MAGNUM OPUS
Ronald and Mike stood in line at the local liquor store, surrounded by cheap booze and cheaper energy drinks. The air reeked of old carpet and crushed dreams.
"Holy shit, check out the chick at the register," Mike said, nudging his friend.
"Sure, go for it, Mike," Ronald replied, sipping on a slushie with zero hope for the day.
"Yeah, lemme get a box of Magnums," said a tall man at the front of the line. The clerk giggled as she handed them over.
"Fuckin' asshole," Mike muttered.
"Huh?" Ronald said.
"Never mind. I'm up. Wish me luck."
Mike strutted up like he was walking into a cologne commercial.
"Hey, you're fuckin' hot! My mom's outta town all week, and me and a couple of friends were gonna party. You down?"
The girl looked him up and down. Hard no.
"Ah, fuck you, bitch!" Mike snapped. "The only reason you turned me down is because that big-dicked motherfucker got you all excited. Stupid bitch!"
Security dragged Mike out, still foaming at the mouth.
He went to another store and lurked in the aisles, waiting.
"Box of Magnums, please," said another man.
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"Whoa, whoa, hold the fuck up!" Mike yelled, charging forward. "You know goddamn well your dick isn’t that big. I’ll bet you a hundred fucking dollars, you cunt-tease motherfucker!"
The two men met out back.
"Well, whip it out, motherfucker!" Mike demanded.
The man reached down and pulled out the nastiest, longest-looking penis either of them had ever seen.
"Wow. That is the ugliest dick I’ve ever seen. And I’ve seen a lot of dicks," Mike said, honestly. Ronald tried not to laugh. Mike, defeated, threw the man the money and went home.
Hours later, Ronald had an epiphany.
"Bro… I recognize that guy. He’s in the records book. Biggest dick. Dude hustled you."
Mike stood up, eyes wild. "That sneaky motherfucker. That’s okay. I got somethin' for his ass. Get your whore sister!"
"Hey!" Jennifer shouted.
"Shit, my bad, Jen. I don’t have time to talk—just grab a fucking tape measure!"
The three jumped into Mike’s car and tore down the road like they were going to war.
They found the man outside a vape shop, relaxed as ever.
"Okay, asshole," Mike yelled. "It just dawned on me that we never took measurements. Thought you were slick, huh?"
The man just chuckled. "Well, if you insist..."
He reached into his pants with the calm of a man who’s ruined lives before.
"Okay Jenn, let’s see that tape measure."
Out came 21-year-old Jennifer, barely clothed, bouncing along with the tape in hand.
Suddenly—THUD.
"Ha!" Mike shouted triumphantly.
"Whoa…" Jennifer said, eyes wide, dropping the tape.
"Just help me get my money, fuckers!" Mike barked.
As they sped off, Ronald couldn’t help himself.
"Mike, ya think this might be an issue with you being an asshole and your face looking like a dumpster fire?"
Mike slammed the brakes.
"Man, that guy really did have a big dick. And I’ve seen a lot of dicks," Jennifer added casually.
"That’s it. Both of you—get the fuck out of my goddamn car. Now!" Mike screamed.
"See, man, thi—"
"NO! I hope you both get raped and killed by coyotes, assholes!"
He sped off into the twilight alone, like some twisted knight banished from Camelot.
An hour later, low on gas and dignity, Mike pulled into a desolate station. Flickering lights. Crickets. Misery.
Then—there she was.
The most beautiful girl he’d ever seen stood behind the register, lit like an angel in a slasher movie.
Mike took a breath. This was his shot. Redemption.
He walked up with his best smirk.
"Pack of Magnums, please."
She looked at him—5'5", unshaven, desperate—and burst into laughter, nearly collapsing behind the counter.
Poor Mike.
