The Captain slid across the floor in his socks and waved an envelope in the air.

  "Mail!" he hollered as everyone but Roy scrambled to the picnic table.

  "Is it there, did we get it?" asked a rather frantic Duffy.

  "Yes, everyone take their results. Everyone said I was a dimwit, but who has the power now." he said snickering.

  "Dude, chill out…its just genealogy, it's mostly for fun." Marley yawned.

  "Hey, check it out…I'm 102 percent Irish." Duffy smirked. "I always was an overachiever."

  "Nifty, I'm mostly Delmarian as expected, but I'm 11 percent Screll. It's a subspecies known for their powerful stature and formidable constitution…I didn’t know that, obviously a recessive gene." he shrugged.

  "I'm a lot of stuff." said Nadine Newman, the newest crewman. A blonde ditsy type he found online at Nucru.com. Lawg obviously hired her for her lack of skills, lack of brains and lack of clothing coverage. She looked up and Lawg was staring blankly at his paper, frozen in a look of confused denial. "You okay?" she asked him, adjusting her very low top.

  "Find out you are only 90 percent Chaffee and ten percent potato?" joked Duffy.

  "No…I'm 50 percent Chaffee." he said looking heartbroken.

  "So, everyone's a little this and that, what is the other 50 percent…human, Space slug?" Joked Marley.

  "Human and …Hologram." he said setting the paper down and shuffling off. They all silently stared at each other. Duffy grabbed the paper and squinted carefully.

  "That doesn’t remotely make sense…holograms can't even mate!" she scoffed.

  "Only the upgraded ones." said Marley with a dark sense of seriousness, slowly grabbing the paper. "According to this DNA ancestry test, Captain Lawg's Dad was half hologram. Probably why he didn’t know him, not all ships have hologram projectors." he said looking grim.

  "Okay, ha, ha…hilarious. Seriously though, holograms can't mate, their just refracted light." Duffy pointed out.

  "Actually…" said the robot. "There have been rare cases of Holograms siring children. It is extremely uncommon but it has happened." he noted.

  "How…how can that possibly happen…please explain to me how projected light can impregnate anything…go ahead and break that down for me." Duffy said crossing her arms.

  "It is inappropriate to discuss mating rituals of other species, especially something as elusive as holograms." he said. Duffy followed Lawg, to be the voice of reason.

  "Hologram?" she barked at Lawg, as he soaked in the tub.

  "I don’t wanna discuss it right now." he said pouting.

  "You do realize this has zero scientific or logical reason to it. Clearly we just got scammed or someone is playing a joke. You can't have a DNA result of something without DNA, use your brain Lawg." she nagged. "Ancestry paperwork is easily flawed."

  "I have to find him." he muttered.

  "Yea don’t listen to me or anything, I'm just gonna go sabotage the ship…bye." she said walking off slowly with no response. He seemed really upset. Lawg wasn’t his usual self after that, moping around as he plotted the next mission. Marley entered the room to check on him as he did some basic math and gave himself a headache.

  "Hey Lawgman. got a heading?” Marley asked.

  "Yes I do, but it’s too far between fuel stops for the Taste-E. We can’t get there from here without a shortcut."

  "There's an Ubert drop-out point fairly close." he suggested.

  "I hate those things." Lawg scowled.

  "Beats drifting for a hundred years. Either that or scrub the mission." Marley noted.

  "Than Ubert it is." he said darkly.

  Marley watched the scanner as a massive black ship dropped out of hyperspace. He hailed them with a signal for a hitchhiking thumb and the giant cheese-wedge shaped behemoth activated a magnetic beam.

  "Alright, everybody hang on." he yawned as the Tast-E-Chill was slowly pulled into the cargo bay of the titanic vessel.

  "I hate these things." Duffy shivered.

  "What…Uberts?" asked Marley. "Why?"

  "We know so little about them, just creeps me out to be so submissive to a vessel this advanced. I mean what do we know about them?" she asked.

  "Taxi Company found a massive abandoned ship on autopilot for a thousand year loop, decided they were reliable ships and started using them to ferry smaller ships across the universe for profit…nothing too weird." he yawned.

  "That’s not the half of it. The first crew was found dead, like 40 people reduced to skeletons from centuries of isolation. These alien ships are so advanced we cant even steer them, nobody knows how they work, they just run by themselves and fuel automatically, automatically self diagnose and search for repair planets and we just decide it’s a good idea to dock with one when it drops out of hyperspace and use it as a taxi." she explained.

  "That’s why their so safe…ancient advanced technology and self reliance…a crew of ten can just live on one and ferry ships for supplies and make a living. They make predictable routs and drop out of hyperspace to fuel and supply themselves, any space pilots dream. If you can find ten to twenty people you like, you're set." he noted.

  "Yea but if something goes wrong and you cant even navigate or steer your ship, call me crazy but I trust my own skills and instinct over a mysterious ship that auto-everything's. I find it disturbing that something this advanced doesn’t need anyone to make it run or navigate, and we are just along for the ride, traveling hundreds of lightyears wherever it wants to go…totally unable to do anything if it decides to just hyper jump into the void and never stop again." she said as the bay doors closed.

  "You’re paranoid…Uberts are totally safe. These Ubert crews know what to do if anything malfunctions." Marley assured. As long as there are 2 or 3 mechanics aboard and some armed guards, everything is fine."

  Captain Lawg and the rest stood, plugging their noses, staring at a rather revolting pile of bones in a char that resembled a cockpit.

  "Of course I have been mistaken before." Marley said. "This guy does appear to be thoroughly decomposed." he added. Lawg heaved slightly.

  "So it's anonymous…back to the ship and call another Ubert." he said stifling his gag reflex.

  "Unanimous…also we can't…no way to stop this thing. You just ride it out till the next time it drops out of hyperspace." Duffy said staring at Marley.

  "Okay, this is a bad start…I'll give you that much…but someone has to be alive on this thing." Marley noted. Duffy smacked him in the arm.

  "No, nobody has to be at all…that’s why they freak me out. This ship could have ghosted the crew and been running for ten years without a living being on it before we go to the Ubert station and docked. That's my point." she said pausing to hear footsteps approaching.

  "Hello?" said a female voice.

  "Hello! Here in the sarcophagus room." hollered Duffy. A very timid young woman with black hair peeked from the doorway. She looked rather pale.

  "Oh what a relief, we thought the crew was all dead." Lawg laughed with a fake cover of terror.

  "No, not me…just everyone else." she said looking around like she was hearing voices. She began writing on the wall with something chalk-like that looked like advanced math. Mostly alien math, but some English.

  "How long have you been alone?" asked Duffy.

  "Three, maybe 4 years…I had friends for the first year but they didn’t make it." she said sniffing her emotions away and wiping her mistake away to correct her calculus.

  "Are you a mechanic?" asked Duffy.

  "Oh no, I don’t actually have a job. My dad was a politicians so I never needed to work."

  "Well shit-pickle." Duffy sighed.

  "I thought these things drop out of hyperspace every few days when they get near planets…that’s what they do right?" Lawg asked.

  "Oh I don’t know about that. The teleporter comes online every few days but it's been broken for 2 years. Every 7 months and 4 days it completes a cycle and drops out at a station, like you guys were at. This is the first time it has dropped out near a ship. I'm glad to see new faces. My name is Chloe." she said shaking Lawg's hand and giggling like a deranged schoolgirl with a crush.

  "So we are screwed, basically. Just stuck here for another 7 months till it drops out and we can leave?!" Uka exclaimed

  "How many of you are there?" asked Chloe.

  "Five if you count the new chick, and one robot that isn't working." Lawg figured.

  "You should draw straws now before we get too close to the red-giant." she said calmly.

  "And what does that mean in regular people speak?" asked Duffy.

  "Oh, we refuel in 3 days and 2 of you are going to have to die. I find it's easiest to draw straws instead of debate." she smiled, sniffing Lawg's com badge.

  "Oh shit." Marley said looking at the Panel.

  "What kind of shit?" asked Lawg.

  "She is dead on accurate. We are super-boned in 3.1 days. These ships are solar powered, they fly into stars and suck up star-junk as battery fuel, they are built to withstand the radiation and heat but this thing is badly damaged…like most of the ship is unshielded, so when we hit the corona, anyone not submerged in 5 million SPF sunblock is toast. Probably what crispified the pilot there." he noted. Chloe tilted her head.

  "He didn’t make it to the EVA suits. When we dive to scoop up star-fuel, the internal temperature reaches 400 degrees and remains that way for several minutes. Without an EVA suit, you will be cooked. We have 2 EVA suits, aside from mine." she said calmly.

  "And since I'm a bunny and Duffy is too big for the standards suit…pretty sure we just need one second to finish that simple math. Well, how do you wanna spend your last 3 days, Duff?" Marley asked.

  "I'm not just giving up like that…there has to be a shielded part of the ship somewhere." Duffy barked. Chloe calmly shrugged.

  "No, I've looked. I have sketched maps and in the last few years I haven't found any shielded spots…they're all damaged." she said resting her head on Lawg awkwardly.

  "Pretty friendly, aren't you?" he nervously grinned. "Probably pretty lonely from the whole thing."

  "I've always been a bit clingy…even before everyone died." she admitted.

  "See…this is the bullshit I'm talking about." said Marley angrily. "I get stranded with Duffy, both of us gonna cook to death because we can't fit into suits and what does Lawg find? Why only the loneliest space-babe ever with a spare EVA suit that fits them. So he gets to spend 3 days spooning some cute little crazy chick while we get to decide what marinade we want to be roasted with." he pouted.

  "What about escape pods?" asked Duffy. There was an immediate click and a hissing sound. Chloe looked up and got quiet.

  "Well, there was one left but dropping out in hyperspace could throw you anywhere in the galaxy."

  "Anyone seen Crewman Newman?" asked Duffy.

  "Damn, we just keep losing the hot ones." Lawg sighed.

  "Awe crap." Marley whined. "And she was wearing my new red shirt too. We need to stop giving random chicks my lucky red shirts. They just keep getting lost. First Tashi, wow Crewman Newman!" he sighed.

  "Well, now we don’t have to draw straws." grinned Chloe in a rather dark cynical optimism.

  "This sucks." Marley said shuffling beside Duffy. "Like on a scale of 1 to completely dicked…this is a 4."

  Unauthorized duplication: this tale has been taken without consent. Report sightings.

  "Four dicked…that’s pretty bad. I was not prepared for the surplus dickage of this mission." Duffy yawned.

  "Been wandering the ship for almost 3 days, nothing close to a shielded room or a bunker…you'd think there would be some kind of panic room on a ship that dives into stars to fuel regularly. And Crewman Newman is nowhere to be seen."

  "Pretty sure it was intended to be all shielded…like with the energy shields."

  "Oh right…yea I forgot that was offline. That would probably help. At least we die heavily armed…these soldier corpses were armed like crazy. These little tiny rifles are awesome." he said waving his P90 around. "Last ten minutes we have…I'm gonna just shoot till it runs out, just for fun." he smirked.

  "And if you damage something?" she asked.

  "I'm sure the beautiful humans who get to survive happily in their EVA suits while we die horribly, can fix it. Those ass-hats aren't my problem. What are they gonna do…discipline my smoldering ashes?" he scoffed.

  "Well, since we are gonna be cooked alive…I’d rather be baked than boiled." she said removing a small joint from her pocket.

  "Let the pre-toasting toasting begin." he nodded.

  "Damn, I can't believe Duffy and Marley are just gonna die…and we can't do anything but mourn their deaths." Lawg sighed as he sat next to Chloe in the rear observation room couch.

  "It's a shame you only had one other normal sized human, and she had to be female. I was really hoping for a crew of men when your ship docked.

  "I mean the robot is male but he's gay and currently offline anyway." he shrugged.

  "Hey…if you have 2 more EVA suits…why are you alone and not with two other people?" he asked.

  "They guys sort of…had a disagreement about me. I tend to make the boys fight for some reason." She said calmly snuggling.

  "You are totally hot, so stranded on a ship with one other dude and you…kinda get why they would kill each other." He admitted.

  "Well, I mean one of them died that way." she said hesitantly. Lawg slowly faded to a look of worry.

  "So what did the other one die of exactly?" he asked with caution.

  "I have these…panic attacks?" she half asked with a look of shyness.

  "Oh how fortunate of me." he muttered quietly. “And would diving into a star be a stress trigger by any chance?”

  Duffy and Marley heard footsteps moving very quickly, full sprint. Lawg blew past them and smacked the door button as a menacing metallic hand stopped it from closing entirely.

  "What the ass?" asked Duffy. Marley lifted his gun and fired a burst, steering him in an arc, immediately having Lawg grab the gun away and start kicking the menacing hand to shove it back on its side of the door. The door closed as clawing ensued.

  "Please explain." said Duffy.

  "We can't shoot her…she could still go back to being hot again and I can't make out with a dead chick." he huffed, dropping to his knees and trying to catch his breath.

  "That was Chloe?" asked Duffy. Both she and Marley busted out laughing.

  "Why is that funny? I could have been killed, she could claw through that door and eat us all." he gasped.

  "Yea but were dead anyway in like 2 hours and we're completely stoned…so it's funny. Your space-slut is an alien monster…just like the shrimp." Marley wheezed as he slid down the wall and silently laughed so hard his eyes watered.

  "Not cool, we don’t mention that event…and if we survive this we wont mention this either." Lawg said racking the gun like a badass and fumbling the magazine as the bullets bounced out. He scrambled to reload it.

  "All your hoes try to eat you!" Duffy wheezed out before her laughter silenced her and both of them just sobbed in hysterical cackling while Lawg tried to familiarize himself with the tiny gun.

  "How do I put this on stun?" he asked.

  "You can't…it's bullets!" wheezed Marley.

  "Where is crewman Newman?” he asked.

  “Probably dead or hiding.”

  "Looks like we're in for a sleepless night." Lawg nervously said, clutching the tiny gun.

  Lawg jerked from his restless nap and accidentally fired a round as he flinched. Marley jumped from the bullet whizzing past him and bouncing off the console.

  "Damn Lawg, safety first, you could have killed one of us and robbed us of like 45 minutes of life…actually a bullet would be easier than…never mind, that got dark." he waved. Lawg shouldered his weapon and slowly opened the door to creep out. He slunk and slank down the hall, nervously pointing the gun and listening for footsteps but all he heard was a faint sobbing. He followed it and noticed Chloe sitting on the floor with a piece of chalk, sobbing away.

  "You hate me don’t you?" she asked.

  "No, no…I mean you did try and murder me but…water over the bridge." he scoffed.

  "You mean under the bridge?" she asked.

  "How would it be under it? Most ships have no plumbing running below the bridge for safety reasons." he noted.

  "It's just an old saying." she muttered.

  "Yea, that’s what I'm saying…so are you cool, or are you likely to get all mean again?" he asked.

  "I should have warned you. I got abducted and contaminated by aliens and now I turn into one periodically, makes it kinda hard to keep a steady boyfriend…that and all the men starving to death and being cooked by radiation didn’t help either." she said with a sniffle.

  "Yea that'll do it. Bout how long do you stay all cute and junk?" he asked, cautiously sitting beside her.

  "6 or 8 hours…unless I'm PMSing." she shrugged.

  "Oh good then we have time to relax. Don’t you worry, I have incredible luck and with me on the ship, everything will magically be fine in like…a day. We'll get your alien thing fixed and I'll take you to Alpha Primus." he said as if incentivising her to get well.

  "What's that?"

  "Alpha Primus…originally going to be a space colony extension for Earth way back before Earth exploded, but the ship intended to colonize it got lost. I guess that's what you get when you sent 6 people and a glitchy robot into space." he joked

  "Aren't we 4 people and a glitchy robot, dude?" asked Marley entering the room.

  "My point is that everyone was related, half of them were kids and they never made it there and the Earth had to sell the movie rights to pay for another ship, things got complicated and some old band bought the planet. Now it's just one hippy, party planet. Nothing but mushroom vomit and bong-shaped fruity drinks, hairy women and old classical music from the 1970's and 80's."

  "Music and hairy women?" asked Marley, suddenly perking up.

  "Not fury alien women, just hippies with no self respect or razors."

  "Hey Lawg." Marley noted. "Not to kill your vibe here but are you forgetting how me and Duffy are gonna be dead on less than an hour?"

  "Oh, yea I totally spaced that…" he said looking like he had an idea. “That’s it…space that!” h grinned.

  “Oh no, he has an idea. Those are always somehow worse.” Marley sighed.

  "Lawg stood in front of the group and scribbled with the chalk, drawing a spaceship and a sun…poorly drawn on both accounts."

  "Lawg, your not mathing are you, because we had that discussion, you are not allowed to math." Marley reminded.

  "No it's so simple, no math needed. We wait till the sun is really close and then we blow you out the airlock." he said with a proud smile and a dramatic pause.

  "The shit kinda plan is that…kill me early?" Marley barked.

  "No, remember…you can survive in space for like ten minutes plus. Nowhere on this ship is safe, not even our crappy little ship because of the radiation and the heat, so even if you hide in the Taste-E-Chill, you still die from radiation, but not if we space you right before we get there and then scoop you up as we leave. See, we can't open the main doors to get the ship out but we can shut you in a bathroom and set off an explosion in the window, suck you right into space." he said drawing a stick bunny and an arrow.

  "You needed an illustration to say that bit?" Duffy asked, dryly.

  "I already had the chalk, I wanted to draw something."

  "Okay…" Marley said as if handing out doses of reality. "Even if I don’t die from the explosion or get torn apart on the jagged window, how do we know how long it takes to fuel, or if the ship will come back around close enough to snag me before it jumps to light speed?" he asked.

  "I have a feeling, a good one." Lawg explained. "Plus it's either that or you stay here and die really painfully and get reduced to rabbit stew."

  "A descent point. So how does Duffy not die in this plan?" he asked.

  "The fridge." he said waving his hands like he was presenting something other then a chalk square on the wall.

  "Did you get a contact high?" she asked. "The fridge? You think that crappy little fridge will protect me from 400 degree heat and radiation? I don’t care how cold it goes, its not gonna compensate for a damn solar flair!" Duffy barked.

  "It's lead lined…I saw it in a documentary, you can survive a nuclear explosion in these things. You just climb in and hold the door shut and hang on as it flings you a mile or two into the air…and this is way better cuz we know where you will end up…on the ship." he explained.

  "First off…whoever your source was, is an idiot…that flimsy thing cannot stand a nuclear bomb, plus even if it did shield you from the radiation and millions of degrees of heat, the G-force would render you into jelly. Therefore, that is just asinine. And its probably not even Lead lined, who the hell lines a fridge with lead?" she asked.

  Duffy sighed, rubbing her face as Lawg stood pointing to a big metal tag riveted to the side that said "Lead lined"

  "See?" he argued.

  "Why is there a fridge on an alien ship anyway and why…no I just quit." She said.

  "So…what do you think?" Lawg asked.

  "I think I'm gonna stuff you two twigs in the fridge, tear open both your suits and make one big EVA suit." she said pulling a beverage from the fridge and prying the cap off with her bare hands. There was no carbonated hiss.

  "Flat." she said taking the rest with her as she shuffled off.

  "Man, can't believe were gonna die in a shuttle craft." Duffy said burping and handing Marley a screwdriver.

  "I thought you said you had a plan?" he asked.

  "I do…and it's terrible. I'm attempting to use the ship's broken shield emitters to shield the shuttle, hopefully the relays wont burn out before we exit the star. Since it's an all day job and we have 12 minutes, we're probably gonna still die but I didn’t wanna seem pessimistic."

  "Oh good, we wouldn’t want me to know how screwed I am right now."

  Without warning, Lawg burst into the room and shut the door, just before something hit the other side.

  "She is insane, not only is she a liar and a tease, but she might be an alien, posing as human, rather than a human that turns alien." he huffed.

  "You think?" asked Duffy.

  "No I mean…she told me she was human and just had the occasional alien freak-out, but now I'm thinking she is mostly alien." he said putting on his EVA suit.

  "I got half a mind to hit you over the head and steal your suit." muttered Marley.

  "You don’t have to…I got 3 of them."

  "They won't fit us Lawg…that’s why we had this whole conversation."

  "Actually the waist is adjustable on Chloe's suit, so Duffy can probably fit, I decided since someone has to die, it may as well be the tease who is trying to kill me." he said tossing Duffy the suit.

  "That little toothpick told me her suit was a size small…nevermind, screw the shield thing, come on Marley." she said scooping him up and heading to the bathroom.

  "We really doing the thing with me being left in space?" he asked looking mortified.

  "Time's up, no choice." Duffy yelled over the alarms.

  Lawg's com beeped and he waited, hearing Chloe's voice.

  "Please don’t let me die." she begged.

  "You tried to kill me twice today and I didn’t even get second base…and you promised me third base and NOT killing me. You need help, Chloe, medical and mental, but I'm not letting you die. Just because I won't let you get me killed doesn’t mean I won't help you. How far are you from the shuttle bay?"

  "Three floors." she said nervously.

  "No time, no suit…you gotta trust me, Chloe…are you near the kitchen?" he asked.

  "Yes…why?" she asked, pausing "Oh come on, the lead fridge?" she asked.

  "It's the only way, pull the junk out of the fridge and seal yourself inside, I've seen it work before, if it can stop a nuclear blast then it can survive this." he insisted.

  "Okay, I trust you." she said rushing to the kitchen as the ship began to shutter and shake. She flung the shelf out and climbed in, yanking the door shut just as the room was flooded with radiation. She pulled it tightly and held on for her life.

  Duffy sealed Chloe’s adjust able suit and steadied her gun as Marley hung into something.

  “Sorry, buddy.” She shrugged, shooting the window out and sucking Marley out with it, closing the door behind her.

  "You guys really suuuuuuu"

  Marley opened his eyes and gasped, sitting up and sneezing. He was back in the ship. Everyone seemed calm.

  "Did we get dead?" he wheezed as Duffy gave him a hug and Lawg finished kicking the door panel open. Duffy scooped Marley up and they headed to the kitchen.

  "See? The fridge is intact! Everyone is fine." Lawg beamed cheerfully, trying to open it. Duffy and Lawg got a grip on the door bracket and with a sticky popping sound it opened, sending them both staggering away as they coughed and gagged. Duffy waddled closer and made a face of disgust as the room filled with a pungent aroma.

  "Soooo…there went that theory. A lead lined fridge does, in fact NOT protect you from radiation. Good to know." Duffy shrugged.

  “That’s the worst thing I’ve ever seen…a Chloe-smoothie.” Lawg blinked.

  The Tast-E-Chill drifted past a vantage point that dramatically resembled passing a camera drone. Lawg looked as depressed as ever, losing his Chloe.

  "Cheer up Lawg, we all survived yet another impossible scenario…except Crewman Newman and my lucky shirt, and also Chloe." Marley grinned.

  "This was a disaster." Lawg groaned.

  "We lose red-shirts all the time, that's why I buy them in bulk." Marley said opening the crate and retrieving another one. Besides, the Ubert got us really close to the destination you plotted. And yes, your inability to grasp what fiction is resulted in you falsely believing a fridge is a good bomb shelter, and instead… turned a homicidal alien chick into a Chloe-smoothie. There will be more floosies, there always have been, and most of them don’t try and kill you, so consider this a bullet dodged and be thankful the shield mods protected the ship from total destruction."

  "It's just not fair…" he said sadly. "I had something special, something so close to perfection at my fingertips and fricken space took it from me the moment I let my guard down. It's been weeks since we have seen a debris fiend of any kind, let alone another foot-bubbler." he sighed.

  "It'll be okay." Duffy said patting him and rolling her eyes. "At least you didn’t get eaten or liquefied like the other men who tried to bang Chloe, you got lucky after all." she said comfortingly.

  "Hey, your right…she did seem to get every guy around her killed, even the fat kid. I'm the only guy to ever get to 5th base with her and live to tell the tale…I have gone where no man has gone and survived. Luck of the Chaffee." he said posing.

  "Fifth base?" asked Duffy.

  "It's a basketball thing, It's halfway to Touchdown." he assured, as Marley inspected one of the strange orbs they stole from the ship.

  "I'm just stoked about these floaty things, you know how useful it is to have floating orb drones that can fly remotely, let alone act as a camera probe? And some of them have movies on them. I'd call this a successful run. Plus, we are halfway to Alpha Primus…and one step closer to finding Lawg's dad, and maybe some hairy stoner chicks who would find a talking bunny to be adorable. Plus since Chloe got turned to goop… we get the Ubert fee waved and compensation." he grinned. Lawg shrugged nonchalantly.

  "Yea but the rebates take forever to arrive." Duffy scoffed, stuffing the last gun in the locker.

  The Tast-E-Chill silently faded to black as another adventure drew to a close. The Ubert went into FTL, leaving behind just a trail of stardust and an emergency evac-pod spinning in the darkness, probably containing crewman Newman, who absolutely wont be back ever due to the odds and size of space.