I was a young child, no older than three years old. My wear was a dress.

  The towering yet gentle figure of my dear mother was next to me. She also wore a dress similar to mine.

  I held her hand and we walked around the mansion’s garden, viewing and smelling the endless flowers.

  The wind made my mother’s long blond hair sway. She was more dazzling than the sun itself!

  We toured around the garden for an unknown amount of time.

  My laughter was the only sound. No birds were singing. We didn’t meet anyone from the staff during my walk with my mother. It was only the two of us.

  I became tired and bored and stretched my arms towards my mother.

  She gently embraced me and lifted me, holding me tight.

  I smiled at her and leaned on her, enjoying every precious moment with her.

  Mother walked with me in her arms to the pond. We entered the small wooden structure in the middle of the pond and she set me down on a wooden chair.

  The table before me had two teacups filled with tea and chocolate biscuits on a plate – my favourite treat when I was little.

  I gluttonously started eating and drinking tea. Yet, no matter how much I ate or drank, there was still more. The cup was always full and the biscuits had no end.

  My mother elegantly sat and watched me, her facial features distorted. Only her bright smile was visible.

  Was the sun blinding me? Why is the smile the only thing I’m able to see? I must be tired from the earlier walk.

  After the brief break, everything will come back to me. It surely will.

  I wish I could spend time with my mother like this forever.

  Why do I feel like something is amiss?

  My arms started trembling. Something was off, but I didn’t know what. It must be important. I must remember…

  My mother touched my shaking left hand and started petting me. Her movements made me forget my worries and calmed me down.

  I was too young to worry about such troubles. Father and Mother will take care of them. I will be the best daughter ever to thank them for their care!

  I relaxed and took another bite from the sandwiches in front of me.

  Everything is fine. Everything is right. Everything is as it should have been.

  “Wake up.”

  A thunder sounded.

  I looked up but saw only the blue sky and the bright sun.

  From where did the thunder come? Why did it sound so unusual for thunder? It felt like it talked to me…

  I looked at my mother for reassurance. Yet, her warm smile was gone and her emerald eyes looked sad. She was clenching her fists.

  “Wake up!” another thunder, but the noise was becoming stronger, more urgent and clearer.

  How could I wake up from such a beautiful dream about my mother? How could I go back to the harsh reality when I’m in such bliss?

  Mother looked up and resolved herself.

  The wind made the trees sway and the water in the pond became violent.

  The sky, which had been blue just a moment ago, had become darker and grey, and dark clouds were approaching us.

  My mother spoke, her tone ringing like bells. A tone so soft and gentle, yet one I barely remember. Was my mother’s voice like this?

  “You should go, my little one. We shouldn’t meet anymore. The living mustn’t speak with the dead, even in their dreams. By now, you don’t remember my voice and my appearance is hazy for you. And that is fine, my dear bairn. I shouldn’t be a concern for you.”

  I don’t want to leave, but hearing my mother say such a thing to me filled my eyes with tears.

  “What are you talking about, mother? I… I want to stay with you! I want to be with you, my kind mother, the person I admire and want to be when I grow up! All my efforts to be kind, to help others and to save my country from the moral decline were all so I could be closer to you!”

  “That is very bad of you, my little naughty girl. I died because of my kindness. Even if you don’t want to admit it, Raven or whatever his name was is right. What he told you a while ago and when he advised you to go back, he was right.”

  “Why are you telling me this, mother?”

  The tears in my eyes already slid towards my cheeks. Why is my happy dream making me cry?

  “What is it?” I heard another thunder.

  The dark clouds were slowly approaching.

  Deep down, I knew the thunder was conveying to me something important, but I didn’t want to listen to it. I didn’t want anything to interfere during my intimate time with my mother!

  My mother smiled at me. In fact, the only thing I could vividly remember was her smile and her eyes. Her gentle, kind, warm smile.

  I remembered her gentle, kind, lovable emerald eyes. She always gazed at me with such love and warmth.

  The older servants often told me I looked like my mother. My hair, my beauty, my kindness – they were like my mother’s.

  I was a mirror to my mother. Only my eye colour came from my father.

  “Is that your boyfriend?” my mother asked me and we saw a memory of a grumpy, nonchalant, sadistic man with black hair, numerous blood spots describing his dangerousness the best.

  “No! He is just a bad person whom I use for my own selfish reasons! I cannot be in love with such a monster!” I sulked, denying any romantic interest towards Raven.

  Not that I was any better than he was. In fact, only I knew my crimes. I was no less of a monster than he was. Maybe this is why, after rationalising his actions, I accepted them.

  I accepted him and permitted him to travel with us, knowing that he was a joker.

  I was certain I could find a way to make him obey, but it was harder than I thought.

  “Even when you are this old, my sprog, you still are acting this childish. Has your father never told you about the relationships between a man and a woman?”

  I shook my head.

  “About the birds and the bees?”

  I again shook my head.

  “What has your father been doing in my absence? Well, not that you needed him to explain it. You already know it well enough, don’t you? From the experience and the feeling, don’t you? It makes me so happy to know you have grown so much, yet it makes me a bit sad I missed so many years of your upbringing. I missed so many important moments of your life.”

  Claps of thunder started roaring in the sky. This time, there were no words, just gibberish.

  “What are you trying to tell me, mother?”

  “Love is a strange thing. It took years for the love between your father and me to develop before we got together and decided to have you.”

  “I’m yet to experience pure love.”

  “I have to disagree with that. Stop lying to yourself. You should tell him how you feel. Your true feelings and the reason why you want him.”

  “No matter what I say to him, he won’t return them. The woman with deep black eyes is all he thinks about. I can tell! He spoke with such warmth and longing when it came to her! How can I even compare to her?! I, a stranger he has known for mere months, compared to a person he knows so well? Even when he fucked me, he showed little to no care, pushing deeper and harder, ignoring my pain! My body was the sole thing he saw! Not me! Only the pleasure my body provided! I could tell…”

  “What about it? You also enjoyed it quite a lot, didn’t you? You don’t want him to love you, do you? You only require his strength. With him by your side, you will be able to achieve your goals.”

  “I know, mother. I know I never looked for a lover. I never dedicated myself to looking for a person to spend my entire life with, building a family together in mutual understanding and love. I don’t have time for that… I want it. I really do want it, but… revenge must come first. I don’t want to lose important people again. Your death already scarred me for my entire life… If my body is enough to keep him, then he can have it. He can use it however he wants. This is not love. This is a transaction.”

  “You must know that his price is high, even more so for his loyalty. Your body might not be enough. Even so, you desire him no less. With him doing the dirty work, you can continue to pretend to be the kind, gentle, good person you strive to be. He’ll do all the dirty work for you, the work you refuse to admit doing. He’ll be the necessary evil, if I may dare say so, while you – the saint.”

  “…”

  The endless thunder stopped for a moment.

  “Now, after you realised your body wouldn’t be enough, you are attempting to win his heart over first. After you get him to be with you, you will show your rotten desires inside you. With this one, it should be the opposite. Have him know your worst first and then allow him to have a taste of you. Before you know it, you will have significant power and something in your womb. Doing such interactions often leads to pregnancy. You are no saint. Neither is he. Both of you are sinners, with different darknesses behind you. I think you might suit each other.”

  “What is happening with Mary? Why is she still asleep?” a clear thunder roared.

  “Is she crying again in her sleep? This is bad!” another familiar thunder followed soon after.

  Crying again in my sleep? Have I done something like this before?

  Another memory came. It was a young, expressionless girl in a dress. She was in a place she didn’t know, where she didn’t belong. An old man wanted to take her away and rape her.

  Then the girl became older. She just got out of the bath, her clumsiness in hiding her body parts with the bath towel apparent. The visible skin showed that her body is scarred with numerous wounds.

  Finally, she and I – looking at a mirror. She was in a neat dress, blushing.

  I remember that memory. I forced her to wear a light dress on a summer day. She lamented it was too exposed, too good for someone like her.

  She kept denying she liked girly stuff, but I knew she desired to know everything about them.

  To me, Lily is…

  “Is that your best friend? The ‘Lily’ that is always around you? The object of hatred you got used to loving and needing in your life? Or just a simple toy you use to bully to calm yourself?”

  This content has been unlawfully taken from Royal Road; report any instances of this story if found elsewhere.

  “Yes, mother. She is a ‘Lily’. A person who was a victim of the nobles, due to us. She is the person whom I pity the most, yet rely on her and hate. With her by my side, I’ll never forget my goals. No matter how wrong they are. No matter how impossible they may be. Yet, all the years I spent with her… I cannot give up!”

  “Why is that? Revenge is the last thing I desire from you. I only want to know you are safe and sound, living your life happily, smiling and loving. My only wish is for you to be well. I never wanted you to seek his life in retribution.”

  “I cannot forgive that bastard for killing you! I cannot forgive them for taking you away from me! Why… why I, the biological child of yours… Why didn’t you interact with me more? You and Father were always busy with that stupid project, ignoring your daughter, who needed you! Both of you betrayed me!”

  “You also must understand that desiring to destroy them is equivalent to desiring to destroy my legacy. I spend half my life on the project. I found my lover there. My last moments were there.”

  “How different might I have been were you to have spent more time with me instead of interacting with them. They took away my mother. How can I not hate them? How can I not hate Lily when she is one of them?!”

  The dark clouds blocked the sun. They were above our heads.

  “Is she a friend to you or a curse that keeps you moving forward?”

  “Again? Has she done that before?” a thunder roared next to me.

  “Very few times. She should wake up soon,” another thunder.

  The two claps of thunder sounded distressed, with a hint of annoyance in the first one.

  “From the start, she was a curse to me. A curse that, before I knew, has become a significant part of my life, my best friend. A person whom I’d like to be happy. Yet at the same time…”

  “Keep going. Take your time. Time flows differently here.”

  “When I think about the reasons why you died… I cannot help but blame her! I know she never volunteered to be a ‘Lily’! I know she suffered greatly! I know only you were kind to the Generation you led! I know I can’t imagine all the horrible things done to her and the rest of them! And yet! I cannot find it in me to forgive her! Her punishment is being with such a mess of a Mistress like me! It’s the least and biggest punishment my heart allowed me to give her.”

  “Say it all. I will listen to you.”

  “I try to understand her. I really do… But I could never tell her that my family is the reason why she had to suffer that much. That I wanted to have her as an experiment! That I got attached to her… That I finally understood why my mother spent so much time with them. I fear she would hate me… That she would never want to see me. I cannot blame her if, after learning the truth, she would take revenge upon us.”

  “Then, my dear, why did you hide pieces of information about the project and its origins around the mansion’s library?”

  “How do you know that?”

  “It matters not.”

  “I… don’t know why I did it, mother! I don’t know…”

  “It was because you wanted her to know the truth. You wanted to see what you were for her. Did she only obey you because she was forced to? Or was she willing to be by your side for the person you were?”

  “…”

  “You should start admitting you appreciate her. She could have become a great ‘Lily’ were it not for your shackling her to serving you. I will ask you again: what is Lily to you?”

  I opened my mouth and let my heart speak in my stead.

  “She’s a dear friend of mine. Our bond might as well make her my little sister. I… since hearing about having a younger sibling, I always wanted to become an older sister…”

  “…”

  The thunder interrupted us again.

  “Rich and I will carry her. Make sure to look around and cover us.”

  It was time for the next memory. A muscular ginger-haired man and one with black hair, making sure the first doesn’t make many mistakes. They were inseparable as if they were close brothers.

  “What about those two noble boys? Are they some other friends of yours? What were their names? They don’t have Raven’s power, but either of them would do their utmost to help you. And unlike Raven, they can give you love, can they not?”

  “Leo and Rich. They are my childhood friends. We have known each other since we were little. Back then, I hated them. I often belittle them and pretend to be ignorant around them. Just recently, they managed to make me change my opinion of them.”

  “Why did you dislike them?”

  “I don’t know the full story, but their family was a few ranks lower than ours. They were future barons and I was the daughter of a marquess. They always tried to get my attention, always doing stupid things, trying to impress me.”

  “You met with them after my passing. You were pretty gloomy back then. Rarely even attempting to make a fake smile.”

  “Yes, I took your death very hard. There were days I didn’t speak with anyone.”

  “They had good intentions. They only wanted to make you smile. I see no reason for your dislike of them. After all, aren’t they with you even now? Haven’t you been friends with them for so long?”

  “They always failed in my eyes. While I was looking at them, I was wondering, ‘What were those morons doing? How about you make our society better rather than flirting with a six-year-old girl? I haven’t yet started liking the opposite sex!’ and the sort. Despite that, it’s as you have said: they are good friends of mine and ones with whom I’m sharing this life and death journey. A friend in need is a friend indeed…”

  “They like you? My adorable girl has captured the hearts of so many people! I’m delighted to know that even without me, there are people who care about you. People who want to make you happy. People who want to protect you and your smile.”

  “I only want them as friends. They lack the qualities I seek from my spouse. They aren’t good enough to have me as a mistress, let alone a marriage partner.”

  “That’s very harsh of you. You know their feelings, yet you chose to ignore them.”

  “It’s cruel indeed.”

  “Then why don’t you admit it? Why not break the illusion they have?”

  “I don’t know how to do it. I fear that after they realise that I know how they feel and my rejection, they’ll stop being my friends.”

  “Is that the reason why you started acting more intimately with Raven after your intercourse? To show them you already liked someone and have them give up on their own, sparing you the fear of losing them?”

  “Yes. The coward's way. My way.”

  “Don’t be so harsh on yourself. What would have Raven said in such a situation?”

  “Hm… ‘Live to fight another day,’ I assume?”

  “It has nothing to do with the talk about love and rejection.”

  “He wouldn’t care.”

  “Oh, my! What an interesting son-in-law I am expecting! I hope he helps me have healthy and happy grandchildren. You still haven’t given up on him, have you?”

  “No. I’m even prepared to bear his children if that would keep him with me.”

  “Such a dirty and dishonest move.”

  “It suits a woman such as myself.”

  Endless thunderclaps started ringing in the air. Most were short gibberish sounds, but a few were long and clear.

  “There are some on the ceiling! Watch out!”

  The next memory was of a neatly dressed, tall man. A step behind him, his loyal servant kept an umbrella over him, while the rain wet the servant.

  Then the servant, battered, wounded and heartbroken from the loss of his master.

  The master, infected and already turned into an undead, his lifeless corpse rotting on the ground.

  “And who might the last person be?”

  “He is a ‘Roosevelt’. You know what he is, don’t you, Mother? After all, you and my dad got your status as nobles because of the project ‘Lily & Roosevelt’. Or was it ‘Lily & Oak’? No, ‘Lily & Rose’? You never decided on a name for the male ‘Lilies’.”

  “Are you blaming us for that? We did what we could to survive. I was indeed a kind and caring mother. In front of you, I was at least. You were my first and only child. I really liked spending time with you. But before you, all of Generation Zero were like my children. When they were little, with my entry, they all swarmed me! They were so eager to meet with me, to say they loved me. They were so cute. I deeply regret being unable to save them. For me, they were second only to you. I also regret starting this project. If I had known how the next Generations would be treated, I would have preferred staying a commoner.”

  “…”

  “No, I take it back. Without the project, I wouldn’t have given birth to you.”

  “Why did you do all that, mother?” I said with tears dripping on the wet dirt.

  Where were we exactly? Where was the garden and the pond we were just moments ago?

  The scenery changed before I realised it.

  I was in front of a grave. My mother’s grave.

  I was dressed in a mourning dress. There were many people in black.

  In a hole, the coffin of my mother rested. Numerous flowers were put on top of the closed coffin.

  Two men with shovels started filling the hole.

  My mother rested her head on the tombstone. She spoke as if the funeral wasn’t hers.

  “I wanted to have a better life. The country needed new ideas and ways to stabilise itself. The undead were a serious threat during my time. I thought of the project and the first-ever “curriculum”. The project was approved, employees were found and the first 100 children were waiting for me in the facility. In just a year, my plan was put into motion and I was the one to supervise it from start to end. The Monarch liked my idea so much that he even sent two of his children to participate in the project.”

  “His… own children?”

  Mother nodded and continued talking.

  “I had to make sure the project was successful. The great expectations from society, combined with the children’s sad expressions, motivated me to dedicate my life to the cause. Your father was part of the workers. He and my brother were the closest people to me, the two people I could talk to without pretence. If I did nothing, I might not have survived long enough to meet with your father and you would’ve never been born. I did have regrets. I really did. But seeing your smile made all my sins worth it. I thought that as long as you didn’t have to go through the hell your father, uncle and I went through, I was ready to let the world burn.”

  “Mother…”

  It started raining heavily, my tears the only thing that could rival it.

  ‘Slash’.

  “Are you okay?!”

  “Keep! Moving!”

  “Mother, why did you leave me?!” I screamed through tears.

  “I went to meet with Generation Zero. I was informed that a few of them were wounded during their last test and I went to see them and support them. Most of them saw me as their actual mother. Despite them already nearing their “graduation”, they were no less spoiled than you when I was around them, but I allowed it. They saw me rarely and the rest of the time, they had to train and fight. What Lily experienced wasn’t much heavier than what they did. The only difference was that for me, their life mattered. I didn’t want even one of them to die. To me, they were all precious children. The thought of losing one of them made me devastated.”

  “What happened for you to die?”

  “He came.”

  “…”

  The place changed. I wasn’t at my mother’s funeral, but the atmosphere and scenery continued to be heavy.

  I was in the facility when she died. It was a mess. Everything was damaged and numerous bodies littered the ground. There were dead adults and the bodies of teenagers weren’t little.

  A sinister, blurred figure in black walked towards my mother.

  She was on the ground, severely wounded, leaning on the wall. The last moments of her life.

  I saw how he stabbed my mother without any remorse nor second thought.

  “NOOOOOOOO!!! MOTHER!”

  My scream meant nothing.

  He pierced her chest with his bare hands, pulled her heart out and squashed it.

  Afterwards, he walked away into the darkness.

  My mother became lifeless, her emerald eyes empty, devoid of any light or kindness.

  I grabbed an object, determined to fight him, but he was nowhere to be found.

  I prepared to look for him when my mother spoke.

  “In the end, there were massive casualties. Many of the staff died. Many of the poor children died. And I had to leave my cute little girl to grow up without a mother. Tell me, my dearest. No, deny my way of thinking. Wasn’t my death the reason that made you have wishes about said Project never existing?”

  I turned and looked at her, but my tears made everything blurry.

  “No, mother! The reason why I wanted all that to stop…”

  I could not finish. How could I when she hit the mark?

  “I thought as much, my dear girl. You don’t pity them. You never have. You hate them. You wish they had never existed. The real reason why you adopted a ‘Lily’ was to show her the “normal” life. The life she might have had if she hadn’t been given up to become a subject. You got close to her eventually. I cannot deny that. But your initial intent was anything but pure.”

  I was crying. I was a worse person than I myself thought. I knew from the beginning that I wasn’t good, but I never imagined how rotten I was.

  Mother continued breaking me. Everything around me was dark.

  “The ‘Roosevelt’ who had lost his master. You were initially planning to marry his master, didn’t you? You knew he had enough political power to help. You knew his family was among the strongest in the country. You knew his brother is the current Monarch. He was a safe bet for a life partner and deeply loved you. Yet, you still denied him.”

  “Yes, he had the ability to help me fix… No, help me destroy your and my father’s work while also maintaining a good status for myself. That is why I was so reluctant to marry him. I want your project to cease to exist, not to be redesigned. He would have never allowed me to annihilate it. Yet, I couldn’t just give up on being a noblewoman. I wouldn’t be able to live in poverty. I’m so pathetic. Lamenting about the nobility, but being unable to give it up myself.”

  “What about it? Did you forget what your new love said? What was it exactly? That good people don’t live for long or something? You were never a good person, my daughter. You just pretended to be.”

  I could not say anything more. Just sobbing.

  “What saddens me the most is that we already had similar talks. But you couldn’t remember any of them and continue to make your life worse.”

  “What do you mean by that? We had other talks like this?”

  “I want you to be happy. I also wish you to know the joy of having a family. But as things stand, you won’t survive for long. You are in big danger. This was the reason why I came into your dreams once again. How could I watch my precious baby waste away her life?”

  “What is the point of all this if I’ll forget it?”

  “It’s starting to be hard moving out while carrying Mary!” the clear voice of Rich.

  “For fuck sake, how is she still sleeping? Are her nerves made out of steel? She almost got sliced up and yet she is still sleeping like a baby? Screw this! I’m waking her up one way or another!” the clear, irritated voice of Raven.

  “If she is awoken in the middle of her dreams, she’ll be unable to cope with reality! We have to hope she awakens soon!” the clear voice of Lily.

  “Lily, behind you!” the clear voice of Leo.

  ‘Bang’, ‘bang’, ‘bang’… thunders, no – gunshots.

  “You really should wake up soon. Otherwise, you might never be able to. I’ll be here waiting for you. Just make sure you don’t come too soon, got it? That will make me sad, my dear grown-up girl. Your father would also be devastated. My loss was too big for both of you. I don’t want my love to endure the death of our one and only child.”

  Yes, mother. I should wake up already. I should face myself, my fake self. I’m indeed not a good person. Even if I forget this dream, my fa?ade will eventually be over. I hope Raven will be with me when I become honest.

  I stopped crying and opened my eyes. I was my grown self now, armed with a weapon and with deep resolve.

  I was surrounded by darkness, but it started to dissipate at a slow pace.

  My friends needed me. We were in danger.

  My mother stayed upright next to me, her smile making the sun envious. Her emerald eyes looked at me gently.

  I finally remembered her features.

  Due to age and numerous worries, wrinkles decorated her face, but she was still the prettiest mother there ever was.

  “Thank you, mother. For creating the ‘Lilies’, for giving birth to me, for all your care and everything you did for me. I must go now. I hope we won’t be meeting anytime soon. As for Raven or whatever his name is, I like him. I feel safe around him. I could make use of him, but that is a secondary objective. I wish he would be by my side and would help me make my country a better place. I don’t want to destroy your legacy – I want to return its original radiance!”

  I said while the last of my tears dried and the path I must walk on became visible.

  I began walking in the light where it was the brightest. My mother was staying in the dark.

  My mother was saying something, but I couldn’t hear her well. It was time to do my best! To truly become a good person!

  Still, I gave my mother one last look.

  In the darkness, I saw not my mother, but myself. ‘I’ was waving at myself while smiling.

  “Remember, me! These are your true feelings! Don’t lie to yourself! It’s not too late!” ‘I’ said to myself.

  I continued walking into the light.