“Son of a FUCKING bitch!” I shout and pull my Malboro pack up to my face. “Okay y’all, hit those panic buttons cuz shit JUST GOT real…”
Corenya turns her massive helmet towards me, the narrow slit somehow managing to convey complete disdain. “What calamity has befallen us now? An imaginary friend slain? A direct hit to your ego?”
“No, WAY worse!” I declare as I show Corenya my last 2 CIGS!! “We’re in a critical shortage of happy sticks…!”
Amid the apocalypse, zombie-raising, and the constant threat of dying, I forgot the most important survival necessity!
Nicotine.
Can’t save the world, or at least my small corner of it, without my FIX!
”We’ve got HUGE plans ahead, my sons and daughter, but daddy promises it’ll only take like three minutes.” I say, as my mind’s eye builds the route. “There’s a Gas-N-Go just two blocks from here. QUICK and ACTUAL in-and-out! Just gonna grab some smokes and maybe some Twinkies. Man, those things could survive nuclear war!”
Corenya crosses her massive arms across her chest plate. The red muscle tissue between the armor plates pulses just a lil’. “A detour. For… tobacco.”
“Not just any tobacco.” I correct it while I stuff the pack in the scrappy and golden pockets. “PREMIUM! Factory-made! Chemically enhanced. Cancer-causing tobacco wrapped in paper and topped with a filter!”
“Your priorities are concerning.” She points out like an indexer.
“Naw, once you get a puff, you’ll know what ya’ boy means!” I say all giddy. “You ever tried smoking? Bet they don’t even know how to hold one, back home!”
“I do not breathe.”
“Details, DETAILS!” I wave dismissively. “You’ve got a mouth under that bucket a’ yours, right? Just think of it like a teeny-tiny ceremonial pipe! Vampires in movies are always smoking! Real aesthetic, VERY goth. Right up your alley!”
Corenya takes a step towards me and looks like a storm cloud. “What are your plans, summoner? Your true plans. Not these trivial diversions.”
“Whoa, so serious all of a sudden!” I take a step back and raise my hands. “Can’t a guy just smoke without the third degree?”
…Aw jeez, her silence was deafening…
“Look…” I say, suddenly feeling the need to be at least somewhat serious. “My mom’s the closest family I’ve got, location-wise. Also, my grandparents are in arm’s reach of momma, cuz she couldn’t live without their nursing home being close to work…”
I start rubbing the back of my head. Thank the lord she’s a control freak…
“The bank’s still three clicks away from the store, so… yeah! Let’s get some smokes.”
I start walking, gesturing for my Undead party to follow. Corenya says nothing and begins to low-tail me, with each step leaving a tiny crack in the asphalt.
“I wonder what Class she got.” I muse, trying to lighten the mood again. “Maybe something super strict and commanding, like a Dominatrix? She’s always had a knack for whipping me and dad into shape!”
*WHPSH!*
“She’s gonna FREAK when she sees you, that’s for sure.” I tell Corenya when we make our way down Maple Street. “Probably think I joined some weird metal band or LARP Group or something. But once I explain about the System and show her my AWESOME Undead Army, she’ll be SUPER… dead. From the heart attack… maybe.”
It’s sorta of a coin toss, if the coin had only one side…
I tap my fingers against my thigh, suddenly feeling a twinge of uncomfortableness in my chest. What if she’s not at the bank? What if she’s… not anywhere? What if she’s one of those usernames on the forum and trying to get random people’s help…
Oh God, I need my cigarettes NOW!!
But I can’t… Cuz I’ll get cancer… Later.
“She’s tough, she’s resourceful! She has to be okay…” I mutter, more to myself than to Corenya. “Bet she’s already organized the whole bank into a fortress or something.”
Assuming it wasn’t assimilated into a Dungeon…
Corenya says nothing, just keeps pace with her measured strides.
“I mean, it’s not like everyone got screwed by the apocalypse, right?” I continue rambling to myself… “Some people are probably THRIVING! Getting crazy XP, Leveling Up at lightspeed, turning into apocalypse heroes! ANd my mom’s definitely in that category. Definetly….
The Gas-N-Go sign comes into view ahead, its neon letters dark but still visible in the daylight.
The Gas-N-Go looks like it’s having a going-out-of-business apocalypse sale, complete with broken glass and merchandise scattered across the parking lot.
But it’s what’s happening by the front entrance that makes me skid to a halt.
A family of four, with a mom, a dad, a teenage daughter about my age and a little boy who’s maybe ten or eleven. They’re basically backed against the wall, surrounded by what looks like rejected props from a Nickelodeon game show.
“Holy crap on a cracker…” I mutter as I take in the scene.
Surrounding the family are a gathering of wobbling masses that can only be described as slimes. One’s an oily black that shifts and ripples like a gas puddle left in the sun. Another’s a thick, syrupy amber that stretches and SNAPS back with each movement. And the third is a sudsy blue-white that foams and bubbles menacingly.
But THAT’S not all!
*Scr-scr-scr-scr-scr*
Rolling around them are what I first take to be ordinary shopping carts.
Until one of them turns and its front platic piece contorts into a fanged maw… The metal basket on its back is also filled with broken glass and trash and there’s also a chain made of what looks like quarters, which they dangle from one side.
“Inspect…”
“Aw, alright, of course, of course.” Because why would the apocalypse be all serious and give us normal enemies when we could fight evil shopping carts and dishwashing detergent instead?
The father has this makeshift weapon, a metal handle from a floor mop, and he’s swinging it wildly to keep the monsters at bay. The mother has positioned herself in front of the kids and held out her hands in such a way, i’d make you think she had superpowers.
The kid looked mortified, whilst his sister… glowed?
“Alright, Rag N’ Bones, time to serve a heroic can of whoopass!” I announce cracking my knuckles and immediately regretting it because owwww. “Gnomes, y’all flank to the left. Doggie, you go right! Blisters, follow me down the middle. And as for you, Avogadrillos, circle around and—”
*Wsshhh…*
My battle plan got interrupted by this weird noise… kinda like someone letting air out of a balloon, only… sadder.
[Your Zombie has died]
[Your Zombie has died.]
Ah, hell NAH! I whip around to see both of my Avogadrills, only to be met by a pile of fine dust while they get blown away by the evil yet pleasant breeze.
“What the…?” I splutter as I watch the last bits of my mole zombies disappear. “What happened?!”
“Their Lifespans expired.” Corenya says matter-of-factly. “All Undead have limits, Summoner.”
“Yes, I KNOW, I was being RHETORICAL, fuck! ‘Course they had to clock in right when we needed them the most, DAMNIT!!” I throw my hands up in frustration.
There’s no time to mourn my late drill-armed buddies, though, because I think one the Cart Jackals had spotted us and is making a beeline in our direction…
*SCR-SCR-SCR-SCR-SCR!!*
“Whaddya know, it’s another change of plans! You’re on cart duty, Cory!” I pivot and point dramatically. “GNOMES! Show those Slimes a really bad time. Blisters, use that Dotter Bother for that sweet, sweet support~!”
Wish and ye shall have it! If the Slimes’s attention wasn’t yet on me, I certainly GOT it now, as the oily black of some nasty shit sizzled in the air…
[-6]
“YEOWCH!” I yelp as the icky stuff manages to reach and smoke my shoes.
The mother takes a step forward and suddenly a shimmer of light forms between her fingertips. A barrier! She’s some kind of defensive caster!
“Who are you people!” Shit, is that fear and hate I detect? Alright, Dave-o, play it cool!
“We’re the cavalry, ma-DAMN!” I IMMEDIATELY start to flex, just so that these humble folks know how HEROIC and totally NOT narcissistic I am!! “Or at least what’s left of it! The name’s David, that’s Corenya and those are Snow White’s Dwarves and her redacted ‘possum and doggie!”
The teenage girl, seemingly outta the stasis bubble, looks at my zombies with a mixture of horror and fascination. Who knew that animated beings could be such a hot topic! “Are those… dead garden Gnomes…?”
“UN-dead!” I correct the foolish wench! “Apparently, there’s a difference of a technical sort… It’s complicated, ok?”
One of the Cart jackals decided it’s had enough of our chit-chat and CHARGED forward!!
In tandem, Corenya also stepped up and placed her massive shield RIGHT in its path, with the crash basically being inevitable!!
[Critical Hit — (-38)]
SWIIIING bada-bada-bada-bada! The Cart Jackal practically flew through the air, while its front end crumpled like paper!
But it seemed like the launch-off seemed more fortunate for itself, as it just landed in a pile of trash…
[+10 Armor] [+10 Armor]
The little boy tugged on her mother’s sleeve. “Mom, can I do the thing?”
WOAH-oh, looks like someone’s gonna get a good scolding! But apparently… no? She just looks a little worried, weighed the pros and cons in the GODspeed and said: Just like we practiced, sweetie…”
The boy stepped forward, his small hands making intricate patterns in the air, and suddenly Lego Bricks, actual HONEST to GOD Lego Bricks, materialized around him and flew around in a mini-tornado before SHOOTING toward the Slime family!
[-12] [-6] [-8] [-6] [-7] [-10] [-5] [-3] [-9] [-1]
"Sweet mother of shit, my robbed future.” A small twang of hurt reverberated through my chest. I can already taste the shenanigans I’d have done with that Class…
But then, TOP DAWG of the family boxes his shoulders and gets shiftyyy~! “If you’re really here to help, then let’s do this. My wife can shield us, my son can attack from range, and my daughter—” he glances at her goth (swear to ALLAH, she dressed from head to toe in BLACK!) daughter, who looked like she was about to throw up, “—is figuring things out…”
“Ain’t we all, good sir?” I nod and the wisdom of a thousand monks seems to spread like a river. “This armageddon is a helluva learning curve! But enough of allat’!”
I turn my attention to these shithead monsters who seemingly managed to corner us some more! The adrenaline of battle’s basically giving my brain an incredible power wash!!
“FORM RANKS!” I scream. “Time to give these c-words a volley~~~!”
*BAAAM!* *KU-HLAM!* *PSSSsszz…!*
The battle of the stations explodes into FULL-motion and BARELY capable of watching it all and still MANAGING to micro-manage my zombie gang-stars!
Looks like the Cart Jackals are the territoriest Mob of all, since they’re even bumping into each other for who gets FIRST BLOOD, but by the golly, could that shit be used against them~!
As for the Slime, they just ooze forward with the their particular smells and motions in ways that make my stomachs do gymnastics…
“Corenya, get those fucking SHIT-HEADS OUTTA here!” MAN, i should really take some impulse control lessons, but AAAAH, It’s so awesome!!
Corenya steps forward and manages to DROP-KICK a Cart right in its stupid face and watch it go into the sun, and how its wheels spin uselessly in the air…!
[Critical Hit — (-42)]
Ah yes, we are so building this foundation, one brick at a time~~!”
But the momentum’s lost once more, as mommy dearest popps another wall of pure light to protect her cubs from the Spill Slimes’s violent campaign to get their samples in them…
“Please DON’T stray far!!” She calls to her husband, kids, and hopefully me. Her face is the textbook definition of frustration AND constipation!
“WHY am I such a good poet, all of a sudden!” I open my arms far and wide and let the Gnomes fly into the carts and slimes, biting and scratching them with their pop claws, just being really FUCKING annoying!!
[-12] [-6] [-13] [-6] [-10] [Critical Hit — (-20)]
“DUN-dan-DUUN-dan-Dan-du-DAA-DUU-DAAAN!!” I try so haaard, to play that orchestra song, but it doesn’t reaaaally matter…
Also, the Dead-End lunges forward and SINKS its yellow teeth into the foaming slime. Hope he got a good taste of it, cuz I’m pretty sure he has DIABETES now!!
[-8] [-2]
The Slimes hiss at us, EXACTLY like a cat, and all of a sudden, their coats are changing between each other!
…Not sure what they hoped to accomplish, cuz… we’re just gonna do the same shit we did before!
“It changed forms!” The father shouts, swinging his mop handle at a Cart Jackal that veered a lil’ too close. “They can’t do that!”
I mean… It’s in their Sheet, so… Also, who gives a shit? It’s not like they’re about to enter a second phase or sum’ shi’!
Anyway, forget that shit, let’s focus on something else!
I spin around and take it all in. Two of the Cart Jackals started circling our sides. Suddenly, a chain made of linked coins shoots out from one cart to the other…
“Watch out, they’re trying to CLOTHESLINE us!” I try to warn the family. I want to go under the chain, but then an EVEN BETTER idea hits me in the head!
“Corenya, would you kindly grab a cart? I’m in the mood for bumper car action~!
Man, our connection these past minutes has gotten SO much better, because I can practically see that happiness aura from a mile AWAY!! She gets is a bullfighter’s stance, literally with open arms, and when one of the Carts RUSHES at the 'defenseless' giant, she manages to pivot and catch it by the rails!
Up next, Corenya WINDS the Cart UP like an Olympic hammer thrower and LAUNCHES the cart with such force that it becomes a blur of metal and plastic,
*CRASH*
[-28] [-25] [-30]
[+90 XP] [+90 XP]
“STRIKE!!” More like 'spare,' but I am not one to kill the buzz. “Now push them into the Slimes!”
Speaking of which!
My Zombie Gnomes keep going at it and AT IT on these fucking shitty, uh, uhhh… gassy, soapy and fizzy flavors!!
Yeah, maybe I should workshop it a lil’ more, next time…
[-12] [-13] [-9] [-18] [-11] [-16] [-10] [-7] [Critical Hit — (-36)] [-10]
[+50 XP] [+50 XP] [+50 XP] [+50 XP]
AHHH, it’s so cool to do NOTHING and still win at everything!
But at the same time…
I clench my fists and do a little stretching. The muscle fibers that have been REINFORCED an…. I wanna say that they’ve been pulled like taffies to the point of making me the world’s GREATEST parkour champion, giving me a taste… a taste of DA POWAAH!!
Which in turn… makes me feel like I’m dying of boredom. Typical, eradicate all problems and man will still find something to complain about.
I’d need something really mobile for this playstyle, a bow, or a slingshot!
…Two words.
Guns!
“I-I got one!” Aw, COME ON, i was having an amazing DAYDREAM over here. I check out the source of the voice and see that the girl finally found her courage and I see that her fingers elongated into what look like silver wires!
“Whoa!” Looks like those wires just… almost completely covered the backside of the Cart, including its back wheels as well! “Alright, keep it steady!”
Who to send, who to send…” Demogorgan dog, I choose YOU!” I command. “Also, split up, will ya?”
I watch as the zombie dog contorted unnaturally, its body literally tearing down the middle to create a second version of itself. Both halves, however, immediately leap toward the immobilized Cart
*ARF ARF ARF ARF!!*
[-16] [-16] [-4] [-4]
[+90 XP]
“NAIS!!” I shout, and my non-state of standing is fucking completly gone and I issue the next command without much thinking! “GNOMES, to me!”
*Flutter-flutter-flutter-flutter*
My floating buddies immediately abandon their current targets and zoom to my side!
“Grab me and up, up and AWAY!!” The human mind is such a WONDER~~! I wonder what I’ll come up with next!
The tiny men latch onto my arms and shoulders and their tiny hands grip my pants and some of my fat with surprising strength. SLOWLY, awkwardly, they lift me a few feet off the ground!
“Higher!” I demand and they comply~~!! The Dwarves manage to lift their Snow-White 2 meters more! Looks like my plan’s already paying out with me spotting a golden opportunity.
“CORY!” I scream like a soccer mom! “A syrupy Slime’s behind that damaged Cart Jackal! Give us a 2 for 1 special!”
She nods once, charged forward and PRESSED her massive shield into the wobbling cart and sends it careening backwards into the orange Slime. The cart sinks partially into the gooey mass, with its wheels still spinning frantically.
[-22]
The Slime bubbles and heaves, trying its best to expel the foreign object, but in the process, it spread itself too thin! The panther seizes this chance to shove his METAL rod deep into the sticky guts of the slime, probably managing to hit its core!
[Critical Hit — (-40)]
[+50 XP]
The slime shudders and collapses into a puddle of inert goo!
I DIRECT my Gnomes to carry me to the nearest Cart Jackal and I see and manage to go over the top, unnoticed, and TIME my plunge downwards RIGHT into the Cart!
“I’m KING of the world, baby!” I laugh, then a second later, I come to regret my way-ward plan as my feet started to shake pretty badly…
The Cart not only managed to throw me off of it but also bit DEEP into my left shoulder, what the ACTUAL FUUUUCK!!
[-8] [-8]
The boy saw my predicament and sent a stream of jagged Lego pieces, which the plastic made it into its plastic mouth.
[-12] [-11] [-10]
“Oh my God, THANK YOU, Mayor of Lego city!” I tug at the Gnomes to go CHOMP on the little shit behind me! “Here’s a magical candy bar, works fantastically with growing all-powerful MASTAH builders!”
“Alright y’all, let’s give them ONE final ASS-KICKING!!” i shout and point at a Slime. “Get tha’ ma’fucka'!”
The family responds with surprising coordination. The daddy-o with the girlie-o to flank the Slime while th Sonnie-o made a Lego sword. The mama bear made some smaller shields, moving them to protect whoever’s in the most danger.
I turn at my Possum. “Ey, if you could detonate those Dots of yours, that’d be really amazing, thaaaanks~~!”
The Zombie’s eyes glow brighter, with both purple and pink—
*Pa-Pa-Pa-Pa-Pa*
[Critical Hit — (-36)] [-18] [-18] [-18] [Critical Hit — (-36)]
[+90 XP] [+50 XP] [+50 XP] [+90 XP]
Coco’s also on the move, and manages to GRAB a Cart and her GRASP not only crushes it, but also manages to shrink its frame… I guess she sucked some of the iron out of its body.
[-5]
The final moments of the battle are a blur of attacks, bravery, AMAZING carnage and everything in between gets completly and utterly FUUUUCKED!
[+90 XP] [+90 XP] [+50 XP]
And just like that, we’re fresh outta baddies to kill!
“We… we did it.” The father says as he pants and gasps heavily. Clearly, someone mismanaged their Energy Stat!
“Was there any doubt?” I grin, although my racing heart suggests there was some. I dust myself off and try my bestest to look nonchalant, despite there being a clear bite outta my shoulder. “Now, if you’ll excuse me for just one second.
I limp triumphantly into the Gas-N-Go’s doors, but when I try to go inside—
“Aw, RATS!!”
