Chapter 20

  Swabbie

  I raise a hand toward the angry-looking pirate and answer her with the same number of syllables she gave me.

  "Hey."

  She pauses and blinks, no doubt confused that she can understand me, but then storms for me, anyway. "You tied me up and left me in my underclothes! Strapped to a rock!"

  "I left you an apology gift," I answer, hands raised in placation.

  She flushes red at that, then charges. She makes a big haymaker for my head, which I calmly duck. She swings again and I pull back as it goes past my nose. She tries a jab and I lean to the side and grab my mug. She jabs to my new position and I lean the other way, taking a drink of the contents.

  Phooey, that's strong stuff! I was right, though, it tastes like a very sweet orangeade over a strong, tequila-like alcohol. Probably rice. Sake always reminds me of tequila for some reason.

  She lunges at me and I duck down underneath it, then stand up sharply. She yelps as she finds herself flung over my shoulder like a bag of grain with the motion.

  I turn to the Captain with a big grin. "Cap'n, I think I caught an intruder! What are your orders?"

  This got a rolling laugh out of the rest of the mess, interspersed with hoots, hollers and their own suggestions, but the Captain just sat there with a wry smirk on her lips.

  "Sit her down and make her eat," the woman declares in a tone that would make it sound like a gallows sentence if her smirk wasn't still visible. "But she only gets dessert, as punishment for failing to read the room."

  "Aye aye, Cap'n!"

  I step from my seat and plop her down where I had been, right in front of the bread pudding. She's got a confused look on her face like she's still trying to catch up on what's going on.

  "In your seat?!" Ayre looks equally confused to suddenly find himself sitting next to a pirate. "But what about your pudding?"

  "I can get more," I insist. "First rule of cooking, the cook doesn't eat until everyone's been served!"

  That makes Ayre frown, thinking back on the times I've used the First Rule phrase before. "But you said the first rule of cooking was to always taste test. And to always make sure you're not grabbing the wrong ingredient. And to measure twice, pour once. Just how many first rules are there?"

  "Nevermind that," I insist. "Besides, look at it this way. Without her, I never could have gotten to you!"

  While Ayre is stuck pondering that over, I step back and raise my voice, switching back to pirate speak to rephrase my last sentence. "Without her, none of this would have been possible!"

  The swabbie burns red again at the cheers and mugs raised in her name, however mockingly, but the Captain just gives a slow golf clap. "Well, if that endorsement isn't justification to sit at the Captain's Table, I can't imagine what is."

  I reach down and scoop out a spoonful of the pudding. "Come on, take a bite!"

  She puffs up again at the treatment. "What makes you think I want your stupid pu--"

  I slip the spoon in between syllables and get it on her tongue before she can react. She chews it over slowly and finally swallows.

  "G-good ..."

  I dangle the spoon in front of her. "Still don't want it?"

  "Give me that!" I let her snatch the spoon from my hand as she digs into it and shoves a larger bite into her mouth.

  "Thoughts, swabbie?" the Captain asks.

  The young woman cups her cheek with her free hand. "It'sh sho shweet, but the shauce ish sho tangy, it'sh like a dansh in my mouth ..."

  "You heard her, lovelies," the Captain replied, banging her mug on her table. "Stop your gawking and get to eating what you're missing out on!"

  The room quickly fills again with the din of a dozen conversations, probably mostly about the food, and the sound of cutlery clicking against bowls.

  "Well, I better be getting my own before it cools off too much," I say as I snatch my own mug from the table.

  That causes the swabbie to squawk, but I shake my finger at her. "You heard the Captain! Dessert only! Besides, I already drank out of it, you really want to share a mug that badly?"

  That flusters her again, a cute look, I decide, and I pull out another purified mana crystal and set it beside her.

  Immediately, all of the pirate eyes in the vicinity are trained on it, and I worry I might have just made her a target, so I decide one last declaration is in order.

  "It's hers," I insist to the crowd. "If anyone wants to take it from her, they can come see me!" I pull my pistol and raise it, safety on, toward the ceiling. "I'll heal your greed like I healed your Captain, savvy?!"

  They all get the picture, and the eyes all quickly divert from the bright, golden light of the crystal. Quickly, the din from before returns, and I give the swabbie a grin, wink and thumbs up that she doesn't look nearly appreciative of. But she's red again, so I consider it a win, anyway.

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  I've never partied with pirates before, but I have to admit, it's pretty much what I would have expected. Once the dessert is gone, the drinking starts. Nobody really has anything better to do without adventurers coming in, and the mood is too high after such a meal for anyone to want it to stop.

  Turns out that, even if the pirates don't need to eat, they can still get drunk. And once they start getting drunk, the singing starts. We sing shanties that I've never heard before, and I lead a few rounds with ones I know that they've never heard before.

  Not everyone's singing. The rowdier sorts get up to other activities, like arm wrestling, where it takes two swabbies to beat a swashbuckler. Others make a game of getting Ayre to repeat whatever it is he hears when they speak. This leads to laughs on each side, both in what things the pirates dare to say, and in listening to Ayre make random pirate noises.

  The former gets raunchier and cruder the longer the alcohol continues to flow.

  I also find out that Ayre is a lightweight. It's not more than a couple mugs before he's looking pretty tipsy, and it's probably a large part of why they are able to convince him to play their game so shamelessly in the first place.

  It's cute how he so fervently gives his red-cheeked all to accurately reproduce whatever sounds he hears. It's notable to me that he's not making the stereotypical pirate sounds that I hear. These must be the sounds they're actually making, but since they're not a language when coming from Ayre, Essence doesn't bother to translate them into anything.

  Me, I'm a hugger. I know it ahead of time, of course, even though I've not had any alcohol before now since coming to this world. Nobody else has any warning, though, and in between bouts of shanties, both Ayre and the swabbie fall victim.

  "Cap'n!" I call at one point when I've got the blonde young woman trapped under my arm again. "I wanna recruit Miss Swabbie to my party! Can I keep her?"

  The Captain holds her liquor better than any of us, little surprise with the practice she must have had, and is calmly sipping on hers while watching the merriment of her crew around her. When I all but drag the swabbie over to her with my request, though, she gives a light laugh.

  "Precious little Hero, it's beyond even your power to release even one of us from our bondage of servitude here. We are all slaves to the dungeon core. You would have to bring the matter up with it."

  "Oh, right, the core!" I promptly release the poor swabbie with little thought to the matter as I make my way back toward Ayre. "Ayre, Ayre, we still gotta take care of the core!"

  Poor Ayre, though, is so sauced that he's stopped trying to stand at all, and even from his seated position, more and more of the pirate sounds are slurring together, much to the pirates' amusement. Half of them are already starting to consider switching to another game that sounds suspiciously like Pin the Skirt on the Elf.

  Deciding my bestest bestie is no longer safe, or at least his remaining dignity is in immediate danger, I make my way over, shouldering my way through the throng to his side. I try to pull one arm up over my shoulder, but his uncooperative dead weight nearly pulls me down with him. Or maybe that's my own instability.

  In a moment of drunken genius, I remember Yorin using a spell that cleared the status of Guildmaster Kobi with a single touch when he'd had a cup of Essence Arabica. The old bear had nearly looked like he was ready to come to blows with her from the hyperactivity induced by the caffeine. All she did was tap his forehead, and he was back in his right mind.

  Forgetting more traditional solutions like switching the elf to water or feeding him bread pudding to soak up the alcohol, I immediately dive into my points page and navigate to the spells.

  I'm hoping to see some sort of commentary like I get with my bullets and such, but I'm left disappointed. Apparently, that only happens with the custom stuff sold just to me as the Gunslinger Hero. Since this is an existing spell like most of the others I've picked up, there's just the regular, boring description.

  PURGE

  ----------------------------------

  Advanced Priest Magic

  Clears all status effects from

  target, positive and negative.

  Requires physical contact.

  Casting Cost: 100 MP

  Oh, wow, by far and away my most expensive spell to date! It even comes with a hefty purchase price of five thousand points!

  I've got enough points to cover it, though, which is probably an indication that I'm hoarding them too much, but that's a problem for Future Remmi. Present Remmi reasons that it's worth the cost since we don't have a healer with us, and decides to take the leap against what will probably be Future Remmi's better judgment. But, again, that's her problem, not mine.

  One purchase, a hundred mana and a boop on the nose later, and Ayre's eyes snap back into focus. He blinks for a moment before turning to look at me.

  "... Did you just poke my nose?"

  "Don't worry about that," I assure him with a big grin and a hug. "It's time to go purify the core!"

  He stares at me a little longer. "Remmi, how drunk are you?"

  "Not as drunk as you were!"

  "Do you really think it's a good idea to try to purify the core while under the effect of alcohol?"

  I gasp as my eyes open wide. "Oh, gosh, you're right, Ayre!" I hold up an index finger. "I almost broke the first rule of firearms safety! Never operate under the influence!"

  His gaze goes flat in reply. "I thought the first rule was never point it at something you don't intend to destroy?"

  I ignore him as I release my grip on the elf and slap my forehead. "Purge!"

  ... Oh, wonderful, Future Remmi just arrived and she realizes she just spent a third of her mana in under a minute ... Well, it could have been worse. Without Hedge Witch, it would have been two thirds.

  Well, whatever, two hundred mana is still way more than enough to use Purification Cannon.

  The Captain takes us back to her quarters, and, with a wave of her hand, reveals the portal to the core.

  "Now, it goes without saying," she warns, "but if you try anything fishy, you'll be walking the plank, little Hero."

  "We have no intention of any such thing," I assure her. "Besides, if you even thought we might, you'd never have opened it."

  She crosses her arms. "Don't talk me into changing my mind. Go on, hurry up, I want to see what this is all about."

  "Right!" I switch my rounds for healing bullets, since this core isn't contaminated and I don't want to risk damaging it, and step into the core chamber. I raise my gun and concentrate on my aim. "PURIFICATION CANNON!"

  Even outside the portal, Ayre and the Captain both shield their eyes from the blinding light, but by the time it fades, I've already got the notification that the core has been warded against contamination.

  I don't feel satisfied leaving it at that, though. This dungeon has turned out to be a fun time with new friends made, so I want to leave it something.

  I think for a moment on what that should be, though. It doesn't need more energy, so a purified crystal is out, and it might be rude to give it one from another dungeon, anyway. Or maybe cross-contamination is a thing that's possible.

  Finally, I settle on the perfect gift: A serving of Essence Rabbit Stew and Essence Bread Pudding with Lemon Sauce so it can share in the feast with those under its care ... and my thesaurus.

  "Maybe pick up some more words besides random pirate sounds, my friend," I bid it, not knowing if it can even comprehend data in written form. It all disappears into the core regardless, however, and I smile as I pat the core and wish it clear skies and favorable winds.

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