I woke up when the armor landed on top of me. I don't know how long I was out cold, only that I was. I might have passed out when I got thrown through the portal, or I might have been sleeping here for the last year. Or two. One thing I do know, however, is that when you're asleep, and 25 kilos of armor smashes you in the face, you wake up. Seeing the former occupant still in it was a bit of a shock.

  He'd clearly been a holy warrior, judging from the motifs that covered his gear. A white cross on a blue background on his breastplate, shield, and even a little flag that flew from the back of his helmet. You have to be a serious muppet to run around with that on your head by choice.

  I'd seen more than a few corpses in my time. I'd personally made more than a few. I'd never seen one like this. It looked like he'd been sucked dry by a giant mosquito, like a squishy deflated balloon. It'd been better if he'd been dry and desiccated like a mummy. I might not have had such a hard time getting his gear off.

  Once I'd stripped him clean, I took stock of the gear. Weapons, armor, a pack with some supplies, thankfully including a coin purse with some silver and copper coins. It's precisely the stuff one of the characters would carry in that movie, Lord of the Kings or whatever. I hear there's a book too, but meh. Who reads these days?

  I was most thankful for the dead man's britches. I'm not shy or anything, but I was pretty sure that when I walked up to a villager completely naked, the effect wouldn't be what I wanted. I pulled them on and started to itch.

  "Oh, brakk, what's that? What the serious brakk is that. I mean, brakk. Brakk." What the brakk does brakk even mean, and why do I keep saying it? I paused to collect my thoughts. I knew what I wanted to say. I was trying to say it, but this other word came out. "Brakk, I am too old for this grix." I took a deep breath and rubbed my eyes, again trying to collect my thoughts. You just got killed, saw an angel, got branded by a demon, and are now alive again in some new universe, but the thing you're getting hung up on is the inability to swear at will. I slapped my cheek a few times. Wake the brakk up.

  I pulled on the rest of the gear and was surprised at how easily I did it. There were a ton of little straps and thingies, but somehow I figured out how the thing came together with surprising speed. The stiff even came with a wicked mace. It was like my sandpeople club, but only about two feet long or so, with a wire-wrapped grip and a leather lanyard to keep it attached to my wrist. I shoved it through a ring on the side of my belt, which kept the shaft from tangling with my legs when I walked.

  I must have looked bad-ass, but I was just happy to no longer be naked. I’d started planning on how I would have to steal clothes off of someone's unconscious body, but didn’t want to go there. I didn’t want to think like that anymore. I need to be good this time around. Fortune had provided me with armor and a weapon I knew how to use, and everything fit perfectly, which seemed like an unlikely coincidence. That was enough. For now.

  I finally turned my attention beyond the small clearing in which I found myself. I was at the edge of a forest and could see a small village in the distance, no doubt the one I was supposed to subjugate for my new boss. It looked peaceful. It looked like the kind of place I'd want to live if I wasn't such a piece of grix. Houses of various sizes made from stone or dark timber-frame with white plaster walls, with gardens at each one and larger fields behind stone walls dotted all over the landscape.

  It was quaint.

  It was doomed if demons came for it.

  And it was my job to subjugate it, or else I had no doubt what would happen to me. I was a good brawler, but if demons descended on this place in numbers, there was nothing I’d be able to do but run. I'd gotten a new chance at life, and I'd sworn to be good, but I wasn’t an idiot. There was no way I could take and/or keep this place on my own. I may have been a bad dude in my previous life—okay, fine, there's no 'may have been' about it —but I did not go back on my word.

  Ever.

  Old me would have gone in, killed anyone who resisted, and planted my flag. New me wasn't about to do that, no matter how much I wanted to. Or they deserved it. I was sure that getting one chance to escape eternal damnation was rare enough. I wasn't about to bank on getting a second chance, and now that I knew that Hell really existed, I meant to stay as far from it as possible. I had no idea how I was going to pull this off—well, pull it off and keep my life. And soul.

  I shifted my chestplate as it was irritating my chest, but I couldn't make the itch go away. When I reached beneath it to scratch, I felt raised lines like welts on my skin. It hurt when I probed it. "Holy grix!" I tore the armor off as fast as I could and pulled my shirt off to look at my chest just in time to see the demonic brand I'd received fade from view. I ran my fingers back over my chest and felt nothing. I'd stripped the armor from a holy warrior; could it somehow be blessed or something? So my holy armor and demonic mark didn't play nice together? Who'd'athunk it? I had the feeling that this wouldn’t be the last time I had to manage my two masters.

  This story is posted elsewhere by the author. Help them out by reading the authentic version.

  Looking back at the village from my hillside vantage point, I quickly spotted a dirt road leading to it, crossing a stone bridge over a small river, maybe ten to twenty meters wide. I saw a sign there, but I couldn't make out what it said from this distance. At least I'd be able to get the name of the place when I got closer. I didn't have a clue as to how to subjugate it.

  I didn't hear the rustling of underbrush. I didn't hear the crunching of leaves. It was a complete surprise to me when I heard, "Oh! It's you." I nearly jumped out of my skin. To be snuck up on like that, where I'm from, generally meant you had a knife in your kidney before you knew what was going on.

  I spun and dropped into a combat squat, fumbling to get my new mace in hand to brain the person who had suddenly emerged from the bushes beside me. It was a relief when I recognized the elf girl I'd seen in Hell. She stepped forward as I stood paralyzed, arm raised and ready to strike, and dropped to her knees before me. She bowed her head until it touched the ground and spoke in a language I did not know. It was beautiful. It was like a song that carried the feeling of a child's careless spring days. My arm drooped as its beauty washed over me.

  "I am Elanthe. I owe you a life debt for saving me. I have spoken the ancient words pledging myself to you. My life is now yours."

  "Get out of town."

  She looked up, alarmed. "What? But I can't leave you already."

  I blinked. I blinked again. I realized that I was still in my combat pose and felt ridiculous. "Get up."

  "My Lord." She stood up and unconsciously brushed off her knees.

  "No, none of that. I'm not your lord."

  "Yes, my— Yes, Sir."

  I tilted my head and scratched my cheek. I hope they've got good razors in this village. "No, sir, either. Call me Chuck. Do you understand what just happened?"

  "Yes, my—Yes, Sir Chuck. I am aware of how blessed I am to have been saved by you."

  "No, that's not what I mean. And my name is Chuck. Just Chuck. Not Sir Chuck, or Lord Chuck, or anything else. Just Chuck. Got it?" I looked at her and held up a finger as she started to answer. "Tut!" She looked at me and then answered.

  "Yes, I understand, Sir."

  That was better at least, but it would have to go too. "Good. Tell me what in the hell just happened, because I don't understand any of it."

  It was her turn to look puzzled. "We were transported via portal to this place."

  "No, I mean before that. In that place with the demon and the cultists. What the hell was that?"

  She was still puzzled. "That was Hell. You freed me from Hell itself. Literally Hell."

  "Listen, girlie, I need more than that. Start from the instant I started to move. Explain what happened. Use small words, please, I'm not very bright and am very confused."

  "The Demon King summoned you to be his champion, an anti-paladin to bring death and destruction wherever you set foot. You defied him to his face, and for some reason, he didn't destroy you outright. An angel appeared and informed the Demon King that you are a servant of the Light and not Hell’s property. He branded you anyway, so he has claimed you, and then he cast you here to bring that village into his domain." She pointed, just in case he hadn't figured it out himself. "Then his minions threw the paladin who tried to save me and me," she noticed the corpse for the first time and shuddered, "through the portal as well."

  "What happens if I don't?"

  "Don't what?"

  "Subjugate the village?"

  "I imagine that he will feed you to his hellhounds alive, or some such unpleasant thing."

  "Brakk."

  "Language!" Her shocked face was adorable.

  Could she be over 18? She was pretty, sure, and I didn't even mind the weird-ass pointed ears, but I'm no chomo. In fact, I'd earned a reputation in prison for never passing this one without beating his ass—they had to transfer the grix out before I killed him with my bare fists. I did three extra years because of him and didn't regret it for a moment. I don't care what the rules are; you mess with a child in that manner, and I'm going to make you regret it. So, until I knew the answer to my question for a fact, she was off-limits and woe unto he that laid a finger on her.

  "So now I guess I go to the village and figure out how both defy him and get this done."

  "And I go with you."

  "No, you don't. I don't know how to handle myself in this place, and I can't manage you and me at the same time."

  "I am pledged to you. It is my purpose in life now to serve you. I can help you--"

  "Good. Serve me my going away."

  "I can't do that."

  "Why not?"

  "Because my spirit will know that I can serve you better at your side, and my life will fade to grey as the burden grows heavier and heavier."

  "I could order you to."

  "And I'd ignore the order."

  "Brakk."

  "Language!" She was really adorable when she was angry. She reminded me of a spicy kitten.

  I sighed. Then sighed again. An hour ago, I'd have just backhanded her a good one and told her to brakk off, but I'm new me now, not old me. I'm trying to do better. "Fine, you can help me. Go scout out that village. Learn the layout and find out who's in charge if you can. Don't let yourself be seen and don't get caught. Last thing I want to do is try to explain you to the local authorities."

  "Of course, My Lord Chuck. I'm off."

  I watched her for a time as she flitted between the trees and across the meadow. She slowed down as she approached the bridge and moved stealthily until she was close enough to verify that there were no guards, then dashed across and disappeared into the tended farm fields of the village. I had never seen anybody move so gracefully before. It was like watching fog fall through a mountain pass.

  I should have enough time to figure out how to get rid of her before she gets back.