Homeless Bunny 32

  Ozpin

  It was official. I no longer knew what was happening.

  I’d seen a great many things in my myriad lives. I’d seen wonders beyond mortal imagining, terrors too. There were times when I questioned my self-imposed crusade, when I wondered if the gods had been right and there was nothing about humanity worth saving. It was a constant whisper in the back of my mind, the urge to simply give up the good fight.

  Lately, that whisper had grown quieter. As I’d come to learn, our gods had abandoned humanity, but our gods were rather small fish in an infinitely vast ocean. We were not alone in all of existence, and that realization both awed and terrified me.

  Tianyu. Everything led back to Tianyu. He was, as best I could tell, a god. He claimed to be a Campione, a type of ascended human, but he was a god. He wielded divine powers, possessed divine domains, and, perhaps most damningly, had a divine lack of common sense. As the children said these days: If it quacked like a duck…

  And yet, he was nothing like the Brother Gods I knew. He neither demanded worship nor expected impossible perfection from those who followed him. If anything, his single-minded devotion to cooking left no room for the tyranny that was so typical of those with such power.

  Oh, he could be vindictive. I was aware of a certain detective in Vale who was plagued by seemingly unkillable, uncatchable rabbits. But though Glynda argued that his punishment was petty and unusual, it certainly was, even she could not claim he was unreasonably cruel.

  He’d taken over the training of Beacon’s most promising students and quashed racially motivated bullying. Or rather, Amber crushed racially motivated bullying for fear that Tianyu might feel the need to get personally involved. I suspected that was wise of her.

  He made enough dust on Beacon land to make the “Beacon Dust Company” the wealthiest entity in the world. We were now at odds with the Schnee Dust Company, but I would have been a fool to make any other decision. I felt that no matter how inexperienced, young Miss Schnee would be a better steward of this wealth than her father.

  And, he brewed divine coffee. That was important. All told, he was a net positive for Vale, and Remnant at large. So no matter how annoying this meeting was, I couldn’t bring myself to resent the resident god too much.

  It hadn’t been long since Queso had made a mockery of “the strongest navy in the world.” I doubted that even having a literal god visit his doorstep would get Jacques to stop antagonizing the bunny. The man really was that arrogant. It was now my job to ensure that at the very least, he did not drag all of Atlas down with him.

  James, Glynda, Qrow, and I were on the call to hopefully figure out where to go from here. Salem had reigned as god-queen for a time, but it had been millennia since a true god had been seen over Remnant. The good general’s ruffled appearance was rather understandable in that light.

  “No, I did not summon him,” I answered James for the sixth time tonight. “Yes, Queso is a god, or close enough to it that the distinction is a matter of semantics.”

  “That can’t be true. There are only two gods,” James denied. James Ironwood, the most celebrated and feared commander in the world, had been reduced to the level of a petulant child.

  “There were two gods that we were aware of. I never claimed to know every deity, merely the Brothers. Queso is a god for certain; the mana and divinity he gave off was rather unmistakable. Tianyu claims to be a Campione, an entity who slays gods and usurps their powers. For our purposes, the distinction is irrelevant.”

  “Yes, you said that.”

  “And I shall say it as often as I must. Tianyu is a god. He has been remarkably accommodating thus far. Do not attempt to fight him. You will not win.”

  “There has to be something we can do,” he insisted. No one is invincible. It’s even in the title he claims: Even gods can be slain.”

  “The only thing you will accomplish will be to lose ships and men in what I suspect will be ever more embarrassing ways. Have you ever lost to bunnies? Not a bunny faunus, literal bunnies? There is a real chance that Tianyu will destroy your navy with an army of bunnies.”

  “Be serious, Oz!”

  I took a sip of the glorious brew. The soothing aroma of hazelnut and cinnamon tickled my nose. “I am deadly serious. I do not know how he can accomplish it, but I have no doubt it is within his abilities. Fear the bunnies, James.”

  “This is fucking great. Hey, maybe he’ll make the bunnies build him a navy out of carrots just so he can out-general tin-man over there,” Qrow said as he took a long sip from his flask. “It’s like one of my drunken fever dreams turned into reality.”

  “Though Tianyu has shown no interest in advanced technology thus far, it is not out of the realm of possibility. Reality is often stranger than fiction.”

  “Say, Oz, can’t we just point him at Salem? I mean… he can keep her busy for a few centuries, right?”

  “That sounds like a terrible idea,” Glynda said. Then again, she disagreed with Qrow almost on principle.

  “Now, Glynda,” James cut in. “Qrow does have a certain low cunning. Salem is a witch from the First Age. If he defeats her, great. Even should he die, it would weaken Salem and we would have one less problem, surely.”

  “That will not work for several reasons, chief among them is that he can hear our conversation,” I replied. It was a guess, but not an uneducated one. Over the past few months, Tianyu had demonstrated sensory abilities that defied all logic. It was almost as though his sense of hearing was the “idea” of hearing, rather than a mechanism which interpreted the vibrations in the air.

  “He can hear us?” James asked in a harsh whisper, like a teenager trying to sneak his girlfriend into his house while his parents slept. Amusing, given he was dialing in via CCT.

  “Quite. Logic has no place among the divine. Or rather, gods abide by a different set of rules.”

  “There has to be something we can do…”

  I stared him down with all the weight of my past lives. For a moment, I gained the authority of countless kings, conquerors, and sages. “No, James. There is nothing you can do. Tianyu is a peer to the Brother Gods if not their greater. Allow me to discourage you of any unwise actions by reminding you that he knows what is keeping Atlas afloat. Do you really want his enmity?”

  “W-Well…” he sighed, defeated. “Fine, but I am sending Winter to monitor the situation.”

  “Pftt, you’re sending the ice queen?” Qrow scoffed. “Having a little family reunion, are we?”

  “He is not a Schnee.”

  “You've got that right. Rubes says Weiss is adopted into his house, not the other way around. So I guess it’s ‘Winter Yue’ now?”

  The two descended into more predictable bickering. Glynda, despite her best attempts to stop them, only managed to get sucked into the argument. The three really were like children sometimes, or perhaps I was again starting to feel my age.

  I felt a migraine begin to build so I took a long, comforting sip of divinely blessed coffee and the world was right again. Truly, I needed no further proof of the bunny’s godhood than the mug in my hand.

  X

  Salem

  It was official. I no longer knew what was happening.

  A god had descended to the mortal plane. No, a god was summoned. Watts’ moles in Atlas were able to acquire recordings of both the new serpent deity and the tinpot general’s meeting with Ozpin.

  I felt the serpent’s divinity, a power unlike the rabbit’s. The rabbit’s mana was tightly controlled, always restrained as a god among men. Not so with the serpent; he saw no need to restrain himself. No, I doubted he even could, his domains being what they were.

  Unlike the rabbit and his magic, the serpent’s power spread throughout the sky. It was as though the very winds were singing hymns to their master for all creation to hear. “Here is the god of the sky. Here is the lord of the winds,” they whispered. To one with the gift of magic, it was an unmistakable call, the hand of divinity upon the natural world.

  I did not understand. I’d long wondered if there were other gods. In my darkest moments, I wondered how different my life could have been had the Brothers not been such cruel masters. The presence of another deity, I could accept.

  No, what I could not wrap my head around was the fact that this deity, this lord of the sky, chose to be someone’s familiar, a glorified mailman.

  The more I considered it, the more certain I became: This was no familiar, at least not in the traditional sense. There was no master-servant relationship because the idea that one could exist with the god in the junior position was laughable.

  There must be a contract. That was the only thing that made sense. The serpent deity clearly consented to being summoned in specific circumstances, for specific purposes. I couldn’t imagine what went through that bunny’s mind to think that his situation called for such a summoning, but there had to be conditions.

  That quenched the primal fear that stirred at his divinity. If there were rules to that contract, then those rules could be used to my advantage. I just needed to tease out what they were.

  “My lady, what do we do?” Watts asked, voice crackling slightly through the screen. “That creature… What is it?”

  “A god,” I replied simply, hiding my own trepidation. A queen had to appear unflappable. “Or so he claims.”

  The narrative has been illicitly obtained; should you discover it on Amazon, report the violation.

  “There is but one goddess, you, my queen,” Tyrian simpered. Blind faith and psychosis, what a beautiful combination. He was not the first fanatical sycophant, nor would he be the last.

  “The serpent is formidable, as is his summoner. And yet, we know so little about this newest player on the board.”

  “Send me, my queen. I will not fail like Cinder.”

  He would. There was no mistaking the divinity I’d sensed. If the summoner was even a tenth as powerful, then calling Tyrian a bug compared to this Tianyu figure would be generous. None of my subordinates could be trusted to face the rabbit.

  And yet…

  “You will go,” I said imperiously. Before he could preen too much, I gestured to Cinder as well. “Both of you. Watts, the rabbit is still pretending to be a student?”

  “He is, my lady,” the old doctor said. “I have Beacon’s academic calendar if you wish to target a specific day.”

  “I remember. The field trip to Forever Fall is an annual event.”

  “Yes, my lady. All first years are taken to the forest to acquire a unique sap that can be found in the trees there. The sap has medicinal and culinary properties, though I suspect the trip is primarily used for recreational reasons.”

  “Then that is when we will strike. I shall rouse the ancient wyvern that slumbers near Vale and send a grimm tide. Perhaps a beast almost as ancient as I will be his match. Tyrian, you will wait for the opportune moment before stinging him. Your venom should strip away whatever protections Cinder could not overcome. If no such moment appears, withdraw without being seen.”

  “Yes, my queen.”

  “Cinder, you may take the opportunity to slay the Fall Maiden. Between the wyvern, grimm tide, and Tyrian, he will be too distracted to protect her.”

  “I will not fail,” she said with a dark smile, confident she could face the Maiden.

  “Watts, you will observe. Your primary job will be to study the rabbit’s response. Hazel, you will protect Watts should he be discovered, and, should the others require it, provide reinforcements for extraction.”

  “Yes,” the two chorused.

  I cut the connection. Of the two, I judged that Cinder had the higher chance of success.

  They were, in the end, expendable minions, tools to be used as I pleased. Even should all my human pieces be removed from the board, I would simply bide my time for another century or two.

  The Fall Maiden was a naive child. Given she possessed half the Maiden’s power and far more experience in combat, she likely could overpower the Maiden. All it would take was a single moment of direct contact with her palm and the grimm parasite I’d placed in her would do the rest. Then, even if Tyrian fell, I would claim the power of one of my daughters.

  But Tyrian’s mission wasn’t impossible either. Gods did not kneel. I was intimately familiar with their divine arrogance. If a contract could be made, gods abided by the terms of that contract, and only that contract.

  This “Queso” was contracted to act as the rabbit’s herald, perhaps also a transport. Perhaps he would not be required to fight in defense of the rabbit. In which case, the wyvern could possibly kill the rabbit, or offer enough of a distraction for Tyrian to land the killing stroke.

  I could be wrong of course, but that was why Tyrian was being sent first. He was my least reliable vassal, if also the most fanatical. Success would be splendid, but the degree of his failure would tell me much.

  I looked through the window, up towards the broken moon. The God of Darkness shattered the moon when they abandoned Remnant. It had slowly been repairing itself as of late, something Tianyu took credit for. Perhaps he spoke the truth, perhaps not.

  In the end, it didn’t matter. I had more ancient grimm. If Tianyu fell here, he would never have been able to grant my wish anyway. If he succeeded, if he truly proved to be as mighty as he claimed, then perhaps…

  Perhaps I could finally rest…

  X

  Yang Xiao-Long

  It was official. I no longer knew what was happening.

  Tianyu said I did good this weekend. I worked hard, didn’t forget the menu items, and defused all the catcalls from drunk guys without punching their lights out. He said that, as a reward for being a good waitress, I could pick tonight’s menu for the teams.

  Weiss slipped me a post-it in class asking for a lobster thermidor with a side of apricot burrata salad, wild mushroom risotto, and a wine pairing. She also slipped in a blank check.

  For fuck’s sake, I didn’t even know what half those words meant!

  So, of course, I asked for a cheeseburger. Let it never be said that Yang Xiao-Long was a sellout.

  Really, what was wrong with a burger anyway? Meat, buns, cheese, maybe some grilled onions. That was all a burger really needed. Even Uncle Qrow could grill up a decent burger and he was usually too drunk to be trusted around fire.

  Then I had an idea. Sure, I was a bit of a purist, but that was because I lived on Patch all my life. We didn’t exactly have a large variety in terms of ingredients. Food could be imported of course, but most of it was basic stuff that we couldn’t grow ourselves.

  I figured, why not? Why not try the fanciest, bougiest burger the magic bunny-chef could make? This could well be a once in a lifetime opportunity.

  That was the idea, anyway.

  It started kinda fun. We were all gathered in the dorm commons, our three teams. At this point, it wasn’t the communal kitchen; it was Tianyu’s kitchen. Everyone else occasionally got to use the microwave.

  Weiss turned up her nose at the thought of “gourmet” burgers surprisingly. She said all those foie gras, caviar, and truffle shavings were a waste of money, things slapped on top of a patty to show off wealth rather than because their flavors meshed well. That just made me double down. Now, I demanded the fanciest, highest quality burger Tianyu could make, if only to get on Weiss’ nerves.

  Tianyu’s eyes glowed like ruby headlights. She should’ve known he’d take that as a personal challenge. Then things got… weird.

  Tianyu set a matchbox-sized suitcase on the counter. It expanded to full size and the lid popped open to reveal dozens of different compartments.

  “Spatial expansion and chrono-static enchantments. Basic stuff,” Tianyu explained, like anyone else carried around a magic fuck-you bag full of cooking ingredients. He opened one specific compartment and pulled out a container of ground beef. “Alright, let’s talk beef.

  “For burgers, you typically want ground beef with about fifteen to twenty percent fat content. The exact ratio depends on the other ingredients you’re adding to the burger. For our purposes, let’s go with a standard eighty-five percent lean, fifteen percent fat. Now, this blend is a bit special.”

  “What? Is that one of those Mistralian A-5 patties?” I joked.

  “No, and don’t you buy into that bullshit. A-5 is shorthand for ‘highest yield and quality.’ Yield is the ratio of meat to the rest of the carcass and doesn’t matter because you’re not eating a steak. Quality typically refers to fat ratio and the way said fat is marbled throughout the beef. It also doesn’t matter because when you make ground beef, you’re obviously mixing the fat into the meat anyway.

  “What you really want to pay attention to is the cow’s diet and lifestyle. Free-range cows that are permitted to graze and exercise will develop a grassy, earthy note to their meat that cows that are fed on grain feed will not. Also, I suppose dry-aged beef will have a difference in taste as well but you’re not likely to find that at a general goods supermarket.”

  “Uh-huh…”

  “You understood none of that.”

  “N-No, I was paying attention!” I squawked. My reward was starting to sound like a lecture.

  “Fine, whatever. This particular ground beef is none of those things. It’s special because it’s from Inanna’s pet bull. Luo Hao and I kill it in the Netherworld every time it reforms its legend.”

  “Wait! This was someone’s pet? Nooo!” Ruby cried in distress. She glared at Tianyu with teary eyes. “How could you eat someone’s pet?”

  “Hey, you don’t know Inanna. She’s a colossal bitch. And in my defense–”

  “What? What could possibly justify patricide?!?!”

  “I don’t think you know what that word means, Ruby.”

  “I don’t care!”

  “Well, in my defense, the bull tastes really good.”

  “Tianyu!”

  “Hold on, Rubes,” I said, grabbing my sister before she could tackle the bunny. “He said the bull grew back. What kind of bull grows back?”

  “The divine WMD kind that was used by the Sumerian pantheon to smite entire civilizations off the map,” Tianyu said calmly. It was like he derived some sick pleasure from making our lives weirder and weirder. “Inanna is the Sumerian sky goddess and the ruler of heaven. Her pet bull is a divine spirit that reforms in the Netherworld once slain.”

  “So… We’re about to eat a god?” Amber asked tentatively. I still wasn’t too sold on the “god” thing, but she seemed to believe it one hundred percent.

  “Yup. Well, kinda. I’m going to take a bit and mix it with regular beef to make sure the residual mana inside doesn’t overload you. Because then your soul would explode and that’d be bad.”

  “Yes, exploding is bad. Let’s not do the exploding,” one of the twins said wryly. I still had trouble telling them apart.

  “Don’t worry, I’m a master chef.”

  “But are you a master divine meat-mixer-person, too?”

  “Alchemist, the word you’re looking for is alchemist. And as a point of clarification, the one who bears the title of the Jade Rabbit must also be the Grand Alchemist of the Thirty-Six Heavens. The original Jade Rabbit got that title because she was responsible for brewing the elixir of life that the immortals of the Taoist pantheon drank. So, yes, I am in fact a master alchemist.”

  “So what else is going in the burger?” I asked curiously.

  “From the bottom up, I’m thinking a hearty roll made from wheat bartered from Demeter and a roasted red pepper spread with diced aji charapita peppers. It’s got a citrusy, floral note and packs a bit of a punch.”

  “Is Demeter another crazy magical person?”

  “If by magical you mean one of the original six gods that overthrew the god of time, then yes. She’s the goddess of the harvest and her grains are fantastic,” he replied, tapping out a number of small, bright peppers into a pestle.

  Nora picked up the pestle and smelled the peppers. “They don’t smell like much. How spicy are they?”

  “Fairly spicy, but far from the worst. The peppers are completely mortal but I think they’ll fit in nicely here. Now, on top of the roasted red pepper spread goes the patty and cheese.”

  “Is the cheese from a mythical cow, too?” Blake asked, half in jest, half out of genuine curiosity.

  “Amalthea, and she’s a goat. Her milk nourished the sky god, Zeus, when he was an infant hiding from his father. I go yank her titties once every few decades. She’s a good girl.”

  “Phrasing… And why was he hiding?”

  “Because Cronus, that god of time I mentioned, wanted to eat Zeus like he ate his other five children. Oh, yeah, Demeter’s one of those five.”

  “Oh, yay… Dinnertime comes with infanticide today…”

  “You asked,” the bunny shrugged. “The Greek gods are… kinda fucked up honestly. Really, most gods are. Anyway, Amalthea’s milk has the unique alchemical property of being a universal solvent that integrates only the beneficial qualities of a reagent. I made cheese and heavy cream out of it.”

  “Of course you did…”

  “On top of the patty, I’ll include a poached egg of a fenghuang for richness.”

  “That sounds quite heavy,” Ren said. “Can we have salad with that?”

  “Really, dude? Salad? With a burger?” I said, shaking my head disappointedly. “Just enjoy the artery-clogging goodness. We need fries, bun-bun.”

  “Don’t worry, I got the Inari to make me a special rice vinegar I plan to use to mix a quick slaw,” Tianyu said. He pulled out an ornate sake bottle and stirred its contents. “I know rice vinegar sounds weird, but you’ll just have to trust me. We can put that on top of the poached egg. Then, just to keep Yang happy, I’ll make an onion marmalade made with cubed peaches from my garden in the Lunar Palace to spread over the top bun.

  “And yes, I do plan to make you fries. I don’t think you’ll be able to handle more mana in your bodies so you’ll just have to settle for normal potatoes. It’s a shame, too. I once mugged a bunch of leprechauns. They were really confused when I ignored the gold and just took their potatoes.”

  I took a deep berath. Leprechauns were apparently real wherever he was from. We looked at each other and collectively decided to put that story inside the “Tianyu’s Tianyu-ness” box. Even CFVY, the newest additions to our group, had learned to stop questioning things.

  Suffice to say, Tianyu had to tuck each of us into our beds by the time we were done. It was both the most glorious thing I’d ever put in my mouth, and the most tragic, for I’d never again look at burgers the same way again. Everything else would fall short of this religious experience. This single cheeseburger made suffering at Junior’s and putting up with the twins worth it.

  Author’s Note

  Alternative Title: In which no one knows what is happening anymore and Tianyu makes burgers.

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