Shit uu

  You know the scent, but unKnown Source of memes of old.

  ---

  Dr. Renn

  --

  Hogwarts

  Swine

  Strong wine inducted flesh growths.

  --

  “A Brief History of the Highly Organized Group of Wizards, Arts, Research, Technology, and Science (H.O.G.W.A.R.T.S.)”

  A Brief History of the Highly Organized Group of Wizards, Arts, Research, Technology, and Science (H.O.G.W.A.R.T.S.)

  (with extensive footnotes and far too many nested acronyms)

  The founding of H.O.G.W.A.R.T.S. was, like many great disasters, entirely intentional.

  The name was chosen first — backwards, sideways, and via interpretive smoke signals — and the mission statement assembled afterward to fit the letters. Some say this was to impress the accreditation board. Others say it was because the original founding document was actually just a very large pub napkin, scrawled during a night of excessive magical experimentation and competitive acronyming.

  Over the years, the meaning of H.O.G.W.A.R.T.S. has evolved through a series of rebranding campaigns, court orders, and magical accidents. Depending on which wing of the university you ask, the name breaks down differently:

  The Official Version:

  Highly Organized Group of Wizards, Arts, Research, Technology, and Science

  But internally, various departments have spun their own interpretations:

  The Department of Magical Strategy prefers:

  OG-WAR: Original Guild — Wielders of Arcane Recalibrations

  (often cited during faculty turf disputes)

  The Department of Creative Thaumaturgy insists:

  Arts must be in the center because “without art, the spell has no soul.”

  (And also because they needed justification for 47 types of magical interpretive dance.)

  The Department of Bio-Transmutative Gastronomy claims:

  RAW: Researching Anatomical Weirdness

  (They were responsible for the Flesh Bloom Incident and also Tuesday’s spaghetti.)

  The Technomancy Faculty has co-opted:

  R.T.S.: Recursive Thaumaturgic Systems

  (They’re not sure what it means, but it sounds like a funding magnet.)

  This story has been stolen from Royal Road. If you read it on Amazon, please report it

  Meanwhile, the Guild Archivists often refer to:

  G. O. : Grand Order

  (Possibly a cult. Possibly just very, very enthusiastic librarians.)

  Then, of course, there's the rogue abbreviation group known only as “A. R”, which meets in the boiler room and maintains that everything can be solved with a well-timed vowel shift.

  No matter how you slice it, every piece of H.O.G.W.A.R.T.S. has taken on its own strange life — much like the university’s West Wing, which literally grew a mouth last semester and now eats overdue library books.

  The True Origins of H.O.G.W.A.R.T.S.

  (as recorded in the banned volume “Porcine Alchemy and Other Regrettable Inventions”)

  Long before H.O.G.W.A.R.T.S. became the prestigious (and largely flammable) magical institution it is today, it was simply known as The Swine College — named not for its students, but for its founders, who believed pigs to be nature’s most magical animal: intelligent, adaptable, and gloriously indifferent to academic standards.

  Legend speaks of the First Wine, brewed not from grapes, but from magically fermented spores and pig sweat (don’t ask). It was strong enough to pickle a basilisk mid-snarl and was known to cause “involuntary bodily ambitions” — a polite term for the sort of uncontrolled flesh growths that made chairs weep.

  The effect was first discovered when Professor Bellythump, a transmutational sommelier and amateur vintner, drank a full goblet during a toast to “progress and pudding.” Within minutes, his pancreas had become sentient and attempted to apply for a teaching position.

  Thus was born the arcane art of Fleshomancy: the study of magically-enhanced, wine-induced meat growth. Applications ranged from accelerated healing to full-body reorganizations, to one tragic attempt to “grow a second wizard” which ended in a very confused broom closet.

  The swine, meanwhile, were revered as sacred creatures. Students would consult the Oracle Pig, who lived in a golden sty and oinked out prophecies during feeding time. (Accuracy rating: 72%, better than most divination professors.)

  It was only after a particularly explosive Harvest Wine Festival — where the vineyard itself sprouted legs and declared independence — that the school was forced to rebrand for insurance purposes.

  Thus the name:

  Highly Organized Group of Wizards, Arts, Research, Technology, and Science (H.O.G.W.A.R.T.S.),

  a backronym so complex and bureaucratic that no one dared question it again.

  The Secret Science Behind “Wizard Wine”

  (as excerpted from “Bubbling Madness: A Practical Guide to Hallucinogenic Alchemy” by Griselda Phlegmwort, PhD)*

  Contrary to public belief, wizard wine is not merely "wine, but magic."

  It is, in fact, a biochemical arms race in a bottle.

  Here’s what really goes into the stuff:

  ---

  1. Grain Alcohol

  Distilled with the sort of reckless abandon only achieved by bored hedge-witches with access to industrial heating runes. It’s the base solvent — and the reason your tongue tries to leave your mouth after the first sip.

  2. Grains (Ancient, Cursed, or Possibly Sentient)

  Rye and barley varieties bred over generations for maximum spell conductivity and mild paranoia induction. Some strains scream when harvested. That’s a feature.

  3. The Grand Witch’s Fungus

  A rare mycelium that grows only on the underside of certain broom handles left unwashed in summer. Contains LSA, a cousin of LSD, and several unnamed alkaloids due to legal pressure from the Magical Safety Council. One of them glows when insulted, which is impressive but unhelpful.

  4. Carcinogenic & Mutagenic Compounds

  Unavoidable side effect of the fermentation process. Referred to by wizards as “flavour crystals.” They stimulate cell growth, spell misfires, and in one case, turned a man's kneecap into a mouth that screamed philosophy.

  5. Strong Vasoconstrictors

  To prevent one’s face from completely melting during the transformation process. Also responsible for the distinctive H.O.G.W.A.R.T.S. “wine rash”

  Side Effects Include (But Are Not Limited To):

  Spontaneous wart generation (occasionally in braille).

  Limb growth and detachment, often unrelated to the original host.

  Hallucinations of the Department of Internal Bureaucracy, which may or may not be real.

  Temporary clairvoyance, often followed by permanent confusion.

  A 1 in 23 chance of growing a bigger head . (cone one, now you know why they need hats)

  Why Do They Keep Making It?

  Simple: because it works.

  Those who survive the transformation are bursting with magic, creative insight, and bonus elbows.