“Found you! You pay now or you die!”

  I startle awake, but instead of either flying to my feet or falling off my bed branch, I find myself tied up on the ground. Oh, and a blaster is being waved in my face. Admittedly, the toy-gun does look a bit more intimidating when the nuzzle is right between my eyes, but I still can’t bring myself to fear the grey alien holding said blaster.

  I wiggle a little. Yup, I’m tied up. At least I’m not hanging from a tree or anything, but rather just laid out on the ground. I can move my feet and toes, and if I arch my neck (and almost break it in the process of defying my helmet) I can spot that the vine I’m tied with only goes down to my ankles, leaving my bare feet and part of my wiry tail exposed. Right.

  “Pay! Pay now!”

  I look up at the alien, unamused. I mean, come on. Am I in a dangerous situation? Maybe. And that maybe is only based on how fast this alien guy can pull his trigger. After that, I can only calculate based on the supposed strength of his blaster.

  ...But, looking at him, I can tell it won’t become as dire as that.

  Hmmm, let’s see here…

  My tail squirms around a little bit. It’s a good bit thinner than my last tail, but it also feels a lot more flexible, which will come into good use now.

  I make my tail snake around one of its ankles, making it yelp in surprise. At that very same time, I jut out my entire body to force my head to the right, narrowly avoiding an instinct-driven twitch of the finger from the alien. The blast is meek at best, and considering that it didn’t even leave any sort of mark in the sand where my hand was, I can only assume that it wouldn’t have killed me.

  The tale has been taken without authorization; if you see it on Amazon, report the incident.

  Regardless, my tail squeezes around its leg.

  “Let go!” But I don’t, and with a jerk of the tail, the whole alien comes crashing down on top of me. If this was an anime and the alien was a cute anime girl, this would probably have ended a bit differently. Maybe.

  Since I’m only trapped in vines and nothing more, it’s easy to use my claws to simply cut it open, freeing my limbs for all of their mischievous use. In this moment, that means I easily snatch the blaster from the alien’s hand. “Hey!”

  I had almost expected it to bust out some secret, hidden weapon, or to try to punch me or whatever, but it didn’t. And so, using the same vines it had tied me up with, I do the same to it, stringing it up from the top of a nearby palm tree. It looks pretty pathetic, but some carnal part deep inside me loves the irony of the encounter. Couldn’t handle humanity, could you, huh?

  “R-, release me! Give back blaster!”

  Your blaster? Oh, you mean this thing?

  I hold it up in my hand. Man, it sure would be a shame if I…

  -Crunch!

  “BLASTER!”

  Oh, whoopsie, butterfingers.

  I throw away the crunched bits and they dissolve into pixels. Apparently, since the alien didn’t die, the blaster didn’t actually matter that much. I wonder how much time it will take before it regenerates, assuming it ever does?

  “B-, blaster…!”

  Well, he’s sure to get himself down eventually. In the meantime, I’m starting to feel well and truly starved. Considering that I haven’t eaten or drank in around two or three days, I could probably be feeling a lot worse.

  Hm, now, where could I best get some coconuts? My gaze trails from the indecipherably shouting alien to the coconuts dangling just above it. Ah, perfect.

  Climbing up the side of the palm tree is easy as pie since I’ve got nothing but claws (and there happens to be a really good, if somewhat loud, foothold), and grabbing a nut is equally simple. I could probably have shaken the tree like they do in the cartoons, but for some reason, ever since I was a kid, I’ve had an irrational fear of a coconut crab falling down and face hugging me if I did. Besides, it might allow the alien to escape his bindings. I may not know all there is about movies, but that’s a surefire way to get mauled.

  I shudder. Well, coconut: acquired.

  Now, how do I actually eat this thing?...

  The Cook, The Wife, The Thief and Her Lover: 7/10, Good, D.D: 1. It's like watching an entire movie in the style of the Puttin' on the Ritz music video. Uh, the one from the eighties? Yeah. The style was really worth the watch, though the plot itself was a little nonsensical (/pos). It was really just a delight to look at (and HEAR!) so, yeah. Very recommended.

  We Need To Talk About Kevin: 8/10, Good, D.D: 2. Remember what I said last time about parents being overtaken/attacked by their kids? Yeah. Although this movie doesn't have the kind of gore that would bump it up a bit higher, it has an amazing build-up throughout the entire movie and the ending feels both avoidable and inevitable, as is with the best tragedies. This would always have happened. There was nothing she could have done. Her only sin was loving him, despite everything. The fact that she hugged him there at the end really sealed this as being a really good movie well worth the watch. Recommended.

  Videodrome: 7/10, Good, D.D: 2. Much like the Cook, the Wife (etc) this film just encapsulates the 80's in a sense that makes even younglings like me feel a bit nostalgic. The practical effects alone are worth the watch, but the story, the themes, the ending, the characters and the soundtrack just elevate it all to the next level. I loved the gun hand. A hand that can make nothing but violence. Wonderful. Everything to do with the television screens was awesome. Just a really cool experience. Very recommended.

  Deliverance: Banjo/10, Good, D.D: 1. Unlike what I probably should, I don't consider rape, no matter how realistic, to be all that disturbing. It's pretty low on the disturbingness tierlist, a step below "eating shit" but one step higher than regular nudity. Regardless, this rape scene was really cool. Uh, well executed, that is. Not... I don't condone rape. Rape is bad, m'kay? The rest of the movie was pretty standard as far as these sorts of stories go. If the main characters had been a bunch of high school kids (who undress and skinny-dip in the river) this would've been a pretty standard splatter film. But instead, it's a really cool movie that's just a delight on both the eyes and ears. Recommended.