Chapter 25

  Kick Them in the Dick

  When the sound of grinding stone echoed through the corridor, Kaelis was struck by an equal measure of fear and excitement.

  He glanced back to confirm his suspicions – the trap wall had slammed down, blocking their retreat.

  Then came the horns.

  Then the furious war cries – distant at first, but closing fast.

  And finally, the thunder of footsteps.

  As the first of the trolls appeared, Kaelis took one last look at his Grandmaster and his Master.

  Rel simply nodded.

  Pete gave him two enthusiastic thumbs up and shared one final piece of wisdom.

  “If in doubt,” he said, “kick them in the dick!”

  Kick them in the dick?

  Kaelis’s eyes widened.

  His Master’s combat genius truly was unrivalled.

  Dozens of trolls were storming towards him now, with more pouring in from the numerous side tunnels.

  Kaelis met the first head-on, ducking beneath the swing of a colossal two-handed sword. He stepped inside the troll’s reach, grabbed its head, and drove a thumb into each of its eyes. The creature collapsed with a pathetic whimper, clutching desperately at its face, as if it could somehow protect itself from damage already done.

  Its pained cries drowned out the fury of the approaching horde, making them hesitate and falter. The feral charge slowed and became a cautious advance.

  “You may not remember me,” said Kaelis. “But I remember you very well. The pain you inflicted. The nightmares you inspired.”

  He walked towards them, slow and deliberate, his killing intent almost tangible. The trolls seemed to feel it, and a few took a hesitant step back.

  “This time,” continued Kaelis, his voice dropping to little more than a whisper. “I am the nightmare.”

  * * *

  “Holy shit,” I whispered. “That might have been the coolest thing I’ve ever fucking heard.”

  My jaw sagged slightly as I watched Kaelis wade into the horde, an avatar of death. His punches shattered bones. He snapped necks. He gouged out eyes.

  And then it happened…

  He delivered a devastating uppercut, the troll's body flying into the air before crashing to the ground in a crumpled heap. Kaelis reached down and seized one of the creature’s arms with both hands. He planted a foot against its side, pinning the body in place.

  Then he fucking heaved.

  And tore the troll’s god damn arm right off.

  Following such a gruesome display, many of the trolls who were still in one piece lost their nerve, dropping their weapons and fleeing as fast as their legs would carry them.

  A few, however - apparently either blind, incredibly stupid, or deeply committed to experiencing outrageous pain – continued advancing on Kaelis.

  He raised the severed arm like the world’s most fucked-up baseball bat.

  And then he laid into them.

  If you’d told me a year ago that I’d witness someone caving in a troll’s head, I’d have said you were mad.

  If you told me they’d done it with another troll’s arm, I’d have worried you’d just escaped from an asylum.

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  Holy shit.

  Rel said nothing.

  Instead, he was doubled over in laughter.

  Deep, bellyaching, maniacal laughter.

  I turned back just in time to see Kaelis using the now entirely unrecognisable lump of flesh to finish pounding a troll’s head into paste. He let the ‘weapon’ drop from his hand and turned to face us, his breath coming in ragged gasps.

  Kaelis looked like something out of a horror movie.

  I won’t go into details… but god damn.

  And then…

  Apparently, it was not over yet.

  A few moments later, the motherfucking troll king ambled into view - a muscular behemoth towering over the cowardly trolls that trailed behind him.

  How cute.

  They’d run off to fetch daddy.

  * * *

  A whisper of fear cut through the battle lust that had taken hold of Kaelis.

  The troll king was an absolute monster, its biceps as thick as Kaelis’s torso. It wore a chainmail vest of dark silver metal and carried a colossal warhammer that looked as if it could topple a mountain, wielding it as if it weighed no more than a tree branch.

  It ran baleful eyes over Kaelis, then spat on the ground at its feet.

  “You kill my trolls? You stinky butt face!” it roared, its voice like gravel. “I crush you with hammer and cook you in pot!”

  At the outlandishly childish insult, some of the tension that had been building drained away, and Kaelis felt his shoulders relax slightly.

  “Stinky butt face?” asked Kaelis. “Maybe you should try looking in the mirror.”

  Kaelis grinned when he heard Pete’s roaring laughter.

  The troll king’s eyes narrowed, taking on the distant look of someone deep in thought.

  Several seconds passed.

  And then its face darkened like a thundercloud. It let loose a deafening roar and raised its warhammer menacingly.

  “You call me stinky butt face?” it snarled. “I make you die painful!”

  The troll king charged, the ground trembling beneath its colossal mass.

  It moved with a speed that belied its size, and it closed the distance in the blink of an eye. Kaelis barely had time to react – twisting his body slightly to lessen the impact – before the enormous warhammer crashed into him. Even though it was only a glancing blow, Kaelis felt his ribs protest vehemently as he was launched through the air. He collided with the cave wall in an explosion of stone.

  The troll king gave Kaelis no time to recover, its warhammer blurring towards his head in a devastating arc. Kaelis desperately threw himself to the side, narrowly avoiding the blow. It struck the wall instead, excavating an enormous crater, the power of the strike seeming to make the entire cave shudder.

  Watching their leader bully the one who had caused them so much pain, the spectating trolls began to regain their confidence. They stood on the sidelines, bellowing support for their leader and suggesting increasingly twisted - and often absurd - ways to hurt Kaelis.

  “BREAK HIS FACE ON WALL!”

  “EAT HIS EYEBALL!”

  “TAKE HIS MOM ON DATE AND THEN NEVER CALL!”

  It appeared that with its initial success, much of the troll king’s fury had been sated, and it was beginning to enjoy itself. It faced the crowd, raising its arms triumphantly as it basked in the adoration of its minions.

  When it turned back to Kaelis, it grinned savagely.

  “I kill you with hands,” it said, tossing its warhammer aside.

  Kaelis rose unsteadily to his feet, but the grin he wore was every inch as savage as the troll king’s.

  “Try me, you great, ugly bastard!”

  The two clashed.

  Kaelis’s durability may have grown significantly over the past week, but his strength paled in comparison to the troll king’s.

  He sidestepped an uppercut that would have undoubtedly rearranged his face and drove a powerful right hook into the troll’s body. The troll king gasped as air was violently expelled from its lungs - then it laughed and took a step back.

  “Tiny man hit like baby!” it jeered.

  The gathered trolls loved this, letting loose great howls of laughter and insults directed at Kaelis’s manhood.

  Kaelis dashed forward, ducking beneath a wild haymaker, then unleashed a furious combination of blows into the troll king’s body. It grunted and groaned as each strike landed, but it was clear that none of them were causing any real damage.

  Kaelis moved to leap back out of range, but he’d overstayed his welcome.

  The back of the troll king’s hand caught the side of his face in a devastating sweep, and Kaelis felt his jaw dislocate as he stumbled sideways. The troll king’s arm darted out, its fingers tangling in Kaelis’s hair and brutally yanking him closer.

  You have gained 1 durability.

  Current durability: 14

  Kaelis grinned – it looked especially feral with his misshapen jaw and the blood dribbling from between his teeth.

  The troll king snarled, perceiving Kaelis’s grin as mockery, and its other hand blurred up to close around his throat, effortlessly lifting him off the floor. It squeezed, long fingers clamping shut like a vice, and Kaelis felt his airway being crushed beneath the inhuman force.

  As Kaelis dangled there in the air, his body screaming for oxygen, a piece of wisdom surfaced in his mind.

  A truly profound one.

  If in doubt, kick them in the dick…

  In Kaelis’s greatest hour of need, his Master’s words had come to him like a bolt of divine inspiration.

  The disparity in their size worked to Kaelis’s advantage; the troll king’s dick was positioned perfectly for a devastating kick that would ensure the world was never plagued by troll king babies.

  Kaelis’s leg exploded forward, delivering a kick that made the troll king’s eyes bulge comically, as if they might pop from their sockets. It released its grip on Kaelis and sank to its knees, clutching its crotch in both hands. Its breaths came in pitiful, wheezing gasps.

  Kaelis grabbed either side of the troll king’s head, then drove his forehead into its face.

  The troll king’s nose exploded.

  He delivered another headbutt.

  Bones snapped.

  And then another.

  Its skull shattered.

  And another.

  The troll king’s body went limp, and Kaelis let it drop to the floor in an undignified heap.

  You have gained 1 strength.

  Current strength: 10

  * * *

  “Do you know,” I said, reaching up to scratch the back of my head, “when I gave Kaelis the ‘kick them in the dick’ advice, I wasn’t actually sure that trolls had dicks.”

  Rel laughed evilly.

  “Well,” he said, “I guess it was his lucky day.”