I MISSED NOT knowing. I missed only pretending, lying was starting to look better than anything else; better than facing the truth, better than facing your own face, better than giving in to your pain and facing another dreadful day or night that you'd lost cause to continue living. And by lying I meant lying to myself. Even having blurry images were better than the authentic ones.

  ''It's odd how my memory of things keeps on flashing in and out. . . I remember strange things, that don't feel like me-" I said, as I leaned forward on the table, my arm tucked under the other, as the other stretched forward, my fingers playing with the plate of food infront of me, placing the huckleberries in a straight line.

  ''Give your mind a chance to. All these memories are your memories.'' She sighed deeply. ''I told you this would happen- of course this would happen.'' She muttered beneath her breath more of to herself than me, with one arm tucked under the other, as she used it to stroke her right temple severally. She then brushed a hanging strand of her deep wild curls back in place with the rest, back at the top of her head.

  ''If you vodly sleep into other worlds many times and take up a place in the life, it's really not subtle, it's prominent it may start to change you. . . But. . . You know all this, the casualties, how it not just affects you physically but mentally too, it manipulates, rearranges and lives you vulnerable, possibly more broken than you already were. . . ''

  She went silent for seconds, soaking in breath, between her thumb and index finger cupping her chin, inclined her head, in her eyes I saw worry and distress. ''It damages.'' She drawled staring at the floor, but her shaky irises searched back to mine. ''You could have been stuck in there. And even if I managed to help you out it would have been far too late. You wouldn't even get your memories back you'd be lo-"

  ''But you don't get it, it was different this time, Dad was there, I had a house, a family. . . .a- a life.'' I heaved out, rubbing the front of my elbows on the edge of the table, as I faced them skyward, dipped my head in my hands, then let them run into my heavy dark waves, dimly I felt an idyllic thin flash back to me, surprisingly it was one of the good ones, the ones I actually liked remembering. ''It felt. . . '' I drawled, readjusting myself, sitting up and crossing my arms to my chest, and expelled out a puff of air, I furrowed as my dark eyes took interest at the dusty fire place.

  'Good' wasn't the word, it could be hardly or nearly impossible, when I thought about all the pain I went through; all the darkness, the uncanny new surprises, even Dad was a shittyass mystery momentarily at a time, All the issues at that high school, memories of Mom. . . My gaze rolled back up at her, she looked already exhausted of the idea, she about got tired of me repeating this roller coaster ride over and over again.

  She cut from me in what seemed like a haze, whipped around, as her light beige dress swayed, she grimly grabbed a cup from the mini wooden cupboard, from where she leaned against, and took her seat next to me around this small round wooden table. She tried to chew the words she was fighting to let out, fractured the faint irk on her face, replacing it with a light plain look, that was unreadable but I knew she was still upset.

  ''Better?" She asked, hitching a suggestive shoulder slightly upward.

  ''I wish. . . Even in my twelfth vodly sleep, I still felt like I was lacking something, I was more of him than me. . . Inexperienced and shattered. All I ever did was miss her. . .'' I said grimly, leaning back in my wooden seat, locking strong eyes with her through my feathered inky eyelashes.

  ''Even in that life she still wasn't there?'' Curiosity aligned in her voice, her hands cupping at the sides of her jawline, as she inclined forward. Her gaze was full of sincere raw emotions of empathy and the worse pity.

  I shot a dark look, tearing from her gaze, I've always hated the pitying pictures, the eyes of trouble, the dry gaze of promises of notions you thought, if at your will you'd make an envious difference, -pity- that jeering single, two syllable, four letter word, made me feel less than, exposed to vulnerability, obvious, desperate and stupid. I could feel her light eyes still staring, following my gaze, her filmsy fingers ultimately tickling their way up to my chin, she gently jerked it back toward her.

  ''Sometimes, some things are just as they are, no matter how many times, we travel into many lives. Our pain is always inevitably long and happiness short lived. '' She quipped.

  I shut my eyes, I felt a pang; the pain in my chest, swelled, it kindled up and the burning spread through out in my chest.

  ''I didn't recognize you. . . Every time you showed up to bring me back, your- your messages, I had no idea who you were. . . Kept asking myself who you were and why you wouldn't just leave me alone.''

  I reopened my eyes, and registered a sad face, sorrow and some sort of guilt ingested on her features.

  I bit my lower lip hard, ''I dunno. . . That world just felt. . . like no other I had ever dove in, it was-" I furrowed looking at the lined up berries.

  "Your birth home, that's why it's so different, you've only been exposed to parts of Ilandia or other realms, never one existing outside of our obit.'' She said studying my face. I looked back at her with worry in my eyes, I shut my eyes for the fourth time.

  ''Things ARE slipping I don't feel like myself, I feel like my soul is inhabiting anothers body, like these memories are not of my own but- I'm having a hard time remembering things- ''

  She made a soft bass sound at the back of her throat, ceasing my words. Cutting to surprising silence before her tongue clicked. ''Do you- do you. . . remember me?'' She asked quietly, her cheeks a brighter color, looking alittle embarrassed but all in all sad, her faint curious eyes laced down to the plate infront of her, hiding the truth in her eyes from me. I felt like she was bracing herself to be strong, she already knew the answer to that question.

  A faint ire sigh, left my lips, and I spoke considerably soft, ''I want to Wihlow, I really want to. . . But I have just vague, blurred memories of-. . . of you. I never did want to forget you. .''

  Her pale sun rise eyes marched back to mine, I saw in them dapples of alert and soft glee, not sadness, not the least bit of sorrow that I could remember her just barely, and you know what, inside those dim flecks of amethyst I saw in them a glint of ardour, her gaze was locked with mine, I had that whole look again, that somewhat fluttery one, but something quickly fractured about it, she squeezed her eyes shut as if refraining from something, or realizing something.

  ''Work.'' Proceeded out and her pale eyes reopened, she kept her index finger cupped on top of her upper lip, under her nose. ''I have to get to work.''

  I was sure that wasn't it, something else was. Her voice dragged in an edgy length and it honestly felt like a stabbing pretext.

  ''Right. . . '' but I just played along. My lips drew a thin line before, they curved into a light smirk, then dropped into a dragging heave. ''I have work too-" I pulled a hand over my temples, rubbing it gently.

  She cut me off with a buzzing hum once again and pursing her lips, she surprised me with a sheepish smile.

  ''Ummmm. . .'' She dragged, her silence railing in for long seconds, that got me anxious, Squeezing her dark brows, looking blush pink, and another annoying pity toll, but she actually looked cute, with her cheeks blushing all rosy. ''Since you've been gone for weeks, Dart found you a replacement-"

  ''You're being prudent, he fired me.'' I scoffed bitterly squirming at the reason behind that innocent fluttery look, my eyes never meeting her eyes but the outlines behind her shoulder. ''I don't know just how much more irresponsible I can get.''

  The only words I could use to writhe myself out of that sheepish moment, I knew vodly sleeping in the middle of a working week was idiotic, and yet I still did it. I hate to admit it, with every fiber in me, my whole construction, my mind and private thoughts but even I started pitying myself.