Mid-morning in front of one of the hostels on campus. Enter the newsmonger with many copies of The Buggers.

  NEWSMONGER: Fine Daily Bugger! Chaotic Daily Bugger! Fine Daily Bugger! Hot Daily Bugger! Fine Daily Bugger! Sharp Daily Bugger!

  (Enter a group of rowdy students.)

  STUDENTS: Hey, Newsmonger, a copy of that hot news! Give me one too! And me! Allow, you son of a bitch!

  (General disorderliness. The newsmonger goes out after selling some copies, shouting in a sing-song manner.)

  FIRST STUDENT: Hey! I go die o!

  SECOND STUDENT: Khai, This na waya!

  (Enter another batch of rowdy students.)

  THIRD STUDENT: Hey, you guys, wetin dey inside?

  FIRST STUDENT: No piracy! Get your own copy!

  FOURTH STUDENT: Open your ears very wide, here comes the hot news. (Reading.)Headline: “PROFESSOR CAUGHT PANTS DOWN WITH FEMALE UNDERGRADUATE INSIDE FUN HOTEL!"

  STUDENTS: (Variously.) I go die o ! This na real hot news! Contiliu! Contiliu!

  FIRST STUDENT: (Reading) “Yesterday, the roving eyes of our ingenious roving reporter, Peeping Tom, wandered into Fun Hotel where he bumped ball-like into a most interesting, volcanic, chaotic, eye-widening, mind-bungling, confounding piece of news activity!"

  The author's tale has been misappropriated; report any instances of this story on Amazon.

  STUDENTS: (Variously) Eeebo! Khai! What a language of grammar! Absolutely devastating! (General laughter.) CONTILIU! CONTILIU!

  FIRST STUDENT: (Reading.) As usual, Peeping Tom entered through the back door into the bedroom section of the hotel. Attracted by the loud grunts of two heavy-weight wrestlers, he slipped into a nearby bedroom just in time to catch Professor Fayemi and Miss Elizabeth Owojori of Chemistry Department. The camera clicked, the flashbulb flashed, and in a second the victorious Tom was rolling out of the room, leaving the lovers in dazed confusion. The picture tells a better story."

  STUDENTS: (Variously.) 1 go die o! Professor Fayemi, I go do o! Na bad thing!

  (Just then, Mrs Fayemi passes by. She stops to inquire the cause of the commotion)

  IBIYE: Excuse me, what's happening?

  FIRST STUDENT: It's the Bugger, madam.

  IBIYE: Any interesting news in it?

  FIRST STUDENT: Na real hot news dey inside am. Listen make I read you the headline.(Reading) “PROFESSOR CAUGHT PANTS DOWN WITH FEMALE UNDERGRADUATE INSIDE FUN HOTEL!"

  IBIYE: My God! Can I have a look?

  FIRST STUDENT: Suit yourself.

  (Gives her the paper. She reads it and explodes in anger.)

  IBIYE: Good God! The louse!

  (She storms out wtht the paper.)

  FIRST STUDENT: Hey! Dat na my paper o!

  (He runs after her.)

  FIRST STUDENT: Hey, you guys, who be dat beautiful babe?

  FIRST STUDENT: You no know her? Dat na Mrs. Fayemi, the wife of the Prof.

  THIRD STUDENT: JEEEESU! All hell gonna break loose on this campus very soon!

  FOURTH STUDENT: How can he have such a beautiful wife at home and continue to chase young girls round the campus? It's a shame!

  SECOND STUDENT: Indeed, education does not mean wisdom.

  THIRD STUDENT:  Na true you talk my brother. A man fit acquire all the degree for this we world and still be a stark illiterate. B.S.C. O, M.A. O, P.H.D.O, LLB O, all na on top of nothing I tell you. Look, bo, I get paper this afternoon. See you later.

  SECOND STUDENT: Same with me. See you guys.

  (They disperse.)