Chapter One: Reincarnation
May 5, 1979, outside a delivery room at the Yunzhou Steel Factory Hospital, a family anxiously waited. An ordinary family, just like tens of millions of other ordinary Chinese families - Grandma ceaselessly praying for Buddha's blessing, with anxious expectation in her heart... Dad pacing back and forth, occasionally taking out his cigarettes, then helplessly putting them back in his pocket. The other aunts were calm, perhaps because they had experienced this many times before...
As the baby's cry was heard, people simultaneously let out a sigh of relief. The grandmother reflexively took out a red-skinned egg and walked towards the delivery room door, with some expectation and fear in her heart, silently chanting "Guanyin Bodhisattva bless us, Songzi Niangniang bless us..."
I wasn't one to believe in reincarnation, at least not before. But the moment I opened my eyes, everything that had suddenly appeared was so real. A helpless fear spread throughout my body, flowing through my blood, but transformed into a faint cry of a baby...
Looking at these people who are happily hugging me back and forth, looking at their happy smiling faces one by one, I vaguely accepted the cycle of fate or perhaps it was another life's ups and downs without having drunk Meng Po's soup. I don't know who I am now, nor do I want to recall who I used to be, maybe I really can't remember anymore...
I'm very happy now, maybe I've finally escaped from my past memories, or perhaps this carefree and innocent baby life is making me feel fulfilled. A few days later, I returned to my own home, a small courtyard house on the outskirts of the city, and started a "big family" life.
This period of time I was very "busy", every day being teased by people who came to visit my mom, and occasionally accompanied by a silly smile. I didn't want people to notice that I was different from other babies, so I had to keep up with them, and my silly smile became a habit, along with the habit of being praised as clever. My dad and mom have many relatives and friends, I'm really tired, really tired, tired to the point where every day I only do eating, sleeping and smiling foolishly.
It's actually a kind of happiness for little kids, at least for my two-year-old "sister". Sometimes from her gaze when she sees others holding me, I can read a strong sense of envy, and perhaps a unique loss that only children have. She is somewhat unfortunate to be born into such a big family where boys are not considered auspicious.
Actually, girls born in this era are all unfortunate. In their parents' eyes, they will always be inferior to boys, so much so that they can only play the role of a sister who takes care of her younger brother in each family. This is a somewhat deformed era without little sisters, because the youngest child in every family must be a "younger brother".
Perhaps it's a guilty conscience at work, because I always thought that I ruined her happy childhood, and at least without my presence, she wouldn't be so coldly treated by our grandparents now. So many years later, when others envy the relationship between us siblings, I can only habitually smile foolishly, because I don't know whether it's the familial bond or my childhood guilt towards her that is stronger.
