Bittersweet Memories

  Untouched and unbelievably bright. Exactly as he remembered it. Far too large for him to live in. Just as big, if not bigger, than the small cabin he barely remembered growing up in. An enormous bed on the far wall to the right, centered between two windows, where Em had said it should be despite Theo preferring the corner. On the side of the room facing the road, with three pristine, half-length windows he often looked out of in the mornings, always wondering if it was all just a dream, was a long set of drawers. A handful of trinkets that weren’t important enough to bring to the Academy decorated the top of it, as he feared that the sun would damage his beloved books: a few coins, miscellaneous pieces of paper, and candy wrappers.

  The unblemished drawers were almost all empty, especially now that most of his belongings were at school, but he still rummaged through them. Returning for the last time, his mind did not change, and he left the contents untouched as he moved on to the other side of the room that his bed faced.

  “That’s a lot of books.”

  “Mhm.”

  Theo stood in front of this wall of books—save for the door to his washroom at the very end, by the windows—and admired them. Language books, math books, history books, theoretical books, books on every subject offered at the Academy…all that he had learned to prepare for the entrance exams—they were all there.

  “If you see anything you like, you can take it. There should be some history books, but they’re probably not Ancient…”

  His words tapered off as his eyes fell upon a small section of storybooks. When he had some rare free time to himself, he sometimes indulged in them, but he mostly found little value in reading them and even less reason to take them to the Academy—for any escape from the present risked the shattering of his carefully crafted dream.

  “It’s alright. They’re yours.”

  “They’re Em’s.”

  Saving his desk for last, he walked over to the far end of the room and pulled the chair back, an old wooden one cushioned with soft, blue fabric. In the center of his workspace was a single piece of paper he remembered clearly, still blank and full of intent that had not been acted on, with the pen to its side uncapped and left to dry.

  Gently, he reached out and put his palm on the piece of paper. Searching in his heart for the courage he once had.

  You. It was you who saved me. You were my hope. You used to be the only one I loved, the only person I thought I ever needed. Being in this house with you, waking up every day to hear your words, inscribing them into my heart like your smile, as if I would forget them one day…it was a dream I never thought would have ended.

  The truth is, I understood nothing when I met you. It still feels like I understand barely anything. All these books, all I had poured my life into because I seeking a reason to exist, a reason to be useful to you, a reason to take revenge against the world who had thrown me aside only to end up in your arms—it was all so infinitesimal once I realized that this world was more than what was in our books and lessons. The magic to which you had dedicated your life, the magic into which I had put all my self-worth because I wanted you to love me. Despite the sleepless nights, the blood, the tears, the suffering.

  Why do people suffer? Why do we continue to live despite all the constant tragedies in our lives when it would be easier to surrender, give up? Why do we fall down, get up, only to fall again? Are those finite, minuscule moments of hope worth it? Those fleeting moments that make us feel alive, the ones that remind us why it’s important to continue to suffer and to continue living?

  And what if…those moments never come? Do we wait? How long do we suffer? Until we decide that it’s enough? You found me, but there are many less fortunate out there, people who have suffered for far longer than I have. People who have endured far worse than I have. People who don’t have the luxury of being saved, who can’t fight back. People who…people who suffer because of us. Because of magic.

  Yet still…I want you to love me.

  I love you. I wanted you to say those three words to me. I didn’t want you to throw me away like my parents did. I didn’t want you to wake up one day and regret having picked me up off the streets. I didn’t want to be alone. I don’t want to be alone.

  But the world is waiting for me. It is changing, and like it…I want to change as well. I don’t know who I want to be anymore, and I don’t know where I’m going anymore, but I don’t want to hate the world. I want to do something useful with what I have. I want to give people the hope you gave me, all those years ago. I want to put an end to the suffering without having to sacrifice anyone else. Even if I just save one person, if I can do just that…if I could give someone the same love that you offered me, that one summer’s day…maybe I can feel like my life will have meant something.

  He drew his trembling fingers together, crumpling the tear-stained sheet of paper until it became a ball in his fist.

  Thank you, Em. I loved you so much. I’m so sorry.

  He discarded the blank sheet in the trash bin under his desk and placed the cap back onto the dead pen despite it no longer being useful, leaving it at the center where the paper used to be.

  Letting out a shaky breath, he wiped his face with his sleeve before opening the drawer to the side. Staring at the last bundle of gold pieces he hadn’t brought with him to the Academy, he whispered, “You need any more money?”

  Taken from Royal Road, this narrative should be reported if found on Amazon.

  “No. I still owe you a gold.”

  “No, you don’t.”

  Faris didn’t fight back as Theo pocketed the money and stole a quick glance at him. There was no feeling in his detached expression as usual, nothing that would suggest that he knew what was going on. And perhaps it was easier that way.

  “You really don’t want any books? We’re not coming back.”

  “It’s okay.”

  With a small nod, Theo stepped back and pushed the chair back in before making his way back to the door. “Okay, then. Onto the next.”

  The second room they stopped by was the visitors’ room on the main floor, to the right of the entrance. Filled with plush couches, a long tea table, and a display full of cups and plates that were never used, it was a room that they both remembered, one that Theo sat in on the rare occasion Em wanted him to be there while guests were over. And that one morning, when he had been called down…the face of the father, the face of his son, the denial, the shame.

  How did he react when they had met again years later? When Faris was the class caster, and he was the physician? Pretending as if they were meeting for the first time even though they both never forgot what had transpired in the room years ago, the words of the Faluntide patriarch after Em had denied his son an apprenticeship:

  I didn’t expect much from him, anyway.

  And then, behind closed doors, a secret between the two children: I’ll do it by myself, and without help from anyone else.

  For Faris, it must have been the beginning of the word that the Earth Mother loved so much, the one that Ty pursued with her life.

  Revenge.

  “You were so small back then,” said Theo to the empty room.

  “So were you. I was even taller than you.”

  “I think…Em told me we were the same age.”

  Faris paused, and Theo turned to him. Watching him staring into the empty room, just like he had, he wondered if he was imagining his father sitting there with the teacup in his hand, and the two of them—young, yet not entirely innocent. “I didn’t know that. I always thought you looked older, even though I was taller.”

  Theo felt himself smile faintly. “When’s your birthday?”

  The caster eyed him from the corner of his left eye. “Third day of the Twelfth Grace.”

  “I am older than you,” chuckled Theo. “Twenty-eighth of the Fourth.”

  As he turned around to head to the next room, which was the kitchen on the other side of the house, he barely caught Faris’s reply.

  “That’s…that’s north, isn’t it?”

  It took a second for him to realize what he was talking about, but when it sunk in, for the first time in his life, Theo wondered if there was a larger meaning to the birth date assigned to him by the Earth Mother. “Yeah…the Fourth Grace is Ethy, isn’t it?”

  “Maybe…maybe after—”

  “Oh!” exclaimed Nie, her head peeking out of the kitchen down the hall. “Right on time! Lunch is ready—do you want to eat here or in the dining room?” Her head disappeared into the kitchen as she amended her statement, “Or how about outside? Outside is nice today.”

  Theo shrugged indifferently as he turned to Faris, the thought of eating anywhere unappealing unless it was back at the lodgings or at the Academy dorms. “What do you prefer?”

  Swallowing the unspoken words, Faris nodded. “Outside is fine.”

  “Outside it is!” exclaimed the maid, in her hands two wooden trays as she beamed at the two boys walking into the kitchen right as she was about to head out the other end of the room. “Come, you can eat under the tree—the fruit just became nice and ripe, so you can pick some after.”

  As the boys followed Nie out into the back garden, where a large fig tree stood at the very center, Theo admired how unchanged it all was—the stone wall surrounding the backyard was just high enough to obscure them from prying eyes, the tree was still grandiose and beautiful, and a small table and two chairs were snug underneath it. The entrance to the backyard was full of colorful flowers that Nie often enjoyed caring for, offering a pop of color to the muted estate.

  “That…is a giant tree,” noted Faris dryly. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen one get that big.”

  Theo laughed lightly and half-joked, “Maybe it’s magic.”

  “Heh.”

  Under the fig tree, they ate lunch together: a delightful, flowery tea, a minced meat and vegetable pie topped with mashed potatoes, a small bowl of salad, and finally a white pudding served in a tiny dessert glass. In the peaceful afternoon, where the warm wind blew gently, where they were protected by the gorgeous canopy of the fruiting fig tree, they ate quietly, intermittently chatting about small things like they had back at the Academy. About childhood memories, about their classmates, about the city. Not a cold word was spoken, not a bitter sentiment was felt in the warmth. It was a familiar, comforting feeling.

  When they finished, already having spent far longer than they had expected enjoying their meals, Theo stood up to pick two figs off the tree and handed one to his classmate. And together they partook of the sweet fruit from the ancient tree before the moment was dispelled, and they returned to the bittersweet memories of home.

  They visited the beautiful observatory with its stained-glass windows, where the secret words had been shared. They checked the first-floor study room that overlooked the backyard, where Theo often studied. They checked the rarely used dining room, a plethora of other guest rooms, rooms that meant nothing to him, deliberately dodging Em’s study room near the back, until they finally arrived at the lower-level library.

  He hadn’t wanted to return, but he knew he had to. The study desk that he shared one end of in the middle of the central area…he could still see the bloodstains that hadn’t been cleanly wiped off the wood before it could discolor. He could see Em’s collection of forbidden tomes he once dared to touch and had been punished severely for it; the unlit fireplace used for book burnings was unlit and looked like it hadn’t been used in a long time, but he could still remember how hot it burned when he incorrectly cast a spell he had been ill-prepared for.

  So many memories were in that dark library. So many memories he wanted to burn. If only he could have reduced it all to smoldering ashes, erased the bad memories, kept the hope and only the hope, cleansed the world of the disease the Earth Mother had blessed them all with.

  A single spell, like that one night. Holding her hand with his other on soft white. As if it were that easy.

  After unknowingly spending longer than he had predicted at the house, Theo finally found himself outside again. Looking into the pristine world contained within glittering gates that hid no untruths. A dream was all it was. Everything he was saying goodbye to, everything that wasn’t his, everything he hadn’t deserved. And onward, to a new future. A blank page, deformed by tears. Searching for something he could call his own.

  “Sorry for bringing you along,” he said with a wan smile to the one who had accompanied him throughout it all without a single complaint or objection.

  “You don’t need to apologize,” was the caster’s brief reply.

  “Really no complaints? About anything?”

  “No.”

  “What did you think?”

  Faris directed his aloof look at Theo. “You want the truth or something nice?”

  He smiled. “Whatever you like.”

  The home-less noble turned his head away and started walking. The other home-less child followed.

  “It reminded me of home. Cold. Full of bad memories we try to convince ourselves were anything but.”

  “They weren’t all bad,” replied Theo softly.

  “And that’s why we’re still here, right?”

  Letting the meaningful words hang in the air untainted, they started making their way back until Faris abruptly stopped. He turned to Theo.

  “Can…can we make a stop somewhere?”