Chapter 5: The Mana Man’s Magical Plan

  Pain. Pain is everywhere. Pain is everything. All my screaming thoughts are drowned out by the cacophony of agony that permeates every fiber of my being. A million serrated barbs rip and tear though every inch of my skin, shredding my entrails and lacerating every nerve ending. Creatures eat me alive inch by agonizing inch, relishing in my misery as my soul is consumed and reborn and consumed again. There is no eye to this storm of anguish, no safe haven or hidden recess of my mind where I can hide from the pain. Death has never been so enticing a prospect, yet she shuns my advances, even as I reach out towards her. I can feel my mind, my humanity, my existence, slipping away, succumbing to the everlasting torture, and then all at once… it stops, and everything goes black.

  My eyes open slowly, and though the piercing inescapable pain is left behind, my body feels like one large bruise being crushed under a hydraulic press.

  “Ughhhhhhhhhhhh…. owwwwwww”

  I look down at myself, naked once again, and see my body covered in blackened char and slowly healing burns. Quickly, I check that my dick is still attached, and sigh with relief. Moving as slowly as I possibly can, I sit up. There is a floating blue window in front of me, and desperate for any distraction, I read it over.

  Holy shit I almost died! [Alheim’s Breastplate], I take back every bad thing I said about you, you’re the GOAT! THE GOAT! Did think you were going to last a little longer though. Anyway, note to self: if you make a fire that feeds off ambient mana, don’t fucking touch it with your billion strong mana pool. With that said however, I would be a fool not to recognize the potential of being able to burn away the mana pools of my enemies. Still, (I shudder as the memory of the pain comes back to me) I think I will be sticking to normal fireballs for a while. Still trying to move as little as possible, I take a quick look around the room. Weirdly, even in the spot where I nearly burned to death, there are seemingly no burn or char marks. I guess flame that only burns from mana only affects things with mana. I suppose that makes sense. Up towards the throne that Leaf Beard started in front of, I see a light shining, and I assume the entrance to the second floor is over there. Fuck that though, I’m not walking right now. Glancing at my character sheet, I am still about 5 hours away from full health, so I decide to take a nap. With a sigh, I close my eyes, and for the first time in an exceedingly eventful day, a semblance of normality returns as I drift off to sleep.

  Waking up to the feeling of perfect health, I take a moment to appreciate the system and whatever fuckery it pulls in order to make a short nap capable of fully healing a near corpse. Oh. Fuck. I should have meditated shouldn’t I? In the aches and pains of the moment, I had entirely forgotten that skill and its ability to heal me faster. Oh well, I’ll remember next time. I stand up with a big stretch, the kind that feels nearly orgasmic after waking up, and make my way towards the throne. Behind it, just as I expected, is a glowing yellow sparkle circle *cough* *cough* I mean portal, and through it I can see the outlines of medieval looking buildings and houses. Before I step through, I take a moment to look at the changes to my character sheet since killing Leaf Beard.

  Not bad. Still don’t know what I’m going to do with all those free points, but whatever. I move to the portal.

  Stepping through, I find myself in a small village, maybe the size of a New York suburb. Walking around the village are lively looking villagers… huh. Now, this might be a biased sample size, but from where I’m standing, it seems like every single villager is a beautiful woman. Listen, I may be a red blooded 19 year old (at least mentally anyway), but I’m not THAT stupid. I am 90% sure this is a trap of some kind. With that said, the 10% left has some huge pairs of… arguments. So, juuuuuuuust in case, I’m gonna go investigate first. Walking up to the nearest villager, a blond woman wearing what has to be the least practical clothing I’ve ever seen (why is her leather apron frilly?), I quickly bow to her and say, “Fair madame, what a lovely village I now find myself in. Would you be ever so kind as to enlighten me of its name?”

  Listen, I gotta talk like I belong, that’s unfamiliar territory number one. As I do, I squint my eyes at her, trying to discern her expressions and read her reactions for any sign of malicious intent. The woman giggles, and it sounds like a tinkling bell.

  The story has been illicitly taken; should you find it on Amazon, report the infringement.

  “Of course, fair gentleman, I would be honored. Our quaint little village is called Hollisdale. It is rare to see travelers around these parts, and never have we seen one so handsome as yourself,” she says with another giggle.

  I sigh with resignation. “You know, in other circumstances, I would be ecstatic at that response, but unfortunately, your performance simply wasn’t quite perfect. You missed one small part of pretending to be human. Insignificant though it may be, it was all I needed to see through your disguise.”

  Immediately, her giggling smile and blushing cheeks mold themselves into a sneer. The irises and pupils of her eyes disappear, leaving her entire eye as a milky white. Her canines elongate, and her fingernails extend into claws. As she does, the bustling sounds of the village around me fall silent as all the villagers turn towards me, undergoing similar transformations.“I see. A shame. This all would have been much easier if you fell for it. Much less painful for you. Out of curiosity, what gave it away? You know, so I can better fool the next traveler.”

  “An excellent question my dear, and the answer is simple,” I look down at myself, “Humans tend to react with a little more surprise when the person talking to them is BUCK FUCKING NAKED!”

  “Oh dear,” she looks down, “yes that is quite helpful to know. You humans are so strange, I just can’t figure you out.”

  As she suddenly leaps towards me, claws extended towards my throat, and I engage my agility, slowing the world around me to a standstill, I hear a soft chime, and a blue window pops up in front of me.

  …impressive deductive skills? You know what, I won’t question it. Immediately, I mentally trigger the skill on the creature in front of me.

  Changeling Lvl 5

  Damn, only level 5. I guess I won’t be leveling up much from this floor. Honestly, a part of me just wants to wave my hand and nuke the damn thing just to get it over with, but I stop myself. I am never going to improve if I use my stats like a crutch. OK! NEW PLAN: FOR THIS FLOOR, I CAN ONLY KILL THINGS WITH MAGIC! Also, I will be ignoring all notifications and level ups until the end of the floor. Hopefully that will make this floor worth doing in terms of practice, even if it isn’t in terms of exp. Anyway, I toss a fireball into the changeling’s cleavage and disengage my agility. Her eyes widen with pain as fire spreads and sticks over her chest.

  “AHHHH MY… THIGH?”

  “Nope, not even close.”

  Finishing her off with an explosive fireball to the face, I take a leaping step backward, creating some space between myself and the rest of the changelings. Ok ok, fireballs are awesome, but let’s try something new. I could go for more classics (lightning bolt, freeze ray, testicular torsion, etc), but I think I’m gonna try something a little more freeform (though no less iconic). Reaching out my hand, and curling it into a fist facing the sky, I summon as much mana as possible and focus my entire mind on making it solid and transparent. As soon as the next changeling gets within about 10 feet of me, my middle finger springs to attention, and a veritable rocket of solid mana shoots up from the ground, directly into the changeling’s chin, ripping her head from her neck with a visceral riiiiiiip followed a palpable series of pops, and sending it shooting into the sky.

  “Ewwwwwww. I mean yay, I did telekinesis, but EWWWWWWW! Y’all need stronger necks.”

  Seemingly undeterred, the rest of the changelings continue to rush at me. Creating a little more space, I begin launching them into nearby buildings with flicks and waves of my fingers (I don’t think I NEED to use my hands when I do this, but much like an Italian person talking or a prostitute with a fisting kink, it just feels right).

  “Do you not feel fear? Like what is up with this unrelenting aggression, it clearly isn’t getting you anywhere,” I accidentally launch a changeling into the air with such force it literally disappears over the horizon. “Ok I take it back, that one’s going places.” Not responding, the changelings continue to mindlessly rush me.

  “Oh come on, nothing? That first one was so talkative, what changed?”

  One of the changelings angrily looks at me and says, “You ripped our sister’s head off in front of us, you monster.”

  “...”

  “Touché.”

  Ok, they clearly tried to kill me first, and are continuing to do so, but still. That kind of takes the wind from my sails, and makes it hard to have fun with magic without thinking about the emotional ramifications of my actions. Not bothering to wave my hand, I focus as hard as I possibly can, and with a massive sheet of invisible mana, crush the remaining changelings in one fell swoop. I actually get a little bit of a headache after that, and walking through the splotches of pancaked entrails doesn’t particularly improve my mood. Ignoring the headache, I engage just enough agility to hop onto a nearby rooftop, where I lie down and stare at the sky. The sky was purple on the first floor, but on the second it is the familiar blue of Earth. The fact that the sun is quite a bit smaller and redder than Earth’s is a clear indication that I am no closer to home however. I take a moment, staring at this unfamiliar world, to contemplate.

  Ok, so maaaaybe I was a little gung ho on the whole murder thing. In my defence, the system represents itself in a way that is similar to games, so I guess it’s only natural to treat everything like one big game. Still, I don’t think that’s a very good excuse for acting like a deranged psychopath while slaughtering clearly intelligent and cognizant beings.

  I think… I think I’ve been avoiding something, rushing headlong into this new and strange world as an escape from that ugly stain on the back of my every thought. Well I won’t run anymore. Running from this has taken me away from everything I hold dear, taken me even from the world I call home, and before I stray even farther from my humanity, I have to stop running. I have to face it. Face her. I close my eyes and venture into that dark corner. She waits for me there: Lucy, as beautiful and captivating as the day I met her. From my perspective, it has only been a little over a day since we broke up, and despite the objective truth that eons have passed, the wound in my heart feels no less raw and fresh. Early in our relationship I was so sure she was the one. So sure that we would be married and live happily ever after. So certain that the way I felt was the truth, and ignored all other possibilities. Now it’s over, and I was the one who ended it. Now, there is the distinct possibility that I will never see her again, never hear the apology that I know she doesn’t owe, but feel like she does. Never look into her eyes and search, one last time, for a hint of the love they used to hold. I feel it as the tears begin to well in my eyes, begin to slide down my face, taste their saltiness as they run past my mouth, drip down my chin, and fall onto the roof under me. I lay there for an hour, maybe more, letting the tears flow, and revelling in the loss. Finally, with one shaky breath, I sit up. The sadness is still there. The pain too, and the loss. I haven’t suddenly moved on, and the hole in my heart isn’t suddenly healed from a quick tear sesh… but I think it’s closed a little. I feel the stain in my mind recede, feel as some of the weight lifts from my shoulders, and clamber to my feet. I have a lot of life left to live (do I even age anymore?), and there are a lot of people I haven’t met yet. Maybe there is someone out there who can fill my holes even better than Lucy did. If there is, I certainly have the stats to find them. OK! POWER MOPE COMPLETE! LET’S GO WIZARD THE FUCK OUT OF THE REST OF THIS FLOOR! I step off the roof with complete confidence, visualizing a plane of mana under my feet to hold me up… and promptly fall on my face, roll off the mana plane, and drop to the ground. Right. I still see mana as a liquid. Even as a flat surface that shit is slippery as a motherfucker. Oh well, like a baby bird flailing on their first descent from the nest, I just have to go back up and try again.

  I am deeply embarrassed by the fact that it takes me a full hour of attempting to stand on mana before I think to just move the mana inside my body which, of course, works immediately. 30 seconds after I have the idea, I’m whizzing through the air and whooping with joy. After some testing, I am deeply pleased to note that somewhere in the journey to 140 million constitution, I became immune to motion sickness, which is a huge blessing, considering I am currently spinning like a god damn beyblade and squealing at the top of my lungs.

  “WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!”

  Crying for a while definitely helped me stop being so sad, but flying? Flying makes me fucking ecstatic. Still zipping around, I spot something strange near the middle of town, and fly over. In the very middle of the town is a circular open area with a well in the middle (obviously not strange), but only about a block away in two perpendicular directions (making the whole arrangement a right triangle), are two more clearings with fountains in the middle. This on its own wouldn’t be THAT strange, but the items that are arrayed out on the ground in the various open areas draw my attention. A bouquet of flowers, a red wheelbarrow, a hay bale, a bottle of wine, a candlestick, a teapot, and a hodge podge of other miscellaneous items dot the ground of every clearing. On a hunch I swoop down and use [Inspect] on the nearest object, an iron ladle.

  Mimic Lvl 7

  Yup, that’s pretty much what I expected. Out of curiosity, I pick up the ladle, and immediately, the hand grows a spiky tooth and shoots towards my throat. I drop the ladle, and it grows eight legs and starts crawling after me, which has to be one of the grossest things I’ve seen in the last hour.

  “Hello? You don’t have feelings do you?”

  I look carefully at the spiderladle, which has now started stretching and ripping down the center into a gaping maw filled with several rows of teeth. It makes no reaction.

  “Nothing? You sure? Last chance before I go hog wild.”

  As the spider ladle still makes no reaction, I smile.

  “Hell yeah, let’s get spooky! Also, I’ve been busy with ethics code, but WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT!!!!!”

  This last bit I say in response to the fact that each of the 8 legs has grown an eye stalk and all of them (each a different shade of red) now point at me and follow my movement. I’ve never particularly considered myself religious, but there is only one thing to do in moments like this. I form a cross with my fingers and scream at the top of my lungs.

  “THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELLS YOU! BACK DEMON! BACK TO THE ABYSS FROM WHENCE YOU CAME!”

  Unfortunately, my prayer doesn’t work, so I decide to use magic instead. Still, it does give me an idea. You see, I’ve been thinking a lot about how to perform more complicated magics that are difficult to visualize in the way I have been. As an example, illusion magic seems nigh impossible to do, or at least with anything close to photo realism. After all, I may know what something looks like, but internally rendering every exposed surface with perfect clarity is an entirely different beast. Still, illusion magic is fucking awesome and I want to be able to use it at some point, which brings us to now. The basis of any good rendering, and therefore any good illusion, is light. Though calling on divine providence verbally didn’t work, I can sure as shit do my best impression of it, with light as the perfect medium. I begin to slowly rise off the ground, and visualizing as hard as I can, I use mana to create a massive focusing lens behind me, drawing light in and concentrating it into a beam that turns me into a silhouette, as if I fly before the sun itself. To me, this light feels only like pleasant source of warmth, but in front of me, I create successively smaller and stronger focusing lenses, and by the time the light reaches the creepy spider ladle abomination, the beam is hot enough to immediately make the thing start smoking as it is cooked to a crisp.

  “FEEL THE WRATH OF GOD, ABOMINATION!!!!”

  After about 30 seconds I decide this is taking too long and crush it with telekinesis. Still, definitely a successful first try. For my next trick, I’m gonna try making my own light. I’ve already succeeded in making mana go from its normal blue to transparent, so how difficult can cranking the illumination be? I conjure a ball of plain mana in my hand, and focus on increasing the luminosity. It takes a little more focus than I assumed but… it’s definitely getting brighter. At least I think it is. No, it definitely is now, it’s actually lighting up pretty fast. Ok it’s getting bright really fast. Uhhhh I can’t seem to stop it. OH SHIT!

  Turns out, health regeneration prevents me from going blind, but doesn’t speed up the spots disappearing from my eyes. Also, in case you were wondering, no, that didn’t do any damage to the mimics (who all seem to be pretty passive as long as I don’t directly interact with them). Though, now that the spots are gone from my eyes, I feel like there are more mimics around then there used to be. Like… a lot more. I wonder where they are coming from? Ah well, I’ll figure it out after I do a bit of culling. Oh shit, I have a great idea! I run over to a side street leading up to the largest of the three courtyards (the one with the well in the middle) and create a thin disk of mana. Picking up a rock from the side of the road, I toss it into the disk, and sure enough, it gains a little bit of speed as it goes through and travels a little farther than it normally would have. Hell yeah, now I’m cooking with gas! Ok, I start making more of these disks, lining them up one after the other, leading up towards the courtyard. My head starts hurting after the 10th, but I keep going to 15 anyway, for good measure. Head pounding aside, if this works, it will be fucking awesome, if incredibly impractical for actual combat. Picking up the same rock as before I go to the first disk, take a deep breath and toss the rock in.

  BOOM!

  I am blown back from the blast, landing with my back on the ground, cackling madly, even as I hear several buildings on the other side of the quartyard collapsing.

  “MAGICAL RAILGUN MOTHERFUCKERS! YOU JUST GOT RAILED!”

  Under me, the ground rumbles, I assume from the falling buildings. Getting to my feet I go back over to the courtyard to see the damage. In a line from the alleyway, there is a furrow about a foot into the ground going straight across the courtyard, leading into the other part of the city. Where mimics were on the ground all along it, the furrow is soaked in red blood. A lot of blood actually. I’m honestly impressed mimics have that much blood. Also, why is the ground still shaking? Suddenly, the well begins to widen, jacked white spikes growing from the inside. The sky begins to move downwards… no, I’m moving upwards! Quickly I launch into the air to get a better view, and as I do, I catch a glimpse of the other two courtyards. Where there were fountains, two blinking red eyes now look at me, as the entire area of the town begins to rise on feet the size of city blocks, and as if shaking dandruff from hair falling rubble, furniture from inside buildings, and of course the multitudes of items in the courtyards all begin growing legs and tentacles and claws and far, far too many eyes.

  Second Floor Hidden Boss

  Mimic Brood Queen - Lvl. 11

  Ok. Kaiju fight. Let’s fucking go.