Greg took a puff from his vape. He looked down at it and tried to deduce exactly what flavor it was, leaning towards bubblegum and then loosely tossing it over his shoulder.

  “Nope. Not the same. Tastes terrible.” He sighed,

  “Or, here’s a thought.” Marley said looking annoyed. “You could just hand it back. You know it tastes different because its water vapor and flavoring. No tar or carcinogens, or burning carbon that could react with a very specific atmospheric mix on a confined ship.”

  “I like the carcinogens, gives it that zing.”

  “Yea, sure. Cant beat the good ol spicy cancer flavor.” He sighed sarcastically. “But it's as good as you can have on a spaceship.”

  “I spent centuries in space, my ships didn’t have a problem with atmospheric scrubbers." he scoffed.

  “I’mma try that again. It's as good as you get aboard a cardboard box, resembling and barely functioning as a spaceship, gingerly farting its way through space on highly volatile Omnifuel and taped ductwork, while not killing the mortals serving aboard.”

  “Still got THC in it thought, right?” Greg asked.

  “Oh yea, a buttload. Only the best.” He said as Greg took a puff and made a face of disappointment. “Only the best that I can afford.” Marley added for clarity.

  “Beat’s nothing I guess.” Greg yawned.

  “Come on dude, don’t diss my supply. I know you’re bummed out about the mission failing and being stuck in a universe you don’t like for eternity, kinda being your fault and whatnot, believe me, Lawg know what’s that like. I don’t. He screws up missions daily, it’s kinda his jam.” Marley said taking a puff.

  “I can’t believe Osirian credits are worthless here.” Greg said slouching.

  “Yea being broke is lame, we got all your sympathy there. At least you can’t starve or get cold or die of oxygen deficiency. So there’s your silver lining.” He smiled. Greg perked up slightly and looked full of energy or an idea “Shit, are you smelling the color of music again?” asked Marley.

  “Not a hallucination or a mind-control episode. I just got a plan. " he said thinking hard.

  “That’s exactly what a mind controlled hallucination would say.” muttered Marley.

  Lawg looked confused, Duffy and Marley just looked concerned and Izzy wasn’t remotely shocked at the plan.

  “So you wanna rob a bank?” asked Lawg.

  “No, I wanna rob a hospital.”

  “Oh goody, that’s way less bad.” said a sarcastic Marley. "Didn’t we have that idea already before we got high?"

  "Yea, but then we got high, and I remembered the details." Greg noted. “Banks are too obvious, too well guarded. Medical supplies are where the value is. A single tube of Bio-polygel is worth more than its weight in Platinum. Federal Union hospitals are all covered by government money, all insured and replaceable. They just print off more drugs and it doesn’t even disrupt the galactic economy. We can sell it to anyone at any price: cheap to those in need, above market to the rich and ridiculous high to rich criminals. It’s a simple matter of getting a space ambulance and smuggling in a dead guy. Smuggle out the bio-pod full of meds.” He explained. Izzy squinted and looked up in deep thought.

  “That sounds a lot like a TV show in saw a long time ago.”

  “They don’t have that show in this universe; it blew up with the Earth.” Greg explained.

  "Who blew up Earth? I kinda liked Earth." asked Izzy. “Didn’t that plan also require a doctor to work, and I think even in the show it failed miserably.” she added as Greg gave a look of causal indifference.

  “Ppsh. We don’t need a doctor, I’m smarter than any human doctor, and if they arrest us I’ll just kill my way back out. It’s foolproof." he said as Izzy squinted.

  “Is it? Because most of these guys are fools, and I’m questioning your mental health lately. And what do these jokers know about hospital emergency rooms or procedures?” She pointed out. Marley perked up and raised his hand excitedly.

  “We tried to revive him by using cortical stimulators but the pulmonary-cardio activity is zero.” Marley smiled proudly. Everyone looked shocked.

  “When the hell did you become a doctor?” asked Duffy.

  “I'm smart and watch a lot of TV.” He grinned cheekily.

  “See…the bunny got it.” Greg shrugged. Plus I have tons of experience in human anatomy back when I took a medical course.” Greg added.

  “How long ago, Greg?” asked Izzy.

  “Five, maybe six hundred years ago, tops.”

  “They were dead people, weren’t they?” asked Duffy.

  “Yea, but so will the dead guy be that we need to get in.” he defended.

  “Yea but where do we just get a dead guy?” asked Lawg. Greg smiled maniacally.

  "I am very uncomfortable right now." Lawg sighed.

  Duffy covered her mouth and looked very weirded out.

  “Tadaaa. Dead guy.” Greg said as the teleporter whined down.

  “I don’t feel very happy about this.” said Lawg, looking down at dead-Lawg on the table. “Is there technically 2 of me right now?” he asked bordering emotional crisis.

  “Not really.” Greg assured. “This is just a cadaver, or a shell. Everything that makes you the special little snowflake you are, is in your brain. Neurons and memory and experience. This is a clone body with nothing up here, which is only slightly less than what’s in your head right now.” he noted.

  “Oh ha. What a clever quib.” Lawg misquoted. “You couldn’t have made him green or fat so he wouldn’t look exactly like me?” asked Lawg. It's not only personally disturbing but it's gonna look really suspicious walking around next to a dead twin.

  “Gotcha covered.” Smiled Greg sinisterly as he yanked a foot of survival green tape off the roll and abruptly slapped it across Lawg’s mouth, yanking off the tape and his anemic mustache. He then placed a pair of glasses on him and held his hands out to present the new and improved Captain Lawg.

  “Wow, you really do look different without the scruff.” Nodded Marley.

  “What the crap? My Pornstar stache! Why didn’t you just rip off the dead guy’s facial hair and give him the glasses?” he objected.

  “Someone needed it, I just found this option more entertaining and this dark chapter needed some levity.” Greg smirked "Seeing you in pain makes me smile."

  “I do feel less sad now.” Marley shrugged.

  “Does it at least make me look smart and sexy?” he asked Duffy. She paused to choose her words.

  “Do you prefer honesty or flattery?” she asked.

  “Preferably both, but given one option you know I prefer flattering lies.”

  “It looks great, Lawg.” Bluffed the Duff. “In fact it looks so damn good I may have difficulty keeping myself off of you, and therefore despite this looking absolutely amazing, the risk of distraction and constant arousal forces me to recommend growing it back as soon a possible.” She said dryly and monotone.

  “I understand.” He nodded

  “In all honesty it does make you look a little smarter.” Noted Izzy.

  “Borderline average intelligence even.” Duffy added.”

  “Thanks guys. I consider you all my crew and family, even Izzy…obviously not Greg, he stole my mustache, and I will get even.” he assured.

  “No ya won’t.” Greg yawned.

  "You really don’t wanna go there.” Izzy whispered.

  “Well.” He said looking Greg in the eerily glowing eyes. “You’re lucky this looks amazing on me, or we’d have serious beef.

  “A slim Jim like you physically can’t have beef, Lawg. Tofu maybe, Chicken even, but your not man enough to have beef.” Greg scoffed.

  “Just ignore him, you look sleek and sophisticated.” assured Duffy.

  “Even I would do you, buddy!” said Marley. All eyes awkwardly turned slowly to him. “Sorry, I know I’m bad at this. I’m done helping.” He said slouching back.

  "Junkyard, good place to get an ambulance." said Greg. Duffy nodded. "What kind do we need?" she asked.

  "Doesn’t matter, they are all close enough if you paint them up right. You know this universe better, and you're a mechanic, what's a solid and fast ship that can pass for an ambulance?"

  "Anything in the lightning-bug class."

  "Lotta options here." Greg yawned.

  "Whatever we can find, just as long as it doesn’t have an Edison-36 engine, they fall right out of the sky. She said with a solemn head shake.

  "Man, this does feel really familiar." he said as she inspected an old clunker and wiped the dust off the hull. "How's it look?"

  "Shiny" she grinned. "…dirty but no serious corrosion, be even shinier with some polishing and fresh paint."

  "Really feel like I've experienced this before." he muttered to himself.

  "If you start hallucinating I'm leaving you behind. Nothing dicks up a mission like an angry ex-wife with manipulative powers and a great ass. Do you know how many easy missions have been screwed sideways by the meddling of a crazy Ex-wife that can trick you into letting your guard down with subtle sexuality? If she gets in your head you could ended up naked and stranded on some desert planet."

  "I got this. Don’t worry about it." he shrugged. "Jenny's locked up in the ship."

  The maximum security pod creaked open and Jenny stepped out with a sigh of relief, adjusting her neck and approaching the door. The pod was swaying gently below the other ships, only a few meters above the cloud cover line. She began turning the lock bolt and opened it with a hefty kick. She stepped out and dropped down into the bay.

  This narrative has been unlawfully taken from Royal Road. If you see it on Amazon, please report it.

  "I'm just saying…" Duffy shrugged. "Lawg is kinda superstitious. He believes in luck and good juju."

  "It's scientifically proven to be nonsense." Greg complained, carrying the stolen ambulance pod as they walked back to the meeting point.

  "You get more than 4 crewmen on a ship, someone is bound to be a religious man. It's just one of those things that happens. Someone is bound to be spiritual, obviously someone has to be a strong female type who has leadership skills like Izzy, you got Marley, the quirky and goofy little ginger pilot and technician, you got the big brute for muscle, like you, the cute and sexy female mechanic like me, and someone is going to have that crazy ex wife who shows up randomly to add tension and ruin foolproof plans. It concerns me, that's all. Otherwise I'd vote you captain. It's just dumb having a mildly schizophrenic, heavily drugged badass running around on a spaceship without some kind of killswitch or hypnosis word to knock you out. What if you randomly attack the crew?" she asked.

  "All we have to do is get the crazy chick off the ship and everything is fine." he assured.

  "Sounds easy but there is always a reason you cant, and as long as she is on the ship, even confined to her room, it’s a problem for you."

  "I'd make a great captain thought. I actually was a captain for a while. I got all the requirements, dashing good looks but sarcastically humble, got my moral code that doesn’t play by the rules of society, I'm tough and slightly abrasive, but that's just what happens when you go through war. War changes you, makes you paranoid but it keeps you alive too. All good qualities in a captain of a derelict spaceship running various illegal heists and questionable cargo. Man, why I do get the feeling I've done this all before?"

  "Just make sure and tell someone if you have any crazy hallucinations. We cannot have a wild card on this mission, especially involving a dangerous woman capable of killing us all." Duffy reminded.

  "Watch out, river!" hollered Marley as Izzy peered over the pier. Izzy looked back at her footing. The rail wasn’t very solid and could have given out.

  "I almost fell in. It's more of a lake than a river, but thanks for the warning." she nodded, scoping out the area for a getaway path.

  "I always look out for my friends around piers. Leaning on that rail could have caused peer pressure."

  "Glad to know."

  "I even look out for peers pier peering. One slip and someone gets hurt. It's especially bad when you are the same height as the rails and can trip right under them. So otherwise how does it look? We got a getaway path?" Mar asked.

  "It's not a very busy road, not a lot of vantage points, but it's lined up with the hospital so it would work as a getaway path on foot."

  "I hope Greg knows what he's doing." Marley nodded.

  "Alrighty, that's a plan." Greg nodded. "Everyone got their places figured out and lines memorized, this should go rather smoothly. I feel good about this. Anyone else getting a vibe?" he asked.

  "Feels great." shrugged Marley. "It's a good plan and we have prepared for everything. I'm very confident. This whole plan has a certain serenity to it."

  "Don’t get too zen, you gotta keep sharp." he warned. I'll catch everyone after the heist." He said, aiming for the water below and stepping out of the hovering Ambulance ship.

  "How does the ship look?" asked Izzy.

  "Still shiny!" yelled the female mechanic.

  "Good, I was worried the paint was too dull and we would look suspicious." Izzy sighed.

  "Is Greg doing okay, he seemed oddly calm?" asked Duffy.

  "I checked him out and did a full brain scan before we took off. He's fine." Izzy assured.

  "Good because the last thing we need during a heist in a federal hospital is someone on our rag-tag space crew suddenly having flashabcks and violent outbursts. Especially with Jenny getting in his head. The only thing more volatile than a hallucinating super-weapon would be a sabotage of betrayal from within the crew."

  "Those would both basically scrap a mission." Izzy agreed.

  "Hopefully Lawg wont ruin this either. He's pretty stupid. We can't have someone getting stupid, the money is just too good." Duffy nodded, crossing her fingers.

  "Why do I keep getting Deja-vous?" Izzy pondered.

  The crudely painted ambulance ship hovered down to the H-pad and the doors opened. Marley and Lawg rushed out with the bio-bed and the dead-guy.

  “What happened?” asked the security guard.

  “Bad motorcycle accident.” Muttered Duffy, tagging along.

  “Alright, morgue is down the hall, 5th floor to the east wing.” He said as Lawg paused, really wanting to use his line.

  “We tried to revise him, but the steroidical stimulatrix didn’t stimucate and his GPA dropped below 2.0. He just couldn’t pull out” Lawg said dumbly. The guard looked confused as Duffy gave Lawg a death-glare for jacking up the plan before they got in the door.

  “You sure you’re a medic?” he asked.

  "I got these snazzy blue rubber gloves, don’t I?" Lawg asked. Duffy rushed in and gave him a hug.

  “He’s my little cousin. Special needs, got kicked n the head by a thorian bull-rat, hasn’t been the same. He’s job shadowing for the wish program. He always wanted to be a doctor.” She smiled. "Dontcha lil guy?" she said giving him noogies.

  “Well, be safe. Don’t let him near the equipment.” He waved. Lawg glared at Duffy and bottled his feelings. Marley tugged in his shirt gently.

  “Come on, buddy. You’re doing great. Lets get you a juice box.” He said lovingly

  “Oh, screw yourself in the furry face!” Lawg whispered aggressively, batting his hand away discreetly.

  “You’re a cranky boy today. Don’t let Aunt Duffy hear that language.” Marley snickered.

  “I’ll demote you to bathroom duty.” Lawg threatened.

  “Not cool, dude.” Mar sighed.

  They rushed down the hall and into the supply room, dumping dead Lawg like a dead log and covering him with a sheet, as they piled the expensive sheet on the cart.

  “This looks expensive.” Law nodded.

  “That’s saline.”

  “Nice.” He smiled.

  “No, not nice, Saline is just salt-water. Stick to the list. This has to last us a long time so we need every inch of this thing filled with the most expensive shit we can grab, no saline or gauze pads, just read the list and be quick.” Marley informed.

  “Where’s Greg with that distraction?” asked Duffy, peaking down the hall.

  “What’s the distraction?” asked Marley.

  “He wasn’t specific; he just said we would know it when it happened. That signal means we have 5 minutes to get out of the building while security is scrambling.

  “What if we miss the distraction because we don’t know what it was?” asked Lawg. The room shuttered and some of the shelves fell off, as the fire extinguishers sprayed and the alarms sounded. It was followed by screams and security sirens.

  “That’s probably it.” Marley shrugged.

  “We got a big blue thing in the parking lot throwing cars.” Yelled a security guard, readying his rifle. Greg was in full rage-god mode: Snout extended, clothes torn and smoldering as he breathed fire and roared, tossing cars and taking heavy tracer-fire casually like they were nothing more than fireflies.

  “Greg, don’t take down the building, it’s a damn hospital!” Izzy reminded angrily

  “Right, hence me being in the parking lot, not the cafeteria.” He growled. The dipshits rushed down the hallway with the big gurney full of drugs, as chaos ensued and bottles fell out, guards rushing past and doctors heading the other direction.

  “This was a bad plan!” yelled Lawg over the alarms.

  “I dunno, seems to be working on our end.” He said as they turned the corner and their ambulance was taking off.

  “Hu…guess we really did a good job making that look legit.” Marley nodded.

  “Did actual ambulance drivers just steal our stolen ambulance getaway vehicle?” asked Duffy.

  “Not exactly.” Lawg muttered noticing Jenny in the pilot's seat with a middle finger raised high.

  “Greg, plan B, the ambulance got stolen.” Marley communicated.

  “Geese.” Izzy sighed. “Is this really THAT bad of a neighborhood?” she asked.

  “We are 3 dipshits stealing drugs while a big blue rage monster turns the parking lot into a…well, a really bad parking lot.” Duffy noted. Izzy rolled her eyes in her inability to argue with that point.

  “We need an exit, now.” Marley informed.

  “Let’s do Sport’s Drink Man.” Greg suggested.

  “No, Greg, do not do Sport’s Drink Man. Nobody knows what that is but it sounds stupid and dangerous. Try a crazy Igor, it's safer. Sport's drink man sounds stupid and reckless." Izzy scolded.

  "That's what makes it fun." he argued.

  "Greg I forbid yo-"

  “No choice. Sport’s Drink Man is a go!” He confirmed.

  “OH NOO!” Izzy sighed.

  “OH YEAAAAA!!!!” Greg roared, ramming through the brick wall and opening a hole for the crew to escape through.

  “It’s in the building!” hollered a security guard, firing a few shots. “And it’s either being a savagely macho-man or he’s just very pumped full of sugar and electrolytes!” he added. Greg glowed blue and ripped off a wall panel.

  “Definitely has plenty of electrolytes, Electric Blue Raspberry from the look of it” the guard added.

  “BOW BEFORE YOUR KING!” he roared, ripping one of the drink machines off the wall. He threw it overhand and took out the electrical box.

  “Power’s down, go go go.” Izzy said, breaking the security gate and letting them rush through the door to the ambulance parking area, without the alarm drawing attention to them. They piled into one of the ambulance ships, and Marley began hotwiring it

  “How is Greg supposed to get back?” asked Izzy. Nobody looked like they had any idea.

  "His sacrifice will be remembered.” Lawg said, as Duffy smacked him in the back of the head.

  “Meet me at the ship.” said Greg over the coms. Izzy nodded with a confused look. Giving them nonverbal permission to leave him.

  They drummed their fingers and whistled awkwardly as they waited. The clock ticked to the 2 hour mark.

  “Really wasn’t a terrible plan actually.” Duffy shrugged. “For a big brute he’s actually kinda brilliant. He rigged the parking brake and stole your keys so we couldn’t leave without him.” She added. "If not for Jenny, this would have worked great. You just can't have crazy chicks on a spaceship unless they are a mechanic or war hero. Spaceship crew 101."

  “He’s not as dumb as he seems.” Izzy admitted.

  “Neither am I!” barked Lawg.

  “Yes…yes you are.” Duffy scolded. “You stuffed an entire drawer of that cart with juice boxes.”

  “I was promised a juice box and lied to, I earned that box of boxes.”

  “Well, it’s coming out of your share.” Marley snipped.

  “Big deal, what are they, like 2 bucks a box at a hospital? Well worth the raised price for my promised satisfaction.” He defended.

  “Lawg, that drawer could have held a grand worth of medications that was right next to you. Congratulations, you just bought a box of juice boxes for 250 credits per juice box.” Duffy rage bitched. Lawg's eyes got large.

  “That’s insane, no juice is worth 250 a box. That’s exploitation We’re selling them and I’ll use ten bucks of that to buy myself some regular juice boxes. I can wait.” He insisted.

  “Lawg, that’s not how it works.” Marley explained. “You can’t sell them for that price, nobody would buy it, they’re not even new, and they’re not re-sellable outside the crate. Nobody will even take them for free.”

  “We did.” He argued. “Wait…” he pondered. The airlock opened and Greg barged in.

  “Merry Christmas, bitches and hoe-hoe-hoes, Santa Greg is here baring gifts and the keys to the ship.” He said tossing Lawg the keys. He was smoldering and completely naked with a confident smirk.

  “How the hell did you get out of jail without anyone following you? And why are you naked?” asked Lawg.

  “Because I’m a genius. The radiation jacked up the security feeds so nobody saw me pre-rage transformation. Security was looking for a ten foot glowing beast, not a 7 foot humanoid, limping and deliriously screaming how the monster got away in one of the shuttle pods.”

  “Didn’t they notice no shuttle pods were missing?” asked Marley.

  “No, I pushed one over into the bay right before that, so there was one missing. It’s freaking Tannus 6, largest federal interspecies hospital complex, so there are like a dozen large humanoid species roaming around already. Nobody noticed me when I shrunk back down and acted homeless. The homeless population really is bad down there." he said suddenly getting serious.

  “And nobody saw you transform back?” asked Duffy.

  “Just that homeless guy I gave 3 grand worth of Quadrucyl to keep his mouth shut. That guy is either gonna get rich or stupid high, so either way I made his day better." he justified.

  “So how did you get out of orbit? After that mess they would have security scanned everyone leaving the city.” Marley asked.

  “They don’t scan the trash trucks, the compactors incinerator setting and lack of life supports, pretty much ensure nobody gets smuggled off alive. Its nice being a god sometimes, good perks.” He said brushing off a crispy banana peel.

  “We're glad you're back, now please go shower” Izzy said

  “Brought beverages.” He added, dragging the burnt vending machine tray into the room. The dipshits rushed to it, clearly used to living off vending machines and trash-food. To them it was more than edible. Izzy looked a bit too good for it.

  “Greg is the best Captain!” yelled Duffy as Lawg slouched

  “Oh big deal, he brings a bunch of half mangled snacks in a burned up machine that won’t ever work properly again. Bet the sodas are warm and all shook up. I brought everyone 250 credit each juice boxes, room temperature and still in the plastic.” He argued. Nobody cared.

  Greg strutted toward the back of the ship for his shower, pausing to enjoy the orbital sunrise as the ship drifted away from the planet. He looked satisfied, still completely naked and perching his hands on his hips in a stance of power.

  "Good day." he muttered with a nod as the camera panned away slowly to reveal his naked ass in front of the ship's cargo door.

  "Gooood day."