Alexios

  I watch as Arun sits crossed-legged out on the balcony, keeping his back to the open doors while balancing his sketchbook on one thigh. The early afternoon’s soft breeze lifts a curly strand of his hair, but when it falls back in place, he doesn’t even notice. With his pencil moving in small motions, he is completely absorbed in this moment.

  It makes me want to go to him. There aren’t enough seconds in the day to explain how sorry I am for how I’ve recently been behaving. I just… I feel so lost now. For a reason I can’t explain, Arun hasn’t given up on me even though he has every right to, in my opinion. He’s even journeyed all the way to Felcren City to talk with someone about the troubles weighing heavily on my shoulder. It helps, of course. But it’s not as if I can just open up about what is truly harming me.

  It’s her. The queen. My patron.

  The one I have served for more than 150 years, though that apparently doesn’t mean a damn thing to her anymore. I should turn away. Not just from her, but from this moment Arun has found himself in. It would be wrong to disturb his small pocket of peace. As I turn away from the balcony doorway, I hear the soft closing of his sketchbook.

  “Alexios?”

  I don’t dare take another step. When I face him again, he’s looking at me with an open look that feels incredibly undeserving after everything I’ve done lately.

  “Yes, my love?”

  He waves me over to him and I approach without another word until I’m close enough to rest my hand gently on his shoulder. Gods, how could I say cruel things to him? Yes, my words came from a place of hurt, but I never should’ve turned them on him of all people.

  “Are you feeling better today?” he asks curiously.

  Truthfully, no. I'm not, but I cannot allow myself to make that his problem again so I nod politely. My hand tightens ever so slightly on his shoulders, just so that he knows I’m really here with him in this moment.

  “Do you…” I cough and inhale deeply. “Do you still want to be with me? Even after I called you an ungrateful brat, I mean.”

  His eyes drop to his sketchbook before looking back to me.

  “You really hurt my feelings,” he tells me openly. “But I also said something hurtful too. I told you before, Alexios… I love you. That won’t change.”

  I want to ask, “Would that change if you knew what I do when you’re not around or when you’re asleep in our bed and I’m not there?”

  One of my knees presses into the cool stone of the balcony as I kneel beside him. My hand moves from his shoulder to the side of his neck so my thumb can caress just under his jaw.

  “You have no idea how much you mean to me,” I mutter before leaning in to kiss his cheek.

  I gesture to his sketchbook as I pull away.

  “May I see what you’re working on?”

  He gives me the smallest nod so I take the sketchbook into my hands, Arun’s view from the balcony captured elegantly on its page, and hold it as if it’s a holy book.

  “This is…” I start, shaking my head in admiration of his skills. “This isn’t just your view from up here. You’ve managed to capture the feeling of it too. It’s beautiful, but not nearly as beautiful as you.”

  A deep blush dances on his cheeks when I put the sketchbook back in his lap. He keeps his bright eyes on me as he turns his pencil between his fingers.

  “If you ever do feel like I’m being ungrateful for all the things you give me, I want you to tell me, okay? It shouldn’t build up inside of you to where it comes out the way it did.”

  I shake my head, hand still gently cupping the side of his neck.

  “You’ve given me more than I can ever put into words,” I tell him firmly and it’s the gods damned truth. “You will always be more than what I deserve and I… I am so fucking in love with you. Do you understand?”

  He leans into my touch almost instantly while letting the pencil escape from his hands to roll away across the balcony.

  “I understand.”

  Then I lower myself beside him and fold my legs so I’m facing him fully.

  “Look at me,” I ask of him. “It’s not about the things you do for me. It’s just… you. Always you. You’re everything and more, and even when I’m at my worst, you’re the only person I need.”

  Arun smiles brightly enough to rival the sunlight and here I am… falling in love with him all over again. I leave a soft kiss on the tip of his nose, then another one just beside his mouth. My arms make their way around his waist to pull him into my chest, letting the sun warm our skin while we sit comfortably with one another on the balcony. Just being here with him in this pocket of peace, I feel like I can finally breathe without the weight of everything in my head pressing down on my shoulders.

  Alexios.

  Come to me.

  Now.

  Of course, she would wait until this exact moment to call for me. I feel the way she tries to step inside my mind as if she owns every part of me. Unfortunately for her, I’m not in the mood so I push back with not only defiance, but something even deeper.

  My mind fills with thoughts of Arun and the way his beautiful laugh catches me off guard. I think of the way his hands tremble when he’s nervous… or when I’m on my knees for him. The queen is pushed back with every kiss and every night I’ve held Arun to my chest.

  I will talk to you when I’m ready, I tell her in my mind, shutting her out as if I’ve closed the door right in her face.

  The sharpness of her presence retreats but not before a pulse of irritation flares through my mind. When I’m finally able to return to our moment, Arun is looking at me as if he knows there’s a battle going on inside me. I wash his worry away with a slow kiss until I feel him ease under my touch again.

  My hands slide under his shirt as he softly moans into another slow kiss. All I want to feel and taste right now is him.

  Arun, Arun, Arun.

  My heart and soul. My everything and somehow… more.

  As my lips begin moving down his throat, my fingers linger over the soft curve of his hip and his inner thigh. Before either of us speak, I’m already helping him stand, moving him back against the balcony railing before dropping back down to my knees right in front of him. My hands glide down his sides before finally resting on his hips and when I look up, I can’t help but just… admire him, glowing like a god in the sunlight’s glorious rays. His fingers tighten in my hair a fraction more for every kiss I place on his stomach while I trail even lower.

  “I belong to you, Arun. Only you. Let me worship all of you.”

  --

  The sounds Arun makes when he finishes in my mouth is nothing short of beautiful. It’s raw and unrestrained, especially for him… and I can’t get enough. I swallow it greedily, hands gently caressing his hips through it. Only when I feel the tension in his body loosen, eyes half-closed, do I rise to my feet and kiss him so he can taste himself on my lips.

  “I’m even more certain you are some kind of divine being,” I say against his lips. “And I fucking love every sound you make, especially out here. So loud for me, hmm?”

  Arun laughs and covers his face out of embarrassment. I take his hands and move them away.

  “The servants probably heard, Alexios!”

  “Good,” I tell him proudly. “That only makes me want to give you more.”

  My thumbs run along his cheeks as I admire how the afterglow has left him softer.

  “Would you care to be tucked in for a nap?” I ask, picking up his sketchbook and pencil from the balcony ground.

  “During the day? Are you… are you sure that’s okay?”

  I smirk.

  “You can do anything you want,” I remind him. “This is as much your manor and plantation as it is mine.”

  He rubs his eyes sleepily so I offer my hand to him and he gladly takes it, allowing me to lead him through the balcony doors and to the bed. The sketchbook is placed carefully on the bedside table.

  As soon as I pull the sheets down, he slips comfortably beneath the covers. My hands linger for a few seconds longer when I draw the blankets up around him and smooth them out. As usual, a kiss is placed softly on his forehead before another is left on his lips.

  “I love you more than anything,” I whisper, leaving one final kiss to the base of a horn.

  Quietly, I step away, leaving the doors open slightly to let in the gentle afternoon breeze. As my footsteps creak along the staircase, I can hear a few servants moving around somewhere in the house.

  Alexios

  Come to me.

  No, I tell her again. Not right now.

  Even as I fill my thoughts with Arun asleep upstairs, I can still feel her wanting to push harder into my mind.

  Have you forgotten who I am?

  I scoff.

  Have you forgotten who’s most important to me?

  To my surprise, there’s no further push on her side, but I still feel the abrupt severing of the connection. Just as I step down the last stair, the front doors are being pushed open and Je Suis moves through them as if she owns the manor too, coat draped elegantly in one arm.

  “Hello to you as well,” I teasingly greet. “Make yourself at home as you usually do.”

  She doesn’t even bother greeting me back before she smirks, eyes moving in the direction of the balcony.

  “I guess you’ve never been one for subtlety, have you?”

  “Bold choice,” I say smoothly. “Even for me. Even after all this time, you still have a talent for arriving at inconvenient moments.”

  “I’d prefer to call my timing impeccable instead,” Je Suis purrs, clearly letting me know she’ll use this against me when it’s most entertaining.

  Just as a good host would, I take her cloak myself, draping it gently over a coat stand as she steps past me in the foyer.

  “Would you prefer for the to prepare a seat out in the gardens for next time?”

  She laughs softly.

  “Tempting, Alexios. Be warned I’d make an excellent audience.”

  I roll my eyes, still smiling despite myself, and fall into step beside her.

  “You and I both know you’d turn in into a running commentary.”

  Her heels click lightly against the wooden floors until we reach the dining hall, immediately claiming one of the chairs as if she’s been living here for years. In a way, she has.

  “Only the highlights, dear.”

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  “It’s all highlights with me,” I comment cheekily. “Perhaps Arun and I should be a bit more careful around you then.”

  She gasps jokingly, pressing a hand to her chest in pretend disbelief.

  “You would really deprive me of my entertainment?” she says, mockingly offended. “That is just… cruel, Alexios.”

  I pour her a glass of wine, chuckling softly before handing it over. She takes it with a polite nod but places the glass down without taking a sip.

  “I heard from a few folks that the last meeting didn’t go as you’d hoped, hmm?”

  “You’ve been talking to people?” I ask her, pausing halfway through pouring my own glass of wine.

  “Just listening,” she corrects me. “I’ve known you long enough to know when something’s wrong.”

  “That’s… certainly one way to put it, I guess.”

  Finally, she takes a small sip.

  “Care to tell me why you look like you’re barely keeping his head above water? What’s going on, Alexios?”

  Not able to meet her eyes, I keep my focus on the dark red liquid as I swirl it around in my glass.

  “I’m just… it’s been a lot lately. Far more than I care to admit and I’ve been overwhelmed.”

  Je Suis stands from her chair and leans in to touch my arm softly in reassurance.

  “I thought I could handle everything,” I go on, gently resting my hand over hers. “But sometimes, more things pile on all at once and I forget I’m not immune to it. I thought it would be easier to keep moving rather than to stop and admit that I’m not okay.”

  “Tell me you’re not okay and let that be enough for right now,” she replies. “How does that sound?”

  I let out a slow exhale.

  “I’m… I’m not okay, Je Suis.”

  She gives a small nod, leaving a gentle kiss against my upper arm before turning away and returning to her chair.

  “Good,” she responds, lifting her glass again to just cradle it between her fingers. “I know that admission doesn’t make this any less heavy, but… maybe let it be heavy for a while. Let someone help you, Alexios.”

  “You make it sound easy.”

  “It’s anything but,” she tells me gloomily. “But you shouldn’t have to pretend you’re alright until you combust. It’s not fair to you or Arun. Speaking of him… are you letting him help or are you too busy protecting him from this?”

  Leaning back in my chair, my eyes move right back to the wine in my class.

  “He’s been through more than enough, Je Suis. I don’t want him to think he needs to fix me too.”

  She lets out a frustrated groan and presses a hand to her face.

  “Alexios… what am I going to do with you?”

  “What?” I tell her, almost offended.

  “He doesn’t want to fix you,” she says firmly. “He just wants to be there for you. You think you’re sparing him from this pain but shutting him out will hurt him more. He’s practically your husband at this point and do you know what that means?”

  I shake my head.

  “You both chose one another. Be each other’s choices in all things, not just the easy ones.”

  Deep in my heart, I know Je Suis is right. When has she ever been wrong, after all? I can only hope he’s still resting peacefully upstairs, tucked safely underneath the blankets.

  “I don’t want to lose him,” I whisper.

  Je Suis smiles, reaching over the table to rest her hand over mine.

  “You won’t.”

  “Je Suis, you don’t understand. I’ve fucked up too many times to count.”

  She raises her eyebrows in my direction, urging me to continue.

  “I called him an ungrateful brat a few nights ago,” I admit ashamed. “I didn’t mean it! I was just so damn overwhelmed and it slipped out before I even realized what I’d said.”

  “Oh, Alexios…” she shakes her head.

  “The second it left my mouth, I knew how wrong it was for me to say that,” I clarify even more. “It’s not true. You and I both know that.”

  “Did you apologize and tell him that it’s not true?”

  “Yes,” I say, finally brave enough to meet her eyes. “I can’t believe I even said it in the first place. I hate that I hurt him.”

  Je Suis leans back in her chair, crossing her legs as her fingers tighten around the stem of her glass.

  “Words like that leave marks, Alexios. No matter how accidental.”

  “I know,” I mumble.

  It’s true. I do know that more than I’d like to.

  “You and I both know people like Arun will give you their whole heart without asking for anything in return, but it’s up to us to keep that heart safe in our hands.”

  I sit with her words for a moment, allowing them to take root.

  “Is he… feeling well?” she suddenly asks, eyes darting to the hallway. “In general, I mean.”

  “Why do you ask?”

  Je Suis nods slowly, but something feels… off.

  “No reason that should alarm you,” she brushes me off. I can’t help but wonder if there is a reason though. “I just try to pay attention when I can, that’s all I meant by it.”

  Rather than elaborating, which I would love for her to do right now, she only takes another sip of wine while I’m left wanting to pull on the thread she’s let loosen. She finishes the last sip of wine and places it out of the way, just in time for that mischievous smirk of hers to return.

  “Well, shall we start preparing for the next council meeting since we’re already down here and in a somewhat cooperative mood?”

  Moving my own glass to the side, I nod.

  “Let’s get this over with, I suppose.”

  As soon as we move into my study, she’s already opening ledgers and spreading out papers across the desk. For the next hour or two, we keep busy, working through small details until my attention is drawn to the soft footsteps just outside the room. When I look up, Arun is here, beautiful as ever with his hair slightly mussed from sleep.

  “Je Suis!” he says, hurrying over to embrace her.

  She rises, opening her arms fully to welcome him.

  “There you are, sweetheart. I was hoping I’d get to see you before I headed out.”

  Arun takes a seat in the empty chair right next to me, knee lightly touching mine as he looks over the papers across the desk.

  “Are you helping him prepare for the next meeting?”

  “You bet,” she says. “But it’s only to make sure he doesn’t get himself into trouble… again. By the way, if Alexios ever calls you something mean again, he’s in very big trouble with me.”

  Arun looks away, but I can still see a soft smile spread across his face.

  “Noted,” I reply to Je Suis dryly. “Besides, I didn’t find myself in trouble anyway. You must mean you’re here to make sure I handle things the way you would handle them.”

  She smirks, crossing her arms against her chest.

  “That is correct, dear Alexios.”

  Arun shakes his head before leaning into my shoulder.

  “You two bicker like an old married couple.”

  “I think I’ll leave the marriage part for you two,” Je Suis says with a small wink.

  Arun blushes deeply at her suggestion, probably wondering if I’ll tease him about it late, but I wouldn’t anyway. I’m too busy admiring how brightly his eyes shine when she visits. As we go over a few more notes, Je Suis and Arun weave the conversation smoothly between business and playful teasing here and there until her ledger finally closes for the day. She begins to stand, but I hold up my hand.

  “Stay for dinner, will you?” I insist. “Hells, stay the night actually. Dinner will be ready in a few hours and I’d rather you not arrive back In Wolfcrest at night.”

  Je Suis shrugs playfully.

  “If I must,” she says, smiling brightly. “But might I suggest dialing down whatever made the balcony so… lively earlier.”

  Both Arun and I chuckle under our breaths.

  --

  The candles, lit by the servants just moments ago, flow softly along the polished floors of the dining hall. We’ve opted to sit together on one side of the long table since there’s simply no need for any distance between the three of us tonight. The servants quietly lay out trays consisting of spiced lamb, garlic buttered vegetables and fresh bread, as well as a bottle of wine that makes Je Suis instantly sigh with approval.

  “You always know how to treat a guest, Alexios.”

  Arun and I smile as he tears a piece of bread and serves it on her plate without her even having to request it.

  When the last of the dishes have been cleared by the servants, Je Suis turns to Arun as she dabs her lips with a napkin.

  “Have you been working on anything new lately? How is Kayel doing?”

  He nods, grinning hard at her curiosity.

  “A few pieces,” Arun tells her happily. “And Kayel is doing very well. I think he’ll be joining us for breakfast again later this week.”

  “That’s amazing, sweetheart. I’d like to see some of these new pieces, if that’s alright with you?”

  Arun stands quietly, clearly pleased but still shy to no one’s surprise.

  “I’ll go fetch my sketchbook,” he tells us before making his way up the stairs. Je Suis wants until the sound of his footsteps fade before leaning closer to me.

  “If I didn’t know better, I’d swear you two married in secret. A ceremony in the gardens, I reckon?”

  The “accusation” catches me off guard, but she keeps smiling as if she’s been waiting all day to question me.

  “You’re looking at me like I’ve suggested something quite scandalous,” she teases.

  I let out a deep exhale, one elbow resting lightly on the polished table.

  “I’ve wanted to,” I admit. “Of course I’ve wanted to make attempts, but I… there are things I need to work on internally.”

  “Because of her…?” I swear I hear Je Suis murmur under her breath.

  “What did you just say?” I ask, suddenly glaring at her.

  She takes a smooth sip of wine, eyes brightening back up as usual as if she hadn’t said anything at all.

  “I said before. Before you ask him something like that.”

  “That’s not what you said, Je Suis,” I reply slowly.

  “What do you think you heard me say?” she challenges me.

  There is no chance that’s what she said, but… now I’m doubting myself. I watch her for a few more seconds, desperate to see if she will break and confess that I heard right, but finally I shake my head and let it go… for now. Perhaps I’m still not in the right headspace. Maybe I only heard what I wanted to hear. Besides, I’d assume if Je Suis truly knew more than she let on, the queen would have no problem dangling that in front of my face.

  “Arun deserves nothing but the best,” I explain, pulling the conversation back. “And I want to make sure I’m the best version of myself before I ask him to marry me, but it’s been almost five years and I’m still finding new ways to screw up.”

  Je Suis’s hand rests on my shoulder until Arun’s gentle footsteps break the silence between us. She straightens abruptly as if this conversation never happened.

  “Sorry about that,” Arun says, keeping his sketchbook tucked under one arm. “I couldn’t find one of them. Probably left it at the studio.”

  “That’s alright,” Je Suis tells him, gesturing for him to sit back down next to her. “I’m always thrilled to see your work regardless.”

  He’s already flipping open the cover of the sketchbook as he sits down next to her. She listens intently, even going so far as to ask about his shading and use of light. I take small sips of my wine, fully content to just quietly exist in this moment with them.

  “I like this one especially,” she says after flipping to the next drawing. It’s almost an intimate sketch of the balcony railing with a certain someone’s hand in the frame.

  Arun laughs softly and reaches over to turn the page.

  “Alexios was standing there while I was setting up for a different idea,” he politely explains to her. “One of my much quicker sketches, actually.”

  There’s a knowing glimmer in her eyes when she looks over at me. I can’t help but feel pride at how openly Arun is sharing with her. The thought of anyone ever taking advantage of how much he gives when he feels safe…

  I can’t bear to think about it.

  When Je Suis turns to another page, I can see just how much it means to him to have someone attempt to see the world through his eyes.

  “These are absolutely beautiful,” she tells him, closing the book gently and resting her hand over the cover. “It’s almost as if you’re putting little pieces of your soul into each sketch.”

  Arun’s eyes brighten, cheeks deepening with pride instead of his usual shyness he so often wears when his work is complimented.

  Why must you ignore me, Alexios?

  The queen’s voice slides into my thoughts without warning, feeling both sharp and like silk at the same time. I grip the stem of my glass tighter, desperately hoping neither Arun nor Je Suis can sense my displeasure.

  Not now, I tell her firmly. We’ll speak when I am ready.

  After all I’ve done for you?

  Tsk tsk.

  My attention refocuses on Arun and Je Suis, who have thankfully not noticed that quick flicker of an attempted distraction. Arun laughs brightly at something she said and with the wine nearly gone and the candles burning low, the dining hall is left in a warm, amber haze.

  “Show me more next time, alright?” Je Suis expresses to him as she rises from her chair, while I do the same.

  “Let me walk you to your room,” I request, gesturing for her to follow. “The servants will be turning in for the night soon.”

  “I’m more capable of finding my own way,” Je Suis reminds me.

  “I know you are, but I’m also capable of being a good host to you.”

  Arun waits near the bottom of the stairs with his sketchbook tucked under his arm.

  “Goodnight, Je Suis!” he says, waving to her as she follows me down the hall.

  “Goodnight, dear,” she answers before turning to face me. “Don’t keep him up too late, understand?”

  I roll my eyes jokingly and once the guest room door is closed behind me, I make my way back down the hallway. The door to our bedroom has been left ajar and when I step in, Arun’s bundled up under the blankets with the sketchbook resting back in its usual spot on the bedside table. His precious, sleepy smile pulls me to him in an instant.

  My lips trail from his temple to his cheekbones, then down to the corner of his mouth before dropping just below his ear.

  “Alexios…”

  His inviting whisper sends a vibration through me. My lips brush against his, kissing him deeply as my hand drifts around the back of his neck to pull him into me. I’m tempted to forget everything else, but I pull away just enough to leave another small kiss on his cheek.

  “I need to finish some work tonight, alright?” I mutter. “But I want to make love to you first thing in the morning.”

  There’s a gentle smile on his face, but I can tell it’s there to hide a subtle bit of disappointment.

  “Promise?”

  “I promise,” I confirm while letting my fingers trail from his face to his hand.

  Once Arun is asleep, head resting peacefully against the pillows, I make my way down to my study. With the main servants done with their work for the day, the manor falls into silence once more.

  “You want to talk,” I mutter to the queen the second I take a seat on the couch. “Then let’s talk, hmm?”

  You have been quiet with me, Alexios. Too quiet. It is time for another…

  “I’d like your permission to confess everything to Arun,” I interrupt, words practically tumbling out of my mouth before I can get cold feet.

  …

  Excuse me?

  “If I’m going to ask for his hand in marriage, I can’t do that if you’re kept as a secret to him. He has a right to know, if he’s to be my husband someday and I’d like to propose to him soon.”

  You will not reveal me to him, do you understand?

  I drag a hand through my hair while my leg bounces tensely.

  “Perhaps… perhaps he’ll understand?” I try to explain, head kept down in almost a bow. “He said he’d love me no matter what. You’re a part of my life, but… so is he. It isn’t right of me to keep this a secret anymore.”

  Do not do this, Alexios. It is not safe.

  The warning makes my hands curl into fists. She must understand that I’m not trying to defy her.

  “I understand,” I tell her truthfully. “Believe me, I do. I’m more than aware of what you’ve given me and what you can easily take away.”

  I pause, ever so briefly.

  “I am not asking to be free of you… I am asking only to be honest to him.”

  She retreats, but not fully. I can still feel the linger of her venom somewhere in my thoughts. I swallow sharply, taking a deep breath in before slowly letting it leave my lungs.

  The hours slip by in my study as I force myself to plan the conversation with him, only for me to realize over and over that whatever I plan to say could sound like betrayal to him. But beginning a marriage with a lie planted right in the middle doesn’t sit right in my chest anymore.

  Suddenly, I’m left thinking about nothing but Arun. The bedroom door is still partially open when I make it back to the bedroom, just as I left it. Arun’s shifted onto his side, blankets pulled even higher to keep him warm. I slip quietly into bed as to not disturb him, rolling onto my side as well to face him.

  Gods, the way his lashes flutter against his cheeks and the steady rhythm of his breathing. My fingers shadow over his skin while I lie there admiring every inch of his body, his mind and just… him. In the stillness of the night, I swear to myself that I’ll get the courage to explain everything I’ve kept from him… and soon.

  He deserves much more than the lies I’ve fed him for the past five years.

  --

  The soft morning sun creeps over Arun’s skin, almost pulling him from his sleep as he turns towards me. I lean down and brush my lips against his neck. When I glance up at him from this angle, he’s blinking with those precious sleep-heavy eyes I can’t get enough of.

  “Good morning, my love,” I whisper.

  He gives me a drowsy smile.

  “Morning.”

  I kiss him again… and again, letting my hand run down his chest.

  “Remember what I told you?” I hum.

  It takes a few seconds for him to recall, still half-asleep, but then he blushes and nods. I slip my hand beneath the sheets and find him already half-hard from sleep. His drowsy whimpers sound like the sweetest music I’ve ever had the opportunity of hearing. The sun may be climbing higher in the sky, but in our bedroom, it’s just us… fully tangled up in our love.