Kai walked until the purple checkerboard floor ended abruptly against an invisible wall.

  He poked it. The air rippled like water, gelatinous and firm. Floating in the sky, huge white letters pulsed with a slow, hypnotic rhythm:

  [ LOADING... ]

  [ 99% ]

  Kai sat down on a pixelated rock. He waited.

  Ten minutes passed.

  The text remained: [ 99% ]

  "It’s stuck," Kai realized, a familiar, cold dread settling in his stomach. "It’s the infinite loading loop. I’m going to die here. I’m going to starve to death staring at a progress bar while the server tries to load a tree texture."

  A smaller text box appeared under the loading bar, mocking him.

  Game Tip: To defeat enemies, reduce their Health Points to zero!

  "Thanks, Sherlock," Kai muttered, rubbing his face. "If I ever meet the dev team, I’m filing a ticket with my fist."

  His stomach gave a violent growl, echoing in the silent, artificial void. The smell of the burnt skiffs was gone, replaced by the sterile scent of ozone. He was starving. He hadn't eaten since the stale bagel at his desk in London.

  "I need food," Kai groaned. "I don't care what it is. I need a Buffet."

  He said it sarcastically, mostly to the empty air. But in this broken world, sarcasm was apparently a valid command line input.

  Ping.

  [ Input Accepted: "Buffet" ]

  [ Context Analysis: User is malnourished. ]

  [ Summoning... ]

  The air above him tore open with the sound of splintering wood. There was no autocorrect error this time. The System apparently agreed that a buffet was necessary, and it was going to deliver it with maximum velocity.

  A massive, twenty-foot-long mahogany banquet table crashed down from the sky. It smashed right through the invisible "Loading" wall, shattering the barrier like a glass window.

  CRASH.

  The table landed with a heavy thud, groaning under the weight of silver platters. There were mountains of roast chicken, towers of shrimp, bowls of pasta, and—most importantly—a three-tiered chocolate fountain bubbling away.

  "Holy..." Kai stared at the feast.

  The [ 99% ] text in the sky flickered, panicked, and then dissolved into static. The barrier was broken. Through the hole the table had made, Kai could see normal, green, high-definition trees.

  "I literally brute-forced the loading screen with catering," Kai said, grinning maniacally.

  He didn't question it. He grabbed a chicken leg in one hand and a handful of shrimp in the other and scrambled over the table, crossing back into the "Real World" while chewing frantically.

  Kai emerged on the other side of the glitch zone, wiping grease off his chin. The transition was jarring. One second, he was standing on purple squares; the next, he was surrounded by lush ferns, buzzing insects, and the smell of damp earth.

  This story has been taken without authorization. Report any sightings.

  And standing directly in front of him, blocking the path, was a Knight.

  The man looked impressive, in a "I've been standing here for a decade" sort of way. He wore full silver plate armor, a flowing red cape that was now tattered, and a helmet with a majestic plume.

  However, the armor was covered in thick, fuzzy moss. A small blue bird had built a nest on his left pauldron. Vines were growing up his greaves, rooting him into the soil.

  The Knight’s visor snapped open with a screech of rusted metal. A pair of intense, watery blue eyes stared at Kai.

  "HALT!" the Knight bellowed. His voice cracked, dry and unused to speech. "Art thou... cough... Art thou the Chosen One?"

  Kai swallowed a piece of shrimp. "Uh. Maybe? I'm Kai."

  The Knight let out a sob of pure relief. "Seven hundred years! I have kept vigil at this Sacred Grove for seven hundred years! The Prophecy foretold the stars would align and the Veil of Chaos would part!"

  "Seven hundred?" Kai stepped back. "Dude, I just came from a zone made of purple squares where people were T-Posing."

  "The Void!" Gideon gasped, his eyes widening. "You have traversed the Realm of Chaos where form has no meaning? Truly, your will is iron."

  He struggled to move toward Kai, but the vines on his legs held him fast. He tripped, flailing his arms, but managed to stay upright by leaning heavily on the hilt of a massive greatsword planted in the earth.

  "I am Sir Gideon of the Gilded Frame," the Knight announced, trying to regain his dignity while peeling a vine off his knee. "And I am here to bestow upon you the Relic of the Ancients!"

  Gideon grunted, straining to lift the massive sword. With a shower of dirt, he pulled it free. It was a beautiful weapon, glowing with a faint holy light. Runes were etched along the steel, pulsing with magic.

  "Behold!" Gideon shouted, veins popping in his neck from the exertion. "The Blade of Aethelgard! It cleaves mountains! It severs souls! Take this Sword, Hero!"

  Kai reached out. "Okay, cool. I guess I need a weapon. Nice Sword."

  As his hand touched the hilt, the System chimed.

  Ping.

  [ System Message: User input detected. ]

  [ Error: "Sword" is flagged as 'Too Violent' for a Tutorial Intro. ]

  [ Autocorrect Suggestion: Did you mean "Gourd"? ]

  [ Auto-Applying in 0.1s... ]

  "Wait, what? No!" Kai yanked his hand back. "Cancel!"

  POOF.

  The sound was soft, like a pillow being fluffed.

  The majestic steel blade in Gideon’s hand vanished instantly. In its place, Gideon was now clutching the green, curly stem of a massive, bulbous, orange pumpkin.

  The weight distribution changed instantly. The pumpkin was heavy, round, and awkward. Gideon lost his balance.

  "What sorcery is this?!" Gideon screamed as he toppled over, landing face-first in the dirt. The pumpkin rolled away, stopping against a tree with a hollow thud.

  Kai stared at the pumpkin. "I... I think I just turned Excalibur into a vegetable."

  Gideon scrambled to his knees, his mossy armor clanking loudly. He looked at his empty hands. He looked at the pumpkin. He looked at Kai with pure horror.

  "My sword," Gideon whispered, his voice trembling. "My family heirloom. The blade that sealed the Demon King..."

  "It's... very festive?" Kai offered weakly. "Great for soup?"

  "YOU TURNED IT INTO A GOURD!" Gideon shrieked. He grabbed the pumpkin and tried to swing it like a weapon. It looked ridiculous. "How am I supposed to slay the Darkness with a squash?!"

  "Look, it was an accident!" Kai raised his hands defensively. "My power is... glitchy. I have a bug."

  "A bug?" Gideon froze. He looked at the pumpkin, then at Kai. "You invoke insect magic? You are a Druid of the Swarm?"

  "No, I mean—forget it. I'm a Developer."

  "A... Devil-oper?" Gideon gasped. "A dark god?"

  "Sure. Let's go with that," Kai sighed. He walked over to the buffet table, which was still half-sticking out of the glitch zone. "Look, I can't fix the sword right now. But I have roast chicken. Do you want some?"

  Gideon blinked. He looked past Kai at the chocolate fountain bubbling in the sunlight.

  "Is that..." Gideon pointed a trembling metal finger. "Is that a font of eternal cocoa?"

  "Yeah. Help yourself."

  The Knight dropped the pumpkin, fell to his knees, and wept again. "Seven hundred years of eating moss... The Hero is truly benevolent."

  Ping.

  [ Achievement Unlocked: "Organic Formatting" ]

  [ Successfully downgrade a Legendary Item to a Produce Item. ]