Opening boxes did not feel like Christmas. "Why did I get platinum boxes and you only got gold?"

  Lacie chuckled. "For the fan box, it's because I already had followers, but you didn't. Mine jumped, but yours fucking skyrocketed. For the spicy boxes, I think that's AI discretion. I'm almost certain yours is better because you're embarrased about it."

  "I hate this place." But I still opened the spicy box, just like I'd open the fan box when it arrived. It was another patch.

  Major Dancewear Sponsorship Decal

  The sort of brand that makes sexy clothes to sell to preteen dancers so their aging mothers can dream of being young again. Nothing says classy like a porn advertisement on a teenager.

  This patch depicts a bunny-ears silhouette. This sponsorship is from Jailbait Dancewear. I wonder if I already know things that you don't know?

  +5 Dexterity

  +10% Dexterity

  +5 to Dance skill

  This is a major sponsorship with a kicker on dance.

  "Is it even possible to kill someone with dance?"

  Lacie smirked and said, "I could take you out with one move." Her face froze, regretting her instinctive jab. "Alright, I'll open mine."

  Her spicy box, like mine, had only one thing in it.

  Tongue Stud of the Woodswitch Queen

  Banished to the wilds because she insisted on speaking her mind, this uppity lady declared herself queen of the woods. This may seem like a difficult thing to claim, but she could talk to the animals and convinced them to vote for her. That's how monarchies work, right?

  +5% Intelligence.

  +5 levels to the Tree spell.

  I could see the desire to say something to make me blush, but she just turned away, pierced her tongue on the spot, and healed herself to stop the bleeding. She said something, and I saw a glimmering black gem shining just shy of the tip of her tongue.

  "Um, what was that?"

  "I said, although you likely don't realize it, only one of us slept enough."

  I frowned, trying to figure out the innuendo.

  "Your ignore fatigue skill added a bonus at level 10 that lets you rest faster. This is why we read our skills. For you, all beds operate as one level better. We only slept for two hours, so I'll get a fatigue debuff if we try to do much together. But, before you go, I need to snag some gear for the dye tubs. Alright?"

  I nodded. "Alright. Take whatever you want. Then I'll scout. And I'll be careful."

  Labels Matter

  I quickly realized what the theme for our region was: Ooze. It might be a problem. I didn't have experience with them, but I got one on its own and tried a few quick throws. It healed the ruptures instantly, so there were still some creatures I couldn't just bleed out.

  Yeah, this was a bad place to be. I scouted a path through the wilds to another town, going slow because Lacie had convinced me the hunters would be laying traps, then hurried back. I arrived just as Lacie got up.

  She yawned, stretched, then seemed to realize where she was. She rushed into the crafting room. "Don't come in," she called over her shoulder.

  I sat on the bed and waited. When she came out, I realized that she was decked out in some actually spectacular gear. Also, spectacular looking. I was still angry, so I only stared a little.

  Her ivy was, again, blackened with make-up, as were the key lines of her wood-grain, the rest being whitened.

  Below her perfect face, Anora's Choker of Aid was a black leather band with a large gold ring. Her top was, again, the Shadow-Twined Mesh Top, with both of the Midnight-Ballroom piercings and chain beneath it. Apparently, she was just wearing it like that now. It seemed aggressively sexual, even though it was hidden by my letter jacket.

  Also mostly-hidden was the Girdle of Excellent Back Support which I hadn't seen her wear before. I'd forgotten she hadn't returned it, and wow was I glad she hadn't. It gave me as much of a snatched waist as my body allowed. It made her look like she had filters running, because nobody looked like that naturally.

  Below the jacket, her plaid skirt was now belled out by the Dense Petticoat in Seven Shades of Black that she somehow remade from some of the loot I gave her. It apparently helped her casting while also making her look like a cross between anime-schoolgirl and gothic-lolita styling. The back half of that was covered by the butt-cape, or Faulds of Shimmering Midnight as it was officially named.

  Her boots, which had been some random thing she found on an earlier floor, had become thigh-highs with lace-up sides, the laces a rich green color.

  The show-piece, changed even further from what it had been, my letter jacket was black-and-gold, and the big R had become an L, which I decided must be for Lacie. I was, after all, on Lacie's team.

  "I wanted to show you what the jacket does," she mumbled. "I got carried away and screwed it up, but I think it's still good. The dye didn't work perfectly, but the jacket, well, you can see."

  Shoot. Now I felt bad for being angry at her. I was still angry, but I was watching her struggle to explain why she'd modified my jacket and I just wanted her to perk back up and strut like she usually did.

  That reminded me of something we'd brought up and then forgotten about.

  Maddy: Jack, do you know how the party interface works?

  Jack: Shit, Pomegranate herself. I heard your bubble was a shit-show, but then Imani said you were okay. And yeah, a bit.

  Maddy: If I'm party leader, how do I change the name?

  He explained.

  Lacie stopped. "Are you even listening."

  Crap. "One sec, just one sec."

  I struggled to get through the menus as her face fell, which wasn't at all what I wanted. There it was!

  Madison Pomegranate has named your party Going Steady.

  Lacie's face softened.

  "I, uh, I thought since giving your girl a jacket is kinda old-fashioned, maybe this—"

  She jumped forward and kissed me. After a long second, she pulled back. "It's really okay if you're still mad. I know I fucked up."

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  "The best thing to deal with me being mad is getting a workout, and with the skills this dungeon has given me, nothing feels like a proper workout anymore that doesn't involve violence."

  "Alright. But there's a lot to do, still. Firstly, I'm gonna explain my gear, and then there are more surprises. I really did spend the last day on the previous floor planning a lot of things out."

  Taking the jacket off, she handed it to me. The name had changed, as had the abilities.

  Loaned Soul-Bond Jacket

  This item has been Upgraded once.

  Grants +5 to all stats.

  Gain 2% in all stats (Multi-Sport Athlete patch)

  +5 to the Thrown Weapons skill (No-Hitter Ace patch)

  Gain the momentum benefit at 10% effectiveness (Goon patch)

  +5 to the Light On Your Feet skill (Traceuse patch)

  +5 to the Soft Fall skill (Ten-Dan Judoka patch)

  You may request that the person who gifted you this jacket be teleported to your location, if they choose to accept, once every 7 days

  The person who gifted you this jacket can always detect your location and status.

  If you leave the group of the original owner, or if you return it to the original owner, or if the original owner dies, the effects of this item will change.

  "You did that?" I said.

  "The recipe for that dye was pretty expensive, and I—"

  "This is awesome. How do I check your status and stuff?"

  She had to help me reconfigure my interface, but I got it set up so her health bar, mana bar, buffs, and debuffs were listed right beside mine, and I had a pointer on my mini-map that would always be directed her way. We also tested zone changes; when she left the personal space, the arrow pointed at the exit and the display by the minimap changed to say Lacie is in Cannerden Town in The Hunting Grounds.

  She came back and continued her presentation. "Now, the rest of what I've been working on. Firstly, I spent, uh, basically all of our money. For example, I needed a potion—not too expensive due to limits on it—so I could wear the piercings." She paused, like I was going to be bothered. "Anyways, I bought an autoloom, and I upgraded the dyer's table to support a solvent retort with a fractional column."

  "I obviously don't know what those are."

  "I believe you," she said. "They let me dissolve things, even magic items, to add power to mixtures."

  "Oh wow."

  "High risk operations, because when something doesn't work, the item's still gone. So, that said, I cleaned out a lot of our supply. I've been using the infinite supply of blacks from my case to tint everything, but that's mostly decorative. More to the point, remember all those shards I spent hours digging out of the city boss's wreckage?"

  "Yeah."

  "Those were shards of shattered soul-crystals. Those, along with several very powerful weapons—like that big sword—made a very powerful dye. I then used all of the thread you had from that loom-boss thing a few levels back as a base. Some early failures mean I had less thread than I wanted, so sorry for that."

  "Look, Lacie, I'm not worried about it."

  "I'm just saying, I couldn't make as much as I wanted. Also, the AI tilts how powerful these things are, and I wanted you safe, so I tried to tilt things a bit. Well, a lot. So, I know it's not going to be exactly what you want, but I had to make it punchy to make it powerful."

  "How about you show me?"

  She licked her lips. "Can you wait outside. Just, like, one minute."

  I did as she said, grinning as the location tag for where she was changed. I'd never lose track of her again.

  Lacie: Alright. Come back in.

  I entered. She was standing alongside the bed, and gestured at it with a sweep of her arm. "Tada!"

  An outfit was laid out on the bed. The top was a longsleeved crop-top with the little thumb-holes on the sleeves. Below that were legging in a black-blue-green tartan. Then there were a pair of black ballet shoes.

  I grinned. "I'mma go change!"

  I scooped it all up and ran to the bathroom and got dressed. At long last, I had pants again, and a proper shirt! Well, as I straightened it out I realized it had been face down, and there was a huge logo on the front.

  I went back out. "What's this?"

  Lacie sighed. "I tested a bit with embroidery, and when I made the logo... a bit more aggressive, it got better stats. I don't know why the AI likes needling you, but I just wanted to make it the best it could be."

  She was almost crying.

  Trying to convince her that it really wasn't going to bother me, I said, "It's great Lacie. Really."

  Her lips began twitching like she was about to sob.

  I really was bad at acting. "I'm sorry. We both know I wish it said something fun instead of Jailbait, but I'm glad I have the shirt, and I'm glad it's one you made for me. It's genuinely the nicest thing I've gotten in the dungeon. Well, except for the pants, but you made those too."

  I went back into the bathroom and finished changing. It fit perfectly, somehow giving me excellent support and being incredibly comfortable at the same time. It was a very high crop, enough that I was having a bit of a panic attack at seeing so much of my stomach on display. I guess that if Lacie made it she probably thought it looked good, but everyone else was seeing it too.

  For a long moment, I just stared at it. The word Jailbait was written in a fancy, pointy font, like some heavy-metal band logo. It was raised a bit, embroidered in dark blue thread. It wasn't my favorite thing ever, but at least it was a shirt.

  At least the leggings covered my legs, and fit perfectly while doing so. When I put on the ballet shoes, they began exuding a dark mist about my feet which looked incredibly cool.

  I headed back out and posed like I was in some sportswear ad, trying to look confident.

  "They're alright?" she asked, nervously looking down.

  I had been so certain she'd respond with a sex joke, I almost blushed by instinct. Instead, I just tried to make her feel better. "They're perfect."

  "I'm sorry about the—"

  "Lacie." I walked over grabbing her shoulders. She looked up at me. "The only thing about how I look that I care about is whether you think I look good."

  She bit her lip, eyes darting up and down me. "You always looked like a gym baddie, but now, fuck, I'm gonna have trouble concentrating during fights."

  Now I blushed.

  "And the benefits?" she asked.

  I hadn't checked, so I looked at them now.

  Darkstar Ballet Flats

  Nothing says deeply, darkly moody like shoes that leak literal darkness.

  This item has been Upgraded once.

  Grants +2 to the Light on Your Feet skill.

  Grants +3 to your dance skill.

  Grants +3 to your Moving While Hidden skill.

  Your footsteps trail dark mist that muddies and conceals your path. The crawler-detections skill and spells work as though they were 5 levels lower against you and must be at least level 6 to work at all.

  I skated a bit, trailing mist. "So the re-dyed twinkle-toe flats are assassin-coded, now."

  "Yeah, the AI likes making you an assassin. I think that means it's easier for me to get good results if I lean into that."

  Black Watch Leggings of the Spider Queen

  The warriors of the Black Watch are from your own world, and the fact that you don't know of them is frankly embarrasing. A highly skilled regiment of the United Kingdom, they were built from the loyalists during the Jacobite rebellion. That's right, this tartan is the sign of the group that was too scared to fight the brits. What a bunch of pussies.

  This item has been Upgraded once.

  +5 to the Regeneration skill.

  +3 to the Web-Walking skill.

  Grants the Artillery Target benefit.

  "There's a regeneration skill?"

  "Yeah, it's pretty fucking good, although 5 isn't very high and you won't be able to level it since you just got it from an item."

  "Well... still cool."

  Jailbait Blouse.

  This item has been Upgraded once.

  +5 Strength

  +5 Dexterity

  +5 Constitution

  Grants the Jailbait Barrier benefit.

  Jailbait Barrier. When a creature dies near you, this object stores some power. More power is stored if you kill the creature. Power will be automatically consumed as a spell-reflect effect when hostile spells hit you.

  "When I thought I might be able to make that happen, I grabbed every item we had that can charge up power and mixed them into the embroidery thread. You can dodge attacks forever, but spells can screw you up, so..."

  I walked over and gave her a hug. "Thanks, Lacie."

  Her lips brushed my ear as she whispered, "Also, it's super hot."

  I blushed.

  "Now, look through the others properly."

  Artillery Target. Did you know the Black Watch served in WWI? If you didn't, you're really dense. Every part of the army served in WWI, and I already told you they were formed centuries earlier. Anyways, as with most of the infantry in that war, their primary job was to be hit by artillery shells, so all that investment in enemy firepower didn't go to waste. You are immune to the Shell Shocked condition.

  "Is that what happens when you get a ringing in your ears?"

  "That's my best guess. I'm hoping it's a bit broader than that, but we'll see."

  I laughed. "Hopefully, I'll be so quick we never have to see."

  She smiled at me.

  I smiled as well, stretching, luxuriating in the feel of new clothes after so long wearing weird dungeon bullshit.

  "Uh, one more thing before you apply your decals. And I'm sorry, I didn't do this, it just changed after you put that on." Lacie tapped my name on the letter-jacket.

  Where 'Madison' used to be embroidered, it now had, 'Madison "Jailbait" Pomegranate'. The AI had re-written it.

  Trying not to look angry, I applied the decal for Jailbait Dancewear at the top of my left shoulder, then added Bill's Big Balls just below it.