My imaginary life coach is revolutionary.

  At least I think she is. I never spoke to a real one, but I assume spiking my coffee with cold medicine wouldn’t be their first suggestion. My cool drug phase is long past due so I’m slightly tempted, but the problem is that her end goal is just for me to compliment her more. Drinking coffee with cold medicine just so I can compliment my imaginary friend doesn’t really sound that cool, so it takes away some of the allure of the whole plan.

  “So if we go with version one of the great Mai improvement plan, I expect we will see a threefold increase in compliments towards me. I highly recommended it.”

  The presentation was truly spectacular. Going with the classic beautiful presenter and trying to hide the obvious holes in that plan through sheer charisma almost worked. Unfortunately for Ami , she was so charismatic that I actually ended up listening. That sure didn’t do her plan any favors.

  “N-no.”

  “Why not just give it a try? There is nothing to lose”

  There is so much to lose, especially since she wants to test it on school days so we won’t risk our days off. There are already enough reasons for the kids at school to make fun of me, I’m not giving them more.

  “N-no.”

  “See Mai, that is exactly the problem. You try to use as few words as possible with me and you don’t even try to talk to anyone else. You haven’t made much progress on that lately either, so we got to do something to get things moving again.”

  Me being able to talk at all is kind of a miracle, she shouldn’t be so greedy and ask for another one. And taking cold medicine in the mornings doesn’t sound like the solution for a problem, but the start of a new one. I can’t even go to a pharmacy to buy more, this whole thing can only blow up in our face. Can’t we just settle on me trying really really hard to compliment her more?

  “B-b-b-beautiful.”

  “Try saying that without closing your eyes. and maybe make it a proper sentence.”

  I closed my eyes because she was too beautiful to look at and I even added extra B’s in there for emphasis, how is that not enough?

  “Y-y-you a-are b-b-beautiful.”

  “You closed your eyes and turned around this time.”

  Trying to keep my eyes open only made me realize that her looking at me is embarrassing as well.

  “I-it’s too embarrassing.”

  “You know Mai, you are the only person I can talk to. If you don’t say nice things to me, then no one does.”

  She is the only person I can talk to as well, and I’m not complaining. Though she does go out of her way to lie and call me cute every so often, so maybe I should try to do that too. At least she has plenty of things to compliment, so I won’t have to lie like she does. It’s not like I don’t want to say nice things to her, I think those things all the time, it’s just that I’m so bad at talking and it’s extra embarrassing with how I feel about her. I’m trying my best here.

  “I-i’m trying.”

  “I know you are, and I know it’s really hard for you so I want to be patient with you. But if I don’t push you forward you just get comfortable and let things stay the same.”

  Well, it’s all part of my ‘Mai stays exactly the same’ plan. It might not be as productive as her ‘Great Mai improvement plan’, but it doesn’t include any drugs so both have some advantages. I guess we should find a middle ground, like a ‘basic Mai improvement plan’ or something like that, with more relaxed goals and less prescription drugs.

  “F-five.”

  “If you start throwing insults, I’m going to get mad, you know.”

  I didn’t mean it like that. Actually I don’t know how it can even be interpreted this way.

  “H-how is that i-insulting?”

  “Weren’t you calling me whiny like a five year old?”

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  Maybe I really am using too few words. I’ll try to say it in a way she can’t take the wrong way.

  “F-five compliments a d-day.”

  “Oh… Fifty.”

  Impossible, no one can say fifty words in one day, let alone fifty compliments. Be reasonable here, I’m a beginner at this, not some world champion.

  “F-five is already a-a lot.”

  “Think about it Mai, normally you should be giving me a compliment once every ten minutes. That’s way more than fifty, five is just not nearly enough.”

  I can’t argue with her math, and I’m somewhat appalled by the fact that I agree with her about the proper amount of compliments for her. But it doesn’t change the fact that giving her so many compliments will definitely kill me. Giving her just one is already making me feel like I might have a heart attack any second now.

  “I-i can’t t-that m-many.”

  “Fine, then five. But you have to use full sentences, keep your eyes open and say at least one of them without stuttering. And we keep going until you manage that or we hit fifty.”

  That’s not a compromise. The conditions are basically impossible so it will go up to fifty regardless.

  “T-that’s impossible.”

  “You know I don’t like it when you use that word. The whole point is for you to get better at speaking so setting some goals to stop you from getting comfortable and stop trying to improve again is necessary.”

  “U-up to t-ten.”

  “Thirty, and we raise it by ten every week until we reach fifty. I’ll even count any nice things you say in your sleep as half a compliment each.”

  I almost prefer not knowing how much embarrassing stuff I say in my sleep. She isn’t going to give up on her fifty idea, I should just try to get her down to ten with weekly raises because I’ll probably die from embarrassment before we hit twenty.

  “T-ten and r-raise.”

  “No. Thirty and we raise it weekly, but I promise that if I see it’s too much for you I’ll let you stop early.”

  I can trust her to keep her promise and I think this is the best deal I’m going to get. If I try to ask for more concessions now, I can only expect bath time terror attacks in retaliation.

  “F-fine.”

  “Ok, let’s get started. I want you to do at least half before you go in the shower. Since I promised to count your sleep talking, you are at eight now so let’s do eleven more right now.”

  AHHH, I didn’t want to know that. Can’t she act like she is giving me the early out option when it comes to the sleep talking count. And shouldn't she at least act like she believes I can do it in five to begin with? I regret all of this already, let’s just get those eleven done with and go drown in the bath.

  “Y-y-you a-are c-c-c-c-c-cute.”

  “Thank you, so are you Mai. But you closed your eyes at the end there. I’ll count it for now, but you need to keep them open.”

  This is so hard. My mouth is so dry that my plan to drown in the bath might end up with me drinking all the water out of it.

  “Y-y-you a–a-are b-b-b-beautif-ful.”

  “Good job, you kept your eyes open that time. If you can say one without stuttering we can be done for today, so try your best Mai.”

  That’s not going to happen and she knows it. I feel like I’m getting closer to throwing up rather than saying it without stuttering..

  “Y-y-y-y-ou a-a-a…”

  “You can do it Mai!”

  “Y-y-you h-h-have p-p-p-pretty h-h-h-h-h-h-hair.”

  “I know right? it’s super soft too, I wish you could feel it but I’m not sure it’s worth crying over it.”

  It is worth crying over, but it’s only partly the reason I’m crying right now. I can’t even say a few nice things to her without breaking down, I’m so pathetic.

  “Just one more Mai. One more and we will be done for now, no we will be done for today, okay? You did great so just a little more.”

  She is always like this. A strange combination of pushy and considerate. I don’t know if I would have been able to deal with things without her around, so I’m grateful for that. Just one more, I can do this. Well, I can’t but I don’t really have a choice. Deep breath, wipe the tears away and say it.

  “You are a g-g-good friend.”

  “So close, you almost had that one. You are a good friend too Mai, a great friend. Thank you for trying so hard for me.”

  I get an imaginary hug as my reward? My heart can’t take it. I really love her. I wish I could be a better friend to her, she definitely deserves it, but this really is my limit.

  “You know, I think ‘great friend’ or ‘magnificent friend’ would have fitted me better there, if you had said one of those I bet you wouldn’t have stuttered at all. It’s all because you don’t say what you really want to say.”

  Saying what I really want to say seems a lot harder than saying what I did today. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to say it to her no matter how much I want to.

  “Don’t start crying again. It’s over for today and you did great. I’m sure it will be a little easier for you tomorrow, so just go shower for now and I’ll let you pick what we do for the rest of the evening.”

  Back when she first showed up, talking to her felt just as impossible as talking to anyone else did. Just as impossible as what we did today felt. I still want to say more, and I want to run away as well.

  “I-i-i-i…”

  I can’t do this. I have to do this. I’m scared, I’m anxious. I need to do this right now or I might not be able to do it ever. I don’t want this to stay impossible.

  “Take your time.”

  I can’t. I have to. I want to. I can’t. I have to. I want to. I want to. I want to.

  “I-i-i i l-l-love you.”

  “I love you too.”