Egbert watched Max leave with a full coin purse and reluctantly turned to look at the shambles two of his rooms were currently in. The green menace had done an absolute number on them, shattering paths through the loot bug playground, and the less said about him cheating in the loot pit, the better. What kind of idiot savant just pushes the key in, boulder still attached and all, after throwing away coins to distract a ghost?

  Thrognar was a pleasant enough, if incredibly confusing, source of income, and if Egbert was being honest with himself, the obvious lack of greed the warrior had was refreshing. It made it waaay easier for him to extract coins from him in the future since he wasn’t clutching at his purse strings like most of these cheap bastards.

  Could have bought more loot bugs, but noooo… have to clean up after my guests… Egbert quickly reformed the pillars and arches for the loot bugs; this time he willed it to be a denser stone more resistant to impacts. He had no idea if it worked, but it had cost more, so probably?

  Then he grumbled his way into the loot pit room. And how the hells do I get that out of the pit? He stared angrily at the boulder sitting dead center. He knew how to get it out; he just didn’t want to spend the remodel cost. Egbert flinched watching his horde spiral down as he moved the boulder back to its spot and fused it to the floor this time. He went down into the pit to clean up the cracked stairs and hack marks all over the place when the glimmer of metal stopped him dead in his "tracks."

  Egbert looked in sheer disbelief at the small, finely crafted platinum horse toy. It must have fallen from Thrognar’s coin purse while he fought the reaper. Oh no, sweet Thrognar forgot his beloved toy! I need to put that somewhere safe for him! Egbert dramatically activated [Gimme The Gold!]. Oops, well, Thrognar, sacrifices need to be made in life to get what you want!

  Egbert finished cleaning up while his total slowly spiraled up and up. Eventually he just stopped and watched the numbers tick upwards. Huh...that might have actually been a family heirloom or something that HAD to be pure platinum.

  [Copper 5] [Silver 4] [Gold 1]

  Egbert practically cackled as he began a slightly unhealthy shopping spree. Oh, I couldn’t...what kind of monster would paywall an easy mode to a dungeon room…

  Firstly, he went to the hole in the wall that connected the loot bug playground and the loot pit. He made an airlock-like chamber between the two. He bought a pair of generic shitty doors; they were only two copper each. And slotted them in to make it a self-contained room. He had plans for those later, but for now this would work to solidly separate sight lines.

  [Copper 0] [Silver 4] [Gold 1]

  Next he sorted through the toll items category until he found what he was looking for.

  [Basic Remote On/Off Paywall] [Silver 4]

  Getting fancy now, aren’t we? This lets you extract coins from those poor bastards more efficiently, allowing traps and hazards to be turned off from a distance for the right price. This one is a basic bitch, so you get just on and off, but I'm sure you can get creative with that…

  Why, why does that cost so much!! Egbert felt like he was being robbed by the unnecessarily pithy system, but he bought it anyway. Setting it dead center into the airlock chamber. It was a very simple metal rectangle with a small toggle knob on it. He put a large, unmissable stone placard behind it to show what the settings did. Up was “Hard mode, included for free with entrance!” Down was “I choose life! Four silvers, all denominations accepted, no change.” That ought to do it.

  [Gold 1]

  Egbert went into the loot pit room and bought a single, very cost-effective trap to attach to the easy/hard mode switch.

  [Flame Lobber] (1 Silver)

  Lazily just kind of tosses about fireballs about as dangerous as a first-year magic academy student who just told his classmates, "Hold my ale and watch this."

  He put it dead center over the top of the loot pit, like the evil inverse of a fire sprinkler some of the fanciest manors had. Alright, there we go, so it's simple really, folks; just a couple coins or the sticky oil-covered loot pit will have fireballs lobbed around at random, and I'm certain that would be a bad time for everyone involved. Except contempt—I bet contempt would love watching you idiots barbecue yourselves. He would probably host some tiny dark ritual over your smoldering remains…

  This story originates from a different website. Ensure the author gets the support they deserve by reading it there.

  [Silver 9]

  Alright, now back to the loot bug playground! I still haven’t done a damn thing with the back half of the room. He went down into the trap that took over the back half of the room, the platforms rising above as reminders that your dumb ass just fell off the most basic platform challenge a baby dungeon could come up with on a budget. Alright, let's monetize and incentivize getting out of this trap!

  Egbert sorted through a rather fun category of moving terrain pieces just under the umbrella of dungeon décor for some inexplicable reason. Then he kept on going until he got to the pay-to-use versions. It really seemed like his store was deep sighing and just adding iterations of everything with a coin slot included at this point, but that couldn’t be right… It was being a dick about it, though, and still counting it as dungeon décor.

  [Cheapskates Retractable Ladder] (silver 1)

  You could use this as an awesome way for delvers to reach hidden treasures, but we know you won’t; you are going to make it an obvious pay-to-win solution to a problem you engineered…. It's a ladder; you put in coins, and it becomes more laddery.

  [Coin-locked magical staircase] (Silver 3)

  Please don’t make me make a second description for every single item in the store that includes “but it does nothing until you feed it coins.” This is a magical floating staircase great for that mysterious magic vibe...unfortunately this folds itself into a useless, dejected pile...until you feed it coins.

  Egbert refused to acknowledge the extra pithy comments from the store. He bought two ladders, placing one in the pit right at the start and the second so it would extend up to one of the middle platforms. If I keep having to buy from new categories, I'm never going to unlock the next damn level of anything in the store. At least Loot and Toll are getting close!

  Actually, let's see where I'm at on that! Egbert pulled up his dungeon status.

  [Greed]

  [Threat: Confusing But Overall Negligible]

  [Wealth: Technically Taxable]

  [Influence: Local curiosity]

  [Store Progress]

  [Toll Items 6 Silver / 1 Gold] (lvl 1)

  [Mimics 4 Copper / 1 Gold] (lvl 1)

  [Dungeon Loot 5.6 Silver / 1 Gold] (lvl 1)

  [Hazards 2.5 Silver / 1 Gold] (lvl 1)

  [Containers 2 Silver / 1 Gold] (lvl 1)

  [Monsters 3 Silver/1 Gold] (lvl 1)

  [Dungeon Decor: “Coin slots don’t magically make it a damn toll item.” 2 Silver/1 Gold](lvl1)

  [Notable Features]

  [Abnormally Hostile Loot Items]

  [30 Percent Chance Of Sterilization Via Blunt Force Trauma]

  Hoard: [7 Silver]

  No need to be so unkind, system…and why, by all the gods, are Mimics in their own category? Hmm! Do they not count as monsters to you? Egbert looked towards Buyer's Remorse and his glorious kill count total of one dude's pinky finger. Maybe you have a point there, but it still seems unnecessarily picky.

  Egbert quit his grumbling; he had a choice to make. He still needed something in the trap pit for people to be scared enough of to pay to get out instead of just waiting for someone to throw down a rope. Lava? No, too far in the murdery direction, and I know I haven't unlocked that yet; spikes will just give Grandpa a target to aim for… Probably some kind of really unpleasant monster would be my best bet...or... Egbert shuffled the store back to one he had really wanted earlier that would certainly keep this room on theme.

  [Loot Bug Bully](8 Silver)

  You took his brothers for their shells; now he's going to take your shit and probably beat the hell out of you. He will mostly leave adventurers alone after they are broke, bruised, and thoroughly embarrassed. Powered by spite and armored with the, well, armor of their enemies, these things are tough but rarely lethal. I said rarely lethal before, but based on the attitude problems your NORMAL loot bugs have gotten after a few days, this thing might well end up a man-eater in under a week.

  Awww, the system added an addendum to the description just for little old me. Dammit, I'm still one coin short. I guess I could... Egbert’s building frenzy was interrupted by a stampede of guests onto his front porch hooting and a hollering in excitement. He zoomed over and suddenly really wished he hadn’t.

  Jeb and Tammy had indeed come back, and in greater numbers. Egbert's porch was crowned with an eclectic mix that scared him more than a little. The twins had returned along with what he assumed were their parents, because well... All four of them looked eerily similar, with the same hair color and the same mid-ear length on the hair matching overalls that must have been made at the same time. Each even had a matching lunchbox strapped to their backs, and between the four of them, they had enough fishing lures spilling out of their overalls to wage war upon even the pickiest of fish.

  The other two newcomers were nightmare fuel of the most confusing order. In Egbert's time of travels, he had met many people and seen wonders and horrors others only heard of in legends. None of that prepared Him for the sheer what-the-fuck-am-I-looking-at that was Grandma and Grandpa.

  The old man moved like his bones needed to be oiled; his wrinkles looked like they had given up on being wrinkles and just graduated to sticking to his shallow cheekbones uncomfortably tightly. The man looked like a goblin that had been stretched out a few times and put into a human costume. That wasn’t even the worst bit about Grandpa; he didn’t walk here—no, he arrived on a mount.

  The creature he was riding was hog-like in general shape except it had gills up its neck and long lashing tentacles spilling from its snuffling snout. A half dozen eyes were splattered across its weirdly smushed face haphazardly with no rhyme nor reason. And the old man had his hands holding a pair of the vile tentacles like they were a horse's bridle.

  The grandma wasn’t much better; she had the same impressively powerful build Tammy did, if it had been eroded by what had to be eons of fishing and outdoor living that turned the woman into more of a monolith of matronly energy and unknowable wisdom than should be possible. It also didn’t help that she was dressed in full druidic attire.

  Grandma’s robe was a fascinating living thing made of kelp and river grasses that shifted around wetly on their own with her every movement. An honest-to-gods river eel was wrapped around her neck like the world's bitiest scarf. And she wielded a staff of bone that Egbert was sure was constructed from thousands of fish skeletons somehow forged together into a staff that oozed a slightly briny power.

  What did I do in my past life that was so bad? Like, really, system, what did I do to deserve this as my most loyal customer base? I can’t tell if these people are going to become my most important guests or try and sacrifice me to a patch of trembling pond scum and hope it brings their god back.

  Jeb turned to the old man. “Pappy This is it! The mages challenge”

  The old man chortled to himself so hard he spiraled into a coughing fit that Egbert was certain was the man dying for a second. Pappy sat up slightly straighter in his saddle, calming his cackling laughter after it nearly killed him, and finally managing to respond in a voice that had far, far too much excitement behind it for a man that age, “Jeb, my favorite idiot grandchild, tell me what you know about dungeons!”

  Dammit! The elders are far back enough in the bloodline that the family wreath hadn’t scrambled their brains. I might be in danger. Egbert eyed the probably eldritch druidess warily as the family put their first coin into the front door.