53: I Wanna Be Somebody

  At first, nothing happened. Damon watched Jam tap the amulets over and over like a man poking a landmine. Since the king and Lita were a few thousand times more powerful than him, Damon didn't react.

  Jam lifted his hand and tapped at the amulets again. "They're not working. But I can see all the plus signs floating around the Necklaces of Maximum Rock. So many pluses."

  Jam himself did not have the most impressive numbers:

  Metal Health: 10

  Kind: Human, Male

  Type: Rogue Class One, Shadowblade

  Metal Skill: Shredder, Fumblefingers

  Metal Mana: 250

  Proclivity: Norwegian

  Special Ability: Rainbow Vision

  Jam had learned almost nothing in his time here. Though it was cool, he was a rogue, a nice addition to the team, and he had Rainbow Vision. But then Damon re-read the proclivity line of his stats and got a chill.

  "He's Norwegian," Damon whispered to Kim, but she continued to motion for Jam to leave the amulets alone.

  Damon could also see the plus signs above the items. They hadn't been visible when he was wearing one of them, so perhaps they only appeared once they had been activated. There was a promise in those pluses, and he found himself also drawn to them.

  "Remove your hand from those amulets!" Lita's staff crackled with green energy. King Fidds had formed a round ball of leaves between his hands, even though his face held a bemused expression.

  "Back away now, son," Uncle Gord said.

  Jam looked up at Gord. His eyes had a joy that reminded Damon of the ecstatic young girls at the Taylor Swift concert his One Girl Who Was A Friend made him attend. "You're not my father," Jam said. "You're just some old guy who likes Anvil."

  "All great people do," Gord said. "I'm trying to stop you from doing anything stupid."

  "I hear a voice now," Jam continued, putting his hand to his ear. "Don't you hear him? It's my dad. My real dad. Not Dad Two or Dad Three. This is the one who taught me guitar before he went out for milk and never came back. I hear you, Dad! I'll reach out for you!" Jam slammed his hand back on the amulets and this time the closest one twisted up his forearm like a golden snake that, in a moment, stretched all the way to his shoulder. He stared at his arm, shocked. Then, the second amulet twisted up his left arm. Damon had to admit they had turned into rather exceptional looking jewellery, except for the glowing power of death emanating from them. Jam smiled and grew a little bigger.

  Lita's staff made a hissing boom, and a beam of green magic shot out in the shape of a glowing arrow. Jam smacked the arrow out of the air, sending it to the far wall to explode, leaving a huge smoking hole.

  "Dad warned you'd try to hurt me," Jam said. "He didn't lie. He promised I'd become a God of Thunder. Oh, and he'd bring back milk."

  Two guards ran towards him, their long spears out, but Jam made a motion with his other hand and they both flew to the other side of the room, smacking into the opposite wall.

  Jam's numbers were now greyed out:

  Metal Health: ++++

  Kind: Human, Male

  Type: Rogue Class Level ++++, ++++

  Metal Skill: Shredder Level ++++, ++++

  Metal Mana: ++++

  Proclivity: Norwegian

  Special Ability: Rainbow Vision

  That the numbers were all replaced with plus signs was clearly not a good sign. How did you damage someone who was gaining power at such a speed?

  "I hear you, Dad!" Jam shouted. "I will obey."

  The third necklace crawled up his chest, over his neck and landed on his head, immediately forming into a gold-plated bandana with a gem in the center. The gem glowed like a red eye.

  A very rough metal sound that reminded Damon of buzz saws played around him.

  "It's W.A.S.P.," Damon said. "'I Wanna Be Somebody' to be specific. The song is coming to life." No one seemed to care about that specific information.

  Jam's hair grew long and perfect and looked as if an invisible fan were blowing it back. There was a wicked joy and an evil countenance on his face.

  "It's not your dad," Kim shouted. "Don't listen! It's an evil wizard named Blayre. The one we were just talking about."

  Jam narrowed his eyes at her. "He's Metal Dad. The one I was meant to have." Jam was sprouting more muscles and height. Thin black metal armor clicked in place from head to toe, an outfit that Damon thought would put Darth Vader to shame. A cloak suddenly flowed behind Jam's back, flapping dramatically backwards, blown by the same invisible fan that was moving his hair. Jam pointed at Kim. "And I will have you as my bride!"

  "What on earth are you talking about?" Damon said.

  "You are being tricked, Jam," Uncle Gord said. "Take off those amulets. Or I will."

  "No one will take anything from me again," Jam said. "Metal Dad promised."

  With that, King Fidds stepped to the front of the group and said, "I'm sorry, I have no choice now: I have to do this."

  He lifted the ball of leaves and flowers. Damon saw its stats:

  Wild Flower Ball of Power: +2500 thorn power

  King Fidds let the ball go. It floated a few inches upwards, then shot at Jam. Halfway there, the leaves turned black and flew off, revealing a collection of branches and incredibly sharp thorns. The ball expanded into a blanket-like shape and came down on its target.

  Jam motioned, and a glowing red shield appeared in mid-air, but the ball of thorns cut through as if going through onion paper.

  At the last moment, Jam stepped up onto the throne and then jumped high to avoid the thorns altogether—soaring nearly three times his height. He grabbed the Schenkeraxe at the top of his arc. Before he could do anything other than smile wider, the thorn blanket turned in mid-air and fell on him, surrounding Jam. It squeezed tighter and tighter. Parts of the blanket bulged out, as if Jam were attempting to punch his way out. Damon expected screaming, but there was only an odd silence. Even the background music had stopped. Then Jam fell over and was still. The blanket kept a human-like shape. Damon was glad he couldn't see what was happening underneath. No Metal Health numbers glowed. He turned away before blood pooled on the ground.

  "Are those like the thorns in your wall?" Kim asked. "Will he heal?"

  "No healing," King Fidds said. "I had no other choice. He had grown too powerful."

  "Then he's dead?" Damon asked.

  "Yes," Fidds said, walking towards the thorny corpse. "The wild flower thorns cancel the most powerful magic. They are meant to bring death. Then comes the regrowth that springs from decomposition."

  "My dear friend Fidds," Lita said. "I am sorry. I know you swore to protect life."

  He drew in a breath and looked to be overcome with an unspoken emotion. "Hard choices have to be made."

  He took a step towards the thorn blanket. Lita grabbed his shoulder and stopped his next step. "My liege," she said.

  The blanket was moving. It looked a little like a black caterpillar as it shrugged itself forward.

  "This is not possible," King Fidds said. "That spell has all my power."

  One strum of a very heavy metal chord sounded inside that blanket. A moment later, the blanket exploded, shooting out a storm of thorns. A thorn struck Damon in the arm; another stuck in Kim's leg. Lita and the king put up a shield to block the rest.

  Jam stood up, holding the Schenkeraxe. Thorns stuck in his body, around his face, and arms, making him bleed from several places and look very much like Pinhead in Damon's favourite Hellraiser movies. But he was intact and very, very intent. He windmilled his arm and strummed a low E power chord.

  Jam continued to grow, beefing out as if someone had infused him with genetics from The Rock and Arnold Schwarzenegger. He pulled a thorn out of his forehead and looked at it, then dropped it. His voice was as deep as thunder. "Now it's my turn."

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  Lita stepped in front of the king, and Uncle Gord pushed Kim behind him and his shield, even though she had already drawn her sword. Damon stood in the open.

  "My time has come!" Jam shouted, apparently not finished with his threat. "And I have great wrath. And great muscles, too." He pointed at his arm. "See them?"

  "Put down the guitar, Jam," Uncle Gord said.

  Jam looked at the guitar and the muscles on his arm, and even his hair was growing longer. "I'm sorry, Gordo, but I have become everything I ever dreamed of." The numbers were blurring above his head, clicking higher and higher. There was no way of knowing how powerful he was.

  "It's all a lie," Damon said. "The voice you hear. The guy who says he's your father. Turn him down. Let the power go. Let it go."

  "Don't quote Frozen at me." Jam swung the guitar like an axe into the floor, causing the ground to shake. "My mom always said I was special. I mean, when she wasn't stoned. Well, even when she was. She promised I was destined for something great. And here it is. I have become a God Boy of Thunder!"

  Jam leaped towards the king. Lita lifted her staff, prepared to attack, but before she could cast a spell, Jam—mid-air— struck a chord on the guitar, and an axe blade emerged from its bottom, cutting Lita's staff in half.

  "JoJett!" she shouted.

  Green energy burst out in all directions, sending Lita stumbling back. Jam leapt once more, but this time, Uncle Gord and Fiora wrapped themselves around his feet, not quite pulling him down, but slowing his ascent.

  Still, he kept climbing higher. "Dude and dudette, not cool," Jam protested. One of the bracelets crawled down Jam's leg and jabbed Gord in the hand, forcing him to let go. Then did the same to Fiora, who fell back.

  Damon waved his Screaming Eagle Staff and threw his Mini Metal Militia shards that dissipated into nothingness long before they reached Jam.

  "At least you didn't attack me, Dudette Kim." Jam seemed genuinely thankful. "You've been promised to me. I'll have a unicorn at the wedding for you to ride in on."

  Jam charged towards the king. A wall of vines erupted from the floor, reaching out like a thousand woody snakes, attempting to block Jam, but with one swing of the Schenkeraxe, he cut through it. He kept attacking, slicing through a shield of moss that the king conjured to halt Jam's advance.

  "This is inevitable, dude," Jam declared. "I'm like acne, but worse."

  The king stood his ground. "You do not want to do this," he said.

  "I want to do this." Jam pressed on, muscling and slashing his way through the vines.

  "I was not talking to you, Jam of Earth," King Fidds asserted. "For you are but a pawn in this game between much greater powers."

  "Oh, you were talking to Metal Dad," Jam responded. "Yes, he can hear you."

  "He really isn't your dad," Kim added.

  "He's Metal Dad, I told you! I will tell our children that we are going to have together, I've seen them, about how you treated me at first. But then you came around to my glorious charms."

  "Enough about offspring," King Fidds said. "You will regret this Blayre. Whatever your plans are for my head, they will not come to fruition."

  Jam's laugh echoed through the room. "There's so much laughter in my head right now. My dad is laughing at you." He raised the guitar. "It's time to die."

  King Fidds, instead of making a futile defensive move, unexpectedly bent his neck and uttered, "My land is me," he said. "I am my land."

  Without hesitating, Jam swung the guitar; the blade on the bottom glowed. There was a sound like a tree trunk being struck.

  The king's head flew off.

  It spiraled in the air, his eyes still open, and his beard and hair flowed in the air, still looking well combed as if defying the gruesome reality of his demise.

  To Damon's surprise, there was no spurting of blood. He had expected a lot of gore, but the strange world they were in defied conventional logic. The king's body, headless, stood still as if in shock that it had lost its head.

  Jam, with an impressive leap, caught the head and held it up triumphantly, looking directly into the lifeless eyes.

  "That was cutting!" he taunted, then burst into laughter. "Get it? Get it? Cutting!" Jam stared back at the shocked observers, his guitar in one hand, the head in the other.

  Close My Eyes Forever soldiers poured out of the nearest door. And Lita held both parts of JoJett up as if trying to urge the staff to cast a spell.

  "Dad says I don't have time to kill all of you," Jam said. "So bye bye." And with that, Jam ran behind the throne and into the hall, leaving behind a scene of chaos.

  The king's body, without a fuss, fell over in what would have been considered a face-first manner, if not for the circumstance.

  54: Running After the Devil

  The first to run after Jam was Lita, holding both halves of her staff, crackling with untamed energy. "He'll escape through the tunnels!" she shouted. Uncle Gord followed the woman, and so Kim felt it was her duty to follow him. He was her uncle, after all. And other than going to heavy metal concerts, he wasn't known for rash decisions.

  "Hey!" Fiora shouted. She stood a few feet behind, her hand outstretched to Kim and Damon as if she had just tossed her words towards them. "Don't chase him! The guards are jumpy. You might get your soft skin poked."

  Kim glanced back. "We're as safe with them as we are here."

  "We have to do this," Damon added. "The king looks like Robert Plant. If Plant lost his head, I'd do everything possible to put it back on."

  As Kim passed by Fidds's body, she couldn't help but glance down as if she were nearing the scene of a car accident. Bloodless veins that had burst out of his neck and were hanging there. She had a bit of difficulty keeping her food down until she realized they weren't veins—they were vines! As if his whole circulatory system were made of vines. Maybe his nervous system, too. She was tempted to stop and examine this strange anomaly. A man with vines for veins! They were moving around as if —

  "It's like they're looking for his head," Damon said. He was only a step behind her.

  "Yes," Kim replied. Best to keep running. Science didn't seem to matter here.

  "Fine!" Fiora charged after them. "I guess I'll just die with you even though I am finally free from Blayre and all I want is some ale."

  Kim rushed through the door at the back of the Headbangers Ballad Ballroom. It led into a large hallway lit by firefly lights. When they got to the end of the hall, they discovered one set of stairs that went up and another leading down. Kim really hoped they would follow the "up" stairs because she might get some fresh air. The earthy smell was getting to her lungs, and she wanted to see the sun. Maybe it would wipe her memories of the things she'd just seen.

  "This way," Lita said, pointing the two halves of her staff like the marshals who guided airplanes with their orange batons. They went down the stairs.

  By the time the group reached the bottom, they stumbled across Jam's trail of destruction. A large metal door had been smashed open, bent as if a giant had kicked it. There were three guards in green armor on the ground. They all had their heads on, which was a good sign, but none of them were moving.

  Jam himself was at the end of the hallway, running like mad. Large thorns poked out of the wall, but he swung that guitar-axe with one hand, cutting down thorns and the occasional guard. He arced the axe over a female servant's head. She let out a high-pitched shriek and leapt through an open doorway.

  Jam laughed like a maniac and charged on, growing bigger and stronger with each step. Kim wasn't certain it would be wise to catch up with him. Especially after all his threats of marrying her.

  At the end of the hallway, defending a large stone door plastered with glowing runes, were half a dozen guards in black armor with glowing lines, holding fiery broadswords. The armor and the magic suggested they were more powerful than the soldiers who had come before. Clearly, there was something important behind the door.

  "The Neon Knights will stop him," Lita said.

  "Watch my impression of Thanos," Jam shouted, then tossed the guitar in the air, and snapped his fingers. The guards fell down as if a percussive force had smashed into them, their swords rattling on the floor, the flames blowing out along with the glowing lines of light on their armor. Jam caught the guitar in mid-air then swung it and, with a blow that sounded like an A chord, the door let out a scream, and several ghost-like forms shot out of the stone and into the ceiling. The door itself crumbled into jagged pebbles. Something glowed inside the room.

  "I'm running with the devil!" Jam shouted back at them. Then he stepped over the threshold.

  "Faster!" Lita shouted again, guiding them with her wand. Jam had stepped out of sight, but the glow inside the room was getting brighter.

  They burst into a room with an arch surrounded by vines. There were no exits, and this room had a multitude of runes across the walls and floors and the ceiling, all glowing red. At the far end was a black stone arch. Kim guessed the runes were there for protection because things coming through that arch were not always good. Vines had reached down from the ceiling; others grabbed from the floor, wrapping around Jam's now rather thick legs. Several were pulling on the king's head, trying to yank it out of Jam's grip.

  He was so strong; it seemed impossible, but enough of them grabbed on to slow Jam. Fidds's head, though, looked peaceful as they pulled on his beard and hair. He could have been asleep. With one greenish yank, they got the head loose.

  "No, no, no!" Jam shouted. He took the Schenkeraxe with both hands and, cutting through vines, swung it down and slammed it into the center of the floor. A black wave of darkness spread from that point, killing every vine and snuffing out the light of the runes.

  "The power!" Jam said. "And the glory! It's so metal."

  Fidds's head rolled near his feet, and Jam picked it up.

  Lita raised both sides of her staff and was able to him in the chest with a blast that threw him back and knocked the guitar out of his hand.

  "What was that?" He dropped the axe. "What was that?"

  "Grab the Schenkeraxe, Gord," Lita yelled.

  Uncle Gord charged towards the man with his right hand out. All Kim could do was follow him as support. Uncle Gord was just about to touch the axe when Jam flicked his wrist, and one amulet flew from his hand and pinned Gord to the floor.

  "No way, Gordo," Jam said, making another acrobatic leap into the air, grabbing the axe. Kim pulled her sword and strode in. Meanwhile, Damon leapt ahead with his staff, and the angle was just right so that he could hit Jam from behind. Kim was impressed by the height he got in his jump and because he was wise enough not to grunt or shout out a catchphrase. But at the last moment, Jam got a look like he was hearing a voice, swung around with the axe, knocked the staff to the floor, and grabbed Damon around the neck, somehow holding the king's head by the hair at the same time so it looked like the head was biting Damon's neck.

  Jam was now at least two feet taller than Damon, with broader shoulders. Jam put the blade of the guitar against Damon's neck. "One more step and your friend gets his head cut off by this axe that I hold in my hand."

  "Well, that was an awkward sentence," Fiora said.

  Jam motioned, and the necklace holding Gord to the ground flew back to his wrist. "Nope! Put your weapons down!" He brought the axe closer to Damon's neck, making him flinch. "I'm a rock god now, and you must obey"

  "I'll eat your liver if you harm him," Fiora said. "Let my Damon go."

  The words "My Damon" echoed in the chamber and in Kim's head.

  "I won't be your hostage!" Damon jammed his foot down on Jam with an impressive amount of force.

  It wasn't enough to impress Jam, though. Clearly, whatever magic was at work on him had made his feet as tough and muscular as the rest of his body.

  "This can be worked out, Jam," Uncle Gord said.

  "I killed a king and am holding his head." Jam shook Fidds's head, which was dripping dirt onto Damon's wizard clothing. "What part of this do you think can be worked out?"

  "Just start by letting that young man go."

  "None of you seems to understand." Jam made the head jiggle again. "This wasn't a mistake. Metal Dad is waiting for me. He is. Enough talk; it's time to rock. Jam out." He took a step back. Then another. The whirling glowing spiral inside the strange arch glowed brighter as he neared. Kim had seen enough movies to know he would be gone if he went through that opening.

  "Wait!" she said. "Take me."

  "No!" Both Uncle Gord and Damon said at the same time.

  "It's a brilliant idea," Fiora said. "Take the girl."

  Kim had no intention of going with him to whatever horrific Neverland of Blayre's was on the other side. She wanted only to lure Jam away from the glowing doorway.

  "You find me that hot?" Jam said. "Is it the new muscles? The hair?" He let out his breath. "Hey, even my breath smells minty. Metal minty!"

  "It's the hair," she said. She thought that was a nicer compliment since the muscles were new and she wasn't close enough to smell his breath. He lowered the guitar a few inches. "I knew you were into me." Then Jam twisted his head, as if listening to a voice. "Nah," he said. "Metal Dad says I don't need the girl. There will be plenty of Girls. Girls. Girls where I am going. Jam out. Again."

  He took two steps towards them, which made Kim pull back her sword, Fiora suck in a breath, and Lita prepare another spell. Then he threw himself backwards, in an acrobatic flip that sent him headfirst into the archway. Damon shouted out a word, but it was hard to say what it was. Fiora reached for Damon at the same time as Kim.

  But Jam was too far away. He went through the arch, pulling Damon with him. The last thing to trail behind him was the guitar, which was rather impressive athletically. It caught the arch, cutting through the stone and showing sparks.

  The arch shook, shimmered, and fell apart, ending with a flash of light that forced all of them to cover their eyes. When they looked again, Jam and Damon were gone. The only thing that remained was a bandana on the floor.