Lutti and I eventually arrive in a small, obviously almost forgotten sector of the main castle building. I’m still too dazed to care about our actual location, whenever I try to concentrate, the only thing my mind returns to is the pain. The person who pretended to be Yaluda’s shocked face, pained face, inability to give any explanation. So I try not to think at all. Instead, I collapse onto an empty bed as soon as we arrive while everyone else speaks around me in hushed whispers.

  “Is he okay? Did something happen to Yaluda?” Briareth’s voice asks.

  “Well…” Lutti’s voice hesitates. “You could say that.” She goes on to explain what happened. I roll over, covering my head with a pillow, trying to block them out.

  “YALUDA WAS A GIRL ALL ALONG!!” Beni shouts, effectively bypassing my efforts.

  “No you idiot. Yaluda was Istere in disguise all along.” Lutti says. My mind automatically tries to find where I know that name from, it was someone important to Yaluda. His sister? Yes, his dead younger sister. Although obviously not dead now.

  “I wonder how long she’s been living as her brother? Did he ever even survive the assassination attempt?” Lutti asks my next question, but nobody can answer her.

  “No wonder Balderk looks distraught.” Faladel murmurs, so softly I almost can’t hear him.

  “Well, at least this explains the false beard!” Briareth claims, obviously trying to cheer everyone up.

  “Wait, you knew he was wearing a false beard all along and you never once commented on that?” Faladel asks, incredulously.

  “I assumed he– well, she –was just afflicted with early onset hair loss from inbreeding or something! I thought it would be rude to pry about a topic she was clearly uncomfortable with.” Briareth defends. I can imagine all eyes in the room staring at him. “What?” He asks. “I still don’t think I was wrong to avoid bringing it up.”

  “Question,” Faladel says, “It doesn’t really matter to me if Yaluda was this Istere person all along. But did you ever tell them that we moved? Or that they had the chance of being raided tonight?”

  “Not exactly, Balderk ran out of there too fast. I couldn’t have him running around on his own, so I followed him without giving Istere and Blix the news. We can’t risk heading out to warn them right now, besides that passage was only ever going to be used in emergency situations. I don’t know about Istere, but Blix at least should definitely realize something’s wrong. Hopefully, he’ll be able to get her out of there.”

  “If Istere has been pretending to be Yaluda since the assassination attempt,” Beni adds, “It would explain a lot of changes.”

  “A lot.” Lutti agrees

  “How long have you known them? Yaluda, Istere, and Blix?” Faladel asks, and Beni and Lutti take turns answering him. They continue chatting late into the night, and, eventually, my ears learn to tune them out and I finally fall into a deep dreamless sleep.

  When I wake up, my stomach rumbles, telling me it’s probably nearly noon. I slowly sit up, feeling completely at ease for all of five seconds, until memories of last night hit me full force. The warning of the raid, running through the tunnels, Yaluda– not Yaluda. I slump back in bed, suddenly wondering if my hunger is that important after all. All I want to do is stay here, safe from all thoughts, and fall back asleep. Maybe if I do that, it will turn out that yesterday never happened, and everything will go back to the way it was before. When we were close friends and confidants.

  But did that ever even exist? I wonder, as I roll over and shut my eyes. Did Not-Yaluda ever really trust me? I banish those thoughts. He, she, whatever not-Yaluda wants to be known as, had to trust me at least a little bit. Those stories we shared, the emotions, the hopes, the dreams for the future. Something in there had to be real. There’s no way Not-Yaluda could have faked all that. Some of it? Definitely. Most of it? Maybe. But not all of it. There was no way none of that was real.

  If it was all faked, I don’t know what I’ll do.

  I try to fall asleep for a while longer, but I can’t, and Briareth bursting in through the small door to the bedroom shouting “Balderk! Breakfast muffins! If you don’t come now, I’m going to scarf them all!” doesn’t help.

  I glare at him from under my covers. “You can have them, just leave me in peace.”

  “Told you that wouldn’t work.” Faladel’s wiry voice calls out from another room. He peers through the doorway around Briareth. “It’s okay, Istere’s not here. Not sure if you heard, but apparently that’s Yaluda’s real name.”

  Yes, that was Not-Yaluda’s name. I blink at him. Somehow, amidst all the fog in my mind, I’d forgotten that.

  “Well, okay then.” I mumble, crawling out of bed.

  “I wasn’t really going to eat all your muffins you know.” Briareth tries to cheer me up as I head into this other room. It’s smaller than Yalud– Istere’s study was, but it feels similar. Bookcases, a desk, and a nice table set up for us. The floor here is tile instead of wood, and the ceiling here is a lot higher and also tile, but other than that and a bit of the layout, the basic setup is the same.

  “What is this place?” I ask, glancing at Faladel.

  “I don’t know exactly.” Faladel answers me, “Neither did Beni or Lutti, and they seemed rather dejected by that fact. It’s somewhere deep in the castle, an abandoned little place by all accounts. They’ve been fixing it up and keeping eyes away from it, but that means they can’t really press for information on it without alerting others to its continued existence.”

  “Faladel said it feels familiar.” Briareth says, his voice muffled behind a mouthful of muffin crumbs.

  Faladel flushes a little. “I don’t know, it’s something about the size, the layout, I have no clue why, but–”

  “It feels like Ya– Istere. It feels like Istere’s study.” I say. I caught myself earlier this time. For some reason that doesn’t make me happy. Faladel glances at me, I can practically feel pity emanating from him like waves, and I don’t like it. I’m too tired to confront him though, instead I ask “Who brought the muffins?”

  Stolen from Royal Road, this story should be reported if encountered on Amazon.

  “Beni. He told me everyone is fine, they’ve alerted Lutti and Agnark that we’ve had to move.” Briareth says. “Everyone’s meeting here for a strategy session in about an hour.”

  I stare at my muffin, wondering if I can avoid that reasonably. I don’t think I want to confront Istere quite yet.

  “You don’t have to participate,” Faladel says, as if reading my mind. “But it might be good for you if you do.”

  “Yeah, and we’ll be here to support you.” Briareth chimes in. “You may have gotten close to the-person-you-thought-was-Yaluda while you were here, but you were our friend first, and we’ll always have your back. Besides, I’m sure you’re dying to ask this Istere person some questions.” His face suddenly darkens. “I know I would be.” Faladel and I stare at him, rather shocked by his ominous expression, but it quickly clears up to his normal smiling demeanor and he asks “What?”

  “Nothing,” I avoid, not wholly convinced. I eat my muffin in silence while Faladel and Briareth try to make small talk. Blackberry, blueberry, or raspberry muffins? How do they think the raid went last night? Did we get everything out of there? What will our plan be from here on out?

  It’s during the last question, while I’m slowly pushing around muffin crumbs on my plate, that Blix, Lutti, Beni, and… Istere enter the room. Istere is back to wearing the false beard and long loose robes. The chest bumps, almost certainly breasts, have conveniently disappeared again. I focus grimly on my plate of crumbs, but my eyes keep sliding back to Yaluda’s face. Istere’s face.

  I’m still not used to looking at Yaluda and seeing Istere yet. Those golden eyes meet mine, but I immediately turn my attention back to my plate.

  “Are Ludgera and Agnark going to join us?” Briareth asks, getting up to greet the four newcomers.

  “Hopefully soon.” Blix replies. “We sent Ludgera a messenger, but who knows?”

  “Hey Balderk.” Yal– Istere! Istere! Says to me softly.

  There are so many things I want to say to Istere but none of them come to mind. I don’t have anything to say, but I don’t want to not say anything. “Hi.” I reply lamely, not even looking at Istere for a response. I can hear the silence at our interaction, the tension in the room.

  “Anyone want some tea?” Faladel offers, sounding very stressed. He’s probably desperate to defuse it. “I can make us all a pot.”

  “I’d love some tea.” Briareth agrees.

  “Me too.” Lutti says, sounding grateful. Faladel leaves the corner of my vision with the teapot. Five minutes have passed when he arrives back, but really, nothing has happened. He pours the tea, people compliment him on it, but again, all the words fade to nothingness in my mind. Nothing important passes anyone's lips, even though by now Briareth looks like he’s ready to burst with questions. It feels like everyone’s agreed to wait till the last two members of our team get here before anything happens.

  At some point, Beni wanders off to a side door that I hadn’t noticed before and procures cookies. They’re rather stale, and quite bland, but everyone nibbles at them, waiting for someone to break first.

  Nobody does. Eventually, after what feels like hours of awkward small talk, Ludgera and Agnark arrive. Ludgera looks frazzled.

  “What in the world happened? Why did you move?” She immediately questions us.

  “Why are you now so hard to find?” Agnark asks, looking annoyed. “Seriously, we got lost like three times with your lousy instructi—” He cuts himself off as he spots Lutti and Beni “Who are those two?” His voice is obviously on guard, but also very derogatory at the same time. A strange mix of tones. I glance at him and Ludgera, actively beginning to take notice.

  “Loyal friends. They can be trusted. As, I hope, can you.” Istere says, and then reaches up and takes off the false beard.

  “What the–” Ludgera begins

  “You’re a girl?!” Her boyfriend interrupts

  “How?” She asks.

  “Why?!” He exclaims.

  “Isn't it obvious?” Ludgera turns to him, “She had to keep her identity secret. Was your brother the one who died in the assassination attempt? You knew someone would come for you, you were vulnerable as a female and next in line to the throne, so you just made it look like you died instead.”

  “You’re the first one to figure it out that quickly.” Istere says simply, basically confirming everything. “Come and sit down. Now that we’re all here, we have a lot to talk about.

  “So, um how should we refer to you?” Briareth asks as Ludgera and Agnark join us at the now overcrowded table. “Yaluda? Or Istere? What about pronouns? This has been really bugging me. Should I think about you with he pronouns, or she pronouns, or something else entirely?”

  “Well, it’s not like you, Balderk, and Prince Faladel wander around outside a lot.” Istere shrugs. “So I really don’t care about pronouns or titles. But for the rest of you,” She glances at Lutti, Beni, Ludgera, and Agnark individually. “You can use whatever you want in your head, but whenever you talk about me aloud, use male pronouns and call me His Highness or Yaluda at all times. You never know who might be listening, and I can’t have anyone finding out that I’m still alive instead of my brother.”

  “If I may,” Blix cuts in. “Istere will always be Istere to me in places I know are safe from prying eyes. She can’t replace Yaluda, and she’s not trying to. But even in my head, when I’m all alone in the middle of the night, it’s The Crown Prince or His Highness. After all, that is what you’ll be calling her in public, it’s best to practice it in private as well, lest you let something slip. But you shouldn’t be calling her by her first name out and about in court anyway. That’s the way I’ve been thinking about it.”

  Istere, but still him. Still The Crown Prince. I mull over it, staring at my plate. Somehow, it fits all of this madness perfectly. I glance up at her, meeting her golden eyes for less than a second. She was ready for me, waiting for me. I look away again. It’s obvious she wants to talk to me, and our disastrous not-conversation from last night rings in my head. Is she going to try and give me a private explanation? Do I want a private explanation?

  Yes. I think to myself I want, I need to hear the reason why she didn’t tell me. Did she just not trust me? What in our conversations was real, and what was fake? I’m suddenly struck by an even more frightening thought. Will I be able to trust her now that she’s lied to me once? She hid everything so well…

  I shake that thought off, trying to dismiss it offhand. She wouldn’t, right? There’s no way. But it sticks around, and sours my mood.

  “Balderk.” Faladel breaks into my thoughts. “More tea?” I blink realizing that I’ve been lost in my thoughts for quite some time now. Agnark and Ludgera are gone, and I don’t even know when they left.

  “Sorry, what?” I ask Faladel.

  “Tea?” He asks again, holding up a pot of what smells like mint flavored water. I acquiesce, just to have something to mess around with really. When he leans over, I whisper “Where did the Yamat kid and Ludgera go?”

  “They had to leave, something about a family meeting for Agnark, and Ludgera never stays long.” He replies quietly, shooting a worried look my direction that does not go unnoticed. “Is this too much for you? You can excuse yourself if you want. Claim you’re tired or something. Yesterday was hectic for all of us, so I don’t think anyone would find it weird.”

  “Four out of the six people in this room already know or suspect exactly why I’d be doing such a thing.” I reply. “And the other two are curious and observant. So, even if it wouldn’t be ‘strange’ it would still be ‘telling’.”

  “You don’t have to always be strong, Balderk.” Faladel says softly, as he moves away.

  But I do. I think as I watch his retreating back. If I’m not the strong one, who am I?