Captain William T Lawg, man of dignity, stood patiently as his toaster pastry popped up and flopped to the counter among the lint and space-ants. With a 5 o'clock shadow and a distinct wobble he slowly lifted I to his face.

  "Man, screw big crews. Some of the best teams in space had like 4 people. Sonny and Cher and the other two, Hansen and Crunchy, and that whiney kid with the helmet." Lawg said tripping soberly over his own shoes. "And that one crew with the big blue bitch and the 2 humans and the frog." he said crashing through the chairs as Menace watched him with an entertained look, munching on some sardines as she sat perched on the counter. Duffy dodged a staggering Lawg as she fumbled to the next room.

  "God, he is really sober this time. We need to find a space-station or a Quiky Moon with booze, before it gets to be a medical emergency" Duffy sighed.

  "We passed medical emergency an hour ago." said Marley. "Cuz it is going to require surgery to get my foot from his ass if he breaks one of my DVD box sets. He's lucky he's the Captain or I'd have already done it for cracking the case to my National Geographic collection."

  "Is that just your version of porn?" Duffy asked.

  "Attention crew." Said Vee, tapping into the ships coms with her neuro implants. "We have an object on sensors within scanning range."

  "Space station?" asked Marley. Vee brought it up on display as Duffy studied the shape.

  "Nope…planet. Artificial I'm guessing. Someone abandoned it, you can tell from the graffiti." she pointed out on the big screen. "It’s a doughnut planet, shaped like a huge doughnut." Duffy added.

  "She's better us off without her!" hollered Lawg, scooting to the captain's chair: a swivel chair they slapped with a sticker reading "Captain" after the other one caught fire from sparklers he hid in the back.

  "He's not handling the loss very well is he?" asked Duffy.

  "Of Uka's abandonment or the dumb chick who got killed on the Ubert because of him?" asked Marley.

  "Either, he mourns the loss of poon like most people mourn family deaths." She nodded.

  "Doughnut!" Menace hollered buckling her seatbelt. Lawg climbed the chair and fastened his seatbelt-belt to itself, not realizing it provided no safety being attached to his own pants.

  "Lawg, you need to get a real seatbelt." Duffy said strapping in.

  "I got this." he pointed.

  "Lawg, seatbelts attach to the seat. In its current state, it's basically just a belt."

  "I know…its portable and therefore efficient." he argued.

  Suddenly there was a jolt and the ship stopped. Unfortunately Lawg didn’t. He met the front console with enough force to nearly split a Lawg, caving in the plastic cover.

  "Unbelieveable, luck of the friggin whatever." grumbled Duffy as Lawg lead the away-team of literally everyone except the pilot. Marley just grinned.

  "I know, apparently it's a real thing. He is 4 hours from fatal sobriety, takes a sudden blow to the head and gets knocked straight again. Luckily that hidden stash of boxed wine stuffed in the secret spare-glove box softened the blow. Who knew wine came in soft milar pouches wrapped in cardboard." he said munching on some fruit chews. "Those boxes saved his life twice in a row.

  "Must be some fancy stuff,” Lawg smiled. All the alcohol I've ever seen was in disposable glass bottles. Glass is garbage, they make spaceships out of milar.”

  “He must have robbed someone wealthy." Duffy said. "Chateau de back-porch, 2009…you know they were fancy if they had 2 porches on their ship. You don’t get access to those unless you are loaded or Lawg." she added. A rather odd yellow-colored alien with a head like a trash barrel waddled towards them.

  "Hello, Welcome to Jason, but everyone calls it the doughnut planet…or Jason. My name is Berry." he smiled dimly.

  "I am very sorry for that." whispered Lawg, shaking his tiny hand.

  "I see you ran into the Flark net. Pesky Flarks keep nesting in the doughnut-hole." Berry said.

  "Pretty serious net for some doughnut-hole birds." Lawg noted, looking up at the hazy cloud of net.

  "Yea they are a real problem. They fly up where the gravity peters-out and just have a party." Berry grinned.

  "I think Lawg has had a few peter-out parties in zero G. Muttered Duffy. Berry blinked as the joke missed him, more for his lack of brains than his stature.

  "Yea, it’s a real big issue when they get enough mass up there." said Berry. "The big ball of sticks and crap starts to spin, and it’s a game of scat-roulette where it's gonna re-enter. Ever had flaming bird-shit re-enter an atmosphere and hit your windshield at terminal velocity?" he asked Lawg.

  "…yes" he nodded.

  "Happened to bob last week…nice funeral though, he had money." shrugged Berry.

  "Do you need a lift off this doughnut, we heard the planet was abandoned but we picked up your life signs on the scanner. Noted Marley

  "Hell no, I love it here." Berry grinned. Menace grabbed his hand and shook enthusiastically.

  "MENACE!" she yelled in an alarmingly friendly manner. Marley cut in.

  "Isn't the outside of the ring uninhabitable and the red giant sun is expanding and going to cook everything?" asked Marley.

  "Awe, that nonsense. All the rich people lived on the outside and took off when it got warm. Gooood riddance to them. Sure it gets a little warm but the inside of the hole is pleasant and will be fine for another thousand years or better. When the hole gets uncomfortable we have preparations for that.

  "Coolant gel?" asked Marley with a smile. "Always cools the doughnut hole."

  "Nope, free energy cooling fan, we're gonna install in the middle." smiled Berry.

  "How does that help?" asked Marley.

  "Well, them smarty scientists thought we dumb farmers couldn’t invent things, but we managed. Big fan in the hole. Space air conditioning. What is colder than space?"

  "Space popsicles?" pondered Lawg.

  "Looked for that." Berry sighed.

  "And?" Lawg pried.

  "Couldn’t find any. So we figured why not just stick a big fan in the center where everything floats, pull in the space-cold and keep cool for another thousand years." he grinned proudly.

  "Fans have to turn in order to work." noted Lawg

  "Right you are…but the planet rotates, so we just gonna let the fan sit still and turn around it." Berry grinned.

  "Inspiring." said Lawg with a bow of respect.

  "Nope, no intelligent life on this one." said Duffy, shuffling away.

  "ROBOT!" bragged Menace, chewing on some cardboard she found.

  "We have a broken robot, actually." Marley noted. "You wouldn’t happen to have spare parts for trade?" he asked.

  "Of course not. Were Catholic, We don’t believe in artificial life. No robot parts here." Smiled Berry.

  "Any booze we can buy for the trip back?" asked Lawg

  "Of course…we're Catholic." he grinned.

  "What's the supply situation, any major exports?" asked Duff.

  "Doughnuts mostly. This is a doughnut planet." Berry shrugged.

  "A literal doughnut planet…is it made of doughnuts?" asked Lawg. Duffy rolled her eyes and walked away. Berry looked insulted.

  "No…that’s just dumb. Why would you even ask that? You think we got a molten jelly-filled core beneath the crust?" he joked, patting Lawg and shuffling to the factory.

  "I heard of a disk planet in the Hut system with hot-dog filled crust." Lawg Mentioned.

  "Na, that’s just a myth. Nobody is THAT redneck." Berry scoffed. Plus even children know you can't have a flat planet…Gravity collapses it. Jelly filled planet is scientifically possible but they're rare, but not a flat-planet." he scoffed.

  "It did seem kinda stupid, even for me." Lawg pondered.

  "So here we have the dough plant." Berry hollered as the entered the massive room where dozens of little yellow critters worked away making dough.

  "Wow, lotta dough. You must have some crazy huge fryers." Lawg sighed.

  "Actually no. This is the Vega system, we make only organic Vegan Doughnuts, naturally baked without extra fat." he bragged.

  "So… really terrible doughnuts then." Lawg sighed in several disappointments.

  "Ooooh yea. Dry as a warm popcorn fart. But hipsters keep buying them so we keep making them. We save money on ovens cuz we just ship them to the hot side and the radiation bakes them in-rout to the delivery pickup point." berry said. "You want a sample?" he added.

  "Not anymore I don’t." Lawg whispered to himself.

  "We can't stand them either. Tell you the truth, I hate these things. This is my home, and I won't ever leave it, but the damn Zaycron Fleet treats us like free labor and won’t let us make the good stuff anymore."

  "Nugheads…I hate those guys." Marley said kicking air.

  "They bully us around for our supplies and we can't escape or fight back. Were just farmers, with basic doughnut making gear and communion wine."

  "Cant you stand up to them, fight back a little?" Marley suggested.

  "These aren't your average murderous Zaycron, they're rogue Zaycron. Their leader, Diesel Kush, is one harsh greasy bastard. His ship, the Sativa, is fortified heavier than our wine. He sneaks up on you and lays you flat out before you know what happened and he sticks around till all the food is gone." Berry sighed. Lawg slammed his fist on the nearby table in disgust.

  "No, no more chickening out. I have had it to the last nerve with the Nug-heads picking on everyone, mostly us but also them. We're gonna smoke those smelly bastards for once." Lawg said suddenly defiant.

  "Lawg…are you insane? We can't even win a fight against a bird net." Marley warned and reminded.

  "No, I saw this on a DVD. If you arm the farmers and get them motivates, use some holograms and fancy trickery, you can handle even the strongest opponent. All it takes to beat them is one good fight, and they will leave for good and never return again." he insisted.

  Stolen content alert: this content belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences.

  "Why not? Wouldn’t they just send 2 or 3 ships next time and kill everyone? They wouldn’t even have to land, just drop a big rock from orbit. Why would humiliating them once be a good thing?" asked Marley.

  "They're just bullies. You have to show them you aren't afraid." he insisted.

  "Wow, you hit your head really hard didn’t you? They're not older kids on the playground; they are an armed civilization with a reputation for drug and weapons trading. Nugheads have killed entire planets just for their Cheese Crunchies before." Duffy noted.

  "We have Roy." Lawg smiled. And we have an armored ship with a new tactical advisor." He said pointing to the green chick secretly eating raw dough.

  "Lawg…we have a moderately armored tour bus and a robot that won't even turn on half the time, like today.

  "Captain Ominous is watching everything we do. He has an entire stealth-ship. All we have to do is tell him Duffy is in danger, and we're good." Lawg explained. Marley shook his head.

  "I am standing right here, dip-shit. We have open com badges wired to the robot. If he's watching than you just you just told him the plan…and it’s a stupid plan. Why are you suddenly the big hero? How hard did you hit your head?" Marley asked.

  "So if we cant take them on our own…we cut a deal with the Bloodstorm." Lawg smirked darkly. "They love the sweets, even bad doughnuts are worth something to them. Tell them they are health rations, have you ever had a Vegan doughnut? Tell me they don’t taste like emergency protein rations." he reasoned. Marley shrugged.

  "I can't believe I agree with that. The Bloodstorm seems heavier armed every time we encounter it and Captain RAGE would come here just to hurt Lawg, so if the deal goes bad we get to watch you get thrashed and that's fun." said Marley

  "Hey!" hollered Lawg. Duffy checked the GPS.

  "This is on the Border of Left Twick territory. The Twicks have been a target for the Nug-heads for some time. They designed their Crave missiles Specifically for their shields. I bet the Bloodstorm would do some serious damage to a Zaycron ship before we hauled ass out of here. Even a ship like Captain Diesel's Sativa Class cruiser wouldn’t be unstoppable against a heavy Twick Craving. Whoever wins would be damaged enough to allow us to get away, 2 birds with one stone." suggested Duffy.

  "The birds won't help us; they are too dumb to avoid a floating net." Lawg scoffed.

  "Lawg…WE were too dumb to avoid the net. And if either of them comes out undamaged, they'll kill us all. What if the Twick are traveling in larger packs in this sector?” Marley asked.

  "Twicks always travel in twos, unless it’s a family pack…and no ship with family members would follow a cruiser into combat. I think Rage and the Bloodstorm can smoke out Diesel and his Sativa. Don’t they have vaporizers?" Lawg asked.

  "They have lots of weaponry, vaporizers, grinders, even smoke bombs!" Marley noted. "My question is why? Why are we suddenly not chicken-shits like usual and why are we defending a planet with one guy on it we barely know, and risking our lives?" Marley asked.

  "Because it's the right thing to do…because my father would have done it." he beamed proudly, lifting a knee as if it was perched triumphantly on a rock or something. Marley face-palmed as his furry hand muted the sound.

  "Lawg, We don’t even know who your father was, it was probably the jerk who gave you the watch, not some Captain Hero war vet, who died gloriously defending his people. If the hologram programmer actually WAS your dad, that watch story sounds like an excuse to make you go away happy and not bother him again."

  "But the watch." Lawg argued. Duffy butted in.

  "Lawg it's plastic, they have them everywhere in candy-crane machines across the galaxy. It's not old and passed down, it was made last year in Delmar 2, says that on the back. If he lied about the watch he probably lied about the whole thing. Even if your dad was a hero…clearly you didn’t inherit anything hero-ish from him or any great Captain skills. Hell, you thought the chaff launcher was full of wheat. You nearly burned down space station Beta 22 when the orphanage asked for food donations. The point is: every time you try and do anything selfless you jack-up the whole thing really bad. The luck of the Chafee doesn’t work when you do hero stuff, only when you act like a Chafee…lazy selfish, impulsive and random!" She explained.

  "Then let's fight like Chafee." he insisted.

  "badly, and end up getting dead?' Marley answered.

  "That's a good point." Muttered Lawg. Menace wandered to the discussion holding a pile of parts.

  "BOMB!" she grinned. Lawg looked alarmed.

  "Is that just a coincidental word she used or did she really just build a bomb?" he asked. She squinted and made a "boom" gesture and a puffed her cheeks.

  "You are terrifying." Marley muttered. Hey, wait a second…" Marley said having an epiphany. "The ship is totally new and painted up on the outside, and we have 2 new crewmen neither the Zacron nor the Twick ever met. We could lure them here and then just hide in the back. They wouldn’t start attacking a totally unknown ship and the scans won't penetrate the armor so they won't detect anyone but the bridge crew."

  "That's brilliant." Lawg whispered. "I'm glad I thought of it."

  "We just gotta do some crew-improv wardrobe swapping and convince them both we're someone they don’t wanna kill, get them to turn one each other." he grinned.

  "I want no part of this." smiled Berry.

  The blackness of space was suddenly filled with a large ship dropping out of FTL. The ship hailed the SS Sneaky Bastard as Lawg and Marley hid behind the consoles and Duffy sat in the Captain's chair wearing a fur coat and Marley's Delmarian Bounty-hunter mask.

  "This is Captain Diesel Kush of the SS Sativa, Zaycron Alliance. This planet is claimed by the Alliance, and you are invading our territory." said the biggest Nug they ever saw.

  "This is Captain Snow of the SS… Sneaky Bastard." said Duffy with an eye roll and a heavily modulated robot voice. "We encountered a spatial disturbance and made orbit for repairs. We will be on our way in 40 minutes." she said confidently.

  "Unacceptable, you have 30." he snipped.

  "Thirty-five and I throw in a bear claw." She negotiated. He paused for a moment.

  "I do like bear-claws. You have 35 minutes to make repairs." he said signing off.

  "Good work, everyone." Duffy said removing the coat and mask as Lawg and Marley stammered to their seats. The coms came back on as they got comfortable. Lawg took his seat and hailed the Bloodstorm.

  "I AM RAAAGE!!!" answered Rage.

  "We know that already. The point is that we have your money, with interest, and you can pick it up now if you promise not to kill us and everything is settled. "He suggested.

  "How much interest?" RAAAGE asked.

  "Hella-interest, plus you can have the robot." he bluffed. Rage looked rather intrigued.

  "So you pay us all they money you owe, plus this “hella interest” and we keep your robot, and then we just let you go, no more bad blood or further transactions?" he asked.

  "Sounds good." Lawg nodded.

  "I agree. This 'hella' better be significant. Send me your location."

  "It's easy to spot, we're near the doughnut planet. You can't miss us." he smirked, signing out. Rage chuckled maniacally to his second in command.

  "Lawg is gullible." Rage smiled as his lieutenant approached.

  "He will attempt to run or swindle us as before." He reminded.

  "Of course he will, for the last time. We take the offer, then we shoot out their power generator and life supports. When everyone is dead we take the loot and sell the Taste-E-Chill as scrap. I don’t care about the money. This is about honor and vengeance." Rage said under his breath

  Lawg broke communications and buckled his seatbelt-belt diving behind the console as Duffy put her helmet back on. Vee waited until the Sativa hailed them.

  "Captain Snow…Sneaky Bastard." replied Duffy in a rush.

  "Greetings, Bastards” smoldered Diesel “…there is a ship approaching this sector. Are they your backup?" scolded Captain Diesel.

  "No, we have no allies or weapons. If there is a ship approaching it doesn’t concern us. We are still dealing with repairs." Bluffed Duff

  "If they are not your reinforcements…then you wouldn’t mind us firing on them." he said with a challenge. The ship drifted below the horizon of the doughnut's hole, blocking the ship from visual range.

  "Not at all, not our business or problem. We would even be grateful if you're firing on them gave us more time to fix our engines. By all means, fire away. We don’t care." Duffy shrugged. The coms beeped and she put them on hold.

  "I AM RAAAAGE!"

  "Oh blow it out your lizard ass, we heard you the first time." Duffy replied, tossing her mask aside quickly, as Lawg scrambled to the front.

  "You lied to us, you are not orbiting the doughnut planet." he hissed angrily.

  "Wrong again Twicky McGee, we just got ourselves a new ship…a Zaycron Battle cruiser. This time if you decided to kill us…you'll have to blast through our energy shields." she said hanging up and grabbing her mask as Lawg ducked under the console and Menace popped up and pretended to be hitting console panels. "Hail the Nugs." she ordered though her deeply modulated mask voice. The screen came on.

  "Captain Diesel," Duffy said. "we have detected weapons charging. We were told we would have 35 minutes and our time isn't up. I thought you were a Zaycron of your word." she said boldly.

  "We haven't powered weapons." Diesel objected, checking the scanners as his lieutenant perked up with concern. Duffy pretended to be shocked.

  "We detected an energy surge on our sensors. If it wasn’t you then tell your other ship to stand down." she bluffed. Diesel turned the sensors to the Bloodstorm and charged his weapons to prepare for retaliation.

  "Captain Rage." said the lizard lieutenant. "Captain Lawg's new Zaycron ship is powering weapons. They may be bluffing, there is no way they procured a fully armed Zaycron ship. It’s a trick, but it's still heavily armored."

  "Fire a warning shot across their nose." Rage growled. He hit a button and glanced the Setiva.

  "They are hailing us." he noted.

  "On screen." roared Rage.

  "How dare you fire on the Sativa!" growled Diesel.

  "Give me Lawg and the Taste-E-Ship or I will destroy yours." ordered Rage.

  "I don’t even know what that is. You are invading Zaycron space and any failure to retreat will be seen as an act of aggression.

  "I AM RAAAAAGE!!! I AM AN ACT OF AGRESSION!!!" he barked back.

  Marley stared at his game buddy controller as he carefully steered one of the ship's security drone-orbs taped to Menace's bomb. The small and easily unnoticed little device drifted to the hull of the bloodstorm. As the two crews shouted threats back and forth, the small device detonated, giving a small, fairly mundane little kick to the Bloodstorm's hull.

  "Shields Struck, Captain." hollered Lizard lieutenant.

  "Fire Crave missiles!" Rage raged. "Give them a heavy craving from the Twicks that they will remember."

  "Return fire!" Ordered Diesel. "Chew those Twicks in Half. Light the Vaporizers!"

  Marley smiled with satisfaction as the SS Tast-E Bastard or whatever it is called, had front seats to the two megalithic ships pummeling each other into oblivion. The Sativa smoldered as the Twicks cracked down the middle and crumbled.

  "I think we finally kicked some ass." Lawg nodded.

  "Oh, this crew has taken down some Kush before." Duffy smiled at Marley.

  Duffy snorted and began bursting with laughter as Marley joined in, falling over in hysteria as Lawg stood dumbfounded in ignorance.

  "What? I don’t get it." he said looking to Vee, who was equally lost. Menace jumped on Lawg and gave his head an awkward lick as she ran off to celebrate victory.

  They jumped to FTL and began hauling ass and free doughnuts. It wasn’t ten minutes into the escape when the ship shuttered with a hit from an energy weapon and the Bastard spun out of control, dropping out of FTL and making an impressive smoke spiral.

  "Damage report." Lawg hollered as he slipped in his margarita and face-planted.

  "Zaycron freighter, light weapons fire. They knocked us out of FTL and tripped the breakers. Hull armor holding." reported Vee. "They are Hailing.”

  "Surrender Bastards!" ordered the Zaycron Captain. "I am Captain Hooka of the Freighter Hazy Chronic."

  "I am Captain Bruised up Lawg of the starship Taste-E-um…shit." he said forgetting the name from the blow to the head. .

  "Captain Lawg…of the Taste-E-Shit? That's a terrible name but who am I to judge. We have a distress call from a Zaycron warship that was attacked. I was told to destroy any ship with the designation Bloodstorm or Sneaky Bastard. Are you the Bastards or the Bloodstorm?" he asked.

  "No…why? What does it say on the ship?" he asked. The commander of the Zaycron ship discreetly approached Captain Hooka with a look of shame.

  "Captain Hooka. I swear I thought their ship said Sneaky Bastard." he nervously reported.

  "And what does it say?" he asked angrily.

  "Family Van." he said softly. Hooka backhanded him across the bridge and zoomed in on the side of the ship where the energy beam burned off the paint and revealed the old logo reading FAMILY VAN."

  "You fired on a family van!" growled Captain Hooka. "There could have been children on that RV!" he added as Marley staggered up to his feet holding his head. Hooka squinted at the tiny Delmarian and back to the commander with anger.

  "Yes, that's right." Lawg bluffed. "I am Lawg…Lawgington. This is my adopted son Todo." he said hugging Marley. "And my wife…" he said looking at Menace and then at Duffy, then back at Menace, trying to decide on fish or fat chick. He went with fish.

  "Bubbles. My wife Bubbles." he said hugging her. She snarled slightly and put him in a headlock, kissing the top of his head and looking back with a very disturbing smile. Hooka blinked a few times, trying to compute.

  "Man, space is weird. Weird shit happens in space." he sighed. "Clearly these are not the Bastards we are looking for, just some weirdoes on a family vacation, probably hitting the doughnut planet for snacks. We are not going to fire on a family van for passing through Zaycron space. Proceed without detour or stopping until you reach Genero 3, and we will pretend this never happened if you do not report this…unfortunate accidental weapons discharge." he negotiated.

  "No problem, just taking the kids on a road trip. Thing's happen. Won't mention it." Lawg smiled, hanging up and punching the FTL engines. Marley lightly swatted Menace away as she kissed him on the head too.

  "Hey." he said patting down his ears. "Did we just not die because Lawg used the wrong kind of paint?" he asked.

  "Luck of the Chaffee." Lawg said softly as he placed his foot on the console and awkwardly posed with a confident look of triumph. He looked back as Marley shuffled off. "Did we get any doughnut holes?" Lawg hollered.

  "You're a doughnut hole." Marley hollered back.

  "Crazy kids. Last time I take you on vacation." Lawg muttered under his breath.

  "Shoelace?" Menace shrugged.