Chapter 25. You Can’t Go Home Again.

  Friday January 25th, 2014. Tokyo Japan.

  There was a strange nervous energy coursing through Tanya’s body, her stomach had been doing all sorts of flips and flutters throughout the whole drive. But as they turned down the familiar streets, it was like time slowed around her and she felt at odds with herself. This was the road to her past self’s apartment. She had been expecting it to look so different, after all for her, so much time had passed, but here, it’s as if life had just gone on without him. For perhaps the first time she asked herself what had he really left behind when he died? What mark had Soto even made on the world?

  Something must have shown on her face, because she felt her grandma suddenly take her hand in hers as they pulled into the parking lot of the apartment block. That or her grandma was feeling her own sense of loss as well. Either way Tanya squeezed back and let the old woman hold her hand.

  It was just the four of them, so they had a smaller car for the day, and Tanya had to check herself when she subconsciously reached for her key fob to open the parking gate, when her grandfather beat her to it.

  The ride in the elevator was a silent affair with everyone respecting the somber mood. Tanya’s mind was playing all sorts of games with her emotions, and she kept feeling depressed and elated at the same time. Her home, her possessions, almost everything she had built up, was still here right above her. But there were also memories up there, memories of a dead man, one that she was increasingly feeling needed to be laid to rest, but some part of her still refused to let go.

  The ding of the elevator doors opening, once upon a time bringing relief, now only increased the anxiety coursing through her.

  And then they arrived before the door. Behind that door rested the final remains of his old life.

  Stepping forward her grandfather pulled out the spare set of keys he’d given them, when he’d first got the place.

  “I had some cleaners come through when you mentioned that you’d like to come visit, so there shouldn’t be any dust, but I haven’t been by to check yet, so…”

  Grandfather let the words hang in the air as they all heard the lock click, but the old man hesitated.

  Taking a deep breath Tanya stepped forward asking.

  “May I?”

  Her grandfather didn’t answer, only stepped back to make room for her at the door. Taking the handle and glancing back to her grandmother and Visha, she made a mental note that Visha had taken her place at her grandmother’s side and even now was holding the old woman’s arm to comfort her.

  Pushing her feelings of appreciation aside, Tanya turned the handle and opened the door.

  It hurt. It was all the same, like she was returning from another day at the office. But she wasn’t the same. The coat by the door was hung too high for her to unhook without a stool, and it was too big for her. That didn’t stop her from reaching over and running her hands down the fabric anyways. Reaching into the pocket she pulled the tin of mints she knew were there out and gave them a shake, hearing the familiar rattle, before putting it in her pocket to take with her.

  Stepping past the entryway she slipped off her shoes, moving forward in just her socks, her old slippers were now too big. She found herself stopping in the living room and just turned slowly looking this way and that. Not knowing where to start or even what to do now that she was here.

  Her original intention had been to recover some of her old stuff, mostly the coffee-making equipment, but now she didn’t know how to go about sifting through her old life. Instead, she just found herself roaming around the apartment touching things.

  She made her way over to her stereo system and turned on some orchestral music she enjoyed, setting the volume down low before finally making her way to the bedroom.

  After opening her closet and moving a lot of the clothes back and forth she realized that she couldn’t use any of them and she didn’t know what she was even doing. Eventually she just sat on her bed and stared out the window.

  Several minutes later, Visha came in and sat down beside her.

  “So, this was his apartment. It’s both just as I imagined and also so very different. Very utilitarian, but I was surprised by some of the personal touches. I wasn’t expecting the potted plant.”

  Tanya just leaned into her friend without answering.

  “It must be hard on you, I’m sorry for all you’ve lost.”

  After a while in the tiniest whisper Tanya responded.

  “I’m not…Coming here, it’s just…It was just so empty. My old life, what did I really have to show for it, what did I leave behind to remember me. This empty apartment has nothing, even that plant survived without me. I’m almost glad I…I’m glad I got to meet you and the others.”

  Tanya stood up rapidly after that, slapping her cheeks, she dusted off her gloomy mood and moved over to the window. Picking up the snake plant and the ugly clay pot it was in, she moved to return to the living room with her burden, a fierce determination entering her eyes.

  Finding her grandmother idly wiping the already clean kitchen counter, Tanya set the pot down in front of the woman, before moving to get a cup of water for the dying plant.

  “Grandma, Father would have wanted you to have this, he got the plant when he moved in, but the pot… He made that pot in his final year of middle school for Parents’ Day, but it didn’t turn out right and he was too ashamed to give it to you. Still, he kept it all these years for one reason or another. He couldn’t give it to you, but I can. You were a good mother, He always said so, and he was very proud to be called your son. He wouldn’t have kept it all these years for no reason, I think…Please take care of it for him.”

  Tanya poured the cup of water onto the plant and setting the now empty cup down, hugged her grandmother from behind.

  Everyone politely ignored the tears on Sonoko’s face as she pulled the pot towards her, wrapping it in both arms as the tears slowly rolled down her cheeks.

  Sometime later Tanya talked with her grandfather and grandmother asking if she could have some of her father’s possessions, like his laptop, coffee supplies and the book she had previously mentioned. After getting their agreement Tanya moved around the apartment collecting the objects she reasoned she would need and could store at the shelter. Moving to a secret nook and taking out a stack of emergency cash she had stored, she asked her grandfather what he wanted to do with it.

  He seemed surprised that she knew its location and looking at the amount asked her if she thought she could safely keep it at her current residence. Shaking her head in the negative, he took the majority of it, offering to open up a bank account in her name where he could start depositing funds for her.

  “Grandfather, will you keep the apartment? Even though it’s a bit difficult right now, I still don’t want to get rid of a place with so many memories. Plus, apartment values are only expected to increase in the future, and it would be a pity to throw away such a worthwhile investment for your and grandmother’s retirement.”

  “You don’t need to worry about us Tanya, your grandma and I are fine. But I will keep the apartment around, who knows you might need it yourself in the future and it always looks good during engagement talks when you have a house in your name.”

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  Once again Tanya was surprised at how well things seemed to be working out for her. Choosing to ignore that last statement and taking one last look around the apartment before they left, she then turned her back on the empty rooms and closed the door on that part of herself for good.

  She suddenly had the distinct feeling that she didn’t want to go back to working in HR. Stunned at the sudden realization, Tanya pondered in confusion, asking herself. What do I want to do with my life now?

  ~

  Sonoko watched as her stern-faced granddaughter became even more subdued as they rode the elevator up to their son’s apartment. She wanted to comfort the girl but found herself equally subdued, beset by memories and feelings from the past.

  Still, she made an effort to stand beside the girl and was pleased when little Tanya slipped her clammy hand into hers.

  Then they arrived at the apartment, and she left her side to go open the door with Grandpa, leaving her alone behind as she neared the doorway. That is until Visha dear slipped beside her and took hold of her arm. Stunned, Sonoko froze for a moment until a warm tender feeling replaced the cold dread that had slowly been building as they neared the shell of her son’s life. Gently patting the young girl’s arm, Sonoko accepted the sentiment and moved into the apartment after her granddaughter. Her little Tanya had found a good friend, she thought.

  It was obvious little Tanya had some deep sentiments and memories of the space. From the tender way she brushed her son’s coat, and the easy manner in which she knew where the treats inside were stored. She even shook the box to check the contents in the way her son used to.

  It was heartwarming to see the girl’s familiarity with the space. She moved about turning on music and touching this and that. But it was also heart breaking as well. It was clear that despite her physical familiarity with everything in the apartment, mentally her little one was lost, like she too could tell that there was something missing from the rooms, and no amount of turning on lights would drive back the gloom.

  Busying herself with tidying up, Sonoko allowed the girl some time to herself to reminisce and grieve.

  Seiji had done as he usually did and just stood by the bookcase looking through the books.

  Sometime later the two girls came out of the bedroom, Tanya with a wilted plant in her hands. She dropped the potted plant on the counter before her and moved over to the sink while saying.

  “Grandma, Father would have wanted you to have this, he got the plant when he moved in, but the pot… He made that pot in his final year of middle school for Parents’ Day, but it didn’t turn out right and he was too ashamed to give it to you. Still, he kept it all these years for one reason or another. He couldn’t give it to you, but I can. You were a good mother, He always said so, and he was very proud to be called your son. He wouldn’t have kept it all these years for no reason, I think…Please take care of it for him.”

  Sonoko looked down at the poor wilted leaves and dry, cracked dirt sitting inside a gray-blue glazed clay pot that had clearly been done by amateur hands. Gently she rand her fingers over the kanji for nurture that had been carved into its surface, noticing the flaws in the strokes making up the character. The kind of mistakes she would have overly criticized before, now she was just grateful to have anything from her son, especially a gift meant for her, made by his own hands.

  Tilting the pot back slightly to expose the bottom, she read the characters carved there.

  ‘Dear mom, thank you for always supporting me

  —Soto.’

  Sonoko set the pot down, as her son’s only child poured water into it. After she was done Sonoko slowly pulled the pot towards herself, wrapping it in her arms, as she too was wrapped in the arms of her granddaughter.

  ~

  Seiji watched that little bit of drama in the kitchen unfold with complicated feelings in his heart. His wife had been hurt deeply by the death of their son. As all parents should, they both greatly mourned the death of their son, but his Koko had been blaming herself greatly for mistakes they had both made when raising the boy.

  Seiji had his own demons to face when it came to taking responsibility for the past, but it’s not like their actions had killed their son. No, that blame lay squarely on another. All this self-blame and reflection only served to make sure they didn’t repeat those same mistakes with the jewel that had been left in their care.

  Little Tanya had come over to stand by his side at the bookcase while he was lost in his musings. She stood there patiently, silently, waiting for him to recognize her presence and acknowledge her. Just like her father had always done.

  “Yes, Tanya?”

  “Here it is, Grandfather.”

  Reaching up she grabbed a book that had been given a special area of the bookshelf, with various mementos and photos taking up most of the shelf, and only a few other tomes stacked with the one Tanya pulled out.

  “This is the book Father said he would give to me when I got older. Do you mind if I take it.”

  Seiji felt his voice crack as he began to speak, coughing to clear his throat, he finished.

  “No—ahem—No, you can take it, I’m sure he would have wanted you to have it.”

  “Thank you, Grandfather.”

  She bowed to him, and all Seiji could think in that moment was how shameless his wife had been for letting the girl hug and comfort her for so long. Tisk!

  Still, thinking of the book, he had to turn away as he began to reminisce on the time, he had given his son that same book when he had entered university and left the house for good. A gift from father to son, and now from father to daughter. He only wished he would be sufficient enough to stand in his son’s place for all the things his daughter would need.

  ~

  “That’s it! You know what we all need. A Bath! After dinner, let’s go pick up your friend Momo-chan and go have us a nice soak. Does that sound good?”

  Tanya felt her eyes light up at her grandmother’s words and she nearly rushed to agree but stopped to take the time to explain to Visha the words she was struggling to understand and was currently repeating under her breath.

  “Yes, that sounds wonderful, we haven’t had ourselves a good bath in ages, the shelter only has showers. Theres one nearby the shelter, and I hear they have pretty deep pools.”

  “Alright, sounds like a plan, step on it Grandpa.”

  ~

  Some time later Tanya found herself sinking into the depths of an incredibly hot relaxing pool beside her grandmother. Visha plopped in next to her not long later, handing each of them one of the water bottles she and Momo had gone for.

  Tanya wiggled her toes back and forth as she slowly leaned back and rested her head against the rim of the pool. Rolling up her hand towel up she stuffed it between her head and the tiles making herself more comfortable. Letting the heat penetrate her muscles and bones, Tanya felt years of cramps from crouching in trenches begin to slowly come loose.

  She was only able to relax quietly like that for a few minutes before the shenanigans of the two children beside her broke her out of her meditation. Water splashed her in the face as she caught collateral damage from Visha and Momo’s little battle. Glaring over at the two she was just about to put a stop to it when her grandma engaged her in conversation.

  The two spoke for a few minutes before somehow Tanya ended up in her grandmother’s lap as she practiced various braids in her hair. She would try out one style then ask for Visha’s or Momo’s comment on it, before combing it out with her fingers and trying another style. Getting the opinions of some of the other old women in the bath that she had been making friendly with.

  Tanya let the gentle scalp massage relax her further and slowly found herself nodding off between styles.

  ~

  Sonoko stopped running her fingers through her granddaughter’s hair as she felt the girl nod off more deeply this time. She looked and acted so much like her Soto when he was still young enough to let her hold him in the bath. She never thought she would get to have the experience ever again. But here she was, bathing with her granddaughter and laughing with her friends.

  However, her eyes couldn’t help but return to the horrid scars on her dear one’s body time and again. She had forced herself to hold back her shock and horror when she had first seen them on the girl, while they were cleaning themselves, and then had to do so again when Visha-chan joined them. The two’s scarring was eerily similar, as if they had been through the same or similar experience. It further cemented her thoughts about the strange bond the two shared.

  Sonoko had to keep reminding herself not to linger on the pale marks while scrubbing little Tanya’s back, lest she upset the girl. One day she hoped to be able to comfortably talk with her about them, but maybe some things were better left unsaid for good. She could only further commit herself to providing a nice life going forward for the two of them.

  ~

  Tanya was gently shaken awake not long later by her grandmother, after realizing where she had fallen asleep, she nearly felt embarrassed before recognizing the tender look in her grandma’s eyes.

  “Come Hime-chan, we can’t stay in water this hot much longer. Plus, it’s nearly curfew for you girls.”

  Tanya nodded and made her way out of the water with the rest of them and began drying off. Dressed, they met up with her grandfather and taking the offered electrolyte drink from him, Tanya took a swig of the cold liquid, feeling incredibly refreshed at that moment.

  Back in their room the three had just settled in, when Visha loudly stated in rough Japanese.

  “I cannot shower in future after that, oh I miss baths very much.”

  Tanya took the time to correct her friend and further agreed.

  “Yeah, your right, that soak relaxed muscles that I didn’t even know were still tight.”

  Looking up at Momo who was now trying to teach Visha some verbs, Tanya had a thought that she immediately rejected. However, her analytical mind replayed some of the advice that the shrink had given her about helping her, “hypothetical friend.” Gritting her teeth but ultimately deciding to trust her gut and follow through with the idea, Tanya addressed her friends.

  “Hey, girls, I have an idea.”

  And that was how three mattresses found their way next to each other on the floor. Needless to say, not much sleep was had that night, and they had their wall banged on twice from the room next door.