Alien shampoo and conditioner work great. I was back to a spotless white color, and no longer felt the slightest bit grimy. My clothes held up well too.

  After I was dry, I started exploring the bathroom. Besides two large tubs across from each other, separated from the central walkway by curtains, there were four shower stalls, also with curtains. I didn’t see anything like a toilet, so maybe I was in a shower room rather than a typical bathroom.

  From my vantage point on the floor, I could also see two porcelain cubes sticking out from the wall, hovering above me. Maybe they were sinks? They didn’t have anything separating them from the walkway. Hopefully not weird toilets.

  The gray metal walls and white tile gave the room a sterile look, and everything seemed to be controlled through strange holographic button interfaces on the walls. The problem? I couldn’t really reach the buttons, and I had no idea what they did. Phony hit the lowest one and the water in the tub started draining out. She still had a sheepish grin on her face.

  Well, having finished exploring the shower room, as well as remembering where everything is (more or less), I’m done sitting around. Off for more exploration! Or so I would say if I could open the door.

  The doors on this ship were sleek sliding doors with no visible handles. I walked up and tapped my hand on it. It made a nice sound, which caused Phony to look over and shake her head, her long red hair swaying. Oh alright, so you want to play that game.

  I stared at the door a bit longer, trying to figure out how to open it. Pushing didn’t work, there was nothing to pull, and trying to slide it open got me nothing but awkwardly sliding my hands across metal. Sure, I was quite strong if I do say so myself, but moving what is basically a 45 foot tall, one foot thick block of metal wasn’t easy.

  Maybe it was a keycard door? Or maybe it only opened for a specific race, if that technology was possible? Was there some type of handle or latch I couldn’t see? I needed to experiment.

  To start my experimentation, I punched the door, extra hard. Along with a loud bang, it dented a little bit. Phony started scolding me, looking startled.

  “Mikatil, ?” she repeated loudly while pointing at me with two of her hands. Her face was now frowning. She was definitely very …expressive.

  Interrupting her probable scolding was the first order of business if I was to run more experiments. Luck was on my side, because she was interrupted by the ringing of something in her shirt. Unlike the other aliens I had seen, she was wearing a loose fitting, four armed hoodie-esque top, and she quickly slid a tablet half the size of me out of her pocket. Wait, is that an alien phone?

  She started talking with someone through the rectangle. I took a quick minute to inspect it, confirming it looked similar to the tablet Glasses carried around seemingly everywhere, and returned to my experiments.

  So I had determined punching through the door was possible, but slow and difficult. I could do it in a pinch, but it would be loud and awkward and noticeable.

  That left a few other options. I could melt the door, cut a hole in it, or search for the opening mechanism more thoroughly. Maybe if I shoved Phony or another alien against the door, it would open. Maybe it operated through magic and I could hijack or break the circuit. The possibilities were endless.

  I decided to try shoving Phony into the door first, to see if they opened completely automatically. Phony was still talking on the phone (probably), and had said my name a couple times to whoever was listening.

  Okay, time to start the plan! I strode towards her with newfound purpose. I’d never tried to push an alien around before. I won’t pretend I wasn’t a little excited.

  First order of business: pulling. I grabbed onto the laces of one of Phony’s black boots and started tugging towards the door. Phony stopped talking on the phone, and looked down at me. Her previously stoic expression quickly melted into a beaming smile. What did that mean?

  Try as I might, I couldn’t budge her foot. My feet just started sliding on the tile floor. I guess I needed shoes. Giving up for the moment, I walked behind her foot, took a proper stance, and shoved, this time adding a decent chunk of mana to the mix, burning mana to keep myself fixed in place and increasing my strength.

  Phony’s foot slid forward, and she took a step to balance, saying “???” as she moved. The voice coming from the phone responded to her exclamation, and she explained “? ??? Mikatil ??? ?”

  Wow, I wish I understood the language better. Oh well, I’ll just take it as a compliment about how powerful and handsome I am.

  Having succeeded pushing one foot, I quickly moved over to the other, shoving it forward too. Phony stumbled again, said “Mikatil ?” a couple times, and rebalanced. Once she was safely standing on two feet, I pushed another towards the door.

  After repeating this process maybe five times, she finally got the message and walked over to the door. She placed her palm on the middle of the door and it slid open. I memorized where she placed her hand so I could try it later. She ushered me out and started waving me back towards where my room was, but I had other plans.

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  “Mikatil, ?? ??? ?. ??? ?? ??? ?”

  Wow, that was a lot of words. I smiled, turned, and ran the other direction. Why would I go back to that boring room?

  “Mikatil ?” was shouted after me, but I ignored Phony and continued my exploration. Down the curving hallway were a few more closed doors, and then a large opening in the front. I peeked through to see what looked like the bridge of the spaceship, complete with four-handed pilot controls and a pilot with bright purple hair focusing on the holographic route display.

  The ship was currently dodging asteroids, apparently. The pilot flew so smoothly I couldn’t tell at all. Okay, I’ll call that grape-headed alien Pilot. What? First impressions matter.

  The rest of the room was less exciting. Lots of monitors and buttons and pretty lights, but I’m not stupid enough to go hitting random buttons while the ship is actively avoiding asteroids. I don’t want a collision or anything. At least not right now.

  In the center of the room was a large flat table surrounded by chairs, clearly for some meeting purpose. I couldn’t see what was on it, but I can check later. Phony was chasing me.

  I kept running down the hallway as it curved away from the bridge, speeding up faster and faster, but I froze when I encountered another opening in the hallway. I sniffed. I smelled food!

  I ran inside, seeing a long, extra large table in front of me, also made of metal. Maybe they were just allergic to building materials that aren’t metal and glass. I’m not sure. The edges of the room were surrounded by counters, but I couldn’t see what was on top of them.

  First order of business, hiding. I dashed over to one of the cabinets and pulled the door open. Inside were various dishes. I immediately hid inside, listening.

  Shortly afterwards, I heard phony storming into the room, audibly out of breath. I guess she wasn’t used to running around. Weakling.

  After she caught her breath, she called out “Mikatil, ?? ??? ? ??.” I didn’t respond, of course. To my surprise, a different voice responded. Uh oh, there was someone else in the room.

  “?? Mikatil ???? ?? ?, ??? ???”

  “???? ?? ? ?”

  Their conversation continued for a little bit, but eventually I heard Phony walking away rather quickly, probably to go look for me elsewhere. Good, she didn’t find me.

  Slowing my breathing and quieting my beating heart, I peeked my head out of the cabinet, looking around. Phony’s red hair was nowhere to be seen, which was good, but I could see a pair of legs sitting down at the far end of the table. I guess I had missed seeing them while running to hide.

  I quietly crawled out of the cabinet, shut the cabinet door behind me, and started walking quietly towards the table. Once I changed my view, I realized the alien was staring straight at me. Whoops, they did notice me. Oh well.

  I walked straight over to them. No need to hide if I’d been seen. This alien had long, pristine white hair and red eyes. Their features were decidedly androgynous, although it wasn’t easy to define the gender of aliens in the first place. I was just going with whatever felt right. And “they” felt right.

  Who knows, maybe this alien species has 4,800 genders like mushrooms. I, for one, have no idea.

  Walking over nonchalantly, I jumped up onto the chair next to the alien. Now able to vaguely see the table, I could tell that they were drinking something white out of a glass, using a straw. Unlike the other aliens, who all wore black skintight pants, this one wore more white, embellished with red stitching, similar to my current outfit.

  Whitey had a bemused smile on their face. I jumped up onto the table, now a good 20 feet off the floor. I’m glad my jumping ability was so high. Now standing atop the table, I could see what he was doing. He was eating! I sniffed. He was eating something that smelled like a desert, and looked like an extremely large slice of cake.

  Of course aliens have cake, and of course that cake should be mystery green. I think I’ve stopped caring at this point. The question was if it tasted good.

  I looked over at Whitey who was still watching me, half smiling, drinking his… white smoothie? Whatever. I ignored him and reached for the fork-like implement. I lifted it with some difficulty, as it was quite oversized, and cut off a thin piece, approximately the size of a pancake. I really want a proper fork in my size.

  With no utensils, I gave up and used my hand, folding the cake slice up like a crepe. Hunger was triumphing over logic. If it was good, maybe I’d make a fork by snapping the giant fork into pieces and welding them back together. It seemed possible, but annoying.

  The cake was delicious, tasting of sugar and spices and something like citrus. Ahh, sugar, my one true love. Don’t tell my wife, although she’s also happily enjoying the cake from the confines of my stomach. I looked up at Whitey, who was still staring at me quizzically. They carefully cut another slice and placed it in front of me. See, this person gets it. This is how I should be treated.

  Our quiet snacking lasted for a good while, with me eating the vast majority of Whitey’s slice of cake. They took a bite of their own from time to time, but I didn’t mind the possible contamination of alien saliva. I highly doubt it’ll get me sick or anything, so why bother worrying? Whitey didn’t seem to mind.

  This moment of peace and happiness came to an end when Phony came rushing in with a peeved expression, her fiery hair swaying. I didn’t want to be caught, so I started backing up, but she seemed wise to this idea and ignored me while speaking to Whitey. Hmmm.

  Licking my hands clean, I continued looking around the room, keeping an eye on Phony. Now that I was on the table, I could see the other counters, which were lined up with holographic projections of food buffet style. At two points were large machines, which probably actually delivered the food, because the projections were clearly just glorified food advertisements.

  Phony was subtly shifting closer to me, but it wasn’t subtle enough. It was clear she wanted to grab me, so I crept around to the other side of the mostly demolished slice of cake. Whitey reached for another bite with the fork, and I ignored him.

  Quick as a flash, Whiteys other pair of arms grabbed me, picking me up as the fork clattered to the table. Fuck me, what a traitor. Once again clawing at hard skin that didn’t budge, I vowed I’d get Whitey back someday soon.