“I thought we’d do our training ‘outdoors’, today, since it’s so nice,” Safety Ed quipped to the full group as he stood on the shore of the subterranean lake. Someone had gone to a lot of effort to bring in sand as well as artificial turf and large fake trees to provide a bit of ambiance that stopped just short of being moderately successful. Completing the look, a small run-down looking shack with holiday lights strung around it creeped at the edge of the display promising cheap alcohol from a cooler whose ice had already melted. It might have even boasted grilled meat that was 95% roach free.

  “I thought it might be a good idea to bring you all out here and show you another amenity offered by Cave Inn,” the instructor smiled.

  “Like, you’re joking, right?” Silky the elf contended. The dark make-up choice she wore matched Mary-Shelly who was standing beside her.

  “Oh… you thought I was referring to… this,” the grey-eyed instructor waved his finger around at everything around them.

  “Like, yeah.”

  “This is just the front porch,” Safety Ed grinned widely, confusing the entire group. “It looks nicer when we lower the lights in the evening and set up the volleyball nets. The shack over there holds the equipment. The kitchen staff is out here most evenings they’re not on duty.” And he had almost sold them on it.

  “The real treat, however,” Safety Ed allowed the brim of his tattered hat to fall over his eyes as he motioned to the water behind him, “is in the water.” Even as their eyes turned to look, a few bubbles popped on the surface of the perfectly still, dark water.

  Mac was just raising a finger to ask the natural next question when Safety Ed continued, “Before you can go in there and explore the wonders of the Cave Inn Deep, you’ll need some training. Things like SCUBA, First Aid, CPR, spearguns and underwater combat. You know, basics.”

  “We’re going to start with CPR training,” Safety Ed announced. “Amethyst, would you please open the shack and retrieve the practice dummies? We spent… a lot of money developing these to simulate the stress you’ll be under when the need arises. Make sure you thank Dr. Obsidian if you ever get the chance to meet him.”

  Mac caught the faintest hint of a maleficent smile under the last few words.

  “Aye,” Amethyst replied from behind the group. The red-haired woman could be stealthy when she wanted. Having gotten used to seeing her in the nurse outfit, she just didn’t seem normal in her grey, grease-stained, HeHeHe overalls.

  Amethyst reached the shack and tugged on the door handle which refused to budge. “Looks like it’s locked. They’ll just have to use each other for practice,” Amethyst called back intentionally innocently but totally not.

  “You can practice with me, big guy. I can teach you. I know what I’m doing,” Tiera offered Grist. The sound of hope in her voice almost overwhelmed her words.

  “You’re the only one I trust beside Grist,” Natalia offered Mac prompting him to wonder how to take that. Seriously, him or the troll… coming from a vampire.

  Silky raised her black eyebrows back at her bolt leader, “Didn’t get enough of his air the first time?”

  Did Natalia actually blush?

  “Hey, Mac,” Safety Ed addressed him directly with a slightly raised voice. “I don’t want someone accidently re-injuring you with chest compressions. You’ll be paired with Amethyst who’s already trained.”

  “Oh, here’s the key!” Amethyst called back. “I forgot I had it in my other pocket.” Mac could almost feel the collective tension and hope drain away.

  “Good, good. Glad that small detail is worked out,” the instructor concluded. “There are some one-way face sealers in there as well. Bring those out too. Each person gets one. Medic, Fallen Seven, Eighty-eight, Freja, Joe… Go help Amethyst drag them out here onto the artificial grass. And I almost forgot. Fallen Nine, I know you’re here from the total body count. Just grab one for yourself and copy what we do.”

  “First and foremost rule of CPR,” Safety Ed began after every group of three had a dummy in front of them. “Do not attempt to resuscitate a zombie.” This is generally considered offensive and disrespectful of their natural non-breathing status. It’s also a potential way to pick up some odd disease you didn’t know existed. So please, show them some respect.”

  “Before you start CPR you need to call for help. CPR is only a temporary thing until we can get our trained medical staff on the scene. It’s important to remember that if you are performing CPR correctly then your subject will likely wish you hadn’t. Isn’t that right, Mac?”

  “Pretty much,” Mac agreed as he absently reached up to rub his chest.

  “You should be using enough force in your compressions that if their heart has stopped beating, it will start again just to make the beating stop. The easiest way to remember how many times you should compress the chest is to remember how many times you should kick a puppy. Although 10 might feel like overkill you really should be counting twice that. After all, you are circulating their blood for them. Once again. Don’t try this on zombies. It will create a mess, they’ll probably hold a grudge about the incident, and they’ll possibly return the favor at a later and much more inconvenient time.”

  “The proper place to put your hands is right here on the solar plexus. It’s the same place you kick your buddy if you need to stun them and get ahead in line. Amethyst, since you aren’t partnering with anyone, would you demonstrate the proper compression technique on this dummy.”

  The mechanic grinned, “Are you sure, laddie?”

  “The one on the ground, Amethyst.”

  “Aye, laddie,” she replied with a touch of disappointment, demonstrating the proper hand position and then placement on the dummy.

  “That tickles,” the dummy’s electronic voice said flatly.

  “No more out of you,” Amethyst replied before launching into twenty potent thrusts.

  “Please… no more. You will… kill me,” begged the dummy on the ground in a monotone voice between compressions.

  “You forgot to flip the mode switch again, didn’t you,” Safety Ed commented quietly to Amethyst as she continued to pound the dummy in the solar plexus with her hands.

  “Please… It hurts.”

  “I didn’t forget anything,” Amethyst replied as she finished her mental count.

  “You fiends,” the dummy replied helplessly.

  “There’s a switch on the back of the neck,” the grey-eyed instructor announced to the group. “You might want to flip it to position two. We’ll have everyone practice a round of compressions first. Amethyst, Tiera and I will walk around and make sure you’re doing it right. Go ahead and get started.”

  “You can go first,” Natalia offered graciously.

  “How considerate of you. I assume Grist will go next?”

  “Of course,” Grist replied.

  “At least they’re training us on this,” Mac commented as he adjusted his hand position. “My first employer didn’t even bother.” He took a deep breath and prepared to begin the compressions.

  “Are you certified to do this?” the dummy asked flatly before he could begin.

  “No, that’s why I’m doing this,” Mac foolishly answered the fake person.

  “I would like to refuse service. I’m breathing just fine and my pulse is normal,” the dummy contended flatly.

  “You don’t have a pulse,” Mac replied as he braced to begin. “I’m going to fix that.”

  “What if I’m a zombie?” the dummy pleaded.

  “You’re not.”

  “I could be a zombie,” the dummy suggested hopefully. “See, no pulse.”

  Mac rolled his eyes before glancing back at Natalia who just shrugged her shoulders. The form fitting grey HeHeHe tank she was wearing revealed they were indeed nice shoulders if a bit pale. Task at hand, Mac, he reminded himself. That’s right, compressions.

  Mac was barely three compressions in when the dummy started shouting loudly, “Assault, Assault. See the violence inherent in the system. Assault.”

  Mac continued the compressions as the dummy pleaded for help. It sounded like his wasn’t the only one. “Grist, knock him out… gently.”

  Grist hovered over the dummy’s face and finally flicked it once in a temple with a single large finger. The dummy fell mercifully silent leaving the pitiful cries of the others to fill the air instead.

  “Good, Good,” Safety Ed smiled as he watched Mac finish.

  “My wretched life is saved,” said the dummy upon completion. “Perhaps I will jump in a lake.”

  “I like how you used Grist to knock it out half way through,” commented the instructor before going off to check on someone else. “Getting rid of that distraction was a smart idea. You do need to remember to call or send for medical help, first, though.”

  “Hey there muffin top,” said the dummy to Natalia, “His mouth will be on my mouth, not yours during the next part. Jealous, much?”

  “Hit it again, Grist,” Natalia commanded through narrowed eyes.

  This narrative has been purloined without the author's approval. Report any appearances on Amazon.

  “You are a villain…” the dummy said before Grist could oblige the lady.

  “You’re next, Grist,” Mac motioned to the annoying training device.

  “Wait, let’s talk about this,” the dummy snapped back to consciousness. “I’m feeling better, I think I’ll live, after all. Ah yes, I’ll bet I even have a pulse.”

  “Gently, Grist,” Mac warned the troll as the dummy’s eyes widened in terror. “Leave something for the muffin top.” That drew an expected scowl from Natalia.

  “Oh, I look forward to that,” the dummy replied.

  “On second thought…”

  Grist flicked the dummy carefully on the temple and then began his careful compressions in the relative silence.

  Tiera materialized nearby as Grist worked and smiled appreciatively. “It’s not all about force with you, is it, bug guy?”

  “Grist can save a life, too,” the troll replied. “Use care, plan, think… like dull girl.”

  “My life is saved,” announced the dummy after the final compression. “Now, it’s my turn with muffin top. Hubba, hubba.” Did Tiera just crack a smile?

  “Can it, bird brain,” Natalia ordered as she knelt down beside the inert fake human.

  “You want me.”

  “Not in a million years.”

  “I hope you go first for breathing practice, muffin top.”

  “I’m going to strangle this piece of defective machinery,” Natalia commented and she carefully arranged her hands like Amethyst had demonstrated.

  “That would be setting four. Currently on setting two, as in you and me, baby.”

  “Give it the finger, please, Grist.”

  “How rude…”

  “Thank you, Grist.”

  Natalia worked the dummy with probably even more vigor than when she had brought Mac back a few weeks ago.

  “I’m amazed you can still be so gentle after that,” Mac commented as she was half-way through.

  “No… just making sure to do it right.”

  “Thanks for bringing me back, by the way. I don’t think I ever told you that,” Mac added sincerely.

  “I’m sure you would have done the same for me.”

  “Just one question. How did you learn CPR?”

  “Doncha-know, I used to…”

  “My life is saved,” interrupted the dummy, “No wait, cough, cough, I still need air… from your sweet, sweet lips. Won’t you save my life again, muffin top?”

  Natalia open-palm slapped the dummy across the face so hard she had to shake and then rub the feeling back into her hand after the strike.

  “Miss Pardova,” Safety Ed, called from where he watched over some others working. “Please don’t damage the property.”

  “Hit me again, muffin top,” the dummy urged her contradictorily in its flat voice.

  Grist and Mac moved to grab Natalia’s arms and pin her to the ground while she was still lost in indecision. “It’s just a machine,” Mac reminded her when her brain finally decided to struggle.

  “Like, totally be at peace, Dark Lady,” Mary-Shelly attempted to smooth the vampire’s temper from the next group over. “They are just machines designed to distract you. Clear your mind and do not be troubled. Silky and I will deal with the scum later.” The last words were so threatening that Mac almost felt sorry for the machine. Almost.

  Natalia took a few deep breaths, “It’s just a machine. I will not destroy the machine. It’s just a machine. I will not destroy the machine…”

  “Can we let you go?” Mac asked. It was a foolish question. Like asking, “Should we let the arch villain out on parole?” or, “Should I let go of this tiger’s tail?”

  “I’m calm now,” Natalia answered after taking a deep breath.

  Grist met Mac’s eyes and shook his head negatively.

  “I’m losing feeling in my arms, please, let me go,” the vampire requested evenly.

  “We’re going to let you go… No property destruction,” Mac insisted. He waited for the vampire to nod in affirmation before returning to a kneeling position.

  “You can’t hold her any more than that last girl,” the dummy managed to trigger both Mac and the troll simultaneously.

  The big guy started to tear up and Natalia leapt up to wrap her arms around Mac to hold him back. “Easy Mac, it’s just a machine.” Her grip was firm, not overly tight, like when your mother hugs you after you’ve been gone for a few months and she’s just pleased to see you didn’t get eaten by a wandering dragon or passed the bar exam to become a lawyer.

  “Using my own words against me, vampire?” Mac quizzed angrily as fire burned in his eyes. He could feel her warm breath on his neck… He could feel her warm breath on his neck!

  “I’m not going to bite you,” Natalia said it completely unconvincingly, and Mac’s focus shifted back to the more obvious threat.

  “Make him yours forever, muffin top,” the dummy urged malevolently.

  “Look, Grist is crying,” she whispered in his ear through clenched teeth. “You take care of him and I’ll deal with the piece of trash on the ground.”

  Natalia removed her hands from around Mac and placed them on her hips as she stood up to stare down at the dummy.

  “You want me.”

  “Oh, I want you… I want you to suffer a thousand slow deaths only to be revived each time into an eternity of suffering. I want to personally ensure each student that suffers under your tutelage will be fed garlic and reheated curry before each breathing session with you. May you fester for eternity in a noxious soup of fumes and old farts until your circuits corrode and your frame is so lost on the scrap heap of history, that not even a feral cat will deign to piddle on you.”

  “The Dark Lady has decreed, so it will be,” Mary-Shelly intoned, from where Mary-Shelly and another female worked on their own dummy beside them.

  “Oh, dear me…” the Dummy replied, eliciting a victorious smile from the vampire. “Just kidding. Isn’t it time for mouth-to-mouth practice, muffin top?”

  Natalia’s eye twitched several times as visions of destruction paraded through her mind.

  “Yes, it is,” Safety Ed answered, placing a firm restraining hand on the vampire’s shoulder. “Go ahead and get your valved face sealers out of your bags. Don’t worry, they’re new. I do have some standards.”

  Tiera turned back to him and raised her eyebrows meaningfully.

  “Grist, are you alright?”

  “He got something in his eyes,” Mac commented from his place over the troll’s shoulder, “Just give us a moment to get it out.”

  “The rest of you can unwrap the masks while we’re waiting, then.”

  “I’ve been waiting for this,” said the dummy called up from the ground. “I’ll bet that you kiss like your mother.”

  XXXXX

  “Where’s Olivia?” Mac asked Mr. Hood as he dropped off Zach and Janessa outside the Cafeteria. “I haven’t seen her here at the drop-off or pick-up for… a while.”

  “She’s just taking care of the other kids,” Mr. Hood deflected.

  “I was just… uhm… kinda hoping to see her again.”

  “My daddy thinks she’s amazing,” Zach chipped in helpfully. “I think so too.”

  Mr. Hood managed to maintain his artificial smile as he tousled Zach’s hair, “I’m glad to hear that you like her, Zach. We all think the world of our Golden One. Did you know she’s been working for HeHeHe even longer than me?”

  “Really?” Zach bought into the redirect.

  “Really,” Mr. Hood confirmed, giving his whole attention to Zach.

  “Uhm… Mr. Hood, would you pass her this note for me?”

  The teacher looked up to find the envelope three inches from his face. “What’s in it?”

  It was a fair, logical question… which Mac was not about to answer completely truthfully.

  “Just wanted to express my… appreciation.”

  “What am I, chopped spleen?” Mr. Hood insinuated as he took the letter and shoved it unceremoniously into his pocket.

  “I’m sorry,” Mac answered, “I haven’t figured out how to thank you yet, as you seem to have everything you ever wanted. I almost envy you. Okay… you get to spend almost all day with Olivia, so I actually do envy you.”

  “You have a crush on that short, gold-haired girl?!” Joe Campbell interrupted having passed by as Mac spoke. “Seriously, what a piece of work, that woman.”

  Mr. Hood’s face darkened as he poked Joe in the chest hard enough to push him off balance, “Do not insult my associate. She would give her life for the children if it came to that.”

  “Oh, so you’ve got a thing for her, too, Champ?” Joe scratched behind his ear as he mocked the director.

  “You…” Mr. Hood checked his words after a quick glance at Mac, “don’t know anything about our Golden One.”

  Joe raised his eyebrows. “Okay, Champ. She’s… special.” He followed that with a snicker as he walked away.

  “He’s mean,” Zach commented as Janessa nodded in agreement beside him. They joined Mr. Hood in a silent group stare watching the jerk depart.

  Mac put a hand on Mr. Hood’s shoulder, “Don’t let him bother you. He’s always like that.” Then he added a moment later. “And please, don’t forget my short note.”

  “He spent almost two hours on that last night,” Zach added.

  XXXXX

  Mac walked up to the side of the subterranean lake dressed in his pilot suit like everybody else per the cryptic instructions they were left with the day before.

  It was five minutes past start time when Safety Ed and the shock leader emerged from the dark waters of the lake with long spears in hand. “Sorry about the hold up,” Safety Ed began. Was that blood leaking out his sleeve? And why did it look like the fabric on his sleeve was… shifting? “We had to take care of a small safety item, first. Amethyst, would you mind grabbing a nano re-charge for a pilot suit from the 4th shelf in the lower shack. I think my suit has run out of its supply.”

  “Aye,” Amethyst’s face was somewhat paler than usual as she bolted toward the shack.

  “You need to lie down,” Tiera assisted Safety Ed out of the water and eased him to the ground beside his hat, which he promptly returned to its rightful throne upon his head.

  “Please, take a seat,” the grey-eyed instructor urged his students. “I hate being the only one unable to stand. Thank you. I appreciate your hard work the past few days learning first aid, and basic SCUBA safety. Today will be our first day in the water and you’ll finally get to practice everything you’ve learned.”

  Kid-friendly invectives emanated from the shack as Amethyst searched for whatever that thing was Safety Ed had asked for.

  “Look on the right, above the cyanide pills, right next to the volleyballs,” Tiera called out to Amethyst and tightened her grip at the top of Safety Ed’s arm. Was that actual concern on her face… for Safety Ed?

  Scruffy the elf raised a hand.

  “Go ahead, Fallen Two,” Safety Ed motioned even as he threatened to pass out. There was a pool of blood starting to form around his hand on the ground.

  “Would you mind telling us how you injured yourself?”

  “Nothing serious, really,” Safety Ed began even as his head seemed to wobble on his shoulders and his eyes drifted precariously. Amethyst was sprinting back to them. “There… was just… a nest of…”

  “Easy there, Ed,” Tiera guided his head to the ground and Amethyst practically slid to a stop beside him. Moments later she had linked the small canister to a port on the side of Safety Ed’s hip. She had a second one ready in her other hand.

  “It’s nothing to worry about,” Tiera reassured the group. “We got most of them cleared out. They usually won’t bother you unless you get too close to their hidden nest, or if they’re out hunting… or if you happen to have a light on. If you would please check your right forearms and bring up your status screens.” Tiera Sardonyx waited for everyone to catch up. “Go to the life support icon in the upper right. Now, scroll down to medical supplies and make sure all the categories are at least 85%, and the anti-parasites, specifically, should be at 100%. Everyone got that?”

  There was a chorus of positive replies before Safety Ed started to shift on the ground again.

  “It looks like your primary instructor will need a little time to recover,” Tiera Sardonyx continued even as she maintained her stranglehold at the top of Safety Ed’s arm, “I’ll take this time to give you a little history on Cave Inn and go over some features on your pilot suits.” What else could she do?

  “Your pilot suits are specially designed to provide protection and temperature regulation in cold temperatures and even whisk excess moisture away from the body. This works both underwater and, if you wear your helmet and gloves, even in the coldness of space. Don’t fall into lava, though. Despite multiple attempts, research has never quite figured that one out. We have incorporated nanite technology to assist with medical issues and even have organic waste elimination systems installed, not that I would ever trust the suit that far,” she trailed off as someone sighed in relief.

  “You can see that your suits are even self-repairing, but like your own frail bodies, they do require certain raw materials to fully function. Thankfully, HeHeHe owns 90% of the production of these materials, which allows us to replenish them at a reduced cost.”

  “Several years ago, the government of North Vespucia contracted HeHeHe to maintain a presence in this location. As I see it, Cave Inn was originally found by some amateur cavers doing exploration in the area. They’re all dead. Half the group never made it back to the surface and the initial survivors who returned to the surface rambled about death in the water.”

  “The site was secured by the government and the survivors eventually all died. Something got into their blood streams, and it was pretty gruesome. I saw the photos before we passed the bodies to our R&D department. One of those survivors is actually the director here at Cave Inn.

  “Didn’t you just tell us they’re all dead?” Scruffy asked logically.

  “That’s correct.”

  “Then… Oh.”

  “As I was saying. The government looked to HeHeHe to supply security in the area and, if possible, identify and reduce the threat of whatever it was that killed the amateur cavers. When I saw the numbers, it wasn’t a whole lot, but it makes it worthwhile to keep up the facility. Safety Ed and I were checking the waters before you arrived as part of our routine checks. Those creatures can be pretty quick and they can hurt you with more than just their two rows of five-centimeter teeth. Nasty buggers. Oh, Safety Ed looks like he’s coming to. Good. Let’s all get in the water.”

  Do you like the old cover of the new one better