The Next Evening

  Jor-Van crouched behind the rooftop access door of the Kandor Communications Tower, his hands shaking as he adjusted the Earthanite emitter he'd constructed. The device was crude but effective—a series of crystals arranged in a pattern that would flood the rooftop with the mineral's energy signature.

  "Come on, come on," he muttered, checking his watch. "Where is he?"

  The holographic projector in the center of the roof flickered to life, dispying the image of a beautiful woman in distress—all flowing hair and a torn dress, calling out for help in a sultry voice. It was exactly the kind of obvious trap that should have fooled no one with half a brain.

  Which, Jor-Van reflected, was exactly why it would work perfectly on Some Dude.

  A shadow fell across the rooftop. Jor-Van looked up to see the city's beloved hero descending from the sky, cape billowing dramatically behind him, his costume gleaming under the city lights.

  "Fear not, gorgeous dy!" Some Dude called out as he nded gracefully on the roof. "Some Dude is here to—hey, where'd she go?"

  He looked around in confusion as the hologram flickered and died.

  "Right here, you muscle-bound moron," Jor-Van said, stepping out from behind the access door with his finger on the emitter's activation switch.

  Some Dude turned, looking genuinely puzzled. "Oh, hey dude. Have you seen a hot chick in trouble up here? Someone called about a rescue."

  "The only thing that needs rescuing here is Krypton's dating scene," Jor-Van snarled, and hit the switch.

  The Earthanite crystals bzed to life, bathing the rooftop in eerie green light. Some Dude stumbled, his hand going to his chest as the mineral's energy washed over him.

  "Whoa," he said, his voice sounding confused. "That's... that's new. What's happening to me?"

  "It's called leveling the pying field," Jor-Van said, advancing with a smug expression. "How does it feel to be weak for once in your pathetic life?"

  Some Dude tried to take a step back and nearly fell over. His legendary strength was clearly diminished, his usual perfect bance thrown off. But as the green light continued to pulse around him, something unexpected began to happen.

  His hair became glossier, catching the light like spun gold. His muscles seemed to become more defined, his jawline sharper, his skin taking on an almost luminous quality. Even weakened, even struggling to stay upright, he was becoming more devastatingly attractive by the second.

  "What the fuck is happening here? Is he getting more ruggedly handsome?" Jor-Van gasped.

  "Actually," Some Dude said, his voice taking on a slightly deeper, more resonant quality, "this feels kind of... intense. But good intense, you know?"

  That's when the screaming started.

  It began as a low murmur from the street below, then grew into excited shouts, then into what could only be described as a citywide swoon. Women were pointing up at the building, some were fainting, and several were attempting to climb the exterior walls despite having no climbing experience whatsoever.

  "What are you?" Jor-Van shrieked.

  "I think," said a voice from the rooftop access door, "he's what you call male magnificent."

  Sera-El stepped onto the roof, followed by the other members of Just Us Girls. They were dressed in matching dark outfits and looked like the world's most attractive tactical team.

  "Ladies," Some Dude said with a weak but devastatingly charming smile, "fancy meeting you here."

  "We got word there might be trouble," Zara-Van said, pulling out a device to scan the Earthanite readings. "Looks like we were right."

  Jor-Van backed away from the approaching women, suddenly realizing he might have made a serious tactical error. "Now wait just a minute—"

  "No, you wait," Sera-El said coldly. "You thought you could hurt someone we care about? You thought you could diminish him and make yourself look better by comparison?"

  "I just wanted to show everyone that he's not so special!" Jor-Van protested.

  "Honey," Li-Van said, "you just made him MORE special. Do you hear that sound from the street? That's the sound of every woman in New Kandor trying to get up here to check on him."

  Craig appeared at the rooftop door. "Sorry I'm te, dies. Traffic was a bit of a problem—there are cars abandoned everywhere because their drivers caught sight of our gorgeous boy here and forgot how to operate vehicles."

  He walked over to the would-be vilin and took the device from his sck grip. "Now, let's just let someone put this device to better use. Then you would have..."

  "You can't do this!" Jor-Van shouted. "This isn't fair! I had a pn!"

  "Your pn sucked," Kara-Lor said matter-of-factly. "Also, you're under arrest for attempted assault, reckless endangerment, and terrible tactical thinking."

  "Arrested? By who?"

  Sera-El pulled out a badge. "Kryptonian Special Investigations. Did you really think we were just a bunch of pretty faces?"

  As it turned out, the members of Just Us Girls had day jobs ranging from federal w enforcement to quantum physics to corporate security. They weren't just managing a himbo—they were some of the most competent women on the pnet, and they'd been using their considerable skills to keep their favorite hero safe and effective.

  "There we go," Craig announced as the green glow faded and Some Dude stood up straighter, his strength clearly returning. "Powers restored, appearance optimized, and... oh my."

  The enhancement effect of the Earthanite had settled into something that made Some Dude look like he'd been photoshopped by the gods themselves. He was still recognizably the same person, but everything had been turned up to eleven.

  "How do I look?" he asked, striking an instinctive pose.

  "Like trouble," Sera-El said with a grin. "The very best kind of trouble."

  From the street below, the sounds of a spontaneous citywide celebration were beginning to rise. Someone had apparently organized an impromptu Some Dude appreciation parade.

  "Should we go down and make an appearance?" Some Dude asked. "The people seem excited about something."

  "In a minute," Zara-Van said, finishing her scans. "First, we need to talk to Mr. Jor-Van here about what happens to people who threaten our boy."

  Jor-Van looked around at the group of beautiful, competent, clearly dangerous women surrounding him and realized that his problems were just beginning.

  "Also," Craig added, "we need to discuss upgrading your costume again. The current one is not going to survive this new enhancement level."

  Some Dude beamed at them all with the pure, uncomplicated happiness of someone who had no idea how complicated his life actually was—and didn't need to, because he had people who cared enough to handle the complicated parts for him.

  "You guys are the best," he said, pulling them all into a group hug that was probably visible from space and definitely caused several more traffic accidents. "I don't know what I did to deserve friends like you."

  "You're just you," Sera-El said, patting his ridiculously perfect cheek. "And sometimes that's enough."

  Meanwhile, in the basement of Kek-Mor's pizza pce, the remaining members of the League of Ineptitude sat in stunned silence as the news reports rolled in about their fellow member's arrest and the citywide celebration of Some Dude's "even more enhanced handsomeness."

  "Well," Kev-El said finally, "I think it's safe to say our organization is disbanded."

  "Probably for the best," Nim-Quel agreed. "I never really liked compining anyway. Maybe I should try actually talking to women instead of bming Some Dude for my problems."

  Kek-Mor just stared at the TV screen, where Some Dude was giving an interview while being fed grapes by adoring fans.

  "Some dude," he muttered. "Some fucking dude." But even as he said it, he couldn't quite bring himself to hate the guy anymore. It was hard to stay angry at someone who was so genuinely, obliviously happy, and whose biggest crime was being too perfect for his own damn good.

  Besides, the pizza was actually pretty good.