Chapter 14

  Castaway

  My hair blows into my face as I trudge across the bcktop, it still smells like apples. The wind has picked up a bit since Tara and I walked to CrunchBucks. Sugar sticks between my fingers uncomfortably as cold penetrates my palm from the Strawberry monstrosity that Casey always loves. Two paper bags dangle from my other hand as The Folded Corner grows rger. I feel less like a friend or customer and more like an invader.

  Brian exits the store the moment my boot hits the curb. He carries a step stool and a bucket of chalk markers that rattle with each step. There’s a faint daze to his eyes and a particur smell to him that just screams: wake and bake.

  “Hey-“ my hand squeezes around the strawberry gift in my hand. This is so stupid. Spit it out. “Brian I want to bribe you with a bagel to let me in the shop early because I want to see Casey but not bother her and I brought her coffee and a bear cw again because-“ my lungs revolt and I’m forced to draw a breath.

  He drops the step stool to his feet and sets the bucket right on top. “What fvor?” He asks with raised eyebrows.

  “Everything with cream cheese. Toasted.” I say firmly and hold up the paper bags, shaking them in his face.

  He gently takes the front bag from my hand and unfolds the top with a crinkle. A smile grows across his face when he takes a deep smell inside the bag. “I would’ve let you in for free. Bad deal on your end.” He holds the door open for me and I step inside.

  I wipe my boots on the welcome mat, brushing off imaginary dust and mud from the bcktop. The book store feels far less humid than outside, it smells like paper and desiccated homework. I stomp my way to the clerk desk, my steps echo through the empty space in a way that rattles my thoughts. I slide Casey’s sticky coffee onto her station. I’d swear I could smell a hint of vanil.

  I miss you

  Have a nice day :)

  My hand shakes on the ‘m’ and my heart thrums against my ribs like an overcaffeinated squirrel. Don’t be a creeper, just go read in the corner. My stomps turn to shuffling steps as I disappear into an aisle of hardcover cook books. I drag my knuckles along the spines like a xylophone as I walk.

  Solid cook books turn into flimsy ‘How To’ books, they flex beneath my knuckles instead of rattle. I wonder if there’s a ‘How To Not Be An Idiot For Dummies’. The chest high racks of books go on for quite a while. I end up in the romance section. Glossy covers with chiseled men and women stare back at me and I cringe. They say: it’s so easy in the books, just do it. I roll my eyes at my own thoughts.

  Finally I settle in a small cubby-like section, metal wire racks of manga and light novels line either side of the alcove. One in particur catches my eye. Rough carpet grips my boots awkwardly as I sit down on the floor with the first volume of Chainsaw Man. My muscles rex as the scent of a freshly printed book enters my space.

  The whisper quiet of the book store is uncomfortable, it might as well be a construction site. Fluorescent lights buzz above me like mosquitos. My eyes keep darting to the open entrance to my secluded cave of manga. Distractions despite the stillness in the air, the quiet on the ground. I close Chainsaw Man and drag my thumb across the embossed cover and feel the small dips where the letters reside at the top. I’m so fucking bored.

  Just for a moment I think I can muster the courage to tell Casey how I feel. I draw my feet up under me and pnt them on the floor, a firm kick and I’m walking toward the front. She doesn’t want to see me. I turn on my heel and head deeper into the store, past the best sellers, past the coloring books, and into the depths of the toy section.

  Situated in an even quieter corner of the store are racks of plushies and shelves of die-cast cars, boxes of building blocks and those magnetic ring and bead games from the dentist office. I opt for a bck bear plushie about the size of a German Shepherd. I crouch on the floor and feel the bear. It’s rather soft and extremely fuzzy. Its beady eyes are unsettling despite the kind smile embroidered under its snout. That’s not where a bear would smile.

  “Ill call you Beau. Beau the bear.” I say to the bear before gncing around to see if anyone heard me. “Mr.Beau”

  “What’s up, Brooke? Do you want to learn how to stop forest fires, or would you rather talk about our feelings?” I speak in a low gravely voice while fpping the bear's arm.

  “Oh I would love to learn about stopping forest fires, Mr. Beau the Bear” I reply to the inanimate fluffy bear.

  “That’s too damn bad, if I tell you about forest fires then my asshole brother Smokey The Bear will sue me. Let’s talk about our feelings” says Beau while getting very animated about his brother Smokey.

  I’m going fucking insane.

  “Mr. Beau, I don’t want to talk about my feelings, I want to learn how to stop forest fires!”

  “Have you not heard of a cease and desist letter?” I say for Beau while fpping both of his arms wildly

  “Brooke?” The voice is shrill and has a tone of mild concern.

  I don’t turn around. I don’t move. I don’t even breathe.

  “T- thanks for breakfast the st couple days… are you okay? S- should I call someone?” Casey asks nervously behind me.

  I bury my face in Beau the bear as the blush creeps down my face, I feel it arrive at my neck, and flow down to my chest. God? Kill me now.

  “Anytime, Casey.” My words are muffled by Mr.Beau’s belly.

  I dare to remove my face from the stuffed bear and carefully turn my head to see Casey. She stands in front of me, hands behind her back, terrified concern pstered on her face.

  “Your face is a little red…”

  I nod “it is indeed.” I roughly pat the bear a couple of times “just uh… pying. Not crazy. Not that kind of crazy at least.”

  An awkward silence grows between us, punctured only by the soft sound of me patting the bear's belly.

  “I like your hoodie” she says with a soft smile that melts my tension

  “Thanks…It’s mauve.”

  “That’s far too bright, that’s more of a fuschia”

  “That’s what I told Tara!”

  Casey lets out a giggle. I can’t help but smile.

  “You don’t smile very often, I like when you do though.”

  A beat of silence passes over us before Casey takes a tentative step forward. Her fingernails scratch at her jeans anxiously before she steps her way to a nearby table to drag over two chairs. Her steps are soft, light even. Not loud, not abrupt, not heavy. Not like mine. Everything about Casey is very unlike me. She pces the two chairs facing each other just a few feet away. She sits in one and waves me over expectantly. Her lips curl in a way that tells me she's trying not to scare me off. You’re not a child Brooke, go sit with her.

  I climb to my feet and pull Beau to my chest like a fuzzy shield. My rear nds on the chair with a thud, it’s lower than I expected it to be. Goliath, meet David.

  “I just-”

  “I just-”

  “Sorry-”

  “Sorry-”

  “You can-”

  “You can-”

  Casey puts her hand up in the air, ending our mirroring. That damn smile is still teasing her lips, making me melt. Casey leans forward, her hand reaching out and nding on the bear’s snout. Her nails are painted purple today. She pulls it from my p and sets it in hers. Exposed. My hands feel empty with no bear, no shield, no walls. They dive into the darkness of my pockets like a groundhog at the end of winter.

  “I have the talking stick, I’ll go first.” She says while shaking Beau in her p.

  “Okay, good idea.”

  She chews on her cheek while she looks at Beau the bear, her hands clench and unclench around its arms before she speaks. “I was moving too fast-”

  I cut her off “You didn’t-”

  She rattles the bear at me like she’s warding off a spirit in a haunted house. I shut my mouth.

  “I have the talking stick, not you.” her tone has a firmness that’s unfamiliar coming from her, but not uncomfortable. “I was moving too fast, I made you uncomfortable.”

  It was me! You didn’t do anything wrong!

  “It wasn’t right for me to act the way I did.”

  You didn’t do anything wrong, stop!

  “I’m very sorry for putting you in a situation you weren’t prepared for or were uncomfortable with.”

  My eyes sting like I’m staring at the sun as she continues to apologize. I slide off my chair and nd on my knees on the carpet. The rough texture grates against my hands and knees as I crawl over to Casey, I y one hand on her knee and gently pull Beau from her p. My eyes have gone from stinging to burning, my vision blurs with the threat of tears. Casey’s stupid blue eyes look down into mine, her expression is difficult to read. An odd mix of surprise and worry, maybe a bit of sadness.

  “I l- I li-” I Take a shaky breath “I enjoy spending time with you please don’t ever apologize to me again”

  One of Casey’s hands slides over mine before nding on the bear's face. She leans in closer and speaks even more firmly than before.

  “I have the talking bear, Brooke.”

  She pulls the bear from my grasp and all I can think about is that damn vanil pouring off of her, the way she’s happy to tell me about her day. The way her smile fixes any bad day at CrunchBucks. The fact that she’s still wearing my ring. I lean back and sit on my heels looking up at her while my heart threatens to leap from my ribs. In the absence of the bear, my hands find soce in the hold of one another while I listen intently.

  “Brooke, I like you a lot. I’m not going to pretend I don’t.” She leans back in her chair “If you ‘enjoy spending time’ with me, then we are doing this differently. I won’t bel anything, and you’ll try not to hide from me.”

  I wipe my face and nod. Tears darken the uncomfortably bright hoodie sleeves.

  “Another thing” She leans closer again “Tara doesn’t make my coffee anymore, she uses too much caramel.”

  A ugh bubbles out of me and the tension in my spine melts just a little.