Homeless Bunny 30

  Tianyu Yue

  Queso really knew how to make an impression. He didn’t threaten anyone. There was no city-leveling storm, no torrent of venom or engulfing sunfire. Then again, he was a literal mile-long serpent. He didn’t need to put in much effort to appear imposing. He wrapped himself around the tower and pressed his head against the glass, leaving one, opal eye to stare hungrily at who I presumed was the lawyer.

  Poor bastard looked like he was about to shit himself. Then again, he worked for Jacques Schnee. I had no intention of hurting him, but a little something to remind him where he stood on the food chain seemed perfectly appropriate.

  “You asked for us, Oz?” I asked casually, as if I hadn’t arrived on a fuck-massive serpent-god.

  For his part, Ozpin didn’t react outwardly. I heard his heart begin to race when I activated my Authority and he never fully took his eyes off Queso, but he’d had a millennia of experience with magic and knew me well enough to expect the ridiculous.

  He simply raised his mug to his lips and took a leisurely sip. “Ah, that’s the stuff… Yes, thank you for coming, Tianyu, Weiss. This is Mr. Jonathan Sterling, chief counsel at the Schnee Dust Company. I believe he has something to say to you.”

  I turned to the man and smiled placidly. “Is he now?”

  Jonathan Sterling was a man in his early fifties, with more salt than pepper in his hair. In any other circumstance, he probably could pull off the “distinguished old gentleman” look pretty well. Unfortunately for him, law school probably didn’t come with “stared down by a serpent-god” training.

  Pathetic. Culinary schools, on the other hand, taught our students to face any circumstance with a stiff upper lip. At Totsuki, it wasn’t uncommon to see half the class expelled for not having “restaurant presence.”

  And of course, my personal sous chef was trained to a much higher standard. I once made her filet a whole tuna while atop Qinglong’s back. If Laura can’t keep her knife steady at mach three, clearly I’ve failed a teacher.

  It was plain to see that the standards of educational institutions on Remnant were lacking.

  To his credit, Jonathan Sterling did manage to serve up a file full of papers. It was full of legalese, but the gist was that it was a cease and desist letter. I pretended to read it, mostly to let him ground himself a bit. It’d be no fun if he broke down into a gibbering wreck too quickly.

  Now on more familiar footing, he cleared his throat and spoke. “Ahem, Tianyu Yue, you are being accused of slander and libel, passing off fraudulent information for the sake of personal gain. You have claimed to be the illegitimate son of Madam Willow Schnee, implying that an upstanding member of society such as her would have an affair, and with one of… your persuasion.”

  “Bunny,” I told him plainly while pretending to inspect my nails. “She’s a bunny-fucker. You may as well say it.”

  “She is no such thing!”

  “Hey, relax, Jon. There’s no shame in a woman seeking out a more… fulfilling sort of pleasure. That’s just how the wealthy are, I’m told.”

  “And you are not a Schnee!”

  “You're absolutely right. I'm not a Schnee. I mean, that'd be humiliating. No offense, Weiss.”

  “Some taken,” she replied dryly.

  “See, unlike Jacques, I am not a gold-digging societal leech whose sole contribution to society is his wonderful daughter.”

  “Gee, thank you so much, big brother. You say the nicest things.”

  Sterling sputtered. “B-Big brother? Miss Weiss, you are enabling this nonsense?”

  Weiss shrugged helplessly and offered him a wan smile. “You seem to be mistaken, Mr. Sterling. I don't enable anything. No one enables Tianyu. You just learn to buckle up and enjoy the ride.”

  “Exactly. I can’t stress this enough: I’m nothing like Jacques. I have no delusions of grandeur. I instead have a resume of deicide that spans over a century, most of the Netherworld, and nine pantheons. My grandeur is very real,” I replied. And because Queso was a bro, he chose that moment to yawn, giving everyone in the room an up close look at his pearly whites. “Besides, if anything, as my adopted little sister, Weiss should be ‘Weiss Yue’ since my name obviously carries more weight and prestige.”

  “I think I’ll stick with Schnee, thank you,” my little sister said.

  “Are you sure? ‘White Snow’ isn’t nearly as romantic as ‘White Moon.’”

  “I’ll pass, Tianyu.”

  “Like, no shit, snow is white. Your name would be more interesting if it was ‘Gelb Schnee.’ At least then it’d be funny. Actually, would you mind naming your firstbo–”

  “I refuse to name my firstborn ‘Yellow Snow,’” she shot down immediately.

  “One day, Weiss. You’ll come around to my sense of humor one day.”

  “Is this a joke to you? Do you not understand the gravity of your situation, boy? You think some animal is more influential than the Schnee?” Sterling glared, drawing himself up to his full height. To be fair, he was a well-built man who’d likely been a reasonably talented athlete in his prime. The man stood a good two heads taller than me, with broad shoulders that might have been intimidating for any normal person.

  “Of course. It’s natural. The name of Tianyu Yue resounds throughout the Netherworld. Entire mage associations would slaughter themselves to the last man for the mere chance to claim fraternity with me. But Weiss is cute so I gave it to her for free,” I said, sniffing imperiously. I flipped my hair and my ears swayed in tandem. “Am I not a magnanimous bunny? Truly, it is the duty of the Jade Rabbit to exemplify the virtue of charity.”

  “You! I don’t know why I bothered trying to reason with an animal. Clearly, civility is a foreign concept to you. And you, Headmaster Ozpin, don’t act innocent in this. You could have stopped this. You are wasting the kindness of the Schnee Dust Company.”

  The story has been illicitly taken; should you find it on Amazon, report the infringement.

  “Kindness?” Ozpin asked placidly. He’d finished drinking his coffee and had returned to filling out some paperwork. At a glance, it was a set of documents authorizing an expedition to a place called Forever Fall. It seemed us first years could look forward to a field trip in the near future. “I see a man here trying to browbeat one of my students into printing a retraction, forcing him away from his recently reunited sibling.”

  “You are a fool. Do you believe Mr. Schnee will remain idle? This was your one chance to end this unpleasantness without broader consequences. Don’t blame me when dust prices begi–”

  I couldn’t help it. I pulled out a dust crystal the size of my head from my pocket space and held it out. It was pure, of course, with none of the imperfections found throughout the mining process. I had it on good authority that such a crystal would sell for millions.

  “You mean this dust?”

  “W-What? Where did that come from?”

  “The family Semblance can evolve with the right bloodline. Mine isn’t just summoning Queso, that’s the snake’s name by the way. It’s also mastery of all elements, which extends to creating dust.” I happily made the golden wu xing circle and converted a nearby clay flower pot into one made entirely of violet dust, tasteful, yet luxurious. “Clearly, a higher power has blessed me with the indisputable proof of my heritage. I think it’s safe to say that you’re on the wrong side of history, Mr. Sterling.”

  “That’s impossible…”

  “It’s not. You may have heard that Beacon has recently uncovered a great deal of dust by our cliffside. That was a lie. The source stands before you, with zero restraint,” Ozpin said dryly. He sounded scolding, but I could see the minute twitch of his lips. He was enjoying this as much as I was. “You would not have seen it flying in from the city, but I assure you, Vale will not have problems with our dust supply for many generations to come.”

  “You’re mad, all of you. You can’t just create dust!”

  “We could not in the past. Circumstances change, Mr. Sterling. Tianyu’s Semblance seems to be extraordinarily versatile. He also has enough aura to transmute much of the cliffside to dust without tiring.”

  “I would, of course, be happy to supply Vale with dust for the foreseeable future. All I ask is that my relationship with my new siblings be respected,” I said serenely. “For the moment, the new stockpiles of dust will fall under the authority of Beacon. In the future, I expect this stockpile, and any others I create, to fall into the capable hands of my darling little sister. The Beacon Dust Company has a nice ring to it.”

  Sterling whirled on Weiss next, grasping at straws. “M-Miss Schnee, surely you can’t go along with this farce! He is your father!”

  Weiss was the picture of class and poise, with her hands clasped at her navel, back straight, and a beatific smile on her face. She had plenty of admirers in school for her porcelain skin, sapphire eyes, and a lithe, graceful figure. She was every bit the princess, as gorgeous as she was capable.

  Right now, she managed to embody that in full. She looked like a marble statue carved by the finest sculptors, a rival to Galatea herself. But though she smiled elegantly, it was a cold, bitter smile that evoked the winter wind. As if she really was carved out of stone, there was not a shred of empathy to be found.

  “Yes, Mr. Sterling, he is indeed my father. I have learned a great many things from him over the years. Chiefly, I was taught to embrace every opportunity. I learned that sometimes, sacrifices must be made,” she said. She did not scream or rage as others might have, but managed to convey her disdain perfectly nonetheless. “And though I do not take the name of Yue, I recognize Tianyu as my elder brother. How can I not, when the evidence is plainly before me?”

  “M-Miss Schnee!”

  “Don’t be too surprised, Mr. Sterling. My new brother comes to me with a great many things I have desired but could never purchase: Acceptance. Family. Freedom. These are invaluable treasures to me. And with them comes dust, the promise of a future greater than the Schnee Dust Company as it stands today.”

  “You’re making a mistake. You don’t know how long that animal will support you. There are laws and regulations–”

  “Atlas laws and regulations. You will find that Vale governs itself according to different rules,” Oz chimed in.

  Weiss walked closer to me, leaning into my side. “You heard it from the expert. So, it seems my choice is obvious, no? As my father would say: It’s just business.”

  I wasn’t sure how to follow that. Throwing her father’s lessons in his proverbial face was a masterstroke. I didn’t think she had it in her.

  My original plan was to lean into the higher power angle, make a few claims of godhood, drop a few miracles here and there. Perhaps I could upload another video online. It’d probably start a faunus cult, but it’d certainly fuck with Jacques if half of Remnant thought I was a divine avatar or something.

  Then again, that would admittedly cause a great deal of chaos. This was better. Weiss could take over the Beacon Dust Company whenever she felt she’d done her part as a huntress. We could switch over to alternative forms of energy while I supplied their dust needs in the meantime. It would bring about societal change and force Jacques Schnee to watch as all that he’d built up crumbled around his ears.

  Of course, that was a project that had yet to truly begin. It would depend on Weiss’ dedication, but I was ready to give her the metaphorical keys to the kingdom.

  In the moment, Jonathan Sterling had rather worn out his welcome. I clapped my hands, drawing every eye to me.

  “I think you’ve heard our answer,” I told him. “You know, Jon, you’ve made a mistake. You came here proclaiming to defend the reputation of Jacques Schnee. Had you come with a request from Willow Schnee demanding that I not make aspersions as to her faithfulness, I might have been more willing to comply. It is truly her reputation that is at risk after all.”

  “That is–”

  “No, don’t start,” I said, pinning him with my gaze. I grabbed him by the collar and began to drag him towards the window. “You’ve occupied enough of our time. It’s time for you to go.”

  “Unhand me! I can walk on my own!”

  “Ah, but you’ve been so kind as to come all this way. It could not have been an easy trip for you. It would be my honor to hasten your return trip home.”

  He saw Queso’s mouth, wide open and large enough to deep-throat a freight train, and panicked. “W-Wait! You can’t do this!”

  The glass rippled as the lesser-known aspect of my Sovereign of the West Wind Authority shimmered. He phased through as if the window wasn’t there, or as if he’d become a part of the wider sky itself. He was here, inside, but he was also the sky, and so outside.

  Authorities were delightful like that, especially when they came from subordinate gods notorious for their capriciousness and wanderlust.

  Jonathan Sterling fell into Queso’s open maw. He sat there, frozen in shock as Queso’s fangs, each taller than a grown man, sprouted around him like a cage. Queso’s forked tongue, with the girth of a mid-sized tree, snaked around him, securing him in place.

  “Queso, do you mind sending him to the Schnee manor directly?” I asked politely. He was a bro, but he was still a god. It wouldn’t do to treat him too much like a pet.

  “Did you have to put him in my mouth? I might swallow him without noticing,” he replied, eyes twinkling with mischief.

  “Just barf him out then. It’s fine so long as no one dies.”

  “As you wish, Tianyu.”

  With that, the god of the west wind flew off, headed north at a speed no mortal aircraft could match.

  As Annie taught me, image was very important. As was the message. That was true of heroes and Campione both, even if most of my siblings were rather blase about it all.

  So here was mine, express delivered via snake-god.

  Author’s Note

  Short chapter for the midweek slump.

  Shokugeki no Soma is an ecchi/shounen cooking comedy. It leans heavily into shonen towards the end, to the point that “underworld chefs” who do kitchen prep with chainsaws and explosives exist. It gets passed off as school life, and it is, but its humans are very much superhuman by our standards.

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