Chapter 35

  That’s the Good Stuff

  I was a little disappointed to learn we couldn’t loot the giant crabs. I could only assume that meant the reward at the end would be pretty damn epic. If it wasn’t, I’d be writing a very strongly worded letter to the Tower designers.

  Ever since meeting the auction master and shooting my way up the acquired wealth rankings, I’d become a little addicted to looting stuff. It made me rather sad when I thought back on all the missed opportunities from our earlier adventures.

  Never mind. After all, in the wise words of… me:

  ‘Fuck the past. The future’s where it’s at.’

  And I sensed a lot of loot in my future.

  Seeing as we had plenty of time to spare before the next wave, Rel and I decided to take a casual stroll back to the village. However, as we drew nearer and heard the thunderous noise rising from within the walls, we exchanged a look of concern and closed the remaining distance in a few moments.

  I leaped over the wall, rolled to my feet, and assumed my most intimidating karate stance. If a crab had managed to sneak in and harm any of the villagers, it was about to experience a fatal dose of treestruction.

  My jaw dropped.

  I’d been imagining many horrible possibilities when I heard the noise, but the reality… my mind would never have been capable of dreaming up something so bizarre.

  Hundreds of goblins had gathered in front of one of the platforms like they were at a music festival. And surfing the crowd was…

  Osian.

  I’d seen some incredible things since I’d left Earth, but I think that moment probably topped the list.

  Okay. It definitely topped the list.

  Now, as he did not possess the ability to form facial expressions, I couldn’t tell how willing a participant Osian truly was. But judging by the fact that his voice sounded rather high pitched – at least by his very manly standards – when he spotted us and yelled, “Rel and Pete have returned!”, I’m assuming the crowd surfing may not have been entirely his choice.

  His strategy became immediately clear. The moment the villagers realised we’d returned, their attention shifted towards us. Within seconds, we were mobbed by a horde of incredibly happy goblins.

  Rel, rather wisely, had taken up position on top of my head. From there, he gazed down at his adoring fans, waving regally like he was part of the royal family.

  Thankfully, it seemed the crowd surfing was an honour reserved exclusively for Osian.

  * * *

  Once the initial excitement had passed, Tarlin ordered the goblins back to their preparations for the next wave. He then filled us in on Osian’s defence of the village.

  I clapped the skeletal knight enthusiastically on the back and immediately felt a little guilty when he staggered several paces sideways.

  “Good job!” I said. “We hadn’t noticed one had slipped past us, so it’s a very good thing you were here.”

  Rel was staring thoughtfully at Osian.

  “Your blade couldn’t pierce the creature’s shell?” he asked.

  “No, Lord,” said Osian. “I ended up using it as something of a club and bludgeoning the creature with it.”

  “That will not do,” said Rel simply. “Once Pete and I have finished our conquest of the Tower, we shall ensure that you and the rest of your knights are equipped with the finest gear.”

  “Wait!” I said, suddenly very excited. “I kept a few of the items from my Tower grind-a-thon. I figured they might come in handy at some point.”

  I withdrew one of the Bone Reavers and held it out to Osian.

  “I’m sorry, Pete,” he said. “As I am not a Trialist, I cannot accept items that have passed through the inventory system. I may only claim equipment taken directly from an enemy’s corpse.”

  Damn.

  I shrugged and clapped him on the back again – much more gently this time.

  “Well, I guess I know what we’ll be doing once this Tower run is over,” I said. “We’ll make sure you guys are better equipped than every damn Trialist in this place.”

  * * *

  Second wave spawns in: 00:01:00

  This time round, Rel and I decided to wait near the portal for the second wave. We figured there was less chance of anything spilling over into the village if we kept the fighting contained to the area around the rift.

  Honestly, the blue light made a rather pleasant backdrop for our picnic. The villagers had even given us a nice little blanket to sit on. When we’d first arrived, Tarlin had ordered the tavernkeeper to bring us a meal, only to whisk us away to inspect the portal before we’d had a chance to eat.

  I was starving.

  I sat there happily munching on a bowl of stew as I watched the timer tick down. I wouldn’t hurt Derek’s feelings by admitting it out loud, but it was just as good as the stuff his wife made. It appeared that stew was a tavern meal that transcended all boundaries like culture, planet or even solar system.

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  Second wave spawns in: 00:00:05

  “Close your eyes and hold onto your hat, buddy,” I said. “It’s about to get real bright and windy around these parts.”

  I’ll save you the repeat description of the portal gearing up to unleash the second wave, but I will say this: if my hair was messy before, I dreaded to think what it looked like after it’d been restyled by wind powerful enough to convince the troll king he was a bird.

  The creature that emerged from the portal was tall and broad enough to make Azzarath look dainty. It was a towering giant of stone, at least twelve feet tall. When it took its first step, I could swear I felt the earth tremble beneath my feet.

  Fortunately, whoever had sculpted the thing had at least given it some clothing. Considering it was twice my height, punching a completely naked rock giant would’ve been… awkward.

  In terms of appearance, it looked almost human.

  A very large, very intimidating human.

  There was one thing about its form that was distinctly unusual, though. At the end of its arms, where you’d expect to find hands, there was… nothing. The limbs simply ended abruptly at the wrist.

  “Be careful,” said Rel, staring fixedly at the empty space where its hands should have been. “Powerful arcane symbols have been etched into the hollows of its arms. I can feel the energy thrumming even from here.”

  Hollows of its arms?

  While the creature was still disoriented from its interdimensional travel, I darted over to take a quick look up its arms. It was like staring down the barrel of a cannon. The inside was completely hollow, and dozens of arcane runes pulsed brightly along the stone.

  I shot back over to Rel just in time to see a second – and then a third – stone giant emerge from the portal.

  And then it fell dormant once more.

  I guessed this wave was more of a quality-over-quantity sort of deal.

  Interestingly, the first statue had done very little before its buddies arrived. It had taken a few steps and then fallen motionless. But now that the gang was back together, they seemed to come alive.

  One turned to the left, one to the right, and the third faced the village.

  Apparently entirely oblivious to Rel and me, they began to stomp towards their chosen targets.

  I cleared my throat.

  They all came to an abrupt halt. And then, with coordination that would make a synchronised swimming team jealous, they turned on the spot to face us. There was something rather intimidating about being stared down by three enormous, expressionless stone giants.

  And then the big bastards spoke.

  They sounded like robots.

  I hadn’t been expecting them to speak at all, but if I had, I’d have imagined voices that boomed like thunder. What I definitely wasn’t expecting was something that sounded like it had been programmed into a 1980s home computer.

  Lifeform Identified: Human

  Execute Protocol: Eradication

  Either they hadn’t noticed Rel, didn’t consider him worthy of notice, or perhaps they just really liked squirrels. Whatever the reason, I was feeling a little bit targeted.

  All three statues raised their arms, and I got front-row seats to their arm cannons charging up. As I watched the potent arcane energy building in the hollow barrels, a rather terrifying thought occurred to me.

  My clothes!

  I had reached a crossroads – one of those major life decisions with potentially catastrophic long-term consequences. I could dodge the beams and protect my clothes from a tragic fate, or I could give in to the slightly concerning urge to know what it felt like to get blasted by three powerful energy cannons.

  The decision was obvious.

  “Rel,” I said. “You don’t want to see what happens next. Cover your eyes or look away now!”

  Warning given, I stripped off with incredible speed and deposited my clothing into the safety of the inventory pouch. I’m not sure if there’s a world record for quickest time to undress, but if there was, that fucker just got destroyed.

  It’s quite ironic, really. When the statues first emerged, one of my initial reactions had been relief that they weren’t naked. And now there I was.

  Naked.

  The sacrifices I make in the name of fashion…

  I glanced back towards the village and really hoped it was too far away for anyone to make out details.

  It was cold, after all…

  The giants’ arms began to emit a whirring noise, the sound growing louder and louder until there was a definitive, satisfying click.

  Three beams of blinding blue energy crashed into my chest, and despite my best efforts to brace myself, I was sent tumbling backward through the air. I rolled several times before coming to a stop, the beams tracking me the whole way. The fucking things had locked onto me like some sort of Pete-seeking missile.

  You have gained 1 durability.

  Current durability: 37

  The beams finally ceased, followed by a low mechanical whine as the cannons powered down.

  Target Eradicated

  I swear the robotic bastards sounded a little smug, so I was rather pleased to disappoint them by hopping back to my feet.

  There was an angry red patch on my chest where the beams had first struck, little trails of smoke drifting from it. I reached down to pat it, wincing when my hand made contact with the raw skin.

  Target… not eradicated?

  “You big, beautiful stone bastards. That right there,” I said, grinning as I gestured to the mark on my chest, “that’s the good stuff. Do it again!”

  They stood completely still and silent for a good thirty seconds. I’m guessing their basic programming didn’t cover what to do in the event that someone wasn’t obliterated by their mega energy cannons.

  Eventually, they seemed to reach a conclusion, and their arms began to emit a whirring sound as energy gathered once more.

  I grinned.

  Rel, apparently fed up with being ignored, decided he wanted in on the action. His new wand appeared in his hand, and a bolt of lightning crashed into one of the giants with a deafening boom. It staggered backwards, a large chunk of stone exploding from its torso.

  But Rel didn’t stop there. Lightning continued to arc from his outstretched wand in one continuous, destructive stream.

  I needed to find out when Rel’s birthday was. I’d just thought of the perfect gift.

  Black, hooded robes.

  And maybe a red sword.

  The lightning ceased, and the giant Rel had just carved a chunk out of turned to face him.

  Lifeform Identified: Squirrel

  Execute Protocol: Eradication

  I burst out laughing, bending over and slapping my hands against my knees as I gasped for breath.

  “You take that back,” Rel said softly, his eyes narrowing until they were almost closed. And then, not so softly, “You take that back right now!”

  Unfortunately, I had to miss the rest of the exchange. The growing whirring sound coming from my two opponents signalled that another blasting was imminent.

  As I gazed at the violent blue energy waiting to be unleashed, a thought occurred to me.

  How fast were the beams?

  I bent my knees slightly, ready to burst into action.

  As the beams erupted, I shifted my weight onto my right foot, then launched myself to the left. One of them clipped my shoulder as it passed, causing me to stumble.

  I had no time to pause for thought. The Pete-seeking beams pursued me, and I pushed off the ground, launching myself into the air. They followed, the thrumming energy making my feet twitch with how close they were.

  You have gained 1 agility.

  Current agility: 27

  Fuck, yes!

  Sadly, my celebration was cut short as the beams finally caught up and swatted me out of the sky.

  * * *

  Tarlin did not know whether to laugh or cry.

  The champions were the strangest people he had ever met.

  When confronted with three colossal stone giants, what was the first thing Pete had done?

  Removed all his clothes.

  And if that wasn’t strange enough, when the giants had charged up their devastating energy weapons, how had Pete responded? Had he attempted to dodge them? Had he gone on the offensive to prevent them from firing?

  No, he stood there and let them blast him full force in the chest.

  When he saw Pete tumble through the air, Tarlin felt the weight of dread settle over him. He thought for sure that Pete had died. After all, who could possibly hope to endure such a devastating attack?

  Instead, Pete had jumped to his feet, brushed himself off, and then waited patiently until they were ready to do it again.

  And Rel…

  He had engaged the other giant in battle like some sort of enraged storm god. Bolt after bolt of devastating lightning crashed against the creature, each strike carving huge chunks of stone from the thing’s body.

  By the time he was finished, all that remained of the creature was a pile of smoking rubble.

  “I don’t mean to cause any offence with this question, Commander Osian,” said Tarlin, “but are they insane?”

  Osian said nothing for a few moments, his gaze fixed on the battle unfolding in the distance. Then he turned to meet Tarlin’s eyes.

  “Yes.”