23rd June, 2011

  “Hello again Amaranth, it's good to see you,” Jessica greeted Amaranth as she came in and sat down. Right away she took off her mask and hood, a change. “Like before, are you alright with me recording our session?” She shrugged. “I'm sorry, I do need clear consent or refusal.”

  “Go ahead,” Amaranth replied. “And...and can you call me Lia?”

  “Of course,” Jessica said gently. “May I ask why the preference?” She pursed her lips and stared at the ground.

  “I just feel like--” She cut herself off, biting her lip hard.

  “It's alright,” Jessica reassured her. “How do you feel?”

  “It...fits.” Lia shook her head. “It's like, I know I'm not Lia but it feels... I dunno.” She shrugged.

  “I think that makes sense,” she agreed. “Perhaps we should start there today, if you're open to it. You said you 'know' you aren't Lia, how?”

  “I don't know,” she replied. “Sorry.”

  “Apology accepted, but I don't think you've done anything wrong.” Jessica smiled. “Well if you're willing, perhaps we can find out.”

  “Sure,” she said, sighing. “Not like it'll fuck me up any worse.” Her smile faltered, but she pushed on.

  “I'd like you to try remembering two separate events and relating them to me,” she explained. “One from your life, and one from Amy's.”

  “So one from Lia's and one from mine,” Lia said evenly. “Why? I don't want to think about her life at all.” Switching her mode of reference again, perhaps those memories were affecting her more than either of them thought.

  “While that may be the case, those memories are still part of you,” she continued. “You mentioned that remembering certain things feels different though, and I would like to work with you to find out what that means. If this is part of your power expression--”

  “I told you, it's not,” Lia snapped. “It's just...god I don't know, but powers don't come like this, with crap like this.”

  “Powers are unique to each parahuman,” Jessica said. “That your specific case hasn't appeared in the literature only means it hasn't been studied.”

  “Or that I'm crazy and making it all up.”

  “Is that how you feel about it?”

  “No!” The shout made Jessica start. “Sorry sorry sorry I didn't mean to...fuck god dammit.” Lia drew her legs to her chest, pressing her eyes against her knees. Jessica saw her shoulders shake and felt a pang in her heart. After a minute, Lia continued hoarsely. “I'm not making it up, I promise, I promise, I... I don't want to be like this, doctor.”

  “I'm sorry it feels that way, Lia,” she said gently.

  “It's...you said you could help sort this out.” She swallowed hard. “I...I can't, I don't know what the fuck is going on but maybe...maybe...” She knit her fingers and squeezed til her knuckles were white.

  “Let's try,” Jessica said warmly. “I'd like you to describe how you feel while remembering something; I mean feelings whether emotional or not, a headache would count for example. Let's start with one of your 'Lia' memories, would that be alright?” A moment later, Lia nodded.

  She related a lovely story about eating lunch in a local park with a friend, a picnic. The way Lia said 'friend' made Jessica think there may have been more to that relationship, but she wasn't about to pick at what Lia was relating; that wasn't what they were working on with this exercise. She spoke haltingly, with long pauses, interrupting herself often enough that it was a little difficult to follow. She didn't cry, though Jessica could see tears building in Lia's eyes. When she was finished, she stared at the ground, her face pinched and body tense.

  “Thank you for sharing,” Jessica said. “So, how did you feel remembering that?”

  “Awful,” Lia said glumly, rubbing her eyes. “I um, sorry, yeah...”

  “Can you be more precise?” she asked. “Is it uncomfortable, thinking about your 'Lia' memories?”

  “It's...” She swallowed. “I don't want to talk about her anymore.”

  “About Lia?”

  “About Trixie.” The friend she had mentioned, interesting.

  “Certainly, Lia,” Jessica said with a nod, mentally filing that for later discussion. “May I ask how remembering felt though?”

  “Sad,” she said quietly. “Um, grief. Whatever.”

  “I see, I'm sorry this exercise has you feeling like that.” She shifted in her seat. “Alright, I'd like you to try remembering one of your 'Amy' memories. Do you need a break first?” She just shook her head.

  She did end up taking one, staying silent for a few minutes before she started again. This time, Lia talked about sitting by the fire at the home of her girlfriend's grandparents. Girlfriend, she didn't shy away from the term, maybe Jessica had simply been reading too much into things. Like before, she paused regularly, though seemed to be having trouble remembering rather than being emotionally overwhelmed. Of course Jessica wasn't in Lia's head, so she let the girl finish before offering a smile.

  “Thank you again, Lia,” she offered. “Was there a reason you chose two memories that seem...similar?” She shrugged and stayed quiet. “Alright. May I ask how that made you feel?” Another pause.

  “I...fine?” Lia pursed her lips. “Yeah, it was whatever.”

  “I see.” A beat. “Are you on good terms with your girlfriend?” She let out a sharp bark of laughter.

  “No, fucked that up royally.” She scoffed. “Fucking dumbass, why would she leave that note on a box on condoms? Like, wow, you know? Deserved that one.”

  “She did?”

  “Amy, me, who else?” Lia snapped. “What's the point of this? You just want me to remember stuff that makes me feel bad, or reminds me I'm just a shitty person?”

  “Only to see how you feel about your memories.” An idea was percolating in Jessica's head, but she needed Lia's cooperation. “I'm hopeful it may offer some insights.

  “Whatever...” She tapped her foot rapidly. “So...what is it?”

  “Shall we continue trying to find out?” Lia paused, then nodded, and Jessica smiled.

  25th June, 2011

  “Good morning,” Jessica smiled as Lia entered her office. “It's good to see you again, Lia.”

  “Morning,” she replied quietly not meeting her eyes.

  “How are you feeling today?” Jessica asked gently, though she could hazard a guess.

  “Tired,” she said with a sigh. “Had a bad dream.”

  “I see.” Jessica leaned forward slightly. This was more than she'd volunteered last time. “May I ask what about?”

  “I'm...” Lia swallowed. “I'm in a foxhole. Well, I'm not but...you get it? No it's...she's in a foxhole in the middle of the night.”

  “She being Amy.”

  “Yeah.”

  “A foxhole is a military term for some kind of cover, correct?” Lia nodded quickly. “Was Amy a soldier?”

  “Yeah I...” She swallowed. “I joined the army at seventeen, really stupid. Cadet before that.”

  “Ah, I believe you mentioned cadets before,” Jessica replied. “Amy was a Canadian, wasn't she?” Lia nodded.

  “But, um, anyway, you wanted me to tell you about how this stuff makes me feel when I remember it?”

  “That's right,” she said. “Would you like to share?”

  “I...” Lia bit her lip. “Okay this is going to sound weird but, it...it didn't really make me feel? Like, I woke up with a racing heart but it didn't really stick. Not...not like when I wake up remembering Leviathan or...whoever.”

  “You find those dreams more intense?”

  “Not intense more... Yeah, I guess intense, but it's more like they leave an emotional hangover and...and these ones don't.”

  “How did you feel in the dream?”

  “I didn't,” she said simply. “It was like I was watching a movie, sort of. I mean I, or Amy, was shit scared to the point she could barely aim her gun, but like... Okay it was scary sure, but so are war movies. It didn't feel like I was...there or in danger or anything. Does that make sense?”

  “I think so.” It certainly did if Jessica's hypothesis was correct. “So you were a little scared, but not greatly so. Can you think of a time in your life where you personally felt fear like you described Amy feeling?” She stared at the ground.

  “Do I have to?” Lia asked, voice small.

  “No,” she quickly assured her patient. “If you feel at all uncomfortable with these exercises, we can stop them. However I believe that by comparing memories with similar feelings, like the picnic and fireside dates, we may find some insight into things.” She took a deep breath.

  “I don't think I've told you much about...Mark.” Lia's voice shook as she spoke. “Or not much. He...he was the closest person to a father I had. I know he was Empire, but I don't think he wanted to be there. When I... I couldn't tell my mom I was dating...girls, you know? I thought I could tell him, but I was so nervous I threw up twice before we talked. I...I barely managed to tell him at all, and only because she was there holding my hand.” Tears trickled down her cheeks as she met Jessica's eyes.. “S-so...scared, right?”

  “I'm...sorry that was difficult, Lia.” Jessica tucked a strand of hair and took a breath. “Fear is what you feel, is that right?” She nodded and sniffled.

  The story has been stolen; if detected on Amazon, report the violation.

  “I--” Lia took a sharp breath. “I thought he'd tell my mom and she'd, she'd kick me out and I'd have to deal with that and...yeah, I was pretty sure my life was over. Seems stupid now, considering.”

  “Comparing past experiences to recent events may make it seem that way,” she replied. “But I can see how deeply it affected you, and it is important to recognize that.”

  “I guess.” She sniffled and curled up on the couch, laying on her side as tears fell. “I miss my dad...”

  Jessica still wasn't certain what was going on here, in terms of parahuman phenomenon. This at least, she reflected as she grabbed a box of tissues, was something she could handle.

  27th June, 2011

  “And how do you fe--”

  “Fucking pissed,” Lia spat, her cheeks burning. “She just fucking brings that up at a dinner party? Like what the fuck was wrong with her?! Mothers don't fucking do that shit, except my psycho one apparently.”

  “Could you use a different term?” Jessica asked, getting a frustrated groan.

  “Mothers don't fucking do that shit except mine, okay?” She crossed her arms and muttered: “Amy's was crazy too, it's probably genetic or something.”

  “Lia.”

  “I know, I know.” She gnawed on a thumbnail that had been chewed to pieces already. “Just...what other word is there? I've told you what she did, and even though Amy's mom never did something that bad she was still ins-- she was shitty.” She huffed and shook her head. “Mothers.” She spat the word like it was poison.

  “You're right, it wasn't fair of her to do that.” Jessica could at least agree with that bit of sentiment. “Breaking your confidence is a cruel thing, and it's something I take rather personally.”

  “Well...good.” Jessica tapped her chin, thinking.

  “May I offer some observations, Lia?” she asked after a brief silence. “About these exercises, just thoughts I have had while listening to you speak about your memories.”

  “Sure, why not?” Lia shrugged.

  “It seems to me,” Jessica began. “You're significantly more detached from your 'Amy' memories than your 'Lia' memories. Do you feel that way?” She shifted in her seat.

  “I dunno.” Lia licked her lips and looked away. “What do you mean 'detached'? I remember them fine...when I can.”

  “That is partially what I mean, the 'when you can'. You have difficulty recalling those memories, or more than you 'Lia' memories?” She gave a hesitant nod. “I also mean emotionally. Would you say that's true?”

  “I...yeah.” Lia sighed and tugged at her hair, a nervous habit. “I never thought about it, it's just...it's not harder to remember my-- Lia's memories. I don't like it though.”

  “Because you...feel more with them?” She swallowed hard. A minute later, she gave a slight nod.

  “I don't—” Lia grit her teeth. “I know what you're going to say.”

  “That you sh--”

  “That it's because I'm Lia right?” Jessica shut her mouth. That wasn't what she was going to say, but it was an interesting assumption. Lia's voice shook as she continued. “W-well I'm not, I'm Amy... Fuck I fucking hate my memory! I'm not Lia, she's just some kid who couldn't handle a fucking bad breakup let alone everything that's coming and--” She cut herself off with a hitched breath. “And I don't want to be me.”

  Jessica reached for the tissues as Lia broke down. The results of copying a thirty-year-old's memories into a sixteen-year-old's brain, if it was what she suspected, were horrifying. How it had been done Jessica was unsure, but the detail made it seem it wasn't artificial in nature. What did it mean, if trigger events could copy entire people from gods only knew where into parahumans here?

  One case file may not be enough...

  29th June, 2011

  “Yes we're doing breathing exercises, trying to give her the tools to handle being...herself, for lack of a better term.” Jessica sighed and took off her glasses, rubbing the sore spots on her nose. “But that's not why I called. Doctor Fleischmann, you've written two papers on the effects powers can have on memories. I believe we can help each other here.”

  “My research is public,” he replied over a crackling phone line. “You're welcome to peruse.”

  “I don't need your research, though I'll admit it did inspire me.” He let out what sounded like a proud 'harumph'. “I need your insight. Do you think this hypothesis has merit?”

  “I've only known powers to alter, block, or remove memories,” Fleischmann sighed. “Besides twin cases, where another person is present, I don't know them to add anything beyond the power itself.”

  “And what about precognitives?”

  “What about them?” He asked. “You mentioned something about your patient remembering future events, certainly, but why would whatever is providing powers at the moment of a trigger event add an entire personality engram to wrap it up in? I won't say it's impossible, god knows our field was impossible forty years ago, but I wouldn't come up with that hypothesis. I'm sorry Doctor Yamada.” She sighed.

  “Well I appreciate the critique if nothing else.” Jessica shook her head. “I still think it's the most likely option. What else is there, Thinker or Master manipulation? No signs of it. No history of an encounter with the Simurgh, and no family history of dissociative or schizophrenic disorders. She's not making it up, give me that much credit at least.”

  “And what if she is, or at least misrepresenting things?”

  Jessica hung up. She didn't have an answer for him, because the same thought had occurred to her more than once. She'd tried to not let it affect Lia's therapy, but doubt was an ugly poison. Jessica always hoped her patients would be truthful, it was the only way she could help. If they weren't though... She picked up her phone and dialed.

  “Dean Stansfield,” he answered a moment later.

  “Hello Dean, it's Jessica Yamada, how are you this evening?” She asked, putting a smile into her voice.

  “Oh, hey doctor, I'm doing okay,” Dean replied, his own voice brightening. “Just taking a break, or as much of one as anyone can these days. And you?”

  “That's actually why I called, I had a question about Amaranth.”

  “Oh?” He sounded confused. “I...haven't seen her in a while. Is she okay?”

  “She's doing some hard work,” Jessica replied. “I...Dean I hate to ask this, but did she relate what is affecting her to you?” There was a long pause.

  “About...Amy?” Dean asked at last, hesitant.

  “The other Amy.” He made an affirmative noise. “And was she telling the truth?”

  “Truth isn't an emotion,” he hedged. “I'll tell you what I tell the PRT when they want to put it on statements: I can tell when people believe what they're saying.”

  “And?”

  “She did,” Dean said. “And...for what it's worth, I believe her too.”

  “Thank you Dean,” Jessica sighed. “That was all, I hope you have a good evening.”

  “You too,” he replied. “Hope I helped.” After she hung up, she realized he had.

  Sometimes, it seemed, amateur insight was better than professional.

  1st July, 2011

  “That sounds like it was a lovely time,” Jessica said when Lia had finished. “Thank you for sharing.”

  “It's whatever,” Lia grumbled. “I felt good during it sure but...I don't know, seems sour looking back at things.”

  “I can understand why that would be,” she said with an understanding smile. “But how did you feel about it?”

  “Nostalgic, I guess.” She sighed. “I kinda miss the Boardwalk.”

  “It will be rebuilt.”

  “Not if Skitter has anything to say about it,” she scoffed. “Anyway, you want another Amy memory that matches? I think she went to a place called the PNE a couple times...”

  “I'm glad you feel comfortable enough to offer,” Jessica replied honestly. “But no, I don't think comparing your two sets of memories is going to be very constructive. But I would like to hear more about, well, what you feel comfortable sharing about yourself.” She shifted in her seat.

  “Why?” Lia asked quietly, staring at the ground. “I...I can talk about m-- Lia, but I don't like to.”

  “I know,” Jessica replied gently. “Because you don't enjoy thinking of yourself as Lia, that's what you've expressed to me before.” She nodded. “Can you explain why that is?”

  “Just I-- she's useless,” Lia said glumly. “Freaks out at the littlest thing, can't change anything, I...” She chewed on her lower lip.

  “I, personally, would not describe recent events as 'little' in the slightest,” Jessica countered. “And I believe you expressed that you have managed to change events, have you not?”

  “I...guess.” She swallowed and shook her head. “Still like, yeah, I don't know. Why does it matter?”

  “Emotions are a deeply important part of who we are, Lia,” Jessica explained. “Learning to process them in a healthy way all the more. I understand it may be more comfortable to fall back on your alternate set of memories that lack that connection, but it isn't a long term solution. I suspect the recent encounter with Echidna was a trigger for this?” Lia flinched hard at the word 'trigger'. Oh.

  “I d-don't want to--” Her breath hitched. “I want to be someone people care about...”

  “I know a lot of people that care about you, about Amelia D'souza.” Lia's eyes filled with tears and Jessica sat on the couch next to her, holding out a box of tissues. “I'm only one of them.” Her lower lip trembled.

  “C-can I...” She leaned over slightly and Jessica wrapped an arm around her shaking shoulders.

  “We care, Lia,” Jessica said gently as Lia curled up at her side. “However you choose to present yourself, we care. All I want personally is for you to live a whole, healthy life. It may seem difficult now, but I promise it's better to be true to yourself and your feelings than to push them all down and pretend they aren't real.”

  “I wish they weren't...” Lia moaned and Jessica rubbed her shoulder.

  “I hope, with time, you can come to embrace them.”

  Jessica really did hope, because she wasn't sure there was a sustainable alternative.

  5th July, 2011

  “Well Lia,” Jessica said, shutting off the recorder. “That brings us to the end of this session. How are you feeling?”

  “Like all my insides have been scraped out and rejiggered,” Lia replied, sounding annoyed; a far cry from the hate she expressed not long ago. “It's...I don't like it, but you said it'll get better right?”

  “As long as you continue what we've started here,” she said. “Our frequent visits are coming to an end, but you'll still see me regularly. Or if not me, one of my colleagues. I can assure you that they feel the same as I do.” Broadly at least.

  “O-okay.” She took a shaking breath. “It's still...weird.”

  Jessica silently agreed with that sentiment. Trying to help a teenager process an entire adult's worth of memories had been challenging, probably far worse for Lia herself. That she had made enough progress to even accept her personal memories and feelings as hers, that she wasn't denying them anymore, was a triumph for Jessica. There was still a long road ahead though...

  “And more generally, how are you feeling?” Jessica asked. “Regarding both your therapy, and potentially returning to work. If you aren't able, I can submit a request for further treatment to the director, though he--”

  “It's fine,” Lia blurted, taking a deep breath. “Um, I actually mean that. I feel like, I don't know, more intact? It's...I still think Amy's memories are like, useful and stuff, you know?”

  “I would agree, so long as they don't cause to too much distress.” She said.

  “They...I think it's fine,” she said with a shrug. “As long as I'm not like, trying to be her?”

  “That sounds reasonable,” Jessica agreed. “I'm proud of you, Lia. Making such progress in a short period, especially after all you've been through, is a great thing.”

  “I wish it was easier,” Lia groused.

  “If it were, I'd be out of a job,” she joked, getting a small smile from the Ward. “Just give it time Lia, I promise that as long as you try, things will get easier.”

  “Thanks,” she said, glancing up and meeting Jessica's eyes. “Really um, thank you Doctor Yamada. I...I don't know what else to say.”

  “You're very welcome, I'm happy I was able to help.” She opened her arms and Lia wrapped her up in a tight hug. Not for the first time, Jessica was struck by how small Lia was. “Remember, if you ever need to talk...”

  “I have your number.” She pulled away, wiping her eyes. “I'll use it, I promise I will.”

  “I believe you.”

  “I um.” Lia swallowed hard. “I should talk to Amy.”

  “Amy as in--”

  “Da-- Lavere,” she corrected herself. “She um, yeah.”

  “May I ask why?” Jessica said, cocking her head. “I don't ask to discourage you, but I want to understand your decision.”

  “Well, see, all my precog stuff comes from the other Amy, and she uh, she knew a lot about m-- our Amy. I guess, I just want her to know the whole story. I know she might be upset, but it's better that she knows the whole truth. It...it would be weird if I tried being friends with her otherwise.”

  “You've been thinking about this.” Lia nodded sharply.

  “I know it's important to keep secrets, and...and I don't know if I'll tell anyone else.” She nibbled at a fingernail. “But...but I feel like if I don't tell her now, then if it comes out in the future she'll be really hurt.”

  “That's very mature of you.” She scoffed.

  “Better be fucking mature with thirty extra years on everyone,” Lia muttered.

  “Lia.” She sighed.

  “Sorry, I know it's...simulated, or like not mine, but it still feels like it should mean something.” She rubbed her eyes. “Sorry, stuff doesn't have to mean something to happen but...it would be nice if this did.”

  “May I offer my opinion?” Lia narrowed her eyes, but nodded after a moment. “I think you have already made it mean something. You saved Dean's life, you saved Amy Lavere from your prediction, and you did all that at great personal cost. Either of them would agree, I think, that means a great deal.”

  “Thank you,” she whispered a minute later. “For everything I...thank you doctor.”

  With one last hug, Lia pulled up her mask and left Jessica's office. She sighed as the door shut and began picking up the used tissues, throwing them in the trash before retrieving her recorder and sitting down at her desk. After plugging it in, Jessica transferred the audio files and fed them into a program to transcribe it all for her. Once that was done, she leaned back in her chair and stared at the progress bar.

  God, what a case. It would have to be properly redacted given that it involved a minor, but it was one for the books. Jessica still wasn't sure how it related to Lia's power, beyond the precognitive aspect, but that would be for follow up researchers who specialized in such things. They could hypothesize to their hearts' content, and once Lia was an adult she could choose to work with them or not. A grin touched her lips, imagining that future conversation.

  With a sigh, Jessica began typing up a report to the director; he had another soldier for the cause...