“So I sat down to write you a love song,

  It was full of clichés,

  It wasn't impressing anyone,

  Even though I tried really hard,

  All I came up with was,

  'You are a raccoon living in the trashcan of my heart,

  You're a raccoon in my heart.'"

  --Elise singing 'I Hope My Raccoons Don't Fuck This Up.', P.A.W: channel #01.

  [“Heyo, Gwen!”] I chirp silently into my augs, swinging back and forth in the open air as her digital avatar spawns in front of me and Sim recedes down to my neck. [“How’s it going?”]

  Her brow was creased with stress, but it relaxes slightly as a ghost of a smile lights up her face at my words… literally.

  [“Hey, Cutie,”] she responds, making my heart do a little flip. [“A lot worse than it looks like it’s going there. Where are you swinging about?”]

  [“You know that hive I mentioned?”]

  [“Yes?”]

  [“…”]

  [“Pfft, haha,”] Gwen chuckles as I reposition, avoiding a few squishy fishies that noticed my goop whip attached to the ceiling beside them. [“Why am I not surprised?”]

  [“You’re not? Am I becoming predicable?”] I ask while spinning upside down and latching my whip to my foot, letting me dangle with my hair and swaying tail falling towards the invisible chaos gremlins on the ground below. [“That’s like, my worst nightmare!”]

  While focusing on the call, I listen through my D.E.N as my siblings coordinate an advanced combat manoeuvre: catapulting Stripe into my arms. Chip and Spot masterfully clear a launchpad with a rocket and a grenade respectively before standing side-by-side in the empty space with their fingers linked, waiting as Stripe runs at them.

  With a quick throw, she flies through the air and catches my hair, using it to swing herself up to her goal.

  [“I don’t think you have to worry about that, Honey,”] Gwen says, watching my siblings’ display with a playful smile that only grows when my face flushes red and my tail kicks up a beat.

  She’s doing it on purpose!

  She’s smiling though, so I’ll let it go for now…

  [“Good,”] I nod with satisfaction before schooling my expression and finally addressing her distress. [“What’s going on up there? Do you need help?”]

  [“Yes, but unfortunately, I don’t think you’ll be enough,”] she responds with a tired sigh, leaning back against nothing as I throw two digital raccoons at her with Cyon’s help. [“Turns out we were conservative in calling it a horde, it’s more like a flood. Shadowflame’s at the western wall trying to keep the plants from entering too deep into the city, but they keep coming.”]

  The two raccoon constructs bury their heads in the crook of Gwen’s neck, rubbing their heads against her chin to try and cheer her up.

  [“Aren’t there any other samurai in the city?”] I ask, tilting my head and quirking my ears, drawing her eyes straight to them.

  [“Not anymore,”] she replies with a grimace. [“We received contact from three other samurai that awakened during this incursion, but all of them died before they could do much. As for our existing samurai population? As much as the city council likes to present New Oxford as a samurai built and protected city, they forget to mention that their two main supporters have problematic personalities that scared away the rest.”]

  The tale has been taken without authorization; if you see it on Amazon, report the incident.

  [“Shadowflame and Stormsurge?”]

  [“Yeah. Dom was nice,”] Gwen says with a sad sigh that crushes my heart. [“But he was a little much. As for Shadowflame? They’re lovely, but they have the tendency to go up in flames at the slightest provocation, and a lot of samurai can be quite… abrasive.”]

  [“They sound fun!”] I chirp, tossing Stripe towards out brothers and dropping a few grenades as a Nine above me starts trying to cut through Sim, forcing me to relocate again.

  [“Haha, yes. I’m sure you’ll get along swimmingly. On that note, I was calling you to talk to you about their plan and ask if you’ll help.”]

  [“Of course! What do you need me to do?”] I ask quite possibly too eagerly if her sudden teasing grin is anything to go by.

  [“Well, if you’re that eager to help me,”] she drawls playfully, sending my traitorous tail into a frenzy. [“I could do with some help evacuating the city. We’ve already gathered most of the surviving population from the upper city in the university, but the undercity is still untouched. The plants seem dead set on charging the city, so we’re going to flee to the east and rig it to blow; take as many of them out as we can. Hopefully, we’ll block their charge here for long enough to get the civilians to safety and garner some support from the sams in London and Cambridge.”]

  [“Your big plan is to blow up the city?”] I ask as I hit the ground and roll, slashing my claws through a monkey riding on top of a dog.

  Gwen frowns, anger flickering across her face and making her hair and eyes pulse. Her glowing scowl just makes me want to poke her more, but this definitely isn’t the time, so I jump to clarify as another Three loses its head, spattering me with green blood as Sim re-covers my face to reestablish my invisibility.

  [“Not that I have any problems with blowing up a city, or really any better ideas, I just thought our fun Protector toys could do more. I love explosions as much as the next girl, maybe more actually, but couldn’t we use chemical weapons or something instead to do less damage to the infrastructure? Hell, I’m pretty sure my bacteria could do that.”]

  She blinks in surprise, her fleeting anger vanishing as she looks at me in disbelief. I feel like I should be offended by her reaction for some reason, but her focused attention just makes me giddy, so I choose to ignore that instinct.

  [“You’re right,”] she mutters, and I can practically see the gears spinning in her pretty head. [“I agreed with Shadowflame’s suggestion because they’re confident in cleansing the entire city and have Class IV technology, but their methods always were a little… destructive. I never checked what you’ve been buying other than cloning supplies, and you’re attacking a hive already! You should have plenty of points and tokens! Do you think you can clear the city without destroying it?”]

  [“Uhhh…”] I hum uncertainly, scrambling up a wall to swing towards the hole in the ceiling again. [“Cyon?”]

  [It would be impossible to achieve that kind of coverage with your current catalogues. However, you’ve already earned two more tokens, which gives you enough to purchase Class II Esoteric Single-Use Explosives Devices and Prolotor Bacterial Genetics. You can use those to quickly destroy this hive and its connected chambers which, and you didn’t hear this from me, may or may not earn you at least two more tokens.]

  I grin at her blatant favouritism as Gwen narrows her eyes in suspicion.

  [That number depends on the conditions of the other chambers and what Models are present. I’d advise you sneak, or slash, into each to check while planting an explosive charge. Then you just need to get out and set them off to harvest your points! If you manage to get three tokens, you’ll have enough points to upgrade your Prolotor Bacterial Genetics to Class III, and turning the entirety of New Oxford into a biological fallout zone will be at the tip if your tail!]

  The gleeful tone in her voice as she preaches destruction warms my heart. Gwen looks between us with a look of realisation as I hit the ceiling and land on a Nine, and her gaze towards Cyon softens.

  I rip the pervert in half before changing direction to swing towards one of the pipes connected to the storage vats.

  [“And you believe this Class III Bacteria will be able to stop the Antithesis here for a while?”] Gwen asks Cyon’s avatar, which at some point appeared in the small of my back, holding onto my tail for a ride.

  [Depending on the strain we choose, with the amount of biomass delivering itself here, we can turn the entire city into a lifeless dead zone for decades!]

  [“That might be a little excessive, but it sounds like a plan to me,”] she says, smiling at Cyon’s infective enthusiasm. [“I’ll leave you to collecting points for now then and get the evacuation started up here. Keep me updated on whether it’s possible or not. We can always go with Shadowflame’s explosives if all else fails.”]

  [“Okay,”] I beam, swinging into a tight passage stuffed with plants. [“See you later, Gwen!”]

  [“Later, Elise.”]

  She ends the call, rolling my name off her tongue sweetly and leaving as my brain explodes.

  Luckily, my body continues on instinct as Cyon cackles away behind me.

  “Shut up and buy the catalogues,” I grumble with a pout I’m certain only makes it worse, wishing for the first time since Cyon was installed that I didn’t have someone else in my head watching my vitals at all times.

  At least my siblings are only cheering in support of a new sister-in-law…