Classified Galactic Council Meeting Transcript: Emergency Session

  Topic: Reynolds Offspring – Implications & Required Action

  Status: CRITICAL – UNPRECEDENTED EVENT

  Location: Galactic Council Core Chamber

  Participants: Representatives of the Primary Galactic Species, Zil-Vatek (Earth Observer), High Commander Grak’Vul (Order of Rectal Justice), Special Guests

  Transcript Begins:

  High Speaker Xal’Torak: "We are gathered here today to address the latest anomaly from the human known as Reynolds, J. It has come to our attention that his mate, Evelyn Kerensky-Reynolds, has conceived a child."

  Councilor Rith’Ven (Varn Dominion): "Yes, yes. And? Why does this concern the Council?"

  Councilor Lho’Qet (Unified Xal-Thran): "Because the universe itself appears to be reacting to it!"

  Councilor Rith’Ven: "Oh. …Oh."

  Councilor S’kathis (Voidborn Collective): "The probability fluctuations surrounding Terra have increased tenfold. Future projection models are now completely unreadable."

  Councilor Metran (Alliance of the Nine Suns): "And you’re saying this is because of a single unborn child?"

  Zil-Vatek (Earth Observer, currently very drunk): "Hahhh, yeah, yeah, you don’t get it, do ya? This isn’t just a kid. This is a kid born of the Defiant. This is a kid whose father broke the Architects. This is a kid whose mother is an unshakable stabilizing force. And you think this isn’t important?"

  Councilor Rith’Ven: "…So. We kill it, yes?"

  [EXTENDED OUTRAGE, SCREECHING, THREATS OF VIOLENCE]

  Zil-Vatek: "Whoa, WHOA, no, ya dumb lizard-bug!"

  Councilor Lho’Qet: "Killing it is not an option. That would only accelerate the destabilization of reality itself. Even the Architects aren’t that reckless."

  High Commander Grak’Vul (Order of Rectal Justice): "Indeed. The Order of Rectal Justice has already debated possible countermeasures. None are feasible."

  Councilor Rith’Ven: "Then… what do we do?"

  [UNCOMFORTABLE SILENCE]

  Councilor Metran: "The humans have customs for situations like this."

  Councilor S’kathis: "What kind of customs?"

  Councilor Metran: "When an important child is conceived, they receive… gifts."

  [SILENCE. THEN MURMURS OF HORROR.]

  Councilor Rith’Ven: "…You cannot be serious."

  High Speaker Xal’Torak: "I am afraid we have no choice. We must send gifts."

  Councilor S’kathis: "TO THE REYNOLDS OFFSPRING?!"

  High Commander Grak’Vul: "Tradition must be honored. Even for those who have disrupted galactic order. Especially for those who have disrupted galactic order."

  Councilor Rith’Ven: "This is absurd. We are not appeasing them!"

  Councilor Metran: "No, no, you do not understand. This is not appeasement. This is preventative diplomacy. If we fail to acknowledge this child’s birth, we risk cosmic insult."

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  Councilor Rith’Ven: "But what kind of gifts?"

  [PAUSE]

  Zil-Vatek: "Heh. Well. You’re all in luck, ‘cause I’ve got plenty of ideas."

  Councilor S’kathis: "…Oh, no."

  Phase One: Suggested Gifts for the Reynolds Offspring

  ? Councilor Rith’Ven (Varn Dominion): "We will provide a bio-armored egg casing. It is indestructible, environmentally adaptive, and will ensure the child’s survival under any conditions."

  ? Councilor Lho’Qet (Unified Xal-Thran): "We will bestow a personal gravity stabilizer. It will ensure the child never falls or is harmed by unexpected physical forces."

  ? Councilor Metran (Alliance of the Nine Suns): "We shall gift a star map—every system known and unknown, recorded for their journey through life."

  ? Councilor S’kathis (Voidborn Collective): "…We may have access to a sentient AI guardian program. We will assign one to the child."

  ? High Commander Grak’Vul (Order of Rectal Justice): "We shall prepare an honorary position within our Order, should the child choose to seek enlightenment through discipline and enforcement of universal justice."

  Zil-Vatek: "Pfffft, HAHAHA. OKAY. Listen, all of that’s great, but have you met the Reynolds family? You gotta think bigger!"

  [EXHAUSTED GROANS]

  Councilor Metran: "Zil. What did you suggest?"

  Zil-Vatek: "Oh, just something fun, y’know? Like, I dunno… A warship."

  Councilor Rith’Ven: "Absolutely not!"

  Zil-Vatek: "Ohhh, come on. It doesn’t even have to be a big warship."

  Councilor Lho’Qet: "You are suggesting we arm a child before they are even born."

  Zil-Vatek: "No, no, no, not arm them. Just… provide options."

  [MORE ARGUMENTS]

  Phase Two: The Final Decision

  High Speaker Xal’Torak: "It is decided. The Galactic Council shall formally recognize the birth of the Reynolds Offspring with a ceremonial offering of gifts."

  Councilor Rith’Ven: "And what shall we do if the child inherits Reynolds’… defiance?"

  [SILENCE]

  High Commander Grak’Vul: "Then we shall ensure that our gifts do not make them an enemy."

  [SILENCE]

  Zil-Vatek: "Heh. You guys have no idea what’s coming, do ya?"

  [SESSION ADJOURNED]

  Final Notes (Diplomatic Crisis Averted, for Now)

  ? Reynolds is officially acknowledged by the Galactic Council.

  ? Evelyn is recognized as a stabilizing force.

  ? The child is now under multiversal observation.

  ? The gifts will be delivered according to human customs.

  ? If nothing else, the Galactic Council has now ensured that Earth is forever entangled in universal politics.

  I don’t know how Reynolds is going to react to this.

  But I do know this—

  If this child is anything like their parents, the universe is in for one hell of a ride.

  End Report.