Henry opened his eyes again to a dark, dank cave.

  He really needed to stop dying and waking up in weird places; it was getting old fast. The cave is massive, with no visible entry or exit. From the ceiling, one spotlight illuminates what looks like a pile of golden coins.

  Henry gets up and pats himself down, checking all his fiddly bits. Everything seems to be in order. Strangely, he feels no pain or aches in his body. What is going on here? He throws a couple of experimental punches and kicks. They snap with a satisfying crack. This is getting more and more perplexing.

  The original owner of this body had never practiced martial arts in his short and miserable life. So how was Henry throwing these punches and kicks like he had been doing them his whole life? Henry didn't care; he just relished that he was no longer trapped in a broken body. Henry whooped and jumped, throwing a sweeping windmill kick in the air.

  "You think you're hot shit in a champagne glass, but you ain't nothing but a cold fart in a dixie cup."

  "Who the fuck said that?" Henry said as he assumed a ready stance.

  "Big tough man punching the air. I fucking said that, you little punk."

  Henry gaped as the pile of gold in the middle of the room melted and reformed into a giant golden serpent. His survival instincts kicked in, and he immediately dropped his hands and bowed.

  "This lowly servant means no offense, great one; his name is Peng, and he begs your pardon."

  "Oh, for fucks sake, drop that xianxia bullshit; I know you aren't Peng, and I know you aren't from this world. It's Henry, right?"

  Henry didn't know what to do then, and the hamster wheel in his head had stopped turning. On one hand, Henry was pretty sure this serpent could flatten him with one swipe of its claw.

  On the other hand, who the fuck did this overgrown worm think he was talking to. Henry had never been a reasonable person and didn't feel like he was one now.

  "You know what, I'm getting sick and tired of being dumped on," Henry said indignantly. "First, I get my shit rocked by some rich asshole, then I find out I'm worth less than dirt, then some gold tablet slams my head, and now I have to deal with a snippy ass gold noodle."

  Henry was fuming now, having worked up a head of steam. He was walking back and forth, gesticulating wildly in the air.

  "What did I do to get isekai'd into this broke motherfucker? One lifetime of being poor wasn't enough? Give me a break, man. That's not even the worst part. Do you want to know what the worst part is, Goldy? Can I call you that? Fuck it, I'm calling you that".

  The golden serpent raised one finger as if he were going to say something.

  Henry cut him off mercilessly.

  Henry was in hysterics, windmilling his arms and legs around his body like a human dervish. "The worst part, Goldy, is that this fucker, this fucker here," Henry gasped as he jabbed himself in the chest, "has no talent, no cultivation, no family, and is probably a virgin. So excuse me for being excited when I find out I can at least punch like I used to." Henry was hyperventilating at this point; he was pretty sure he was having a panic attack as he fell to the floor.

  "Jebus bro, calm down, take a breath."

  Goldy was slowly patting Henry's back and fanning him with a fan he had formed from his claws, its reptilian face looking concerned.

  "I was just fucking around, ya know. Oh, come on, it'll be alright."

  Stolen from its rightful place, this narrative is not meant to be on Amazon; report any sightings.

  Henry sniffed petulantly and shrugged the dragon's claw off his shoulder.

  "So what's the deal then if you aren't going to eat me? Are you going to do some weird soul body transplant where you take my body and mindwipe me? I'm pretty sure they do that in the novels I used to read all the time.

  "Eww, why would I ever want your weak-ass mortal body? No, I'm waiting for someone to take my legacy so I can leave this damn cave."

  "You aren't in a cave. I touched a tablet called the Thundering Shenlong Heart Mantra, and I blacked out and ended up here." Henry said.

  "That stupid fucker put me in a tablet and then dropped me off in a commoners hut? The disrespect is downright cruel."

  The serpent coiled itself fully around Henry and rested its head on his.

  "Henry, can I level with you for a minute?"

  "I mean, sure, what can I say? No?" Henry said as he leaned into the serpent's body.

  "My name is Shenlong Percival Huanglong."

  "YOUR MIDDLE NAME IS PERCIVAL?" Henry interjected.

  The serpent put a claw over Henry's mouth.

  "I know it is stupid, but my parents were big on subversion of expectations. Shut up and let me continue."

  Henry nodded his head and put his hands on his lap.

  "I am an old creature, Henry, and when you live as long as I have, you start to get very bored.

  "I picked up some bad habits during my long existence, Henry. None worse than the one that got me stuck in here."

  "I love to gamble."

  The serpent let out a long sigh as if recalling a painful memory. Henry patted its head and gave it a double thumbs-up of encouragement.

  "I was not a very good gambler, Henry. I lost a lot to the other deities and spirits. That didn't stop me, though, because Mama did raise no quitter. So I kept gambling and losing until one day I had nothing left."

  Henry felt empathy for this serpent; he, too, understood the pain of being broke.

  "That's when It came. It initially offered me some free gold because It thought I was a good dude and could use some help."

  "I kept losing, and it kept offering a little more each time."

  "Soon, a contract was introduced, giving me even more, but this time, I had to pay it back—very little, mind you, barely anything."

  Henry felt a sense of despair wash over him. He didn't know why, but he felt a kinship with Goldie's plight.

  "This thing said I was making the Minimum Payments."

  "I loved it, this wonder of Minimum Payments."

  "I was gambling and barely having to pay anything. I was in a vicious cycle, Henry, stuck in this loop of only ever being able to pay an ever-increasing Minimum Payment until one day everything changed."

  Goldy took a deep breath to collect himself. This recollection was hurting him. Henry saw this and gave his new serpent pal a big bro hug.

  "The thing came and said I could keep paying the Minimum Payment or make a bet with It."

  "I couldn't say no, Henry."

  "It told me that training one true disciple within five thousand years would wipe my debt clean and give me all my money back. If I couldn't, then It would take everything it was owed from my cultivation and flesh."

  Henry looked at Goldy in horror. This thing was going to assault his bro, and Henry hated it.

  "At first, I was all in; I would double up and get everything back. I could train an inheritor; how hard could it be?"

  "All my siblings had at least one and I am way smarter than those assholes".

  "I realized after my first fifty disciple that this was a suckers bet".

  "Not one of those bums could go the distance; none had the drive to cultivate my mysterious arts."

  "I am a gambler, Henry. So I wagered with It again double or nothing."

  "Pick a person and put me anywhere, and in 100 years, I will train them to full inheritor status."

  Henry raised his hand and said, "What happens if you don't? Is it going to violate you?"

  "No gross. Why would you think that? There are fates worse than death or violation, Henry."

  "So, how much time do you have left?" Henry was intrigued by his new, obviously gambling-addicted friend.

  "Fifty years."

  "Bro, I could do that, no sweat. What's so hard about your cultivation anyways?" Henry scoffed. Goldy uncoiled from Henry and pointed one clawed finger to the middle of the cave, where the earth seemed to flatten by itself and form a fighting ring.

  "Get in there, and I'll show you."

  Help a Bro Out!