Delores thought she understood a lot of things after what Terry said, and she also knew she couldn’t let the argument end here. Tonight couldn't end like this. She looked at Elton.

  “I’d stop him.” Was all the bard said.

  She ran after Terry, calling for him. When she caught sight of him, his shoulders were slumped, his hands were in his coat pockets, and his head was down.

  “Terry, stop. We need to talk.” She said coming along side him.

  “We just did.”

  “Come back to the fire. Let’s talk about this like adults then.” She said.

  He wouldn't meet her eyes. He looked sullen. He just kept walking. She jogged ahead a few feet and stopped him with her hands on his shoulders. He still wouldn’t look at her.

  “Where are you going?” she asked.

  He just shrugged.

  “I dunno. Just away. Doesn’t matter.”

  She shook his shoulders.

  “Come back to the fire with me. We can talk this out.”

  His whole body seemed to sag.

  “Just. . .just let me be alone for a while.”

  Jesus, she thought, why am I the rational one all of a sudden?

  He looked away from her and let out a sigh. He seemed to shrink in on himself even more.

  “Terry?” She hated to resort to this, but she didn’t know any other way to get him to come back. “Terry, if you love me, you’ll come back to the fire and make this work.”

  He squeezed his eyes shut. She didn’t think he’d meant to say it out loud. She hated using his words like this, but she refused to let her father ruin one more thing in her life.

  “Fine.” He said in resignation. He turned and she led him back to the fire and Elton, who looked stricken by this entire night. They were now a log short so the two of them had to share one. She turned to Terry.

  “Do you understand why I’m upset?” she asked. It was a good enough place to start.

  “Yes.” He said. “And I’m sorry I yelled.”

  She looked at Elton, and they both shared a confused look.

  “Terry,” Elton said, “no one is mad that you’re mad. She yelled at you. Why shouldn't you yell at her?”

  “He’s right on that, at least.” Delores added, nodding thanks to Elton, “I’m angry because I feel like you took my agency away. You let him manipulate you. You wouldn’t leave when I asked you to.”

  He looked at her, and he looked dreadful.

  “Then why do you let him say those things?” he asked.

  She had to think about that.

  “Terry, have you ever had to stand up to your aunt or uncle? Like, really face them down in a fight over something?”

  “No.” He said. He looked like he was trying to imagine it.

  “Well, I have.” She said. “Your parents are a force of nature when you’re a kid. You can’t always shake that. You don’t know how hard it is. Can you imagine having to REALLY stand up to them when you were a child? Can you imagine not ever being able to because of their sheer force of will? Having to be who they want you to be?”

  Terry looked very thoughtful for a while. He finally covered his face with his hands and let out a low groan.

  “I never even thought of that.” He mumbled loudly into his palms. She smiled. The one thing she could count on was him thinking things through and admitting he was wrong. When he was rational, anyway. When he finally looked up she saw what she’d hoped to. Actual remorse.

  “D, I am so sorry. I really wasn’t trying to be a hero this time.”

  Delores gave him a side eye.

  "Uh-huh." She said.

  Terry looked at her very seriously.

  "This was, well, personal."

  “Delores," Elton said, "Terry may not have left when you asked at first, but he did try to leave before your dad threw that last insult. Which I still find staggeringly offensive. I might have hit him for that one.” Elton said.

  “He was trying to get a reaction.” Delores said. “He WANTED Terry and I to get upset. He’s read about you and he knows how you react to bullies. He WANTS to ruin my life. Jesus, he’s become more vindictive. I have no idea what’s gotten into him. He’s never been this bad.”

  She wiped her face with her hands. She looked at Terry.

  “I’m sorry if I disappointed you.” She said. The idea of it made her feel terrible, and that made her angry. He really did get inside your head with his way of seeing things. When you fell short of that, it made you feel like you’d kicked a puppy.

  “I don’t expect you to live up to my standards, Delores.” He said. “I’m sorry if I’ve made you feel like you had to. I only want you to be the best you. And that shouldn't be my business any way. You are who you are and that's a wonderful person. Again, I’m sorry. Deeply sorry.” He thought for a moment. “Still not sorry I punched him.”

  Delores barked a laugh at that. There had been some joy at seeing it.

  “Maybe he deserved it, but he is going to ruin your life now. He’ll have Takewell on you like ugly on rice. He’ll have you drummed out of the Order and turned over to clerics if the truth gets out.”

  Terry thought about that, and she was happy to see him being more himself.

  “I don’t know that Takewell even has the authority to do that while I’m on this mission. It comes straight from Rome so unless your dad has the Pope’s private line?” He actually smirked as he said that.

  “I told Elton what I could about all that while you were out, by the way.” She told him. He nodded. “Also, before we get sidetracked? I understand why you did it now. If I’m being honest, it’s good to know you can lose your cool over some things. It’s good to know you didn’t do it for some stupid knight thing. I'm. . .I'm glad it was personal.”

  Terry didn’t look happy at the praise.

  “I’m not supposed to get mad like that.” He said.

  “Who told you that?” she ask. “Where in the hell did you get that idea?”

  “I dunno. Everyone? Mostly things I picked up from people’s reactions when I DID get mad. I hurt people and things when I’m angry. You’ve seen me do it. I get mad and I can wreck a car with my bare hands. Anger is a tool. I take it out when needed and use it for the right job. I'm supposed to use it to help people and never out of spite. Then I put it away again. Anger's bad, isn't it?”

  Neither Delores nor Elton said anything for a moment. Delores was shocked. When she spoke, she couldn't keep the incredulity out of her voice.

  “What the fuck, man? That’s not how that’s suppose to work. We’re gonna have to unpack that another time.”

  “Yeah.” Elton added. “It’s ok to get pissed off at stuff. That’s what you do in fights. Sometimes nobody's wrong to feel that way, either. Take you two tonight, for instance.”

  Delores looked at Elton, curious where this was going.

  “Both of you had valid reasons to be angry. Terry, your first response is to save people, whether they need it or not. Delores, that bridge was already burned. You could have collapsed it yourself. Instead, Terry had to do it.”

  That made her stop and think. Why had she tried to salvage any of it? There was never really any going back.

  “Thank you, Elton.” She said, giving the bard a smile. She looked at Terry. He still looked lost and miserable. She put a hand on his knee.

  “I keep forgetting how little you’ve dealt with people. You don’t really get how all this works. You never had a reason to learn. You just seem to know exactly what to do sometimes and I forget.”

  He looked away, avoiding her eyes.

  “Hey.” She said quietly, and he looked at her. “We can work on this, ok?”

  Terry took a deep breath and gave her a small smile.

  “Thank you.”

  After several minutes of everyone being calm, Elton raised his hand.

  “All right, I need to ask about this secret mission thing if you two are feeling better? I feel it's kinda important.”

  Delores looked into Terry’s eyes. She realized she wasn’t really angry about most of it now. He looked worn out, but it was him again.

  “I guess so. How about you, Terry?” she asked. He nodded.

  “Yeah.”

  “Great!” Elton exclaimed. “Tell me about this mission. What the hell could possibly be such a big deal that Takewell can’t touch you while you’re on it?”

  Terry looked thoughtful for a long while. She could tell he was weighing his options on what he could say.

  “So, I felt a weird sense of dread going into his office.” He looked to Delores. “Remember?”

  “Yeah.” She said, wondering how this might relate.

  “Well, I kinda gave my self a couple of outs with my vow of secrecy, I think. I don't know if I did it on purpose or what. I wondered about it at the time. Like maybe I'm more aware of things than I think I am.”

  They both sat there watching him. Elton motioned for him to continue.

  “I swore I would only tell people he deemed trustworthy, and I said I would keep the secret until either he lifted that vow or I left the Order.”

  Royal Road is the home of this novel. Visit there to read the original and support the author.

  “So what?” Delores asked. Neither seemed likely to happen.

  “I’ve been thinking about this. If I can convince him you two are trustworthy, I can tell you. Or. . .”

  “Or?” Elton asked.

  “Or,” Terry continued, “if I do get booted from the Order, or they piss me off so badly I have to leave, I can tell anyone I want. I could take this thing to the media and blow it wide open. I promise, no one is going to be happy about this. Particularly not your Circle, Delores. I told you. I don’t like this mission. I'm starting to have serious doubts about a lot of things.”

  She stared at her Errant and a slow grin split her face.

  “Terry, I don’t think we give you nearly enough credit for your intelligence.” She said.

  “You’re the brains, D. I’m just the sword arm.” Terry said, scratching the back of his head.

  Delores looked at Elton and he seemed like he was grappling with something.

  “If you leave the Order, Terry?” he said, “I go with you.”

  “Elton,” he said, “what about your vows?”

  “I’m not you, Terry.” He said blandly. “Fuck my vows. You two are the first friends I’ve probably ever had. I go where you go.” He stood up. “But before anything, I go to bed. I’m not going to lie and say I’m bushed, but I think you two have a lot to talk about before we make it to Raymond tomorrow and I don’t need to be here for the rest of it. I’m just. . .I’m glad you two are good right now.”

  Delores watched Terry stand up and come around the fire and give Elton a hug. She heard a murmured “thank you” from Terry and Delores decided to join them. The bard patted both of them on the back and smiled at them before hitting the sack.

  After Elton had gone, Delores looked at Terry standing there. She sat down on Elton’s now vacated log-seat and patted the spot next to her. Terry sat after a moment and watched the fire. He seemed distant and she hated it.

  “So,” she said, “the woman you love?”

  He covered his face with his hand.

  “I never meant to let that out.”

  “Why not?” she asked.

  “You really want to go over this now?”

  "Yes." She said. He gave her a deep look of sympathy, and one of understanding that hadn't been there before.

  “You’ve told me about your life, D. I’ve met your parents now. You’ve told me about Gideon. You’ve told me a little about your friends, and other significant others.” He looked pained suddenly. “Even from your sister, you’ve had nothing but pain from people that should have loved you. It feels like something stabbing into my heart when I think about it."

  He hesitated and Delores narrowed her eyes.

  "I didn’t want you to have to deal with me. I'd just be throwing another weird complication at you. Something you might be afraid to hear. Or not want to. Not if you couldn’t say the same about me. Especially after only being together for four days, two of which I was unconscious for.”

  She shook her head. He was right in a lot of his assumptions. He really was so much more intelligent than she gave him credit for sometimes. And observant. He just didn’t always know how to process things. That wasn’t his fault.

  “How long have you felt this way about me? I know it hasn’t just been for four days.” she asked.

  “Over a month. Maybe longer. I hadn’t thought the words till I woke up today and realized everything you'd done for me.”

  She nodded and tried not to smile.

  “Head injury from falling through the church floor. Got it.”

  “Quit it! This is serious!” He said, trying not to smile. "Nothing changed. The feelings are the same. I just realized what they were. What they meant." He blushed more than when they'd been in the hotel room.

  “It’s very sweet of you to be concerned about hurting me.” She said. “You’re right. I HAVE been hurt a lot. And you’re also right in that I don’t know if I CAN say it. I've had trust issues for a long time.”

  He nodded.

  “That’s ok.” He said.

  “You’re helping with a lot of that. But, none of that hurt means I don’t want to hear someone say what you said.”

  He sat there looking at her and she arched an eyebrow at him.

  “Terry, after you said that? I realized that no one has even said the word “love” AT me in over seven years.” She turned and straddled the log and faced him. “I got to talk to my mother over these two days when I wasn’t watching you or reading. Yesterday I told her I loved her for the first time in ages. She never said it back. Didn’t even act like she was going to.”

  “That’s terrible.” He said, and looked aghast.

  “She was probably a good woman, once, but my father has damaged her. Everyone under that roof was damaged by him. The one thing you’re wrong about in all your assumptions about me is that I don’t need to hear it.”

  “I’m sorry, Delores.” Terry said.

  “I thought about teasing you with this.” She said. “I know how fun it would be to make you uncomfortable and watch you blush. But we're both tired, Terry. I’m drained, and I’m hurting. I don’t want to play any more. I just want you to tell me how you feel about me. I need to hear it.”

  He closed his eyes and took a deep breath before turning to straddle the log as well.

  “Are you sure about this?” he said. “I’m not a poet, and we’re both going to end up emotional wrecks from this. Maybe we should just go to sleep.”

  “Please, Terry.” She said. She had no intention of letting this go. “Just say it.”

  Terry reached out and took her hand in both of his. He just looked at her for a time, thinking.

  “D, you know that my entire life has been dedicated to becoming a knight like my dad. To becoming a better knight than he was. I’ve done nothing else. Literally nothing else. Fifteen years of it. At the expense of everything else I could have been or done. I didn't let myself have a childhood. I stayed away from society. I didn't want to need people, just help them. Then I met you.”

  He gave her hand a squeeze and she smiled at him. It was nice to hear. He looked down at both their hands an looked like a shy boy talking to his crush, and it made her smile all the more.

  “You were the first time I realized there could be other things to want. Something that I could want that didn’t have to do with being a knight. Something I could want for myself. Something that didn’t take from me.”

  That made her wince. But then he looked into her eyes and leaned in closer. Just enough that his eyes were on the same level as hers, and those eyes nearly said everything themselves. When he spoke again, she had to remember to breathe.

  “I love you, Delores. I love you more than I thought it was possible to love anything.”

  He hesitated. She was starting to shake. He held her hand tightly.

  “If you asked," he said, "I would leave the Order for you. I. . .I would make that choice if you asked me to.”

  She didn’t feel like her head was swimming. It was floating off to sea in a current. Her mind cast around and latched onto the smallest part of what he’d said, trying to process it, bit by bit.

  “This is at least twice,” she said quietly, “since New Orleans that you’ve told me you’re not a poet. Each time it was before you told me the most beautiful thing I’d ever heard, with words that would have taken Elton a week to find. Please stop selling yourself short.”

  “It never feels like enough.” He said.

  She scooted closer to him and placed his palm on her chest and held it there with her hands. It made her think of the vow he’d sworn on her. It made her think of the vows he’d renounced for her. She just kept looking into his eyes. He’d offered to leave the only dream he’d ever had. He’d be miserable, she thought.

  “I will never ask you to leave the Order.” She said. “Not unless it becomes hurtful for you. I couldn’t live with the guilt. I know you need to help people. I would never try to take that from you.”

  He leaned forward and put his forehead against hers and closed his eyes.

  “The fact that you’re willing to?" She said. "I don’t know what to say, Terry. Thank you.”

  “There’s very little you could ask of me that I wouldn’t do, Delores. Very, very little.” He whispered.

  She closed her eyes. She’d been doing so well tonight. She was not going to cry now. She hadn't cried at the end of her family. She wasn't going to cry over this.

  “Terry?” She hadn’t expected her voice to sound so timid. “Can you say it again? Please?” She felt foolish for asking, but she hadn’t heard it in so long. . .

  She felt Terry lift her chin with a finger and she opened her eyes. There he was, that sappy smile of his. His too-long bangs. His eyes full of what was now obviously love. How could she have missed it there this whole time?

  “I will tell you,” he said, “as often as you need to hear it. I will tell you any time you ask. I will tell you every day from here to the end of days.” It came out as barely a whisper. “I love you, Delores Cody.”

  She kissed him. It was a soft and slow kiss, the kind he seemed to like the most. When she stopped, she smiled as he took a shuddering breath.

  “Terry,” she said. “I would like to go to bed.”

  “Ok.” He said when he’d finally caught his breath. “I wasn’t sure you’d want to be in the sleeping bag with me after everything so I got yours out when I was setting up. You know. To be safe.”

  The smile on her face as he said that was huge. Her noble dope.

  “Oh, my poor, sweet hero.” She said, touching his cheek. “You don’t know anything about making up in relationships, do you?”

  “No?” he said, his genuine naivety still making her laugh quietly.

  “After everything that happened tonight, and after the things you’ve just told me? I desperately need to be in a sleeping bag with you.”

  For a moment his expression was shocked. Then he scooped her up in his arms, stood, and started walking toward his sleeping bag. She laughed and actually kicked her legs. She’d never been carried before. She started kissing his face as he walked and he was grinning ear to ear at her.

  The only thing that somewhat spoiled the mood as they passed, was Elton yelling.

  “Use that silence spell, for God's sake!”

  It was after breakfast and Terry was still standing there looking at his phone. It wasn’t his ludite-ism that had him locked up though. He kept thinking about the previous night. Even after they’d “made up” Delores had laid there looking at him and smiling. He’d told her that he would tell her he loved her as often as he needed to and she had taken full advantage of the offer. She would ask him to repeat it, he would tell her he loved her, and she would kiss him in that way that made him melt.

  He’d been right. She couldn’t say it back yet. He hadn’t expected her to. There was hurt there that prevented it. But after the first few kisses, he realized she was saying it. She was saying it in the one way she could right now. Every short kiss was an “I love you, too” that she couldn’t say out loud yet, and he’d started to treasure very single one. After that, she’d stopped needing to ask. He’d just kept saying it and she just kept kissing him and smiling. Sleep had been a long while coming.

  Terry realized he was still staring at his phone and his party was rapidly disassembling the camp. He typed in the number for his aunt and uncle’s land-line and hit the green button. He listened as the phone rang for a long while. He realized they wouldn't recognize the number and might not pick up, but after a moment, it did and he heard a familiar voice on the other end.

  “Hello?” Dottie. He smiled.

  “Uh, hey. It’s me.” He said awkwardly. He hadn’t even tried to call in the four months he’d been gone. He felt ashamed of himself suddenly.

  “TERRY! How are you?! Is everything ok? Are you alright?” Not a hint of anger. Just Dottie being Dottie. He exhaled and tried to hold it together as a series of emotions he’d been ignoring welled up inside him.

  “I’m fine, Aunt Dottie. I’ve been busy the last few months.”

  “I know!” she said. “Ernest got us satellite internet and a laptop so we could keep up with you! Your troubadour is doing a wonderful job!”

  He smiled. He didn’t read Elton’s posts or his blog with the Order. He just let the man do his work and trusted him. And Ernest had sprung for internet? Wow.

  “Aunt Dottie, I hate to impose, but, can I come home? Just for a little while?”

  There was dead silence for so long he thought the call had dropped.

  “You never have to ask to come home, Boo. Just come home.”

  Terry swallowed to try and get the lump in his throat to go away. She hadn’t called him Boo since he was a child. She spoke again.

  “I’ll have to move David into the house and-”

  “Actually,” he interrupted, “I was wondering if I could stay in the house. In my old room.”

  This time, he heard her choke back tears on the other end and he felt like an ass. He could have come home at any time in the last ten years he realized. Delores had said it. He did this to himself.

  “Of course.” She finally managed to get out. “Are you coming alone?”

  “No. I’m bringing my party, if that’s ok.”

  “Of course it’s ok!” She said, regaining some of her excitement. “I’ll get the front bedroom ready! When will you be here?”

  He felt better already. He needed the two halves of his life together, badly.

  “This afternoon sometime. I think we’re somewhere outside of Wiggins and I know Delores want’s to make a stop for Thunder.” Crap. That’ll be a surprise for them.

  “Delores.” Dottie said. “That’s your mage?”

  “Among other things, yes.” He cursed himself. Maybe keep your mouth shut, Lingal, he thought, omissions aren’t lies. You wanted that to be a surprise.

  “That’s fine.” She said. He could hear a smile in her voice and he could already imagine the teasing. “I’m going to go ahead and tell Ernest and David. Oh Terry, David is going to do cartwheels. He’s been dying to meet you.”

  “My cousin has been dying to meet me? The one I see on holidays and have known for fifteen years?”

  “You don’t know how popular you are, do you?”

  Terry had a vague idea after New Orleans and it hadn’t made him happy. Not with that reception.

  “We, uh, we can talk about that later. Look, I’m going to let you go so we can hit the road. The sooner we leave, the sooner I get home. I love you, Aunt Dottie.”

  “I love you too, Boo. Be safe! Bye!”

  He stood there after the call ended. He felt his heart sink. What had he done to his life? Now that he was learning to live, it threw everything he'd ever done into a new light and it wasn't pretty.

  He felt Delores grab him around the waist from behind.

  “You ok?” she asked, peaking around him. He looked at her.

  “I have so much time to make up for, D. I am truly King Idiot.”

  She walked around to face him, hands on his arms. She looked at him seriously. When she spoke, it was quietly. For them alone.

  “We need to have a talk about how you treat yourself later. But for now, how you’re thinking right now? That isn’t your fault. But it IS your responsibility.”

  He nodded. That actually made sense to him. Responsibility was something he could understand.

  “Now!” she said out loud, “We’re leaving and I’m driving this time.”

  He raised an eyebrow.

  “Look,” she said, “you’re going home. I want you to ride in. I want a sight seeing tour of your home town and you need to be free to point things out.”

  He just smiled.

  “Ok. You win. You can drive.”

  When everything was stowed, Delores took the driver’s spot and Thunder seemed happy to have her there. The scooter waggled his handlebars and she scratched his headlight and spoke to him like a puppy. Terry realized they’d bonded during whatever happened in Dans la Bouche. He was glad. Terry needed the people in his life to fit.

  As soon as he sat on the back seat and put his arms around Delores, she leaned back into him and sighed before taking off.

  “You could have just said you wanted to be held.” He said as he squeezed her.

  “Where’s the fun in that?!” She called over her shoulder. She had a point.

  With that, Terry was finally on his way home.