We all stood by the exit hatch, waiting for the marines to give the final all clear. Seeing Lee and I in regular clothes next to the other four in armored space suits, I couldn’t help but wonder if Lee had lied about why she wasn’t wearing one. There was no way she had any body armor that would fit me, and if I was told to say aboard the Chang’e, translate over video, I would’ve refused. Now I recognize that would’ve been the correct choice, to stay safe, but at the time I was feeling like a coward and was determined to put myself in some sort of danger. I wondered if Lee knew how I felt, if it was possible for her to know. I wondered if she went without the suit so I wouldn’t be the only easy target.

  It was clear why Lee trusted the marines. They surrounded us as we left the Chang’e, every angle watched, at least one on every rooftop, and a drone in front of every window, along with a carpet of drones above us. Their helmets weren’t designed to hide the face, but it didn't matter. There were too many humans, too many drones, too organized. They seemed faceless, and it felt like a power, not people, had conquered my home.

  One of the marines stepped forward, took off his helmet, and hugged Lee.

  She introduced us, “Saria, Captain Roberts.”

  “Nice to meet you.”

  “An honor to meet you,” he replied, smiling at me before looking back to Lee, “no bombs, no resistance, but the President, Prime Minister, and cabinet, are up to something. And the Prime Minister has an ioe with them. They want to talk to you, seems to be a peaceful protest type thing. We searched them and found nothing, but, aliens, I don’t know what I’m dealing with, not really.”

  They both looked to me.

  “It makes sense that they wouldn’t want to fight, especially after, well. And it makes sense they wouldn’t give up, so I wouldn’t be surprised if they want to talk.”

  I hoped I was right.

  “Okay,” Lee said, confidently, “let’s go deal with it then.”

  The President and cabinet stood in a line across the front of the administrative building with the Prime Minister out in front, his ioe at his side. All of them wore their colorful formalwear, a stark contrast to the grey camo of the marines that surrounded them. All the venalia wore translators, and the ioe did not. She seemed afraid, understandably, and I’m ashamed to say I didn’t know her, not even her name.

  “What is this?” Lee asked, almost yelling, her voice breaking the silence.

  He was calm and quiet by comparison.

  “I am Prime Minister Aleylen and I want to make a plea for peace, our way of life here, for a better future. We can and are willing to change. We have lost enough already and have no desire to lose more. You can monitor our elections, change our government, our voting system, whatever it takes. All we want, more than anything, is to be free to live our lives. We have been here over 100 years, this is our home, everything to us. Please.” He did not just look at Lee when he spoke, but to the humans around him, addressing all of them.

  “Saria, translate please because,” she gestured to the ioe without a translator, and then spoke to the Prime Minister directly.

  “I have no fath in you. All ioe will be freed. You, all venalia, no longer have any say over your own lives. Your only choice is to surrender or die.”

  He, to my surprise, waited for me to translate before replying.

  “You will not have my surrender.” He put his arm around his ioe, holding her tightly against him. “You will not separate us. I’ve loved them for years, it may seem wrong to you, but I know the truth and will not deny it.”

  “You would rather die?” Her confusion was obvious and genuine.

  “Yes, for my love, my way of life, my people. I will not rule over the end.”

  Lee turned to me. “They know I’ll kill them right? This isn’t a bluff or trick or anything like that.”

  “They know.” I replied.

  “Can you make sure, in pyrav.”

  “They won’t listen to me.”

  “Can you try, if I have to, I need you to try.”

  “Okay.”

  “She’ll kill you.” I said to him, as loudly and confidently as I could without straining my voice.

  “I meant what I said.”

  “What are you even trying to do?”

  “I don’t expect you to understand, but they are not monsters, no one is.”

  “Do you want human sympathy? Do you think dying is how you’ll get it? There is none. I don’t know what was on the hard drive I gave them, but after one video from it the previous admiral, the only advocate for peace, all but gave up. There is no political opposition, no second in command, no one to call another election. No human will defend you, I doubt any of them will even care. You will die for nothing.”

  “It’s alright, don’t worry, there is no way for you to understand. This isn’t your fault, the failure is all mine. Whatever you were missing, that you ran away to look for, it was not my intent, not the desire of any of us, for you to go without, to suffer in any way. I’m sorry, truely, with all of myself.”

  “You’re a fucking idiot. She will kill you. Just cooperate.”

  He wouldn’t look at me, only at Lee or the marines.

  “It’s okay Saria, whatever happens, whatever you feel, it was us nali and venali who failed. Hopefully we get the chance to prove that we can do better. Admiral, I am at your mercy.”

  He sounded so kind, sincere, and he was so sure that some humans would find the violence upsetting, that some other aliens may see the violence against him and the venalia as worth intervening over, and I was beyond angry that he wouldn’t listen to me, that he couldn’t imagine that the way we were treated was wrong, that someone might care about us. He was playing a game that wasn’t real. There was nothing the humans wanted, no power they sought, no way in which martyring himself could achieve anything. He was politically outmaneuvered by Lee, who with complete transparency, did what she thought was right, and he would die for his mistake.

  To everyone’s surprise, I think even Lee’s, there was no trial, no formal execution. She unceremoniously drew her pistol and shot him twice in the head. The shots themselves were deafening but somehow the echos were both so loud and so quiet. I remember looking at the body slumped on the ground, his face hidden from where I stood. Besides the position being awkward, he could’ve been alive. I’d, for some reason, imagined that there was some sort of great transformation when someone died, something obvious, powerful, something that would tell me I was no longer looking at a person, but a corpse. That was naive, death barely matters to reality, it is us, the living, that must make it matter.

  Once she understood what happened, his ioe screamed, kneeling down over him, holding his body. She tried to sing, but she was shaking, struggling to breathe, and I wanted to comfort her, sing what she couldn’t, but it wasn’t my place, not with what I’d done, what I’d failed to do. If only he listened. But he didn’t, and I, the one who should’ve comforted her, the one whose responsibility it was, watched in silence like the venalia, humans, and drones.

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  Lee had to say my name a few times to get my attention.

  “You okay? You can leave if you need to.”

  “Okay, no, but I can stay.”

  “Good.” She raised her voice, truly yelling, “President whatever the fuck your name is, come here.”

  He walked over, hiding his fear well.

  “I take it that was enough to get you to do what I tell you?”

  “Yes Admiral.” He kept his head down as he spoke, looking at his shoes.

  “Saria, take us to where you lived, your room, home, whatever it is.”

  I started walking, flanked by Lee, the President, and a few marines. I knew she did not mean to threaten me or any ioe but seeing her kill still had that effect on me, and we walked for a while before I worked up the will to ask what we were doing.

  “Well I assume you want your stuff, but I don’t know what bombs or poisons they might have, so we’ll make sure the President opens, touches, takes apart everything. Every surface that could possibly have a poison, every place a bomb could be hidden, not that we don’t do our own checks, but better safe than sorry. I don’t want you, or any ioe, or any human, hurt. ”

  It was strange, seeing the President go through my room like that at gunpoint. I asked for my diary, a few pens, and a change of clothes back first, which Lee arranged, before we went to the kitchens. Lee had a similar plan for all the food. A bit of everything would be eaten by a cabinet member to ensure nothing was poisoned. They protested, insisting they would never do such a thing, but it didn’t matter. I told the marines what needed to be cooked to be safe to eat, along with how to cook it themselves so the venalia would have less of a chance to tamper with anything. Seeing them eat at gunpoint under such close supervision was so bizarre it made me uncomfortable. Thankfully I wasn’t there long. My next task was the most important one. The humans had found the ioe bunker and managed to unlock it.

  I was alone in front of the door, Lee and some marines off to the side, out of sight. It was my idea. If the other ioe saw only me there wouldn’t be a panic. They would be confused, yes, but there wasn’t another option. I tried for a minute to write down a few words but I had nothing and I couldn’t justify waiting so I prepared myself to say whatever came to mind, and opened the door.

  “We are free.” My voice was too quiet even though they all heard the door opening and were listening in silence.

  “We are free.” I repeated, louder, and while I’d spent a day away it was more than that. I never fit in properly, and I knew, had just seen the proof that, many ioe loved their venalia, and while I think all of us in one way or another dreamed of a better life, true radicals, who wanted freedom, who wanted all they knew torn down, were few, and out of habit kept their desires secret, so there was no cheering, no song, no celebration, only silence.

  “The humans have overthrown the venalia, whatever we decide for ourselves, they will abide by.”

  More silence, until someone called out nervously, “Did Elender Caere survive?”

  “I don’t know. The venalia tried to fight instead of surrendering. All ships were lost with all hands, and the Prime Minister is dead.”

  I couldn’t think how to explain his death, so I didn’t, and I should’ve known. Known that so many would know someone who was on one of the ships. Known that there would be no celebration. Some cried, all who could sing sang mourning, and those same few notes repeated over and over drilled into me as I desperately tried not to look for Lyrei because no one could know she had any part in what I had done. It didn’t matter how much I need her comfort, how much I missed her, how much or in what way I loved her, she needed to be safe above all else and as I stood in the doorway I realized I wasn’t one of them anymore so I stepped away, out of sight of the ioe, and realized I felt safer with only Lee and the marines able to see me and in that moment I swear I could feel a little part of me irrevocably break.

  “Now what?” Lee asked.

  “They’ll stop singing at some point, and they’ll have questions. They won’t believe that you don’t want something from them.”

  “Understandable. How long?”

  “Hours.”

  Lee sighed. “Okay, we shouldn’t wait around that long.” She turned to a marine, “get unarmed guards here, no spacesuits, and make sure someone with at least some pyrav is here at all times. Keep the armed guards as far away as possible, and try to make it clear that they are there to protect the ioe, not keep them in. If they ask to leave, let them, give them whatever they ask for, tell them whatever they want to know. Call me when they are ready to talk. Saria, let's go.”

  I followed her. “Where to now?”

  “We're done. Habi is dealing with the venalia, she’ll let us know if she finds out something urgent. You need food, and we both need rest. Thank fuck this went well. Don’t tell anyone but I was a little worried.”

  “I won’t.” I replied, wondering why she told me.

  We stopped by the kitchens and I grabbed two meals worth of bread and fruit, not wanting to cook anything, and we made our way back to the Chang’e. I started eating after sitting down in the mess and I didn’t know food could taste so good. I wasn’t paying attention to Lee, and while I ate she quickly got up and left. I called out after her but she didn’t answer and by the time I made it to the hallway I couldn’t see her. We were the only two on the ship, and I wasn’t about to leave her alone so I took a guess and went to her room.

  The door was closed, so I copied Habi, knocking a few times before opening it. Lee was sitting on the bed, the silver cross from her uniform in her hands, pistol on the floor at her feet, still in its holster.

  “Sorry, I should’ve locked the door.”

  I closed it behind me, but didn’t lock it.

  “I think it's my turn to ask if you're okay?”

  She shrugged, “I’ll be fine. Been through worse.”

  “That’s not what I meant. Right now are –”

  “It translated. I didn’t answer.”

  “Oh.” I sat on the bed next to her. “You can talk to me, you know that right? Our interests couldn’t be more connected now, and I appreciate all you’ve done, and I care.” To my surprise the last bit wasn’t a lie.

  “You wouldn’t understand. It’s alright.”

  “Lee, I know a war medal when I see one, and listen to yourself, what you just said.”

  We sat in silence as she thought, the Chang’e humming softly.

  “I’m sorry,” she said, looking me in the eyes, which I still found unsettling, “I didn’t mean it like –”

  “That’s clear.”

  “Still.”

  “It’s John Brown’s Cross, given to a foreigner who risks their life and shows bravery while performing a great service to New Africa and her people. The occupation was, what the Americans did, it was fucked. After the war we could drop food, medicine, fuel, water, batteries, ammunition, pretty much endless amounts, that’s easy. Ambulances, helicopters, planes, houses, doctors, therapists, engineers, we couldn’t, and the infrastructure was gone, completely, and when you build everything in space, roads and pipes and power lines and the weather are, we couldn’t do shit for that, not quick enough to matter, and it felt like half the army joined the KKK, racist fucks. Day after day using the Chang’e like a helicopter, hunting them, and they would always surrender after a few shots. I never got to just kill one of the fuckers, and I wanted to, wasn’t right they got to live when so many didn’t, and John Brown did that, same fight hundreds of years ago, killed them easily. Thought I would enjoy it too, to just, dead, and the screaming. But it feels good to win, that I don’t have to live with knowing what they were doing to you, compared to that, easy choice, and I’d’ve killed all of them the exact same way if I thought it would help, no matter how much it hurts after, no matter how much it hurts now.”

  “And I’ll see their body in my nightmares, hear the screaming, the singing for those that died in space, and I would, if I could, do it again, with greater conviction. I’ve lost my home, my people, but if I let it go on, now I’m not sure I would’ve survived myself. So I understand, it is the same for me.”

  “... I guess I should ask what you want from me. If you wanted me to be, I don’t know, the Admiral of a great fleet, savoir from the stars, you wouldn’t be here, talking to me like this.”

  “Don’t flatter yourself, and no, I guess not… Can I hold it?”

  “Yea, sure.”

  She handed me the cross. It was heavier than it looked, and ever so slightly warm to the touch from her hands. There was nothing on the front, just smooth silver. All the words were engraved on the back, hidden when it was pinned to her uniform.

  “I can’t go back like nothing happened,” I said, trying to keep my voice even, but letting myself flicker a little since she couldn’t see, “I will never be able to live with my own people. I would make everyone I knew, everyone who would get close to me, a target, I couldn’t do that. But you, you’re already a target. I feel, felt so much guilt standing in front of all of them, but with you, humans, you, I don’t. You’re all as crazy as I am now. So what I want from you, don’t leave me behind or,” I looked up at the door and Lee did too, following my eyes, and nodded, understanding, and I looked back down at the cross in my hands because I couldn’t look at her and say what I wanted to say. “You’re what I have now. All I was before is out of reach.”

  I looked at Lee as I handed the cross back and to my surprise she seemed to almost be crying, at least that’s what the translator thought. I must’ve made some sort of face because she apologized.

  “Sorry, I shouldn’t’ve killed, not like that.”

  “No no no, It’s alright.” That was all I could think to say, so I leaned against her, barely at first, giving her a chance to move away, but she was fine with it before, and I didn’t know how to put it into words. When she didn’t move I sat closed, so I could feel her breathing. I took deep, slow, breaths, until I felt her breathing match mine.

  “I’ll treat you like the rest of the crew now, make sure everyone else does too, though we will have to move to the Bolivar. But you’re one of us as long as you want to be.”

  “Thank you.”

  “I mean you already have the weird kind of intimacy we have from being stuck on a ship together for so long.”

  “Weird?” I sat up a little bit, supporting more of my own weight.

  She laughed, “A joke, a bad one, There isn’t a fucking normal for this.”