…

  H-, huh?!

  I wake up with a startle, and I try to swim up, but instead, I just fall back down, my arms grasping for the branch in panic. In the end, I’m hugging the tree like a sloth, upside down, my chest heaving.

  Okay. Okay. I’m alive. I’m not dead. But… but it’s still dark. What is even…?

  Oh, that’s what.

  The sound of shopping cart wheels.

  Far below me, if I arch my neck, I can see silhouettes. Not humanoid, not monsterlike, just… Shadows. Moving about, from tree to tree. No, not the trees themselves, but rather… Something in between them. They slide gently, like lizards on ice, moving and avoiding each other without so much as touching. It’s like watching an amazing ballet. It’s all so… synchronised.

  I have a feeling that if I fell down, I wouldn’t be too happily greeted.

  As silently as I possibly can, I clamber back up on top of the branch. Let’s just go back to sleep. Strange shadows moving in the night wasn’t anything weird, the ocean was full of them, let’s just sleep.

  …But it’s so hard to sleep when it’s quiet. There’s only my own breathing, and the only light I can see is the forbidden silver light from the man in the moon. I miss the meek, red glow. The soft snores.

  The tale has been illicitly lifted; should you spot it on Amazon, report the violation.

  …I miss him.

  I squeeze my eyes shut. I don’t want to have to try and clean out my helmet again, but it doesn’t help. It’s filling back up again with the salty ocean. Nevertheless, I keep my eyes shut, pressing myself against the bark of the tree, hoping it might provide some warmth, even if only a little.

  I get nothing of the sort.

  Once the sun stands high enough, I wake up, only panicking briefly that I might be seeing the light of the moon.

  …When did I get so pathetic?

  I glance down from the tree. There’s nothing there except an empty can. After waiting for a few minutes just in case of any unwanted surprises, I leap down from the tree with agility I haven’t had since I was a teenager. My knees work. It’s almost enough to make a grown man cry.

  Either way, now that the forest is bright enough to see through, I can tell quite well that this place is, indeed, filled with store shelves. Just a whole bunch of them. I actually can’t see an end to it, apart from where the forest changes into beach. It is, actually, just a whole lot of store shelves. Some are made of wood, others of metal wires and aluminium. It’s just so surreal.

  And it’s not like the shelves are empty either, no, they’re stuffed full of things, from foodstuffs to musical instruments to actual weapons. There are guns here. Guns.

  Out of curiosity, I pick one out, but it won’t load any bullets, and when I try to press the trigger too hard, it splinters into wood. That’s, um… Yeah.

  My stomach growls.

  Now that I think about it, I haven’t eaten since…

  I shake my head. I… I should get some grub. At least one of these literal thousands of wares has to have actual food in it, right? Like… What about this bag of chips? Not especially nutritious, but better than nothing.

  I pull it open and it transforms into a now-bisected leaf. Uhuh.

  What about this can of tuna? Oh, um, that’s a rock.

  How about this sausage, then? Ah. It’s mud.

  This piece of raw steak?

  This pre-baked cake?

  This porkchop?

  This instant meal?

  This…

  This…

  …

  Haah, haah, haah… God, I’m hungry. N-, none of these things are real! None!

  Not the food, not the items, not even the pieces of art! It’s all fake! I’ve been scammed, I’ve gotta, I have to…

  “Pay?”

  Battle Royale: 6/10, Okay, D.D: 2. I've read the book too, and both of them strike me as just a little bit lame. Maybe not a lot, it's certainly watchable, but the book was a real slog to get through if only because of its agonizing length. Maybe if I'd had more time I would've enjoyed it. The movie and book obvious revolutionised/created an entire ganre of concepts, but I think the battle royale format has been done better elsewhere. Not recommended.

  Raw: 5/10, Okay, D.D: 2. You know how some movies try to be artsy and just come off as pretentious, even though they probably had something interesting to say? Yeah. Like, I understand that the theme here was probably that "ooooo in love we eat each other wowww" but it just didn't come across. It was just a pair of girls eatin' flesh and suckin' thumbs. A bit sad with how cool the concept could have been. Not recommended.

  The Hills Have Eyes: 7/10, Good, D.D: 1. Standard horror movie except, I guess, the monsters are humans? I'm describing it badly but it was a pretty good film, which is expected considering how famous it is. It felt similar in theme and atmosphere as Psycho. In all honesty, I just really liked the cat 'n mouse game that took place between the warring factions. It also had a few grisley deaths but nothing too visceral. Recommended.

  Eraserhead: 8/10, Good, D.D: 2. Another super-famous movie that really did live up to its reputation as a weird artsy and subtle movie. Some of the themes were more obvious, but I personally think a rewatch would be in order. The design of the baby was super cool and the ending was what made me bump up the D.D to a two. I really wish I'd paid more attention. Very recommended.

  Goodnight Mommy: 6/10, Good, D.D: 3. Weird rating for a few reasons. Technically speaking it didn't have much going for it be it in plot or spooks, but the concept of children overthrowing their parents is one that I do find a bit spoopy. In this case, the scene of the mother being confined to bed, her nethers soiled and her eyes sunken just happened to remind me of Sloth from Se7en. So, although I do consider this movie good and all, on account of not really remembering it and not feeling much of an urge to watch it again, I'll just say: not recommended.

  Once Were Warriors: 7/10, Good, D.D: 1. A very realistic portrayal of domestic abuse, gang life and the consequences it can have on the youth. With some movies, their reason for being considered "disturbing" can be chalked up to a single scene rather than the whole thing. In this case, I assume it was the... Actually, no spoilers, go watch it. It's worth going in blind, if only for the excellent portrayal of New Zealand culture. Very recommended.