"Hey…" Marley said, putting his feet up and staring at the stars.

  "Yea." Yawned Captain Lawg."

  "You know those movies where two bachelor dudes just travel the world and have fun being bachelors and constantly finding adventure and women and no matter where they go they got each other's back so they don’t need no hoes tying them down?" he asked.

  "Yep." Lawg said as his eyes glazed over.

  "That's Fricken bullshit, Lawg." he muttered as the camera view drew back to show a rather haphazard den filled with empty soda cans and liquor bottles, and random clothes. All around lie hundreds of paper-towels everywhere, like a small burning-man festival run by tiny freeloaders who had popped up tents in the middle of the ship.

  "I agree. This is intolerable, no women, nobody to clean or make space travel seem actually fun…just drifting and silence…only coffee to warm our souls." Lawg said darkly, sipping his gin and gin cocktail with a look of disgust…because it’s gin.

  “Coffee is gone.” Marley noted.

  “Depresso.” Lawg whispered. “What about that artificial instant crap?”

  “One container, but it’s pumpkin spice.” He shrugged.

  “Unaccepta-brew.” He growled.

  "What happened to the luck of the Chaffee? What happened to the universe providing? She hasn’t provided jack shit for what feels like eternity." Marley said "The women gone and the Robot is still crashed from the bad update, this blows." he added.

  "Lady Luck ran out about when the paper towels did." Lawg sighed.

  "We're out of paper towels? That’s great, so when we spill something or burn a spot in the carpet, what are we gonna cover it with? We can't use toilet paper, we're already rationing it out." he said looking back at the impressive camp of tiny tents stretching through the ship. There was a thump and they both looked excited, like Santa had dropped in from the galactic north-pole bringing eggnog and ho-ho-hoes, both furry and non. Duffy stepped out of the cargo bay and was met with a sudden hug from both of them.

  "What is that smell?" she asked Lawg.

  "It's us…we went smell-blind days ago. The shower wont drain, water pressure is a trickle and we have been taking turns bathing in the engine room with hand towels and vodka. It stings, Duffy, it strings the tender bits. Make the water go down." Lawg slurred.

  "Damn, I leave you for 2 days and you turn into trolls, do I even wanna know what you did with the paper towels?" She asked.

  "It's been weeks!" Marley objected.

  "Look, check my communicator watch. It's been 52 hours since I left. Two days and 4 hours since I left and you wrecked the ship…what is this crap?" she said cautiously touching the towel-tent by her foot. Marley looked ashamed.

  "Spilled a bag of peanuts." he said softly.

  "So you just hid it under a paper towel?" she asked.

  "The vacuum broke right after you left, didn’t know how to clean it so we decided to just quarantine the mess and it kinda just escalated from there.”

  "How do you break the vacuum cleaner…its just a hose that leads to space and a valve to open it…we are IN the vacuum. No, never mind. This is ridiculous. Lawg is so sober he can barely stand because you can't unclog a drain and you've been bathing in booze? Again…it’s a drain into to space. If it clogs, you open it and close it and it's fixed. And how many bathes could you possibly need in 2 days and still somehow smell like a death-fart in a brewery?" she asked.

  "When you didn’t call back in, we assumed that you bailed and we freaked out." Marley said pouting.

  "This is just nuts." she shrugged.

  "Only the first pile is nuts. The rest is cookie crumbs and drink spills." Marley said, receiving a very lethargic and depressed fist bump from Lawg. Before he could make connection, Duffy smacked his hand away and scolded them for the terrible joke.

  "How did you survive before Uka came aboard?" Duffy asked Lawg.

  "I've always had a maid crew, made a habit of having bimbos around, hired cleaners, space-hookers, really lonely women, broke and basically just thrilled to be in space so I've never had to clean anything myself. Marley showed up after Uka did and we spend most of that time before that freezing to death, because I sold the roof." Lawg said, wobbling a bit.

  "What about you?" she asked Marley.

  "I was a planet-bunny before I was a space-bunny. Delmarian's don’t do much cleaning, we mostly just move slowly away from the squalor until we run out of planet, then we sell it…its why most of us developed into brainless warriors with more brawn than dignity…constant Fupar challenges keep the population down pretty well. Basic natural selection." he explained.

  "Who buys trash? Duffy asked.

  "You’d be amazed how many species consider it terraforming. Delmarian's who don’t end up Warriors usually end up politicians…probably why everyone either fears us or hates us." he shrugged "You can see why I got out of Delar."

  "I thought the Delmar system was inhabited by Carrots?" asked Lawg.

  "Used to be. We ate them…we ate them all, Duffy. Those delicious bastards didn’t put up much fight, Delmarian home world was super-disappointed." he yawned.

  "So any word from Uka?" Duffy asked Marley

  "Nope, she either hasn’t found a cure for panda or she likes the panda planet more then us. Total radio-silence. I would be mad at her for bailing, but we do kinda suck, so I can't blame her. I kinda wanted to stay on the panda planet too, but those chicks are so clingy. One hour of conversation and 2 bamboo shots and they want you to meet their parents. I just wanted a good price on the cargo." Marley said flopping back on the couch. Duffy looked at Lawg. Her eyes spoke volumes of irritation.

  "You're a bad influence on him." she muttered.

  "Yes I am. before I came along he had a booming and respectable career as a nearly dead bunny all lined out for him, right after his bounty-hunter career fell through and a mutiny left him stranded, right after he left his wife and planet that he hated, in order to explore space with his asshole cousins…you know…before I influenced him to have a little fun in life and make triple his life savings to spend on more panda booty than he would have ever seen in a lifetime." he said dryly.

  "Touché, a worthy move Captain." she nodded.

  "Sorry, it’s the lack of beer talking. I'm a dick when I can't drink." he said sitting down. She pulled her emergency flask from her overalls and handed it to him.

  “You have gin.”

  “I would almost rather die, so I’ve been rationing the gin.”

  "Don’t worry, the 3 of us can survive without her. I survived on a ship by myself for like 18 months and I didn’t even have someone to hand me screwdrivers."

  "Screwdrivers are amazing." Lawg said zoning out.

  "I mean the tool… not the drink. Pointy stabby thing that turns screws." she sighed.

  "They named a tool after the drink? I always wondered how they got screws in things so tightly." he yawned. "I tried hammering them in but they always break."

  "Point remains…if I can make an carbon monoxide filter from a sock, tape and a plastic adapter fittings, fabricate a working lavatory from a trash can, motherboard fan and chewing gum…I can keep this bucket of idiots flying without Uka or the damn robots help…and eventually I can fix the robot." she added.

  "What exactly happened to him?" asked Lawg.

  "Software update. I think he accidentally clicked the free offer to upgrade to Viewports 10 software…he's mostly pirated parts so he doesn’t have a touch-screen and it just ruined his processor drivers. Lights blinked, there was smoke, chickens were shat…total mayhem. Easy fix if we had access to outdated software nodes but this whole Quadrant is frigging Federal space." Duffy shrugged.

  "Can't we send him back and just say he was defective when we got him?" asked Lawg.

  "No honey…because he escaped federal recycling and is stuffed full of illegal software, an alien personality matrix and about 50 torrented albums of show tunes, at least one trilogy that was made illegal to own because it was too shitty. That would be a 500 credit fine and blacklisting from Tech-mart for the first two…but torrented music in these parts is punishable by death." she reminded.

  "Should we just dump him and get another robot" he asked.

  "For one…that robot has a name. For two…that robot has a hyperspace link to our only ally and only backup in existence…and thirdly…my personal favorite reason: you registered him in his database with the email address of: #awesome." she recited.

  "Even I can't remember that." he muttered almost silently.

  "So, effectively it's just us 3 now, right on the border of uncharted space and Federal Space and we either have to put him in storage or find some pirates who can fix him." she finished.

  "Bummer…Screwdriver?" he asked, holding out a thermos, he just finished pouring with unknown liquids.

  "It's not vodka and orange juice is it?" she asked.

  "Pretty much. I used isopropyl Alcohol from the med kit and orange flavored antacids…probably pretty close." he said as she swiped the bottle.

  "Don’t drink that. You'll die. Anyway, we are 3 days from a supply station and the Federal Border post, so just relax and don’t be as much like a bag of douches as you normally are. Duffy will fix everything…and I am keeping track of my hours and bonuses so you owe me a lot of favors when we get you good and liquored back to normality…basically, I own the ship until you can cough up 2000 credits. I'm also adding interest." she reminded.

  "Well you better, it's in all our interests that this ship stays afloat." he soberly slurred.

  "Well, it's space…not an ocean, so even if we vent the air and die, the ship will always float…forever…without us." she grinned.

  "That’s the optimism I made mandatory last month. Now just keep that optimistic denial and apply it to the crew and we are basically immortal. Good job, I knew appointing you to chief morale officer were a good idea." he grinned.

  "Again…not a real title or job, I know you are just making it up so I don’t feel like the maid and cook as a way of psychologically manipulating me like some kind of shrink."

  "And how does that make you feel?" he asked.

  "Eh." she shrugged.

  "Good enough. Now put away Duffy the patient, and put on Duffy the pilot's official uniform." he said. She stood silently, resisting the urge to roll her eyes. She took a bottle cap from her pocket and pinned it to her overalls. He saluted and staggered away.

  "Ugh." she sighed. "That idiot is lucky that I find the scruffy look irresistible or I would let him drink this toxic crap and buy myself a commodore hat. Commodore Duffy…Ruler of the Tast-E-Fleet, Captain of the Flagship Tast-E-Chill, Queen of the shuttlecraft empire." she muttered to herself with a slight musical tone.

  Lawg woke to a room of panic, alarms and ice-cream jingles drowned out by sprinting footsteps and his crew debating actions. Duffy grabbed his arm as Marley hopped on him, holding him down as he struggled and Duffy stuck a syringe in his bicep. He let out a very feminine scream as she dumped it into his veins.

  "IT BURNS!..It burns like the space-clap." he said nearly crying.

  "Mainline of grain alcohol and adrenaline…I bet it tingled like hell, but we are otherwise out of booze and we need you coherent like right now. We have Pirates approaching at full speed." Duffy said.

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  "Whose idea was it to make injections of this? And aren't we actively looking for pirates?" he asked, feeling his crippling sobriety fade.

  "My idea." smiled Marley. "And yes, we were looking for software pirates…however…we found different pirates instead." he said helping him to his feet.

  "What kind of pirates? Theme-park pirates who sing and dance?" he asked optimistically. “With their silver buckle slipper and their tight shiny pants?

  "Nope, literal pirates. The kind that kill you and steal your booty." Duffy said, handing him his trusty air-drill mock-weapon.

  "My booty?…first gay robots and now gay pirates after my booty?" he said freaking out.

  "Not ass-booty; Valuables-booty. Anything worth money…pirate booty." Duffy explained. He looked equally concerned.

  "Do they pick one or do they do both? If we have disappointing loot, will they still be after my booty?" he asked.

  "Forget I even said booty, they just want to rob us…that's what pirates do, they rob you." she barked.

  "Don’t forget killing us…most of them do that too." Marley reminded.

  "Yea, but that's hit and miss, some kill you and some just leave you for dead with no valuables or supplies, so it could go either way." Duffy scoffed. "Dead or not we still get robbed." she added. Lawg clicked the safety off the air-drill and racked the slide to chamber a round.

  "I don’t want either of those things." he whined. Duffy stopped him and looked him in the face.

  "Then keep your cool and follow my lead, secondly…that is a drill, not a gun, so stop checking to see if it's loaded." she reminded. Marley rushed beside them with his leafblower, putting on his bounty-hunter armor and dragging a large piece of cardboard behind him.

  "What's that for?" asked Lawg.

  "I printed it before I left, figured we could use it if we ran into trouble." she assured.

  The view screen turned on as the pirates hailed them. Marley stood on a box in front of a poster of a Delmarian bridge room as Duffy and Lawg posed way back behind the cut-out of the doorway for perspective to make Marley look larger. His voice boomed through the helmet modulator.

  "I am Captain Suva, of the 4th Delmarian Infantry." Marley bluffed. "Back off of our experimental shuttle craft, or your tailgating will be seen as aggression. You may stand some chance against a shuttle, but our stealth cruiser is only minutes away from our location." he bluffed.

  "Captain Betty Black of the Destroyer Ship Nautilus. Delmarian cruiser you say?" asked a voice…a female voice. She didn’t seem to be very alarmed. "Our scans show you have only one cannon and minimal shielding…pretty light for Delmarian, even a shuttle craft." said the voice among the black screen.

  "I don’t mean to break these conversations, but you're not showing up on the screen, I think your web-cam might be turned off or obstructed." Marley said as Duffy face-palmed in the background.

  "Maybe I put tape over it to prevent people from hacking and watching me. This sector is full of pirates you know. Maybe I don’t want my enemies having any recording to report to authorities." she said calmly. Marley turned and muted the feed. Lawg threw his hands up in annoyance.

  "See? Why didn’t we just do that? It's more believable and doesn’t require this elaborate cutout or perspective trick." he asked. Duffy looked puzzled as Marley pondered the complexity.

  "It's a plan at least."

  "Actually it does seem simpler. It's intimidating as hell, I mean I can hear her female voice and I'm still intimidated because she could be enormous or something. The imagination creates your own fears, like I am thinking now that maybe she is a giant shrimp…that's way more terrifying than a single Delmarian and a fake backdrop…I mean those guards are just a still shot, it ruins the effect." Marley pointed out.

  "You know…" Duffy said turning towards him. "I spent 3 hours printing out sheets of paper and gluing them together and this is what I get? I can't just create a holographic bridge that shows 15 moving, interacting, Delmarian soldiers pacing around so a frozen image is all we got. I think I did a good job, and the door illusion was brilliant, so we have us moving back here to complete the effect." she said defensively.

  "But that's my point." said Lawg turning to argue. "Why are two humanoids on a Delmarian ship? Why are the Delmarian's in full battle gear and just sitting motionless in their chairs while two humans stand in the doorway and move around? It makes no sense, it just draws attention to the question of why the Delmarians are cool with us aliens blocking the doorway to the bridge." he preached. “That’s a fire hazard. As flammable furry critters, Delmarians take fire safety very seriously.”

  "At least I did something…what did you do to make this ship safer? You didn’t install the new shielding or seatbelts like you promised…you waited to the last minute and then the robot broke and we couldn’t get them online. You know 1 in 5 starship injuries is a direct result of weapon fire flinging people out of chairs? Nobody has seatbelts on these ships bridges and when I suggest it…I'm cramping your style." she barked. He got defensive and stood closer.

  "You know, it’s a good thing we have you to bitch about everything because with Uka gone…I was worried nobody would fill that vital role. Race-cars didn’t have seatbelts, neither did roller coasters and they were awesome…I'm not putting seatbelts in this beast and turning it into a school-bus or some kind of public transportation. There is a reason starships don’t have seatbelts…it’s a fire hazard. You can go anywhere if a fire breaks out and starts burning everything and the belt jams." he argued.

  "Go where? We're in space! We can barely land this kind of ship; the cardboard would buckle under any atmospheric pressure above 30 PSI and with 1.0 Earth Gravity or higher we can't take off with the current engines. This ship is designed to stay in space, so if there is a fire we are just screwed anyway." she screamed as Marley waved their attention.

  "Um, guys. It just went to screensaver. Another 2 minutes and it will go into sleep mode and they will probably think we hung up on them and open fire. So can you stop discussing our plan so I can unmute it real fast?" he asked. They both switched to intimidating faces and stood silently as he re-opened the Coms.

  "Sorry about that. We had another call. It was important." Marley bluffed in his menacing voice. The female Captain's voice appeared through the ambient laughter.

  "You realize when your coms go to screensaver, we can still see you? It doesn’t go black on our end, it just makes the LCD screens last longer." chuckled the intimidating female voice. "And just because you muted it doesn’t mean I can't read your lips." she added.

  "Oh…good to know. I didn’t know that…did you guys know that?" he asked them. They both shook their heads." Seriously guys…this is why we need to keep the manuals for these things, knowledge is power." Marley added.

  "Prepare to be boarded. Any resistance and we will teleport back and destroy your ship without warning." she said ending the feed. Marley took off his helmet.

  "That's deceptive as hell, you'd think when the screen goes to screensaver that they would also lose picture and show the dancing swirls on both ends. Who designed this software? Why would anyone want to keep coms open and allow your enemy to still see you while going to screensaver on our end? That’s just half-assed beta testing." he complained.

  The door opened and in walked a very tall humanoid woman with yellow eyes and dark red hair, almost black. Her smile had 2 distinct fangs and her hair was cut into a meticulous gothic style with bangs and a rather large hog-ring in her nose. For a woman nearly reaching 6 foot 6, she was fairly attractive, even through the monstrous features. She smiled and strutted to the bridge, where Marley aimed his leaf-blower and the others stood armed with air-drills.

  "Not very intimidating for a Delmarian vessel." she joked. "The room seems to have changed considerably too, did your imaginary soldiers run out of tape?" she asked.

  "See, I told you it looked fake." Lawg said to Duffy. She gave him an angry look and he turned to the beastly captain for clarity. "For the record…was it the awkward frozen poses or did you just know we were bluffing?" he asked the Pirate Captain.

  "They frozen guards were suspicious, but not as suspicious as two humans standing in the doorway of a Delmarian bridge." she chuckled.

  "See." he muttered.

  "I was rather deceived by your Delmarian Captain though, I expected him to be an adult Delmarian." she said nodding in approval.

  "Hey bitch…I'm not a child, I'm a grown-ass Delmarian Male of 16 years old, We age twice as fast, I just happen to be a runt." he defended, feeling like he insulted himself in the process.

  "Adorable. I was prepared to suffer a few possible injuries to your Delmarian crewman, but now I have no concern for that." she said arrogantly. Marley's eyes twitched with anger.

  "Drop your gun and let's take it to the cargo bay. My size isn't impressive but I'm tough when it counts, lady, so if you think you're so tough, how about you see what I'm made of 1 on 1 and rethink those casualties." he growled. She placed her pistol on the counter and stepped closer with her arms held out.

  "Can you back up that claim little bunny?" she grinned, showing her sharp teeth.

  "Nope, I got nothing…just playing the last card I had." he sighed sadly. Lawg broke the mood pointing his drill.

  "Hey, we got weapons here. You may have the bigger ship but we could take a few of you down in the process, you boarded the wrong ship." Lawg said angrily pointing his air-drill.

  "Since your tactics seem to be rather reliant on bluffing and you are both wielding mechanic's tools, I am assuming the device your Delmarian has is not a weapon either." she said casually flicking the leaf-blower and sitting down.

  "Damn…she's good." Duffy said.

  "You Fupared a Delmarian Warrior with your bare hands didn’t you? You can take her. Don’t you have super-strength?" he encouraged.

  "No I can't, I don’t have superpowers, I'm just Irish. A 230 pound bunny is one thing but she is an Atkin. She'd kill me before I left a mark." Duffy whispered.

  "What's an Atkin?" he asked.

  "Human Descendant species, they lived on Delta 3 so long they adapted to the planet's conditions. Their skin is like trying to get through a wire reinforced truck-tire, they can see in pitch darkness, blood-suckers, usually cannibalistic. Their only weakness is the soft spot in the mid belly that they keep covered in armor. Only other wekness is exposure to highly powerful UV light, like vampires." she explained. Lawg had an idea. He popped up triumphantly.

  "Aha! Computer… increase lighting to ten thousand percent!" he ordered, jumping behind the console, rolling and pulling his shirt over his head. Nobody else reacted except the computer voice. The lights brightened just slightly. The enemy Captain just squinted with mild annoyance, applying her shades. The computer beeped

  "Lighting increased from standard 80 to 100 percent, unable to raise lighting further." the computer voice noted.

  "Shit." Lawg sighed, still hiding in his shirt and slumping further in a depressed aura of failure. He stood up with his head still in his shirt and raised his hands in surrender.

  "You really think your ship would have default lighting bright enough to scorch flesh? Why would that even be an option? They're LED based dumb-ass, they don’t even give off UV radiation." she said looking less amused. "But I admire your feeble persistence. It is your respectable guts and your obvious mental lacking that made me decide to offer you a deal." she said walking slowly to the Fusion parked in the bridge.

  "Fifty-fifty split?" asked an optimistic Marley. "Take half and let us go because we are so pathetic?"

  "Hardly. I will be taking all your cargo, your valuables and your rations. I will also be disabling your guns and shields and in exchange for your lives, I want complete submission of one request." she grinned slyly.

  "This already sounds like it could be worse then death." Marley muttered.

  "Space is a lonely place, and even Captains can appreciate a fine specimen." She grinned sinisterly. Duffy scoffed and sat down shaking her head

  "Oh good grief, just have at him…freaking Luck of the Chaffee." Duffy groaned. "I swear, Lawg can get laid anywhere, Marley was right, nobody else ever gets lucky.”

  "Hey, I'm not just a piece of meat to throw to the ladies. My sex appeal may be a gift, but I have feelings…maybe I don’t find her attractive. You did the same thing with the Nug-head and now this." he protested.

  "Who cares if you find her attractive, if it gets us out of a pinch, man up and satisfy that enormous woman. Take one for the team Lawg." she barked. Captain Black smirked a little.

  "When did I say I wanted the scrawny captain?" she said crossing her arms. Marley's eyes got really big and then she turned to Duffy, who looked alarmed.

  "Oh come on." she huffed.

  "Man up Duffy, it's about the good of the team, remember?" Lawg smiled.

  "You guys both suck." Duffy growled. Marley shook his head and fiddled with the leaf blower, noticing a little green switch he never flipped before. He flipped it. The leaf-blower made a strange sound like it was charging up. He turned to face Captain Black and pushed the ON button. The barrel flashed and he went flying back into the console as a green fireball sent Captain Black backwards into the teleporter. His ears perked up and he dashed to the control panel.

  "SPONTANIOUS IDEA!" he hollered, mashing the buttons. The teleporter activated and Captain Black stood up, her eyes squinting and just as she opened her mouth to curse them…she dematerialized silently.

  "Nice job, furball. I thought the teleporter was broken?" asked Duffy

  "I never said broken, just unsafe to use on living beings like us. The buffer kept crapping out and I didn’t want anyone getting teleported in two pieces or anything, kinda irrelevant in this case so I took that small chance. Didn’t really care if it worked safely on her, served its purpose either way." he grinned.

  "Where did you send her?" asked Lawg.

  "No friggin clue. I just hit like 8 buttons and pushed go." he shrugged.

  "I have an idea." Duffy said, punching some keys and heading to the view screen.

  The coms turned on and another female voice started to speak. Duffy interrupted.

  "Shut up bitch, you might learn something. We may have no weapons and practically no shielding but we have your Captain by the scruff. We just teleported her half a light-year into space and by my estimations she has just enough oxygen to last about…30 minutes. So you can either stay here and kill us or go get your lead butch before she suffocates, and if you don’t believe us…check your scans for a recent teleporter activation and scan us to see how many of your kind are onboard. Your move. Here are the coordinates." she said signing out and standing with her arms crossed. After a few long seconds of silence, the ship turned and headed to the direction she sent them.

  "We didn’t give her any oxygen." Lawg muttered.

  "I know, we also didn’t have a clue where we teleported her so I just made up coordinates. Worked though." he grinned

  "So…you doctored the last transport record and gave them random coordinates. Aren't they gonna be pretty mad when they realize their captain isn't there? They will probably come back and hunt us down." Lawg said dryly.

  "Oh the coordinates I gave them aren't random. That's right in the middle of Nug-head space, just past the territory dispute line where two warring factions are currently attacking anything that crosses the line. If I remember correctly, there are absolutely no markings or territory buoys to alert you of its location…I also remember that Nug-heads like their woman subservient and silent." she grinned. Lawg smiled with approval.

  "Well that will make for a fine bit of fun, part of me wishes I could see it, the other part is just glad to be adrift. Set a course for the next station." Lawg said placing his right foot on the console, as if the Captain had a bit of Captain in him…and it was fairly likely to happen at some point.

  "Kind of ironic though." Marley said. They both looked to see what he was talking about. "I mean…they kinda were after the booty after all, just not Lawg's booty. I find that ironic. Plus we didn’t die and that makes me happy."

  "I'm still trying to grasp how the leafblower was a gun this whole time…and you were pointing that thing around for months as a joke." Duffy pointed out.

  "I could have killed us all…whacky fun. Space is a hell of a thing." he said shuffling off for a snack.

  "Hey wait…who is gonna clean this gigantic mess?" Duffy asked.

  "Take one for the team Duffy." Lawg hollered.