Alexios

  I… I can’t remember the last time I tranced. Every time I close my eyes, I can only see Kayel lying dead on the ground with his chest in ruins, light gone from his eyes…

  Because of me.

  Moving from one nameless inn to another, I’ve done my best to keep to the shadows and never stay longer than a night or two. The innkeepers stare at me as if they know what I’ve done as soon as I put down too much coin on the desk for a room with absolutely no windows. Is the guilt etched into my skin now?

  The paranoia clings even more as every cough and footstep I hear makes my heart race, imagining guards tearing the door down to get to me. Arun’s kindness would break me in two if I faced him right now. I’m already falling apart as it is. Whatever wreckage that’s left of me… he doesn’t deserve to deal with it.

  Even in shitty, miniscule towns far from the plantation, I swear I can hear the queen mocking and praising me for what I’ve done. She begs me to accept her again, to embrace her like I used to and to stop fucking running, but I can’t.

  Come to me.

  The faces in the tavern blur together the longer I drink, desperately hoping to drown her whispers out. All it does is leave me sicker. Every stranger is a threat now. How long can I stay gone before Arun gives up on me? On ever seeing me again?

  The stretches of shadow in my room are watching me. I know they are. I swear I see Arun in them too, leaning against the wall with disappointment etched on his face. Other times, the shadows look like Kayel, sobbing silently and saying words I can’t hear or make out. It’s not real, it’s not real, it’s not real!

  When I lie on the floor, because I can’t bear being on a mattress, I can still hear her. She whispers my name when I drunkenly stumble down alleyways at night, telling me I did well for her. But sometimes… gods…

  Sometimes I hear Arun’s voice instead, begging me to come home and hold him. Begging me to make love to him out in the gardens like we used to. If I give in to that voice, as I so desperately want to, he’ll know. He’ll ask and I’ll immediately fall apart at his feet, begging for mercy.

  Arun will never look at me the same way again. How could he?

  My clothes reek of sweat when I move to the next inn. The innkeepers look at me with disgust, clearly realizing I have yet to bathe. My hair is tangled and I don’t even recognize myself anymore. The inn fucking reeks of stale beer and piss anyway. I stumble out for air, leaning against a tree just outside. Even with an empty street in front of me, I feel eyes peering Just as I suspected, waiting like predators at the edge of an alley across the way, eyes that are too sharp watch me. I fumble with the dagger kept at my side, keeping my eyes on the three figures observing, their skin too pale to simply be mortal. Then, in a blink, they’re gone. With the alley empty again and the rooftops bare, the only sounds being carried in the night are the creaking of a shutter and the flapping of a sign in the distance.

  Come to me. Come to me now.

  She’s watching me. Well, some of her fledglings are at least.

  I stagger back inside and stumble up the stairs, slamming the door closed and pressing my back against it as if I’m nothing more than a damn coward. I pace back and forth until I’m certain the sun is beginning to rise. Paranoia finds me again, just as it always does when I refuse to trance during the night.

  My stomach turns violently as a sudden wave of dizziness presses into me. I stagger back against the wall and clutch at my ribs, my hips, my shoulders. Anything I can clutch at to see if it holds me together. Sour sweat breaks through my skin, tumbling down my forehead as what feels like both fire and ice begin to flow through my veins. I collapse onto my knees, gasping for air as the floor pulls me down to it.

  “No… please,” I choke out as a hot metallic taste fills my mouth, drowning my pleas out.

  My forehead hits the floorboard with a crack, vision spinning in and out of dazed control as Arun’s beautiful face leads me into unconsciousness.

  Alexios.

  No longer on the floor of an inn room that smells of unwashed skin, I find myself standing barefoot on sandstone. On the vast pillars towering over me, torches flicker in their sconces and at the far end of the temple sits her husband…. Or rather what remains of him.

  This is the first time I’ve truly seen him and not just as a phantom in the background of her presence.

  With his jeweled robes soaked in red, his own head rests in his lap, severed cleanly from where it should sit on his shoulders. A sharp laugh pulls me from the sight and when I turn, the queen is reclining on a throne of obsidian, taut body draped in jewels. The armor woven into her skirt rattles when she stands.

  “Alexios,” she laughs, rising from her throne with a slow, terrifying grace. “My strong Alexios brought to his knees. I always did like seeing you there.”

  My mouth opens to speak, but my ribs still burn even in this land of hers. Her hand rises, commanding my knees to hit the ground instantly. Each step she takes around me makes the flames from the torches burn higher.

  “Does it not thrill you to know you belong to me?” she whispers as one of her sharp fingernails trails past my jaw and down my neck. “You feel broken, do you not? You are anything but.”

  I slump forward, palms scraping against stone as I bow.

  “Please…” I cry out through pain. “I can’t… I can’t do this. I can’t face him after what I’ve done.”

  She kneels before me, forcing my face up to look into her gleaming eyes.

  “Why drag yourself back to that boy?” she asks almost gently, as if this is her offering me mercy. “You are not meant for such a gentle thing like him. You are meant for excellence. For violence. For ruling over this pathetic world.”

  “I don’t… I don’t…” my words are lost to the choked sob pouring out of me.

  The queen’s hand grips my throat, further silencing me.

  “Do you not understand why I have kept you close? I have indulged your grief and your little rebellions.”

  She rises, keeping her hand wrapped tightly around my neck as she pulls me with her.

  “I do not want you as a weak servant,” she continues. “No, my sweet Alexios. I want a husband. I want you.”

  My hands slide through her fingers, eyes wide as I try to get in a fraction of air. It feels like the walls themselves are mocking me now.

  “You… killed… your… husband!” I gasp out, frantically trying to pull myself out of her iron-like grip.

  “I grew tired of him centuries ago,” she cruelly admits, smile widening. “He had his uses… until now.”

  “How long until you grow tired of me?” I ask, shaking my head against her fingers. “How long until you behead me and find another plaything?”

  Finally, the queen removes her hand from my throat, golden bracelets chiming as she steps over to his body.

  “Do not fear, my love. You will serve longer than he did. Unlike him, you follow my commands.”

  Though every part of me shakes in fury and fear, chest heaving, I turn to her with my fists curled at my sides.

  “I… am Arun’s husband,” I tell her. “Not yours. Never yours.”

  Her smile collapses into a snarl as her body stiffens.

  “How dare you!” she hisses, the walls of the temple shifting around us as if they want to crush me into the floor. “How dare you choose a boy… a mortal boy over eternal power at my side?!”

  Her hand clamps around my wrist and before I can fight back, the temple dissolves into the edge of what feels like an endless river. I stumble, but her grip holds me upright before I can fall into the black waters that sparkle under the moonlight.

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  “You have belonged to me long before you ever whispered yes,” she mutters.

  “What…” I breathe out, swallowing down what feels like bits of glass in my throat. “I don’t belong to you!”

  She leans down, tongue darting out to trace the curve of my earlobe.

  “Do you remember, Alexios? When your pretty bard finally stopped singing?”

  Her nails dig into my skin, holding me as I writhe in heartache.

  “I could not prevent it,” she mockingly whines, just as she did more than 150 years ago. “Through his blood and your grief, I made you mine. You are bound to me through loss and pain.”

  I try to scream, but the endless river swallows it whole. Her hand flies back to my throat before shoving me into the sand, knocking the breath out of me. She straddles my hips but I try to twist free, getting caught in her black hair falling around me.

  “Please! stop this!” I plead, nails scraping uselessly at her hands.

  Thrashing beneath her, agony explodes through my body as her fangs surge into my throat. With her body pressed against mine, she drinks deeply and every pull makes me feel even weaker. I try to claw at her shoulders and pull her hair even as I feel the rest of my strength begin to slip.

  “Don’t…” I murmur while my vision swims, but she keeps drinking until both of us feel my pulse stutter. “I’ll… I’ll do… do anything… just… stop…”

  She lifts her head, deep red dripping down her lips and onto her chest, smiling as if it’s the most exquisite wine she’s ever tasted. I can barely get a breath in before her fingers grip the back of my head and force my face to meet her eyes.

  “I could do more than just stop, Alexios,” she purrs. “I could take the pain from you. Nykolai… Kayel… everyone who plagues that pathetic heart of yours. I can take it all away and give you peace. The pain that swells in you every time you close your eyes?”

  Her grip in my hair tightens when I try to nod my head.

  “Gone as if it never happened,” she adds. “Kill him. Kill your pretty devil. The one you cradle so sweetly at night. Kill Arun and I will wipe away the scars inside of you, never to feel broken again.”

  Horror colder than the river water itself seizes my body, but it only makes her smile widen.

  “No!” I growl. “Oh gods, how could you ask me to do that?! I will never hurt him, do you understand?! Bleed me dry if you want, but I will never hurt him!”

  She hurls me backward again, scowling as my spine cracks against a stone in the river.

  “I would rather die screaming than take his life!” I cry out as water splashes into my mouth.

  “You could give him a gentle death, Alexios,” she tells me. “A kiss, even a whisper into nothingness. You could make it merciful like your pathetic mentor taught you!”

  I claw desperately at her while she pins me down in the silt, every one of my muscles burning and trembling in pain.

  “I said no!” I sob. “I can’t! I would set this fucking world on fire before I ever laid a hand on him. He deserves to live! He deserves…”

  She slams me down even harder into the mud before her nails rip across my cheek.

  “Then I will do it,” she hisses at me. “I will strip the skin from his bones and make you and that traitor Marquis watch! You will hear every sob and every scream until the two of you are begging for me to end it.”

  “No! Oh gods, no!” I choke on my ragged sobs, writhing against her again as she presses me down harder. “Don’t touch him! Take me… take me instead Take everything from me! Please don’t touch him!”

  “I will end him… and you will come crawling back to me.”

  With a jolt, I’m pulled back into consciousness, shaking violently as sweat pours down my face. Then, like thunder at the beginning of a violent storm, a quake rolls through me.

  Gods, it can’t be.

  No longer bound to dazed visions or dreams… she’s waking up.

  I reach for the nearest chair, knocking it down as I stagger to my feet. Only then do I see my reflection in the mirror. Wild, bloodshot eyes and trembling, cracked lips, I claw at the vivid and raw marks on my neck. Her bite marks are real.

  A knot pulls at my stomach at the realization, doubling over as I shake in terror. She’s coming…

  And Arun is completely unprotected.

  “Oh gods, I have to get to him,” I whisper over and over. “I have to… I have to… I have to…”

  Even in her weakened state, I can feel her presence moving closer. Every second I waste is another second that she could be getting closer to Arun and when she finds him… she will take him. I cannot let her touch him.

  --

  I don’t slow down, even with the horse’s heavy heaving under me. Every gust of wind feels as if the queen is whispering in my ear, but my thoughts are only on Arun.

  Just Arun.

  The horse’s hooves sound like war drums on the dirt road as I get closer to Blackwood Manor, but with the sun rising slowly in the distance, the hours start bleeding together. I push the horse even harder, its flanks soaked in sweat.

  I nearly fall out of the saddle as soon as I ride through Blackwood’s gates. Collapsed on the front steps with his face buried in his hands and shoulders shaking with broken sobs… is Arun. Je Suis sits beside him with one arm braced around his body. I pull the horse to a halt, but my legs won’t obey me anymore.

  “Arun…” I say, voice trembling as I stumble forward to him. Gods, the sight of my Arun weeping like this. I want to collapse at his feet but also throw myself into his arms.

  “You… asshole!” he yells. “You disappear for weeks with no word but a letter that wasn’t even written by you, was it?!”

  “Arun, I…” the words crumble in my throat when I see how he’s looking at me now. Am I still the man he loves?

  He stands abruptly and stomps down the stairs, looking up at me as if I’m nothing more than a stranger.

  “Why are there bodies in the bog, Alexios? Why are there dead servants in there?”

  Poor Alexios.

  “No, I… I…”

  “And Kayel,” he continues, wiping at his tears. “He’s dead. Murdered in the streets like some savage! You vanish and suddenly Kayel is found dead?! Tell me it wasn’t you, Alexios. Tell me… now!”

  My heart pounds like it’s trying to rip itself out of my chest. I can’t tell him the truth, but I can’t force a lie out either. I want to fall to my knees and scream that it wasn’t supposed to be Kayel. I want to tell him I would rather burn a thousand times over than bring such heavy grief into Arun’s life.

  But all I can do is stare at him like a coward.

  “Arun, we have to go,” I tell him, reaching out to pull him closer to me. “We need to leave right this second, do you understand?”

  “No!” he screams, taking a step away from me. “We aren’t going anywhere until you tell me the truth. What in the hells did you do?!”

  “My love, please. I’ll explain… just not now, alright?”

  He shakes his head, choking on his sobs as Je Suis frantically steps down the stairs towards us. I lunge forward and grab his hand.

  “Please! We don’t have time for this!” I rasp in panic. “We have to leave right now!”

  “Alexios!” he cries out. “Tell me what happened!”

  “I promise I’ll explain later,” I plead while yanking at his hand gently and dragging him to the front door. “Just trust me, my love. Grab your things. Clothes, food, a book, whatever you need to bring with you. We just can’t stay here, do you understand me?”

  I tighten my grip and drag him into the manor, eyes darting towards the windows and watching for any unnatural shadows, but he jerks his hand out of mine.

  “Stop it!” Arun’s scream echoes through the house, chest heaving as he looks up at me with swollen, tear-filled eyes. “Stop treating me like I’m an idiot who doesn’t deserve the truth. Did you kill Kayel, Alexios?! Tell me!”

  “Arun!” Je Suis cuts in through his yelling. “Please, listen to Alexios right now. Okay, sweetheart?”

  “You’re defending him?!” he says, turning on her instantly as he points at me, finger shaking with anger. “Why should I listen to him, Je Suis? He killed Kayel and those servants! I know he did!”

  Cautiously, she steps towards him slowly as if he’s nothing more than a stray animal.

  “What he’s telling you to do is important, Arun. You must listen to him right now.”

  Arun’s chest heaves, confusion mixing with his grief as he stares at her like she’s speaking Elvish.

  “Why would you want me to listen to him after this…?” he whispers before collapsing to his knees, sobbing as his hands grip the rug tightly. I kneel down, but he flinches away.

  “Arun, I… I didn’t mean…”

  “What did you do, Alexios?!” he cries out, dragging the back of his sleeve across his tear-streaked face.

  “You need to pack a bag,” Je Suis says, kneeling down and resting a hand on his back. “You can demand every answer later, but if you stay here, there may not be a later. Please… listen to him.”

  Arun glances between the two of us, eyes full of pain and confusion. I expect him to keep resisting, to keep fighting us as time runs out, but finally, he storms upstairs without another word. Je Suis’s eyes fill with tears as she watches me.

  “Oh, Alexios…” she sighs, shaking her head in disappointment as we hear drawers slamming shut in the bedroom.

  Arun won’t even look at me when he comes back downstairs, gripping his bag so tightly that I’m convinced the strap will rip. I follow without a single word as he steps into the kitchen, gathering whatever food might carry us for a few days until we can restock.

  Rushing out into the early morning sun, panic has me choking on every breath. Je Suis, no longer the composed woman I’m so used to seeing, looks pale. She mounts her horse as I lift Arun onto mine, both of us adjusting the reins with shaky hands. Every inch of Arun recoils from my touch, but I swing up behind him anyway and wrap my arms around him tightly.

  Against my better judgment, I turn to watch the tall grass swaying just beyond the manor and fields, knowing that underneath the wildflowers and dirt lies Nykky’s ashes. I chose that exact spot for him so that he could rest somewhere quiet and beautiful. So he could sit under the sun forever. But now…

  Now I am abandoning him.

  I want nothing more than to dismount this damn horse. To run through the fields and drop to my knees so I can dig through the dirt until my nails tear off just so I can take him with us. Gods, I can’t leave him here. Not when I know what’s coming after us. Not when I know what will likely happen to Blackwood Plantation.

  “Forgive me,” I whisper, bowing my head in that direction. “I will come back for you. I swear it.”

  Je Suis's horse lets out a sharp whine as she wheels it around, hooves kicking up dirt in the opposite direction.

  “She’s coming, isn’t she?” she shouts as she starts making her way off the property again. “He’s going to abandon her, Alexios. He’s abandoning the Mother for you."

  I stare at her with my mouth agape, blood running cold as I realize the woman before me is a total stranger. The woman who has sat at my own table and slept under my roof. More than ten years of having her at my side and I never really knew her at all.

  I want to accuse her of betraying me. I want to beg her, to plead for her, to tell me what she’s seen.

  “W-who…?” the words stumble out of me.

  “Marquis!” she yells again. “He figured out what she did to Nykky! We tracked him all the way to Mira Port."

  We?

  Who are you really, Je Suis?

  Then, I think back to the dream. That traitor Marquis, the queen said while she held me down. I had assumed she meant that he was a traitor to me, not to her.

  Marquis will betray her… for me?

  "Go to him," Je Suis adds frantically. "He could be our only chance at surviving this!"

  Too stunned to speak, I nod slowly and she jerks her reins, horse trotting forward into the morning light. I tighten my grip around Arun’s waist while he weeps and whisper to the horse beneath us. In a desperate gallop, the road almost seems to stretch endlessly in front of us.