Chapter 5

  "Riff?! What are you doing here?" I asked the familiar man standing at the entrance of the alley. "And what did you do to my mustache?!"

  The man seemed shocked and confused by my questioning. It took a moment for him to respond.

  "Oh gosh. Soorry, but I'm not sure who this Riff person is." He took his fedora off and placed it over his chest as he introduced himself. "I'm Detective Placeholder, of the Arkham Placeholders. You must be the players. It's a pleasure to meetcha."

  Detective Placeholder was not Sheriff Placeholder?!

  The man standing at the entrance of the alley was obviously Sheriff Placeholder cosplaying as a 1930's detective with mutton chops. He'd replaced his confusing accent with another equally confusing accent. This time, he sounded like a Canadian Jack McBrayer, the guy who played the page on 30 Rock.

  There were two possibilities. Either this was just Sheriff Placeholder in a costume, or this was actually a different person called Detective Placeholder. They had used the same Arkham Placeholders phrase that Sheriff Placeholder had used in the first investigation...

  Wait...

  Goddammit! This was one of those running gags where they use the same actor to play different characters. It was kind of like Nurse Joy and Officer Jenny from Pokémon. Every single town had a Nurse Joy and Officer Jenny, but they were canonically different people and had slight differences. So I would have to assume every investigation would have some sort of law enforcement Placeholder character with the exact same body as the others, and only slight cosmetic changes.

  I had no room to talk, but that god really was annoying.

  Well, there was nothing I could do to stop this annoying turn of events. When in Rome...

  "So Dick... Can I call you Dick?" I met one running gag with another one. Two of us could play at this game. "Can you tell us what's going on here?"

  I gestured to the alley filled with monster corpses. I probably didn't need to make the gesture since a corpse-filled alley, especially one filled with eldritch creatures, was somewhat of an attention grabber. I mean, if I hadn't made the gesture did I think he was going to explain the architecture of the surrounding buildings or something?

  "Dick? I mean, I'd rather you..."

  "So Dick, do you have any idea why someone was ripped to shreds by turbo-gimps in this alley?" I cut him off, hoping to push the investigation forward. Dick looked uncomfortable, but tried to hide it.

  "Right, soorry. I guess it's best if I take you to the chief. He can do a much better job of telling you aboot it." I tried not to wince at his cringy accent. I had a sudden urge to eat poutine and watch hockey.

  "I hope the chief doesn't mind pets." I reached down to scratch Dalos's ears.

  "Gosh... I guess we can make an exception." This version of Riff was quite the pushover. He didn't seem like a bad guy. Still, I wasn't ready to forgive a universe that would remove such a perfect mustache for the sake of a gag.

  What did it say that the loss of Riff's mustache steeled my resolve to kill that god more than anything else up to this point? They... Would... Pay.

  The police station was a three story brick structure. Parked on the street and in a lot behind the building were rows of police cars. I wasn't a history buff, especially regarding cars, so there was no real way of me knowing if these vehicles were even remotely period accurate for the 1930s. I could say that they definitely looked older than the old Crown Vics of the mid 1990s, but newer than a medieval sheriff on a donkey. So, to my best estimate, they were spot on.

  I didn't take much time verifying the authenticity of the station since Detective Placeholder had been hurrying us to see this Chief guy. I assumed he was the police chief, but for all I knew, he was the station's pet German Shepherd or something.

  Inside the station, we were met with a small reception area with uncomfortable looking benches lining the walls. A couple of seedy looking individuals were sitting on the benches wearing handcuffs. We immediately passed through the reception area and took stairs all the way up to the third floor.

  The third floor was laid out much like police stations in the old film noir movies I loved so much. There were desks spaced out across an open floorplan. In modern days, there would be cubicle walls all over the place, but that wasn't the case here. People who I assumed were other detectives stood around talking. A thick cloud of smoke hung in the air... Because everyone smoked in the 30s.

  "Before we make our way over to see the chief, would either of you like a lozenge. The butterscotch always gives me a little perk in my step, doncha know?" Dick's lilting mashup of accents was significantly more pleasant than Riff's had been. It almost made up for the missing mustache... No, that was a blatant lie. But his accent was actually quite pleasant to listen to, even if it was a confused mixture of three poorly executed accents (I added Minnesotan to the mix of identified accents hiding in Dick's speech).

  "No thanks, I just ate." I had never been good at turning people down, but I wasn't a big lozenge guy. Instead, my mind wandered to questioning if it would be possible to shave off his mutton chops and glue them to his upper lip as a mustache. It would be a poor excuse of a replica, like how those fancy suits people wear to award shows are a cheap replica of those awesome tuxedo t-shirts.

  "Well gee, I guess that just means more for myself. My sweet tooth is gonna be happy tonight!" Every word out of his mouth tempted me to give this middle-aged law officer the same head-pats I'd give to Dalos. I really wish I didn't have to hate him over the mustache thing.

  "Clay, stop glaring at the detective." Joan spoke up as if she was a elementary school teacher telling her student to stand up straight and get back in line. "And stop daydreaming about what he'd look like with a mustache."

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  "I wasn't thinking about mustaches at all. I was thinking about..." I looked around the office to help complete my lie. I noticed a few posters on the wall behind her. "Wanted... Exit... Detective..."

  "That's what you're going with?" Joan looked at me out of the corner of her eye.

  "It worked in The Usual Suspects..." I couldn't hide my disappointment.

  "Oh boy, is that one of them motion pictures?!" At least Dick enjoyed my poorly executed reference even if he didn't get it.

  Our sad excuse for a conversation came to an end as we approached an office door at the far end of the third floor. The door had a large frosted glass window with the words Police Chief Nod painted on it.

  "Police Chief Nod..." I read the words aloud like a dad reading billboards on a road trip.

  "Yepperooni, that's the guy. Chief Nod's a serious guy, so you might want to watch how you conduct yourself around him. Still, he's the best there is." Dick puffed his chest out with pride. It was easy to see that he had respect for this Chief Nod guy.

  With the warning out of the way, Detective Placeholder opened the door and ushered us inside. Joan made sure to give me a glare that told me Behave yourself as she passed by. I felt Dalos push his way into the office as he brushed against my shins. Finally, it was my turn to enter.

  The office was fairly plain. There were a few awards framed on the walls behind a basic wooden desk. Filing cabinets were lined against the wall to the left of the desk. A couple of leather chairs were positioned to face the chief. Honestly, there was no personal touch in the office. There was nothing to give any hints to Chief Nod's personality other than serious.

  The man behind the desk was on the older side. He had grey hair, and a pretty impressive beard. I wasn't much of a beard-guy, but I could tip my awesome yellow Dick Tracy fedora to impressive facial hair when I saw it. His eyes were a pale blue-gray, which complimented his pale white skin. Dick hadn't been lying when he said the man was serious, I couldn't even begin to imagine what he'd look like smiling, but even his eyes were frowning. Maybe he was just having a bad day?

  "Placeholder, I take it these are some of the players?" His voice was powerful and booming. I could see him being successful as a boxing announcer.

  "Yes sir. I found them at the scene of another attack." Dick did his best to stand up straight and act professional. He was acting much more like a lower level police officer than a detective, although I owed most of my knowledge of police etiquette to television shows and movies, so I didn't actually know how detectives were supposed to act to a police chief.

  "I see." The older man stroked his beard for a moment. "That's all, Placeholder. Good work."

  "Yes sir. Thank you sir." The mutton chopped detective exited the office, closing the door behind him.

  "Have a seat." His voice boomed. Joan and I each took a seat. Dalos hopped up onto my lap. "That's an odd dog you have there. Is it a Tindalos?"

  "Yes, his name's Dalos. I'd offer to let you pet him, but..."

  Before I could finish my sentence, the bearded man reached over the desk and rubbed Dalos behind the ear. Dalos wasn't used to anyone other than me petting him, so he squirmed away and pressed himself hard against my chest.

  "Softer than I would have thought." I couldn't tell if Chief Nod was referring to the softness as a texture, or if he was commenting on Dalos acting cowardly. He glanced at his hand for a moment.

  "Is your hand alright?" I asked in surprise. For someone who identified Dalos as being a Tindalos Hound, he didn't seem to remember that they were harmful for people to touch.

  "Never better, boy." The man clearly didn't want to appear weak. "Introductions. I'm Police Chief Harry Nod. You are?"

  "I'm Joan, you've met Dalos, and the idiot is Clay." It wasn't how I'd introduce myself, but Joan hit all the necessary bullet points.

  "I'm going to cut to the chase. We've got a major pest problem that's starting to spread over to the decent people of this city." He didn't hide his disgust over the situation. Clearly it was a situation that he held at great importance.

  "Pests? So what kind of pests are we talking about. I might not look it, but I've committed a genocide or two on rat-things before." If we were dealing with pests, I was the man for the job.

  "Not normal pests, I'm talking about eldritch filth. The kind that latches onto society like a parasite and bleeds it dry. The kind that corrupt the good ethical people of this city. Utter trash." It took everything I had not to respond with a sarcastic But what do you really think about them?

  "So some sort of infestation or invasion?" The only thing I really understood was that Chief Nod wasn't fond of the pests, but I still didn't really know what they were or what we were dealing with.

  "You could say that." The man took a deep breath before explaining. "A few years back, we had a goodie-two-shoes mayor who had a soft spot for non-humans. We'd already had an issue with some of them hiding in the slums, but we would dispose of them as soon as we found them. But the new guy came in and said if they weren't doing anything wrong, we should let them stay. Can you believe that?"

  "I can't really say." I was doing my best to bite my tongue. I had my own thoughts, but I didn't know the actual situation enough to properly weigh in. "What kind of non-humans are we talking about?"

  "There are two main gangs, The Voormis and the Cult of Cthulhu. That's what they call themselves anyway." Chief Nod seemed disgusted to even talk about them. "At first, it seemed like they were behaving themselves, or maybe they were just avoiding getting caught. But recently... They've started showing their true colors."

  "What do you mean?" Up to this point, Chief Nod kept voicing his disgust while avoiding mentioning the actual crime. It was like a really angry version of my tangents. It was really frustrating. I thought I should probably treat Joan to a nice dinner when I got the chance to make up for how insufferable I was.

  "The city gave them their own communities on the edge of the city, but the beasts just couldn't behave themselves. They're not supposed to be a part of civilized society, it's just common sense." His brow furrowed at the thought. "They started a gang war between the two of them. Killing each other openly on the street, looting their markets, destroying property, just all sorts of disgusting unlawful behavior. To be honest, as long as they kept it in their camps, I couldn't care less what they did to each other. Good riddance, I say. But it didn't stay localized, it started to spread, like a disease."

  "So the attacks are happening outside of their designated areas?" Joan cut in, she was also doing her best to sift through Chief Nod's explanation. "Like the situation we stumbled across earlier?"

  "Right. They're happening around good human businesses and communities." He looked through a few files on his desk. "There are more and more disturbances every day. It won't be long before the entire city is overrun with crime and chaos."

  "It sounds to me like a fairly open and shut case. Arrest the people causing the disturbances. What do you need us for?" I wasn't really understanding. This wasn't an investigation, it seemed more like crowd control or just basic police work.

  "I need you to infiltrate the two organizations, find the instigators, and get them behave." The investigation itself made sense, but it seemed to contradict most of what Chief Nod had told us, and definitely contradicted his attitude.

  "You want us to calm things down so the two gangs can remain as long as they are peaceful?" I asked, making sure I understood.

  "I know I have my own opinions, but at the end of the day, I'm an officer of the law. I might not like them or trust them, but I just want the attacks to end. If they don't..." He gritted his teeth. "Well, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it."

  "Do you have any leads?" Now that I knew what we were expected to accomplish, it only made sense that we'd gather any information possible.

  "Aside from showing you where they live, we have nothing. The ones committing the acts are not high up on the ladder in the organization, they're just thugs. And most are dead before we get to them." He shrugged his shoulders as if he wasn't really bothered by their deaths.

  "Which gang do the night-gaunts belong to? From what I understand, they're not associated with Voormi or Cthulhu." Joan asked. I was glad she said something because I wasn't really sure what a Voormi even was, and I could only guess what was connected with the Cult of Cthulhu.

  "Night-gaunts, you say?" Chief Nod thought for a moment, stroking his beard. "If I had to guess, they're just hired muscle for one or both of the gangs. So the situation you ran across involved night-gaunts?"

  "They were swarming something, but by the time we got their, it was torn up so badly we couldn't really tell what it initially was." Joan admitted. That was right, she hadn't been able to see the attack as well as I had. I'd gotten a good view from above.

  "This might sound random, but I think they were attacking a cave man." I was embarrassed to speak up, but I wanted to follow any lead we had.

  "Sounds like one of the Voormis." Chief Nod clarified. "They're hairy little beasts."

  "The night-gaunts were working for the Cult of Cthulhu, then..." I voiced my assumption out loud.

  "I'd like to offer more help, but personally I've got an entire department to run." He suddenly seemed disinterested. "If you have any other questions, I'll set you up with Detective Placeholder. He'll get me involved if the situation warrants it."

  "I just have one more question before we go." I gripped the matchbook in my pocket. "Have you ever heard of The Deep Tentacle Cabaret?"

  Chief Nod met my eyes with a slight laugh and a look of pity. "You mean Cathy's club? Good luck with that."

  And with that, our meeting with Chief Nod had ended.